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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this weird or am I?

61 replies

ExitStageLeft · 31/05/2015 22:11

It was DS's 4th birthday party today, I invited the children from his pre-school who I know are going to his infants school to say hi and hopefully build some relationships with the parents.

One little girl turned up, her Dad shook my hand and then said "you'll be overrun here, I'll leave her and pick her up later. What time?"

I was quite shocked (she's 4, maybe even 3) and said "will she be ok?" and he almost laughed and said "of course, she'll be fine. Here's my number if you need me" and left me his business card.

It was a hectic party, with around 40 adults and 20 children. My husband was on garden duty and was keeping an eye on here but after about half an hour I saw the little girl by the bouncy castle looking a bit lost. I asked her if she was ok and she shook her head but couldn't reply. I took her inside and went through the usual things, loo, drink, food and then said "shall I phone Daddy?" and she nodded.

Phoned him, he was clearly put out but came back about another half hour later all the time my niece had to babysit her as frankly I was so busy I couldn't. Poor little love she was so scared.

Dad never acknowledged it or apologised, did stay but was very rude. At one point when we were doing the cake the little girl sidled up my my husband and sat on his knee even though she doesn't know him from Adam, and her Dad was right there!

To be clear, I'd never met the parent or child before.

Who actually does that?! Or are we being weird.....?

OP posts:
steppemum · 31/05/2015 23:44

This comes up often on mn and there are usually about half the parents saying no parents stayed from age 3/4 and the other half saying that all the parents stayed til the kids were 6/7.

I think it depends a lot on where you live, and where the party is, and what the convention is. Also if your child is happy to be left of course.

Around here, most dropped off at age 4. Even at age 3 more than half dropped off, and left, but they were all friends at pre-school and the party was at my house.

I expected people to drop and come back and was surprised hen people stayed.

Original poster
ExitStageLeft · 01/06/2015 06:23

No Fred, as I said, only one of the children from pre-school actually came.

I may be "weird" but you're rude.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExitStageLeft · 01/06/2015 06:32

I also really don't think it's "weird" to want to be friendly with other parents from school. Maybe that's your "weirdness" Fred.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 01/06/2015 06:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Booboostoo · 01/06/2015 06:38

I had DD's 4th birthday party a week ago and out of 23 children, most of whom where 4 year olds but some were older siblings, 18 were left on their own. The only difficult one was an older sibling (6?) who kept hitting the younger ones and taking toys out of their party bags. He needed individual supervision which I think is too much and his parents should not have left him if they knew he was going through a phase of being a bit difficult. All the others were great, although I did do 10 toilet runs!

My DD is too worried to stay on her own yet so I do stay with her but each child is different and I don't see anything weird in 'drop and run' - that's the point of parties for the parents!

Eigg · 01/06/2015 06:38

Exit I think the problem is that the Dad assumed it was a kids party, where you expect the kids to be monitored and managed through games and birthday tea and in actual fact what you had was a house party to which you invited some families you didn't know. A house party where of course things are less structured and more free flowing is of course not the place for a 4 yo on their own but a kids party would be fine at the same age.

He's not weird he just misunderstood. How clear was your invite?

ProfYaffle · 01/06/2015 06:51

ime 4th birthday parties are the 'watershed' stage where some people will leave their dc. Mine wouldn't be left at that age but a few of their friends would It's not unusual.

And the thing about her sitting on your dh's lap isn't unusual either. My dh is one of those kid magnet types (fortunately I'm a kid repeller!) he frequently ends up with small dc clinging to him even when their parents are nearby. It's not a sign of anything wrong in her relationship with her Dad.

nooka · 01/06/2015 06:55

I'd imagine most parent would have assumed a 4 year old's birthday party would have involved a smaller number of children and just a few supervising adults, with party games etc so quite structured. I think it's probably an age where some might stay and some might not, which is why the mum asked, but as you didn't actually answer her I can see why the dad thought it was optional, saw that there were lots of adults, assumed they were supervising and so thought leaving was better than being sociable with a load of strangers.

I'm sorry he was rude, but why should he have apologised? Did you apologise to him that she had got upset? If you invite little ones to your party then having to look after them can't really have come as a huge surprise - if you wanted all the parents to stay then when the mum messaged you you should have said that a parent needed to stay - ie 'we'd like a parent to be there, and siblings are welcome too'

Original poster
ExitStageLeft · 01/06/2015 07:00

Thanks All, clearly us that wouldn't leave a 4 year old with adults we don't know! I've never had or sent an invite that was explicit in what the party was to entail....all the other adults at the party were also shocked but clearly in AIBU we are OTT PFB parents. Must remember to post in chat next time. Hmm

OP posts:
Lookatmyredtrousers · 01/06/2015 07:00

I don't really understand the way people expect parties to work. You want your child to host their party and have their friends there but you also want all their parents to stay and care for them as you don't want to take any responsibility for the guests.
It makes a party- one that you're supposed to be hosting- a chore rather than fun. Parent also has to give up their time to sit in a strangers house watching their child run about. They can't do any if the weekend stuff they probably need to after a busy week: shopping, taking cat to vet, getting car washed, whatever. It sounds crap.

mamadoc · 01/06/2015 07:00

DC1 I stayed at all the 4th and 5th b'day parties because she would cry if I didn't

DC2 went to a party last weekend and was dropped off although he is still only 3. He is a very confident child who ran off to play with his friends straight away, I was working so DH would have had to sit with much older DD on the sidelines, we live round the corner and he left his mobile and checked with the party mum that it was ok.

