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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wwyd, Mil favouring one child?

46 replies

Mermaidhair · 31/05/2015 06:21

Have just come back from visiting mil with ds and dd. My mil favours my ds13 over dd12. It has been going on for the last 4 years, subtly at first but now it is beyond obvious. My dh cannot intervene as he is in heaven. I think it is because my ds reminds her of my dh. I have diagnosed mil with narcissism.Wink and she is very manipulative. I need suggestions on how to bring this up with her. Examples of things she does are, will spend 5-8 times the amount on birthday gifts for ds. Calls ds "my love" dd is called by her name. Dd will get in trouble for things that ds won't. Asks ds to come and visit but not dd. She will do this sneakily where I will hear. I never hear her doing most things as she must wait until I cannot hear. There was an incident at Xmas when she told my dd to wait to get her food until after ds has taken what he wanted! I pulled her up on it immediately, we were at my bil house so I didn't want to cause a scene by walking out but it is what I wanted to do. Consequently I will never go there again. My dh was to sick when it started happening to know what was going on, if he was still alive and was never sick there is absolutely no way he would have put up with it. I know my dd is looking to me to protect her, it makes her sad and I cannot leave it any longer. How should I deal with this?

OP posts:
wowfudge · 31/05/2015 06:33

How often do you see MIL? Can you speak to your ds and explain that it isn't on that his sister is treated less favourably? Kind of depends what relationship the siblings have at those ages.

On the never going to BIL's again - sorry, but that seems an overreaction when it was MIL who told your dd to wait until her brother had helped himself to food. You could speak to both kids about sexist treatment of either one of them not being on. If your ds said words to the effect of 'come on, you dig in too' to his sister that would take the wind out of her sails.

The other thing is that she is grieving too and seeing your late dh in your ds seems to be comforting to her. Can you have a chat with her about it?

Original poster
Mermaidhair · 31/05/2015 07:10

With bil house, I have only ever been there twice, he has only ever seen my dc 10 times at most in their whole lives. Ds and dd are very very close. My ds even notices it, and he is always extra kind to his sister after. We see mil every 8 weeks on average. I always put it off talking to her about it, then before I know it, it is time to visit again and we go through it all again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mermaidhair · 31/05/2015 07:15

The issue with the food was very intense and rude, it wasn't a casual "oh let your brother go first" it was "I bought these for ds, you let him take what he wants first!", I said no they can share, and again she said "no dd can wait and have what is left. It was both of their favourite food and she knows that. It was to be nasty, I think she knew I wouldn't make a fuss at bil home. I am sad for my dd as it is so obvious and breaking her heart. But do I let mil continue as she gets comfort from my ds?

OP posts:
DartmoorDoughnut · 31/05/2015 07:16

Personally I'd tell MIL that you don't appreciate what she is doing favouring DS over DD and that if she does it one more time she won't see either of them again. She'll probably deny it but don't get involved with examples just reiterate your point. If she doesn't stop then don't go and see her. It would be her own fault as she would have been warned. Good luck!

Mehitabel6 · 31/05/2015 07:20

I would just explain it to your children and then take a very light hearted way with MIL and turn it into a joke- 'as in Oh - aren't you the blue eyed boy!' Easy if Ds and DD are close and know what is going on and DS is happy to do the same.

Mehitabel6 · 31/05/2015 07:22

With the food it needs DS to tell his sister to go first- nothing she can do then.

tobysmum77 · 31/05/2015 08:13

So MIL has lost her ds Sad and she didn't behave like this before. Is the problem that she is grieving rather than a narc?

I would try having a conversation with her sensitively. Talk about the effect losing their father has had on both children and you.

Thymeout · 31/05/2015 08:30

I'd have a word with her, with the preamble that you're sure she's not aware she's doing it, but the dcs have noticed and it's making your ds uncomfortable and your dd unhappy.

You know how hard it is to see the resemblance between ds and his father, her ds, and this is probably why she's doing it but ....

And take it from there, with examples described as factually as possible.

I'm so sorry for your loss. This would be tricky under normal circumstances but I'd do everything I could to maintain the relationships with the inlaws for everyone's benefit.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/05/2015 08:38

Yes she has lost her ds, and it certainly is that she sees your ds like him, and is lavishing him with her love and it shows, but this is not acceptable, you have said your dh would not put up with that, so you don't. You cannot dismissing it and underplaying it to your children, after a while it will wear thin, and your dd will become very hurt by this behaviour. She might not be aware that she is doing it. I would have a talk with her about it, and about how dd is noticing this, and that this is not acceptable. Both children have to be treated the same. She seems very sneaky about it, as its done out of earshot, but obviously dd is able to tell you.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/05/2015 08:39

Yes the approach that your dc have noticed this and have brought it to you, so therefore you are very concerned and want to maintain a good relationship with both dc with their grandparents.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/05/2015 08:40

You have lost a dh and your children have lost a dad remember, they also matter.

Fromparistoberlin73 · 31/05/2015 08:45

how very sad for you all. On the one hand as a lone parent I am sure you want to encourage a wider family bond, and yet anything that disadvantages a child is not acceptable.

I also agree to practice, script and rehearse saying something. I think as the bigger person you need to give her a chance.

this will take courage on your part I am sure. but worth trying before you make any final decisions.

TheVeryHungryPreggo · 31/05/2015 08:49

Yes, I'd call her and tell her that your DH had two children and loved them both equally and it would break his heart to see the way she treats his daughter as a second-class citizen in favour of his son. That people and parents often have favourites, and you know you can't make her love them equally, but she can at least treat them equally. And if she can't honour his memory by treating both of his children well, she's not a positive influence in their lives and you may well have to reconsider how much input she should have into their lives. And I'd limit the contact she has with them or at the least make sure you are there to keep a beady eye on her during visits.

tobysmum77 · 31/05/2015 08:52

I wouldn't issue ultimatums in the first place. It isn't acceptable and it needs to stop. But I would start with the tack that she is so wrapped up in her own grief that she isn't seeing things from other people's perspectives. She needs to start, if things dont improve its then time to be firmer imo.

WLmum · 31/05/2015 08:55

What a horrible painful situation for you all. I like tobysmums suggestion. It certainly needs addressing but her pain needs acknowledging too. Poor dd. so nice that dc are close and supportive of each other.

Scholes34 · 31/05/2015 08:55

If you DS has noticed this, he's the one to be able to help deal with this, perhaps in a subtle way to start with. If your MIL adores your DS and she sees that he adores his sister . . . Don't let her behaviour start to drive a wedge between them.

SanityClause · 31/05/2015 08:56

If your DH would not have been happy about this favouritism, then that could be the main thrust of your argument.

A lovely neighbour of mine recently apologised to me for rushing off, rather than chatting, when I had met her by chance. (She had no need to. She had said hello; she just needed to hurry to catch a bus.)

Her apology included that her late DH had always been so sociable and lovely to people, and she felt she was letting him down by not being more chatty with me. (Bless her heart!)

Maybe your MIL will see this in a similar way?

If not, then really, you need to see her less. Once you have had The Talk, she will know why it is that she sees less of her DGC.

SoldierBear · 31/05/2015 08:59

Grief is neither a reason or an excuse for MIL to be deliberately cruel to your DD. Which is what she is doing.

As said above, you are also grieving, your children are also grieving. MIL is putting an additional burden onto your family.

And that is leaving aside the fact that any adult treating any child like that is totally shitty, far less a grandparent. MIL is going to destroy your DDs self confidence and self esteem. She is quite simply play favourites.

CAn you restrict visits to your home for the immediate future? On your own territory you may feel more in control of the situation and be able to deal with it effectively. Your children need to hear that they are equally loved, and that your DD is not a second class citizen.

Mellifera · 31/05/2015 09:01

I think you should tell her that her DS would never have wanted that she makes his children unhappy and that he would have stepped in.

I have a ds and dd very close in age and they are very close, they would notice and talk about it. You should talk to them, tell them how unfair it is and that you will speak to their GM.

Your MIL knows what she is doing. Otherwise she would not be sneaky about it. Don't let it ruin your dc's relationship in the long run. Even if they share sweets now it has a huge potential to cause a rift.

Be open about it and whenever it happens, pull her up on it. Every single time. Ask your DD and DS to tell you immediately when she does it and deal with it immediately. You don't have to come down like a ton of bricks on her, but you have to make her realise she has to stop.

grannytomine · 31/05/2015 09:03

My MIL favoured my DD as she had always wanted a girl and only had DH. I have 3 boys. I was lucky as had DH to back me up, what we did in the end was to be very matter of fact about it and say it was upsetting the children so if she couldn't be fairer with them then she couldn't see them. Assured her we didn't want to punish her but had to put them first. She got upset, cried, said she couldn't help it but we were just firm and said we understood but couldn''t let it upset the children. After ten minutes wailing she agreed to our terms and to be fair it stopped right there as soon as she realised we meant it. Good luck, it is horrible.

tobysmum77 · 31/05/2015 09:05

No it isn't an excuse but it is a reason. It isn't about dd really, it sounds to me like she has latched into ds being a replacement for his dad as a coping mechanism. It isn't healthy for her or him and she knows that deep down. But she is probably scared to stop using it as she has to accept her ds is gone Sad .

RandomMess · 31/05/2015 09:06

I would discuss it with your dc, be open about why you think it is happening and what suggestions they have for dealing with it.

If the dc are open to it I would suggest that they tease MIL about it "oh Granny don't be silly" type of thing. If they're not up for that/able to do it or perhaps as well as you could phone MIL and tell her how it is making both dc feel.

I wonder if your ds hates it anyway, he's being used as a substitute son. I think kind but firm is the way forward?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/05/2015 09:07

You need to continue to protect both your children from her favouritism, this cannot be allowed to continue.

If MIL is as manipulative as you state she is then having a talk with her will make no difference. She likely thinks she is doing nothing wrong here anyway.

If she cannot behave decently then she gets to see none of you. There should be no more visits by you people to her home every 8 weeks.

MagentaVitus · 31/05/2015 09:08

An incident at Xmas when she told my dd to wait to get her food until after ds has taken what he wanted!

I've seen on MN before now that some people genuinely believe there is a gender hierarchy when it comes to things like this. Serve men first, as they are more important effectively.

You are right to challenge every time. Whether it is favouritism or sexism, challenge away.

PtolemysNeedle · 31/05/2015 09:08

Oh Mermaid, I'm really sorry to see that your Mil is causing you difficulty over something else. The position you're in must be so difficult.

It might be time to think about the amount of time you spend with your mil. While it is important that you maintain the link with that side of your family, you have to find the balance between it being something positive for you and your dc, and it being something that causes even more heartache. I can imagine it being a very fine line between the two. It's hurtful for you and your dd to see the difference in the way she treats your children, but it's not heathy for your ds either, or for his relationship with his sister.

What's she like when you try to talk to her about how her actions make you and the dc feel? Ideally you'd be able to talk to her about it and she'd be understanding, and it could be that she is so consumed with her own grief that she genuinely can't see what she's doing.