To think DH is taking the p***

[Clarella]

It's more of a question really.

What is a reasonable amount of going out/ drinking aged 39 with a child of 2.5?

I've also been pretty I well for some time, though on the mend.

My gripe is; within a typical month: one Friday out till 4:am drinking playing cards. Did make an effort however through his hangover.

Attend a barbecue, decide to stay a bit later and get taxi home, end up not getting taxi home, staying over and getting very drunk indeed, failing to inform me of anything till 9 the next day, then too unwell to come home till about 2:00pm.

Three to four other evenings out, of more 'reasonable' drinking (ie home about 11:30) and sort of linked to work - discussing things with colleague while watching football, a mid week pub meet sort of thing.

I have always found his going out hard to keep up with. My biggest gripe is how much it can be unplanned, get carried away, eats into the next day.

He has apologised, - this is an improvement as he usually sees it as totally his right - but I struggle to cope with my energy levels as it is. I can't envisage ever being able to have a second child and this kind of pattern?

Or am I being unreasonable?

I'd be ok with staying out all night if I had forewarning and it was planned. There are events coming up already planned as always, but then the extra unplanned unable to stop stuff creeps in.

He has several different groups of friends who he was at uni with living locally.

I keep re reading the op to check I have got it right, as I'm finding the responses quite unusual.
If I've read correctly, he goes out about 4/5 times per month, so once per week on average, and everyone and you are saying this is too much.
This is a parallel universe situation for me. I don't know anyone with dc who goes out this infrequently.
I will meet my mum friends at least weekly, dh ditto with his, we both train at our sport a good few times a week, socialise as a family with friends every weekend.
For me, the issue isn't how often he goes out, the major problem was the time he went out till 9am the next day without telling you. That isn't on.

His drinking problem will be contributing to his anxiety, or what may look like anxiety but may well be misdirected anger. I am saying this as a daughter and daughter-in-law of problem drinkers. If he is displaying behaviours sufficiently disordered that your parents felt the need to write to him, then you need some sort of intervention. It's not the frequency of his going out that's the issue here, it's that he clearly can't control his impulses, particularly around alcohol.

Are thereany, I think you're right, it's the getting mortal 2-3 times a month, some which may be planned, others a carried away situation, on top of going out to the pub 'normally' plus awards ceremonies and work things, so that it impedes family life (ie he is not able to contribute to weekend family life) He works most nights till 7 too so I'm kinda home alone a lot.

I get to go to swimming etc, but I have to as am following physio to try to recover from an extremely bad back/ spd/ hms/ thyroid issues/ muscle loss.

It is the awol / excess behaviour.

I think it's a lot of nights out. We have a DD of a similar age and I manage about one a month, maybe one every 3 months with DH (he is a bit of a recluse though and I have a demanding job). It doesn't matter what the average is though - it matters that it doesn't suit you. It is also annoying when your partner thinks they can do things on a whim as that isn't fair to the person who's left holding the baby, so to speak. Incidentally, could the drinking be creating the anxiety? Some people can't tolerate much/any alcohol, even if they're not alcoholic.

He's being disrespectful, bottom line. Not telling you he's got plans, going out on the fly, coming home at 2 the next day - he's 39 going on 19. Is he likely to change now? Doubt it.

Post-natal depression, as far as I'm aware, is a hormonal imbalance in women. He might have got a bit depressed by the fact that he has a child and was required to be a bit more responsible and that upset him. I don't think you can change someone's personality. He just isn't suited to home life.

I'm not saying put up with it at all; you need to carry on and confront him on this every time. It is not reasonable behaviour. Nights out should be planned well in advance and only if both agree it's ok, especially as you are ill. That's just respectful and decent. He's sticking his head in the sand (or at the bottom of a pint). What I'm saying is, is he likely to change? In my experience, people either care about their partner or they don't. Sorry. I hope it does improve.