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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

School friend's poor wedding excuse?

61 replies

krystellie · 31/05/2015 19:47

Despite sending the 'Save the Date' letter out months ago, a (supposedly) good friend from school has just contacted me to say she can't come to our wedding the day before the RSVP deadline as she has just booked a holiday for 3 after our wedding and she hates her job (!)

Is it just me or is this a tad rude? Especially as I had offered to help her with accommodation and she was previously keen to attend?

Difficult to know what to respond with without sounding offended...

OP posts:

Original poster

krystellie · 31/05/2015 20:05

She's still saying she wants to come, so who knows.

Just all seems a bit odd.

OP posts:

formerbabe · 31/05/2015 20:05

Is it a "save the date" card or a "you have no choice but to save the date" card?!

Original poster

krystellie · 31/05/2015 20:06

Koalafications: That is so rude! Did they ever say anything about it afterwards?

I was expecting people who'd not been married to be unreliable about RSVPing, but actually it's the people who've had massive, lavish ceremonies (which we aren't) who've been the worst.

OP posts:

pictish · 31/05/2015 20:08

If her financial situation is anything like ours, she will be keeping all her pennies for holiday spends. Outfit/present/travel/drinks at a wedding adds up to a not insubstantial amount and if she's going on holiday she maybe can't afford to spend it...and that's ok. She has let you know in the appropriate time frame.

A wedding invitation is just that...an invitation, not a summons.

FryOneFatManic · 31/05/2015 20:09

What is her given reason for not coming to the wedding then?

The reason is actually irrelevant. She has declined in good time, and as an invitations is just that and not a summons, she doesn't have to give a reason.

Despite sending the 'Save the Date' letter out months ago

A "Save the Date" letter is not an invitation, so sending them out doesn't guarantee people will be able to save the date.

If this lady is having trouble at work, she may have decided that she's saving money by just having the family holiday. Weddings are not cheap to attend these days, with expectations that guests fork out for gifts, new outfits, maybe accommodation. And then there are hen nights on top. It mounts up, and quite frankly is ridiculous for a wedding that's not either your own or close family.

Just reply saying that's a shame and send her some cake.

Totally agree. She replied in time.

viva100 · 31/05/2015 20:10

YABU When people tell you about their weddings you have no choice but sound excited. However a holiday is more important than a wedding and it might be that it would make things harder at work if she took leave twice in a month. She told you she is having a hard time at work which is why she is prioritizing her holiday which is fair enough. She also told you before the deadline so again, fair enough. Also, she just isn't that bothered about your wedding. Why would she? You two are obvisouly not close.

Koalafications · 31/05/2015 20:10

Yes, krystellie various bollocks excuses given. It was the fact that they just didn't show up on the wedding day that pissed me off, I wouldn't have minded if they had cancelled a week or two beforehand as I could have invited other people (who would have loved to come to the whole day but I couldn't have them as it was just too expensive).

pictish · 31/05/2015 20:11

Well again...in my situation I would want to go to the wedding as well as have spends for my holiday, but probably couldn't manage to facilitate both.

Original poster

krystellie · 31/05/2015 20:12

FryOneFatManic: Completely agree but we're not having a gift list/collection, nor hen/stag dos and I offered to cover her accommodation.

I'm accepting she's stressed with work and wanting to save her pennies which is absolutely her call.

OP posts:

LondonRocks · 31/05/2015 20:16

Yup. It's her call.

TheRachel · 31/05/2015 20:18

Maybe send her a sympathetic / understanding message hoping everything is ok with work etc and see how it goes from there?

PenguinBollards · 31/05/2015 20:20

I think you are BU ~ its not rude to decline an invitation to a wedding, for any reason.

Disappointing for you, yes ~ but not rude behaviour on her part, especially as she declined prior to the RSVP deadline.

EponasWildDaughter · 31/05/2015 20:24

fryone - you've quoted me asking what her given reason is. I agree - she doesn't need to give one. I posted earlier to say i didn't think it was rude to decline and offered some reasons why she may not feel able to come.

I was asking the OP about the given reason as the OP hadn't made it clear.

Nolim · 31/05/2015 20:25

It is ok to decline an invitation for whatever reason, and she did so before the deadline. I dont se anything wrong in her behaviour.

Perfectlypurple · 31/05/2015 20:30

Your wedding is your number one priority not anyone else's. There could be any number of reasons she doesn't want to attend. I am often enthusiastic about things then realise that financially/work or whatever means I can't do something that I want to.

A once good friend of mine got married, I wanted to go on her hen weekend and was enthusiastic about it, but I couldn't go as I couldn't get time off. She hasn't spoken to me since!

LovelyBranches · 31/05/2015 20:32

Be grateful, 4 people didn't turn up to my wedding on the day. Two of my cousins and their partners, one of them was supposed to be doing a reading! Absolutely no problems beforehand either. I had a text whilst getting ready telling me that they wouldn't be there and I had to find someone to do a reading!

It's not rude to let you know prior to the RSVP deadline.

TheRoseAndTheFire · 31/05/2015 20:35

She is free to decline an invitation. She did so before you're RSVP deadline. What's the problem? You sent her an invitation not a summons. There could be lots of reasons. Perhaps she just doesn't fancy it. she really doesn't have to explain herself to you. Your wedding is a massive thing for you. Of course it is. For most of the guests it is just another wedding.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 31/05/2015 20:36

It's an invitation not a summons, no one has to attend and she's declined before the deadline so I don't see a problem.

The chance of a holiday would always take priority over a wedding for me. It's unlikely I'd be able to afford to do both so a holiday would win every time .

Don't take it personally, have a fab time xx

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 31/05/2015 20:39

Well at leAst she's let you know. Not just not turned up on the day. Perhaps that was the only booking available.
I'm going to come over as awful now and you're well within your right to flame and obviously I know nothing about her or you for that matter and this is just speculation but... could it be she has booked the holiday to purposely avoid your wedding? Is she single, had her heart broken?

Have you been over bragging about your wedding. Could it be that she feels like you're rubbing salt on the wounds.
Like I said I don't know she could be happily married.

TheRoseAndTheFire · 31/05/2015 20:39

Arg sorry. I obviously meant your NOT you're.

Laquitar · 31/05/2015 20:42

Maybe 'work problems' means she fears she is about to lose her job?

Viviennemary · 31/05/2015 20:58

I'd be put out tbh. Something like illness can't be helped but booking a holiday at the last minute is just cheeky. In fact I'd be quite annoyed. But if the decision is because she's short of money I'd be sympathetic. Or if she has to travel a long way.

1Morewineplease · 31/05/2015 21:02

"save the Dates" are relatively new... When you only have a few weeks of holiday to book and you've only been given a small time frame to book it , it can be hard.. Generally a wedding invitation arrives and it either suits or it doesn't.. Maybe she waited until the last minute to see if she could wangle the time! Wedding invites, with the best will in the world, cause angst! You think it's the most important day!.. The rest of the world don't .. Sorry

Original poster

krystellie · 31/05/2015 21:31

Viviennemary - this is what I was meaning. After the Save the Date went out, she kept going on how excited she was to attend, now she's decided to book a holiday instead.

OP posts:

WanderingAboutRandomly · 31/05/2015 21:38

Presumably she is going on holiday with someone else - perhaps they had constraints as to when they could go.

I think yanbu to be dissapointed that she can't come but yabu if you are dissapointed in her.

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