In insisting on a being married before I'll become a sahm?

[Feminstsahm]

Up to now myself and OH have earned the same amount, worked 50% each, and split kids sick days etc all 50/50. He had a bit of a strop at the weekend 'its not fair he does so much more than other Dad's' . Of course I told him to grow the fuck up as we have kids and he works PT so of course he does half the sah parenting. He has amiditted before that he would much prefer it if I would go PT and cover sick days etc. The kids are little still so this is about 1 week out of every 6 weeks and is stressing us all out with trying to fit in work still, esp our jobs don't really care if we are off we still have to get the work done.

I'm being made redundant in 5 months anyway so it is a good time to take a break, esp as I want to do some more studying to find work near to where we live. We can keep the kids in PT nusery so I could study PT.
Of course I could find work further away and travel but that puts even more of the day to day parenting onto him.

So AIBU to say I'll only cover the childcare in the afternoons, nights wakings, sick days provided we get married and all wages are shared equally so we both have the same disposable income after all household bills are paid, and we would need to pay into a private pension for me as I'm losing my employer pension?

Also evening childcare, housework etc will still need to be shared (although I'd do what I can in the day) so we both have equal freetime.

I'm happy to have a prenup to protect our own premarrige assests and ay income arising from these, he has more of these than me and this has been a worry for him previously.

I know this sounds very unromantic but I only see marrige as a finacial contract and have no interest in the relegious or party side of things.

I can't get over you wanting to marry someone who throws a tantrum because he sees, looks after and does more for his kids than his mates do . Having said that, YANBU to insist on marriage and financial equality before giving up your job. Absolutely NO point saying it unless there is a consequence when, if, he says no.

I also have premartial assests I want to protect, although he has more than I do, mine are more accessible, which I prefer.

I guess so OP, looks like there's more to this but, if you feel the way you do, why have children before being married at all? It/they just make you vulnerable in a way that you are not, without them. SAHM is just another layer of complication

I hope that things go the way you plan and that the outcome is as you want it to be.

"elderly MIL next door (and her house) to look after"

awwwwwwwwwwooooghhhaaaa!

(that's my alarm klaxon going off btw)

Are you going to be MIL's carer as well?

That is a very good point regarding emmigration.

For most of our married life we have not needed to prove that we were married since each of us had our own visa, income, insurance etc. but when we came to the uk we had to prove that our relationship was legitimate. The marriage certificate was enough, it would have been more difficult without it.

Are pre-nups legally binding in this country?

It was a one off statement mid argument, but yes it is a side of him thats new to me and I hope it was just stress talking. Generally he does do half and I had thourght he was fine wiht that for the most part.
He missed a weekend away with mates that he has been on every year for 20yrs, but thats life sometimes, DC2 is still feeding twice a night and DC1 is ill.

Sorry I'm not meaning to drip feed just trying to answer people.

Good to know IANBU though.

There is no way I would become a SAHM without being married. You are DEFINITELY not being U.

I'm confused as to why he needs to work PT to be able to research if he's an academic? As an academic's wife I more than understand that research can expand to fill any amount of time, but it seems odd not to get paid if he's going to be doing FT hours because of his research anyway?

I'm also surprised that he's doing so much more childcare than his friends. I don't know many families that can easily live on a lecturer's salary now, especially with the job insecurity.

Yes prenups are legally binding provided they don't overlly favor one party so a striaght we keep our own stuff should be fine although I will check if/when we write it.

MIL's carer - I don't know - but we dont speak the same language so it would be interesting! In all honesty I think she would move to her daughters as she has already talked about this. but again who knows.

So far OH and me both do house maintenace, gardening etc between us as and when we have time, similar to our own house, which I'm fine with.

YANBU at all. Being a SAHP is an option only for married people IMO, and even then should be approached with caution. I was a SAHM for 5 years and it was by far the best thing for us as a family at the time. Saying that, Dh still doesn't 'get' how vulnerable financially I've made myself and it did take a few quite pointed conversations about resuming shared responsibilities when I went back to work (part-time) before he 'got' it.

He lectures/researches PT (paid) atm but he cant get much funding for research time so is thinking to continue this PT and do research and write articles in his own time to try and further his career. He only recently finshed his doc so maybe I should say he works in academia rather than he is an academic.

I guess lecturers earn relativley more here than in the UK and we have very low living costs (for this country) due to where and how we live so could get by on his PT earnings for a couple of yrs.

Yanbu, marriage will protect you legally if anything were to happen. I'd be furious if my DH came out with a 'I do more than other Dads' line. Boo-fucking-hoo. It's called being a parent, it's not optional. Be careful.

"I know this sounds very unromantic but I only see marrige as a finacial contract and have no interest in the relegious or party side of things."
Bravo ! Exactly as it should be; personally I view 'romance' as a fraud, something used to diddle women out of their fair share of life's rewards. Money and earnings carry a lot of baggage, and becoming a SAHP will be such a big shift in the power balance you are very sensible to look at it from a practical point of view.

Your plan looks well thought out, you've considered all the main points including the long-term; so any demur on his part I would look at very closely. I was a bit concerned with his stroppy "its not fair he does so much more than other Dad's." Why in hell's name would he compare himself to 'other dads'? The correct person to compare himself to is the other parent of his children, surely? There's a sense of entitlement skulking behind those words, and you'll need to make it absolutely clear to him that that sort of attitude will not be tolerated, and at the first sniff of him trying for a 1950's set-up you will be back in FT work ASAP (cleaners and nannies are an option).

'Bravo ! Exactly as it should be; personally I view 'romance' as a fraud, something used to diddle women out of their fair share of life's rewards.'

