Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is taking the p***

55 replies

Clarella · 31/05/2015 16:34

It's more of a question really.

What is a reasonable amount of going out/ drinking aged 39 with a child of 2.5?

I've also been pretty I well for some time, though on the mend.

My gripe is; within a typical month: one Friday out till 4:am drinking playing cards. Did make an effort however through his hangover.

Attend a barbecue, decide to stay a bit later and get taxi home, end up not getting taxi home, staying over and getting very drunk indeed, failing to inform me of anything till 9 the next day, then too unwell to come home till about 2:00pm.

Three to four other evenings out, of more 'reasonable' drinking (ie home about 11:30) and sort of linked to work - discussing things with colleague while watching football, a mid week pub meet sort of thing.

I have always found his going out hard to keep up with. My biggest gripe is how much it can be unplanned, get carried away, eats into the next day.

He has apologised, - this is an improvement as he usually sees it as totally his right - but I struggle to cope with my energy levels as it is. I can't envisage ever being able to have a second child and this kind of pattern?

Or am I being unreasonable?

I'd be ok with staying out all night if I had forewarning and it was planned. There are events coming up already planned as always, but then the extra unplanned unable to stop stuff creeps in.

He has several different groups of friends who he was at uni with living locally.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarella · 31/05/2015 18:18

Champion - I have feared that, and that's what gets me down.

I'm hopeful that he has started recently to say he recognises the waste of the day/s that it is. I guess I need to see more evidence!

To be fair, put up a load of shelves last weekend and did a mass tidy on Friday night to surprise me. Shock

He IS making an effort.

Just wish he didn't morph into an 18 year old with drink!

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 31/05/2015 18:20

I must admit both myself and dh go out much more frequently than this, and always have done, since the dc were newborns.
But, the difference is, we're both happy with this.
The allnighter without word until 9am the next day is not acceptable.

AnyFucker · 31/05/2015 18:21

He is finding the shift to responsible adulthood quite tough

dear god when will women stop excusing the selfish behaviour of men ?

I despair

cleanmyhouse · 31/05/2015 18:21

I wouldn't be bothered about the frequency of his nights out, or the not coming home, as long as i was informed. I still like partying and i'm 39, but not when i have to get up with the kids in the morning and probably only once a month at most to that extent.
i would be bothered about the fact that other people are having to be very firm about saying they're going to bed half an hour after you've left. That makes it sound like he's not in control and doesn't know when the party is over, and that he's making a bit of a fool of himself.

Eminado · 31/05/2015 18:22

Clarella you seem like a very nice person but to answer your question, no i do not think this is reasonable behaviour for a 39 year old father. He is a good 15 years out of uni - assuming average start and finish age.

I am sure your friends do like him and you continue to make excuses for him, but i can only tell you what i think and I would be embarrased, feel taken for granted and overall not be very happy.

Hope you work it out.

FatAli · 31/05/2015 18:31

He sounds extremely immature.

flightywoman · 31/05/2015 18:40

At 39 his shift to adulthood should have happened a long time ago - he's a year off 40, not in his first few years out of university FFS!

I think he's taking the piss. One-offs are forgiveable, but it's not reasonable as a regular pattern of behaviour. Where are your frequent week-nights out? Where are your all-nighters (if you wanted them)? Where are your nights of just not coming home?

He can put up as many shelves as he likes, he's being selfish and unfair, and he knows it. But he doesn't seem to be making an effort to actually stop or do the things that he has promised to do with you and your child.

AnyFucker · 31/05/2015 18:48

op, put your own shelves up

that's the easy part

being a proper grown up is a lot more challenging and some people never manage it

especially when the people surrounding them excuse and enable this shit

Original poster
Clarella · 31/05/2015 21:06

If I put our shelves up on top of everything else I do in the house, there'd be more opportunity for him to have a hangover! However I couldn't even if I wanted to as I'm still too weak. But this isn't the point.

I don't enable him; I've made it pretty clear it's not acceptable.

I suppose I wanted to gauge what might be a normal reasonable amount of going out. But it's the getting carried away really that is the issue, which I have and am going to discuss with him.

I've made it clear the bbq incident has impacted on both mine and ds's sunday and this is not acceptable. I also am tempted to say that I will not cover for or excuse similar behaviour as our son gets older. In fact I think DH knows he will not be able to continue; I asked him if he remembered his father doing the same and it hasn't occurred to him what our sons view might be.

