Wwyd, Mil favouring one child?

[Mermaidhair]

Have just come back from visiting mil with ds and dd. My mil favours my ds13 over dd12. It has been going on for the last 4 years, subtly at first but now it is beyond obvious. My dh cannot intervene as he is in heaven. I think it is because my ds reminds her of my dh. I have diagnosed mil with narcissism. and she is very manipulative. I need suggestions on how to bring this up with her. Examples of things she does are, will spend 5-8 times the amount on birthday gifts for ds. Calls ds "my love" dd is called by her name. Dd will get in trouble for things that ds won't. Asks ds to come and visit but not dd. She will do this sneakily where I will hear. I never hear her doing most things as she must wait until I cannot hear. There was an incident at Xmas when she told my dd to wait to get her food until after ds has taken what he wanted! I pulled her up on it immediately, we were at my bil house so I didn't want to cause a scene by walking out but it is what I wanted to do. Consequently I will never go there again. My dh was to sick when it started happening to know what was going on, if he was still alive and was never sick there is absolutely no way he would have put up with it. I know my dd is looking to me to protect her, it makes her sad and I cannot leave it any longer. How should I deal with this?

That is why op has to have a 'chat' to mil about it, tell her your dcs have noticed that the way in which you treat them is different and unfair, list examples. Explain to her that you understand she is grieving for her son, but dh woukd be heartbroken that you are treating dd not as well as ds, he loved both children very much, this has to stop. If after that, it is still happening, I would have another talk and tell her that you will be limiting contact and sending back presents where it is obvious that ds has been favoured. Keep saying that dh woukd not have been happy with his chikdren being treated that way.

Rereading your posts, it is shoddy tge way she is treating your dd, dd has noticed this and is understandably upset.,the grandparents have to be a positive influence in a childs life, she is not! They have lost a father please remember, and op, a dh.

While DS might remind MIL of her late son, this is not a reason for her behaviour to DD. It might explain why she feels drawn to him but it can never be a reason to be cruel to her DGD.

MIL can be reminded of her late son without be discriminatory towards her DGD.

There is a pattern of frankly nasty behaviour towards her DGD. It sounds like MIL may have been like this even if her son was still alive. Her behaviour is causing upset and distress - something OP and her family do not need.

Have you read Toxic Inlaws? I'm too lazy to go look but I think there's a section on this as a known game, and ways to handle it.

Grief or inherent sexism, it's still not ok. Don't under estimate the negative affect on the favoured child either, this game playing affects both of them. I would call MIL on it every time, openly in front of shivers there, no drama, just 'please treat the children equally'. Broken record. With a regretful, 'then we need go please kids' if she pushes the boundary or argues. and don't let her take one child away to talk. Thats a fairly classic bit of game playing. You can plan with the children what to say if granny tries to take them off somewhere quiet to talk to them out of anyone else's earshot, they're old enough to be able to tell her they're not comfortable and go back to you.

Shivers?... Whoever. Bloody autocorrect.

I agree totally solid and rumble, it is toxic behaviour, grief is no excuse to treat a child in that manner. I would pull her up every time in it, your dd has to see you protecting her, or it could be negative on you. You have to withdraw completely if this keeps happening and you have had the chat.

I totally agree with pp that this isn't acceptable, grief or no grief.

You DCs are still children and they've lost their father - how is it fair to punish them because of the grief of a grown adult?

Similarly after my mum died one of our very close family friends who we lived with when my DP split refused to see me because I look like her and even though I was 24 it felt to me like she deemed her grief to be somehow more than mine, and she didn't support me in the way I needed her to, although she saw my SD often without issue. Ten years down the line and her DH died, but I was told not to come to the funeral because it would upset her too much. Of course I didn't go, but her DH was also family to me. She's never met my DP or my DS either.

It doesn't mean she shouldn't be forgiven because of course her grief is as valid as yours and your DCs, but EQUALLY - hers isn't more important and she has a responsibility to support you and your DCs as you move forward as a family.

I think I would write to her and be very constructive, seeking resolution and discussion, rather then accusing.

You could state that you understand that DS reminds her of her son but you have serious concerns for your DD's feelings.

I think you would be best off phoning her, have in mind what you want to say. Therefore you can answer any questions or defend dd straight up.

I've just realised that you are the poster whose MIL likes to kiss and cry all over your photos of DH when she visits and waits for you and your children (who are themselves still grieving their daddy) to comfort her but she doesn't do that in her own home. I know she's grieving the loss of a child, but this woman has a lot of problems and it seems like the favouritism towards your son started well before your DH's passing.

It doesn't seem fair to subject your children to her if she can't behave appropriately around them. I'd start putting boundaries in place now. Your children are more vulnerable than she is and they have to take first place in your priorities. I agree with everyone else, work out what behaviour you will accept from her when it comes to them, communicate it to her and enforce it - if that means leaving your BIL's because she can't be polite to your daughter, then that is what it takes. Come up with a line and use it again and again, such as "I'm sorry, I can't have you treating DD this way, you know DH wouldn't stand for it and neither will I. I think it's best if we left/you left and we ended this visit here. We can do this again another time." And then get your coats and bags and go, or go to the coat closet and say "Now, which one is yours?"

This is the same MIL? Oh flip.

Yes, she is a narcissist. And an unpleasant person who can only view the world through her own eyes, with no empathy or consideration of how her actions impact upon other people.

Exactly, yes I remember the other thread. her behaviour is nasty, spiteful and cruel, grief is no excuse for treating a child this way, your dh would be horrified that his mother is treating his daughter in such a way. This started before dh died. You are good to maintain contact with a woman like this, many in your position would not, she should be grateful! You really need to lay down the law as it is to her, and shos your children, you are nit standing for much rubbish. If it continues, even one, go totally NC. Feel confident in that, as it sounds as though your dh would totally support this.

I would write her a letter and tell her your concerns and that it has to stop , less likely to get too emotive if you have written it down and she won't be able to argue about it . If it continues after that then NC and let the dc decide when they are 16/18+ if they want to get back in touch .

I would speak to mil and say if you can't treat them equally then we won't be spending any more time with you. She sounds awful

I agree with orange. Validate that you have all been through an awful time and that you understand DS reminds her of DH-but point out that the way in which she treats the two children is so obviously different that your DD (who has recently lost her Dad) is becoming upset. Say that it needs to change or you will have no option to reduce contact, which you don't want to have to do.
Agree letter or e-mail rather than phone call.

Thank you so much everyone for your input and ideas. It really is appreciated. Yes this is the same mil kissing the photos. Consequently I try to see her on neutral territory and that is where she can get away with things without my hearing. Yesterday it was done on the walk back to the car. I am going to definitely speak with her about it. I am going to do a mixture of everyone's suggestions. Bringing up that it would make dh sad and she knows he would not have put up with it. Let her know I realise she is grieving and gets comfort from my ds but it isn't right or healthy to put that on him and isn't fair to my dd. Also both dc have noticed and it is breaking dd heart. And finally that they are the dc, and their needs have to come above and beyond her own. I'm not going to let this go on for another time. We are meeting up in two weeks time (just her and I) and I will speak to her about it then. I think I would prefer to do it face to face, it's the harder way but I am trying to step out of my comfort zone in life. I am prepared for her manipulation but I will make sure she knows that this is it! No more:-) thank you again everyone

Good luck!

Good for you and the very best of luck

That's a good plan. Prepare for tears and wailing. Good luck

Hope it goes well.

Good on you op, it needs to be done. You need to protect your children from this, prevent resentment amongst them. It's not acceptable. I hope when you see it happen, you nip it in the bud.