< high fives WhereYouLeftIt >

OK, now that you have posted more detail then no, I would no way become SAHP in your position.

• You've emigrated to his country. So you are by definition in a more vulnerable position than him. It's likely that were you to split, you would not be allowed to leave with your children (look into this) so you could find yourself having to get out and find work to support yourself in a country and language not your own, without the option to e.g. move local to parents for childcare support while you did so. It's another BIG reason to marry (am surprised really you didn't before emigrating) but it's also a huge reason to keep earning and building up a profile, contacts, security in your adopted country. Would you every want to leave? Is it a permanent move? Were your children born there? (NB: sounds awful I know, but research whether it would give you more protection in the event of divorce to have married in the UK. Probably not, however, if you're resident in X).

• Sounds ever more like he's engineering the lovely little setup where wifey is at home doing the domestics - elderly mum, house in the country... HIS country! Alarm bells ringing all over I'm afraid. No.

• It's a silly plan by the sound of it anyway - financially I mean. So, he has only recently finished PhD, does lecturing PT but has 'missed promotions' - ie no tenure, I take it - he's been applying for permanent positions but not got them? If he is on a temporary contract, it is insane for you to be the one going PT while he not only doesn't have secure work, but is also err, shall we say 'delicate' enough to float the idea of needing half of his time free for (unpaid) research/publication? Sorry, but what would make FAR more sense is for him to continue PT and combine his research time with a mix of childcare with maybe some nursery hours upped as he is in a uniquely flexible position right now. I'm afraid that that's the sort of pressure he's going to have to get used to if he's looking for a full time academic position - FT work and the expectation that the research and publication will happen along with it. Obviously things slightly depend on what country you're in and what his area is, but right now, while he's 'floating', the conversation should be focused on how HIS flexibility should currently be allowing YOU to get yourself in a more solid work position while he combines childcare with applying for jobs/writing postdoc proposals, whatever. I'm actually in a similar position, though my PT work is a mix of research within the public sector (in a way) and academic work... My DH is full time and keeping the finances up while I combine what I do with most of the childcare. Papers happen in the evening after they've all gone to bed. He sounds more and more below par I'm afraid - wants you at home being wifey, while he...err is actually home quite a lot too? Sounds like his priority is him, not the family team and how successful it can be as a whole...

So what happens 'post marriage' when he has another strop and says that he never wanted to be married and he only married you because of the ultimatum you gave him?
Be very careful about how you proceed and take Sylvan's advice re your children.

I would be seriously pissed off with a man who got to work part time, spends more time with his kids than other men (this should be a bonus in life) and still friggin well moans about it.

This post has sooo many alarm bells. YANBU for wanting to marry before becoming a SAHP. There's no way I would ever become SAHP without being married.
BUT, and it's a big BUT, marriage does not protect you 100% and if you split you'll still be left poor and with no career. Why give up work when you're the one with so much earning potential???? Why does he only work PT? And why do you accept being treated this way?
Something I learned from MN- When people tell you what they are like, listen. He doesn't respect women. He doesn't respect parent work. He doesn't respect you and what you do. He thinks men are above house work and childcare. You will become his skivvy. And on top of that you emmigrated to his country and you don't even speak the local language (I concluded that based on you saying you don't speak your MIL's language)? Don't give up work. Seriously, don't. Married or not.
One of you works PT, it really shouldn't be that stressful if you two were equal partners in this relationship.

Yanbu, but I would have got married before having children.

I'm always stunned that people will plan children without being married, it seems very foolish.

Didn't get married, gave up good job in city to be sahm, lost ten years of income, pensions etc on the promise I didn't need to work (which I didn't at the time) he shagged around now I'm entitled to nothing and receiving benefits as can only get a menial p/t job. Had we got married, I wouldn't need to be on benefits as I'd get maintenance (saving tax payer money), I'd also have been able to keep my children's home I invested the lion share of the deposit in. YANBU you're being sensible.

YANBU ~ search back over the last week or so, there's a lengthy thread about unmarried women getting left with nothing when a relationship hits the rocks and the lack of legal protection against such a thing happening. Perhaps make your DH read it too ~ marriage, or a vast raft of copper-bottomed legal agreements. Anything less is very risky.

YANBU but if you are planning to keep pre marriage assets separate and can agree payments equivalent to an appropriate salary and pension solely in your name and post marriage assets held jointly I am not convinced what extra protection marriage gives. It does however make it harder for you to disentangle if the relationship breaks down. My perception is also that married fathers have more rights regarding DC than unmarried which again may not be what you want?

I thought I was really clever, a real feminist. I refused to marry my partner, to be a wife and a chatel.

I gave up my high earning job to be a SAHM (admittidly I did hate my job) ...fast forward 12 years and I now do everything house/child/family related and all without any help, support, or even any interest or acknowledgement from him. It crept up on me slowly, I wanted to let him concentrate on his career and gradually he did less and less and here we are..

Im trapped, treated like Im stupid, I 'work' 7-9 every day, while he is so exhausted by his 'real' work. He sees his part of the deal as being the man - providing a beautiful house, new house, foreign holidays etc. Im so resentful and hate what Ive become, but as we're not married after 25 years and 2 kids I/we are entitled to nothing from him at all.

Sorry what a moan! Anyway my message is that being a SAHM isnt for everyone and shouldnt be undertaken without both of you agreeing the long term aims and goals. And unfortunately I should have married the git and then I could have divorced him, got a share of the house and finances that I/we deserve and moved on with my life.

Sunnyshores, get proposing. Then divorce him if you still don't like him.