Yes he's immature. Hmm
At the same time, he's got qualities that make him enthusiastic and determined in life, he's achieved a lot in his field, and a part of it has been through his zest for life. I guess he needs to find the right balance. He can't really have his cake and eat it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/05/2015 22:55

but he is having his cake and eating it

right now

today, and every day

Onyxia · 31/05/2015 22:58

Yanbu. I would expect this of a man in his early 20s not a 39 yr old father of young children

ClawofBumhead · 31/05/2015 23:02

He's behaving like a teenager and wants to grow the fuck up.

LowryFan · 31/05/2015 23:44

I cannot imagine my parents writing a letter to my husband. OP he sounds utterly awful. I'm so sorry.

mrsfuzzy · 01/06/2015 00:46

maybe i'm missing the point but why on earth would you want a 2nd child with this man ? he does not seem to have a lot of regard for his family, has not grown up and drinks too much, finding the transition to responsible adult a bit tough how old is he ? 20 ? sorry, but i don't get this, don't make excuses for him, you are not his mum. i feel for you and your young child.
of course he's going to say the 'right things' to your parents but that doesn't mean a thing unless he grows up,

Original poster
Clarella · 01/06/2015 08:14

As with most things, there's always a bigger picture of details from the last two years im not going to go into.

I will say I believe he genuinely has had post natal depression and anxiety. Though he has always gone out, so not much excuse. He did stop when Lo was born and things got strained between us, as well as my illness and he had to care for me for a while when ds was 8 mo. I recovered for a while and remember the going out starting then. But to this end we are going to go to counselling - and I think it's a sign of wanting to try harder that he's so keen to go.

I may not be able to have a second child, but I know he does, at the same time this is likely to be the motivation to change. Tbh I will be subtly making ultimatums at counselling.

My parents, in a way, wrote the letter in a loving and reassuring way, addressing some of his insecurities around our son (these can be extreme, and I do see severe anxiety at times eg if ds has a bad fall and bumps his head)

I do appreciate those of you who have been honest about the commitments some types of work have to the social side of things and about what is reasonable. I do know we live in an area of the uk where it's very normal to go out a lot plus there's the opportunity to do so.

I do also appreciate the harsher comments as actually, it helps to be challenged! And I find it helpful to not be totally in agreement, as it highlights the subtleties in our situation.

I was warmed by another mothers comment at a play group that men tend to be 5 years behind... Wink

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/06/2015 08:24

head/desk

firesidechat · 01/06/2015 08:31

But he's not 5 years behind. He is about 15 years behind (if I'm being generous) and showing no signs of growing up yet.

I hate sweeping generalisations of men or women. There will be many, many women on here who have managed to find a kind, responsible and caring man without too much trouble. I know I did.

firesidechat · 01/06/2015 08:35

Op, I wondered for a moment there if you were a relative of mine, except that some of the facts don't fit.

In his case it's not about postnatal depression or any other nice interpretation. He's just a potentially abusive idiot and incredibly immature on top of that.

AnyFucker · 01/06/2015 09:08

your playgroup friend, for example, is a sexist emptyhead

JoshL · 01/06/2015 09:15

I'm a bit younger than your DH, and I basically gave up going out after DC1 (now 5) was born. We live in quite a remote place, so organising transport and childcare is difficult, but it was also because of money issues and the fact that, now that I am rarely drinking a big night knocks me on my *rse for a day or two. So I would consider it unreasonable, never mind I can't imagine how anybody can afford a night out nowadays!

Connecting with friends is important (for both of you, not just him) when you have very young DCs and potential MH issue, but this does not have to revolve around drinking. Just the fact that you're asking means that it is a problem for you.

firesidechat - where are you getting potentially abusive from?

JoshL · 01/06/2015 09:24

OP - if your parents are noticing - and I note you said 'in relation to some other stuff' - this should be where it is clear you never had to ask if you were being unreasonable or not, since others are

That the drinking on it's own is a problem is clear from what you have said in your messages, so this will need addressed if any counselling is to be successful.

firesidechat · 01/06/2015 09:35

I was talking about my relative, not the op's husband. I don't think the op is in an abusive situation at all, just not a very nice one.

JoshL · 01/06/2015 10:24

firesidechat

Apologies, I didn't mean that to come off like I was challenging your comment, I thought there was maybe something I'd missed that you had picked up on. Will be more careful.

firesidechat · 01/06/2015 16:06

No apologies needed. Just another of those times when I wrote something that sounded right in my head, but wasn't so clear on the page.

Original poster
Clarella · 01/06/2015 16:36

Hi, parents wrote regarding what could be seen as pnd in him. Not drinking. My mum says my dad was a bit like that (going out) in the first couple of years of babyhood. But they were younger.

Thanks for opinions, he's not abusive, just enjoys his mates a bit too much.

OP posts: