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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if parents keep an eye on their kids Instagram use?

75 replies

Bambambini · 31/05/2015 00:30

My 12 yr old son uses Instagram. I don't particularly like it and worry about kids abusing this kind of social media etc but don't want to heavy handedly ban it. We do keep an eye on his account and posts though. I am surprised at the amount of young girls who post pouty, selfies and pics of themselves. Often with tight clothing or somewhat sexy and revealing. Often wanting others to rate their hotness.

If I had a daughter (these girls are 12/13) I'd be quite concerned. I guess I'm just wondering if parents are actually monitoring or aware of this. Is it just me that finds it all a bit worrying (I do already worry but so far the boys seem to post a lot less and it's more silly stuff like football and cartoons or such).

OP posts:

dembloodybells · 31/05/2015 09:14

Can people Share pictures like on facebook? So if my dd put a photo up but had private settings, could one of her friends copy it to their own public page?

stardusty5 · 31/05/2015 09:16

I know from my job that Instagram is a well used app for bullying, arguments and sexting. Sadly, some parents do not monitor social media use and can find out too late that inappropriate content has been shared

Fairylea · 31/05/2015 09:19

Dembloody yes - anyone can screen shot something and "regram" publically if they can see the photo themselves. In fact anything anywhere can be screen shot and shared but it is easier on instagram.

dembloodybells · 31/05/2015 09:40

oh, thats not the answer i was hoping for, Fairylea

cashewnutty · 31/05/2015 10:00

I work as a SW in child protection and on line issues are very common. Not just peer stuff but predatory males looking to target youngsters. I urge you all to look at the CEOP site here.

You have no idea what your kids are doing and how risky the on line world is. Even with monitoring and privacy settings your children are wide open to people finding out stuff about them. If they don't want you to know what they are doing they will set up new accounts you don't know about. Fads change. Instagram is huge wth youngsters right now. You think it's just pouty pics but even these come with problems. If they have location settings on those photos pin point your home address. Get armed with as much info as you can. Your child is much more tech savvy than you are!

cardibach · 31/05/2015 10:06

I'm with Pagwatch - most of the issues here aren't really about social media per se, especially the pot on the bus issue!
I think it's important to monitor what's happening, but banning isn't going to work as they have access all over the place - friends houses, school, Internet cafes, the library...if they want to be on it they will. It's another one of those where most of the protection you gave is the hope tat your early discipline (as in when they were toddlers and up) and your positive relationships with your teens result in openness and honesty. It is a bit scary as they get more independent!
DD is 19 and still hasn't navigated it all, just now it's passive aggressive tweets from University 'friends'. She tells me, though, and seems to have the resilience to move past it with actual friends.

FickleByNurture · 31/05/2015 10:16

My secondary school aged sister has instagram and our mother thinks she doesn't. I have agreed not to dob her in on condition she let me follow her. She's not a very posey kid though, not bothered much by makeup or pretty clothes. Complete opposite of me when I was her age!

cashewnutty · 31/05/2015 10:16

Banning use of social media is a sure fire way of driving your child to using it without your knowledge. Better to be clued up and aware if what is going on. Keep the lines of communication open. Ask what they are looking at etc. this stuff is only going to get more sophisticated. Young people often don't understand the implications of living their entire lives online.

momtothree · 31/05/2015 10:18

I saw a boy profile that was nasty to women a real sexist pig.... he was 10 and didnt understand how offensive it was to anyone just following the boys, it was printed off and delivered to his parents. I have snap shot nasty hot/not pics and these girls seem to forget they are commenting on real people. Some parents have no idea, some kids have 100`s of followers to be popular. Its very sad and Im glad i monitor it closely.

SomewhereIBelong · 31/05/2015 10:30

there are hundreds, literally hundreds of different social media sites out there, at some point you have to trust them and leave them to it. Openness, honesty and a chat about safety and what is unacceptable are about all that can be done.

Have seen what the kids friends post - the ones who "don't have" social media - but borrow smart phones at school... just because you don't allow it does not mean it is not happening.

FickleByNurture · 31/05/2015 10:32

I would also point out that DSis doesn't realise I've also found and keep tabs on her tumblr.

Original poster

Bambambini · 31/05/2015 10:49

The location on thing, i'll have a look at and the site mentioned thanks.

My 9/10 yr olds friends are on now. All lovely kids but following their older teen siblings so accessing all this stuff and already it all being normalised to them. Most stuff so far is quite polite and the kids are mostly kind and supportive from what i see.

Many of these 12/13 year olds have around a 1000 followers. One girl asked a dodgy page 3 type site to shout out her name to get more followers. This is a site where girls pose half naked etc.

I'm surprised some don't see any cause for concern at all, scares me - i need to get more clued up.