I will admit that I was surprised when I hosted my first ever party for DD1's 4th b'day that parents wanted to drop off but in retrospect these were 2nd, 3rd or 4th DC and I guess PFBness had worn off. I had enlisted plenty of family help so there were enough grown ups. One little boy had pretty much 1:1 attention from my mum as he was refusing to join in with the others. We didn't phone because he was dropped by his gran who clearly had 2 older DC in tow. I have also been surprised by a parent still wanting to stay at a 7th b'day for a small group activity where it was really awkward.

I now make it very clear in the invite whether I expect parents to stay or go and ask them to let us know if needing to bring sibs and provide a sign up sheet for people to leave their mobile numbers if dropping off (live and learn).

I used to enjoy staying for a natter with my mates at parties whilst DC were entertained especially if grown up drinks and snacks were provided but these days I equally enjoy a few hours of peace having dropped them.

YABU to expect the parents to know they were supposed to stay from what you've said. Live and learn.

Original poster
ExitStageLeft · 01/06/2015 07:01

And I wouldn't "assume" anything when it comes to my kids.

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 01/06/2015 07:04

Isn't the whole point that the girl seemed scared and overwhelmed? All the people saying "I leave my confident 4 year old" are missing this somewhat

Eigg · 01/06/2015 07:13

Exit if you sent a pirate/dinosaurs/Little Jake would live you to join him for his big 4th birthday type invite I'd expect jelly, ice cream and pass the parcel.

If you sent - we are having some friends to the house to celebrate Jake's birthday you and your family would be welcome to join us then I'd expect a house party - that's what I meant.

A house party for a 4 yo'a birthday is a but unusual so I think that's where the confusion has arisen.

BernardlookImaprostituterobotf · 01/06/2015 07:17

Why use 'weird' quite explicitly in your title - Inc 'or am I?'- and then get quite so objectionable with Fred for actually answering that very question with your own terminology?
No need for it.

It doesn't seem like anything more than a misunderstanding. She may have been to 6 parties this year and been happily left but found the number of adults overwhelming (who he wouldn't necessarily expect to be there. You have updated it was a social thing but the op said child's party, I wouldn't have expected those numbers for a pre-school party either) , she may have been fine yesterday or tomorrow. 3/4 year olds can surprise you. He came back when you called.
I wouldn't be calling him weird in your position.

BathshebaDarkstone · 01/06/2015 07:20

I still have no idea what the correct etiquette is here, I'm doing picnics in the park for my DC's birthdays this year. I'd like parents to stay for the 4yos, but not so bothered for the 8yos. That's mostly because it's in a park though.

Original poster
ExitStageLeft · 01/06/2015 07:21

Exactly Fanjo, she definitely wasn't ok.

They were bog standard stripey invites that clearly weren't explicit. they stated they were for DS and DN's 4th party and gave my address and phone number. The reason there were so many kids is it was for my son and my niece, I don't think ten friends each is much? Ten kids plus (on average) two parents plus grandparents is 40 adults...don't understand why people are implying I had some sort of rave?

OP posts:
Original poster
ExitStageLeft · 01/06/2015 07:22

Oh and I didn't call him weird, j asked if anyone agreed the behaviour of leaving your kid (when you saw that there were lots of parents and kids and my massive rave) was weird.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 01/06/2015 07:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ExitStageLeft · 01/06/2015 07:25

I can understand people saying it's not weird, that's fine but I don't understand how it's my issue for not being explicit of how many people would be at a party...

OP posts:
Bellaisnotmyname · 01/06/2015 07:25

Yanbu. It shows poor judgement to leave a very young child in a place where they don't know anybody and I don't understand people who do this. It's different when the child is at nursery because they are in a familiar setting with familiar adults who are there to look after them so I don't get the argument that 'they are left alone at daycare'. Being left alone in a hall with a bunch of strangers and possibly overwhelming party activities and loud music could be quite intimidating.

milliemanzi · 01/06/2015 07:46

Op you seem to be getting quite defensive, it just sounds like you overreacted a bit, he misread the situation (probs due to your text), so what? He came back when you called.

I'll take the "he was rude when he returned" bit with a pinch of salt as your feelings about the whole thing are clearly being clouded.
Also not sure what you're trying to imply about her sitting on your husband's knee?! Feel sorry for the girl's dad to be honest!

MerynFuckingTrant · 01/06/2015 07:46

Have I read this right?
40 adults and 20 children in your house???
Ds1 is in reception, if he goes to a party at someone's house I stay for 5 mins to check he's fine (he always is) then leave.
If it's a large party at a venue then I stay.
DS1 had 5 children at his birthday party at our house, 3 parents stayed, 2 didn't. Either way was fine.

At a huge party like yours I would have stayed to keep an eye on him but small parties in normal sized houses I wouldn't.

I don't think the dad was weird, he probably just wasn't sure what was expected. It's an age where some people stay and some don't.

Original poster
ExitStageLeft · 01/06/2015 08:06

He was curt and not at all friendly. As said "I think she is a bit overwhelmed" and he said "well, I don't know what that's all about." I said "would you like a drink?" and he said "no."

Whether or not the party was what he thought it would/should be, it wasn't, he saw that clearly when he arrived and my house and garden were full of people. So surely if my massive rave wasn't what he was expecting and he saw there were loads of other parents he could have stayed.

I suppose I think it's unusual that a child that was so upset about strangers will then go to my husband for comfort over her Dad?

OP posts:
whois · 01/06/2015 08:21

I said "would you like a drink?" and he said "no."

Slightly ride to drop the 'thanks you' from 'no thank you' but you are making way more of this than needed.

I think if you're going to have a party, it's a bit much to have a big unstructured one where parents are expected to stay like that. It's not going to be agin social event for him (if he's not the sociable type) sitting there not knowing anyone.

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