To think that women in domestic violence situations deserve more understanding and compassion

[ReallyTired]

A nasty goady thread was quite rightly deleted. It is sad as the topic of "why women do not leave violent men" is a reasonable topic to discuss. I know that this is a thread about a thread, but please mumsnet don't delete it.

I have started this thread in hope that it will educate and maybe give more support and information to those in a domestic violence situation. Please be kind as the experience of domestic violence takes years to recover from.

I experienced domestic violence at 19 years old. It took me six weeks to get out of the relationship. It was easy for me as I had no children and people around me to support me. However my mental health has never fully recovered. I still experience flashbacks 21 years later of having a broken piece of glass held to my throat. During the six weeks of violence I was experiencing a nervous breakdown.

To answer the goady post question.
.
Why do women not leave their partners? ...

Stockholmn syndrome

Women in such a situation are mentally and physically battered. They find it hard to think and often are suffering from severe depression or post traumatic stress. The abuser often systematically cuts off the victim from family and friends who can help, and can be very controlling financially. I think it must take a hell of a lot of courage to leave a house with a small baby in winter with no money and nothing but the clothes you are standing up in. (Even if your confidence has not been dented.) Occassionally there can be language barriers that making accessing help difficult. Councils are not good about rehoming women who are fleeing from domestic violence.

My lovely stbdil is a councillor and told me I am a 'compulsive care giver'

Yes when your parents spend all their married lives arguing/fighting/leaving and worse of all accusing you of taking sides or liking the other parent more or siding against them maybe she's right.

I know as a child of parents who were essentially young lovers who fought like cat and dog regardless of the damage inflicted on me and my dsis it sickens me that any mother/father could allow their children to grow up in such an environment.

My dsis has broken contact. I am left with them still fighting and covering up violence that led to my dad tripping up my mom and breaking her hip 2 years ago. Nothing new. But it feels bad to essentially collude with them
to lie to doctors about how it happened. I know. They know. My dh knows but couldn't possibly tell my grown up kids. They adore grandad.

It's a pernicious vicious pattern that becomes the norm and I know for an absolute fact that if I had told staff about how my dm had sustained injuries over the years she would have never forgiven me.

Sorry to derail but I think it's a valuable thread and I just wanted to put across how a couple can normalise this behaviour and how adult children like myself can be so worn down by this and so ashamed and anxious to protect their children that they don't break the myth.

Please if you are in an abusive situation think if your children. I mean really think.

Regarding the semantics of should we say abuse or violence or what ever! Really? That's the issue here?

Op think your 6 weeks and multiply that by 51 years. That's my age.

Thank you for starting this thread. I hope other children of dv post too.

Sometimes I think we are forgotten in the midst if helping our parents.

Another difficulty is the fear of not being believed. After all, a man who is kind and charming in public couldn't possibly be abusive to his wife behind closed doors, could he? Even though that's the reality. But people often won't believe something they haven't seen and can't imagine. Friends and family think they know a couple, and haven't ever noticed that anything is wrong, so they support the abusive partner, who denies everything. It's very isolating.

OP thanks for starting the thread.

I wish that I and my friends/family had more understanding of DV when it was happening to me.

I didn't even know enough to use that language. If you had told me I was being abused I would have laughed at you/thought you were crazy. I thought DV was something that happened to middle aged married women with kids. I didn't think it happened to teenage students. I called what was happening 'us having fights' as I did try to defend myself from his attacks. I was the only one ever injured though.

Even now my case doesn't feel very 'typical' compared to other women's accounts. There wasn't control or verbal abuse, he did spend all my loan money though. It was 'just' occasional drunken physical attacks. I saw his problem as one unique to him- I didn't know how common it is. I thought he was broken and it was my job to fix him. I never wanted to leave as 99% of the time he was a lovely boyfriend. I'd committed to him and thought that meant I should stick with him through his troubles and help him get better. There is such a big cultural pressure to believe that 'love conquers all'. I didn't want to be a 'failure' who 'couldn't keep hold of her man'. All so naive, I know.

OP I'm glad you have recovered and have built a new life. I have too but I'll never really feel safe with anyone again and it does have its impact on my relationship with DP.

On a practical level it was very hard to leave. We had a joint private tenancy so I had to stay living with him until the 2 months notice was up, even though I was scared for my life. I moved somewhere for a couple of nights but I had no way of paying for it so had to go back. As a student I couldn't claim any benefits, not that I knew anything about benefits then anyway.

It may not be immediately apparent why some women (or indeed male victims) don't leave their partners so rather than accuse it of being "goady" it should just be addressed and explained why. Anything that helps make people more informed about DV is a good thing surely

Burke1 this thread started off life as a thread about a thread. I assume you did not see the original thread that caused offence. Quite rightly the first thread was deleted as the tone of the first poster who started that thread was obnoxious. This thread is a politer thread to discuss the question raised in far kinder language.

No one has yet complained that my thread I'd "goady". I think that people on this thread have been kind and considerate towards each other. Thank you to those who given me virtual flowers.