OP posts:

TwigletPiglets · 31/05/2015 10:54

DC are now in their twenties but when they were this age (12 ish) it was all MSN messenger, Bebo and Myspace. It was very similar - you banned it, they could still get on it and the peer-pressure to be on it was HUGE.
The 'sexy' pictures have been around for years - I remember 10 years ago seeing pictures of some of DDs friends in their underwear on Bebo (aged 12). Parents back then were clueless any of it was going on - at least today parents are relatively tuned in.
Then there was the backlash when a parent got involved and printed it all out and took it into school. Also when a local school girl got stalked by someone who had been a 'friend' on her bebo. I remember DDs school systematically trailing through Bebo and calling pupils to the head's office bringing them up on things they had written about teachers, inappropriate photos or cyber bullying.
I don't think so many Bebo accounts had ever been deleted so quickly before that day!! The DC certainly knew what was OK and not OK. They knew they would be mortified if their (then un-educated about the internet) parents saw what was actually out in the public.
Yet they then realised what was on the internet could never truly be deleted as all the photos were ingrained into google images and messages had been printed. It was a very important lesson and has stuck with DD to this day!

The difference now is it is so accessible (DC used to have to go on the family computer in the kitchen) and the pressure is even greater to be on it.

I've learnt it is the focus on privacy settings being compulsary, it being the norm that you are looking and clear rules but ultimately they will sadly learn through mistakes. I hope DC learn through mistakes of embarrassing arguments early on than through giant mistakes of 'sexy' photos getting in the wrong hands and seeing comments from unknown boys as flattering or popularity rather than danger.

Schools need to do a LOT of educating on this!!

balletgirlmum · 31/05/2015 10:57

I have dds instagram & password installed on my phone. I log in regularly. She goes to avery small well known in certain circles school & some of her friends are well known in certain circles.

I have Sen things I don't like from older kids at her school & I have unfollowed them. I also noticed she was debating on an atheist website with adults & a "15 year old " took a shine to her. Probably innocent but in this case I actuslly joined the group as myself and made it clear she was being monitored.

I don't allow snapchat. norton family is installed in her phone etc so I get alerts if she tries to go against " house rules"

I made her delete a blog I found for example.

SomewhereIBelong · 31/05/2015 11:39

my eldest DD is 14 and has a smartphone with all the inherent dangers of social media being available outside of our control.

We have laid down "the rules" - have been monitoring her for her first year, have pointed out what was unacceptable, what was rude, what was generally just toned wrongly.

Now however, we do feel she has a right to some privacy - she has earned it.

lechie · 31/05/2015 11:50

Pagwatch, I agree if they're posting sexualised photos or pics of themselves smoking pot - then you've got a lot more to worry about than Instagram!

My DD and her friends like to take photos of their rubber collections and post those. Looking at DDs page, it's otherwise full of pictures of places they've gone on holiday, good luck messages (some of her friends have a comp today), teen quotes and whilst there are selfies, none of them are sexualised and in fact several of them include their mums and dads.

I do agree that talking about sensible use helps... My DD wanted to put up a pic of her new school uniform. She did, but cut off her head, so you can only see her uniform and cannot identify the picture as her. She has a private account and only has her genuine friends on Instagram (so they already know what school she is going to) but if they shared the pic (they haven't) you couldn't identify it was her.

I teach older teens, and I agree with the poster that you can't monitor everything - the stories I hear from what they do behind their parents backs are sometimes quite devious... But I hope by teaching DD to use it safely, it will work, and she'll use it responsibly. So far, this approach has worked. DD has often showed me things and asked for advice on how to handle it. But I'm sure that'll change when she hits the stroppy teenage years .

lechie · 31/05/2015 11:54

SomewhereIbelong - we've done the same with our DD, monitored it heavily to start off with, and now she's proven herself, have backed off a bit. Its worked so far, but I had worried that might change when she gets teenage hormones - so I'm encouraged to hear that it has worked with your 14 year old too .

canny1234 · 31/05/2015 11:55

My year 6's are on it .Dd2 uses it as a messaging service and chats with her friends regularly.Ds1 hardly uses it all all as he uses his iPod messaging service mostly.

We have had issues - we discovered that dd had added some adult male followers in a race to get more followers - had to remove all those.Dd2 checks dd1's postings and messages regularly.Lots of messages to class ' boyfriends' and 'I love you's' ( she's 10).We've decided to keep an eye on it and not inform her we know her password.
Recent distant family member posted porn and I was told by D's that he was posting rude pictures online.That was a fun conversation with his mum!He has now unfollowed them .

 I have spoken to the school and informed them that most of year 6 are on Instagram and need to be taught how to use it safely.Computer teacher didn't know anything about Instagram and promised to look in to it.I really do feel that there should be a Mumsnet campaign on this whole issue as schools /parents are really not up to speed.

TheFirstOfHerName · 31/05/2015 13:21

most of year 6 are on Instagram

That is also my experience, from seeing their instagram feeds on my phone. More than 50% of DD's class and more than 75% of DS's class. I expect this to increase when they start secondary school in September.

QOD · 31/05/2015 13:57

How.do you dm on instagram?
I have it and I can't work it out

TheFirstOfHerName · 31/05/2015 14:04

You can only direct message from the app (phone, iPad etc) not the website. Depending on what you are using, there is usually an icon, often at the top right. On the iPad app it looks like an intray. On the 6Tag app it looks like an envelope and is found via the likes and notifications.

TheFirstOfHerName · 31/05/2015 14:06

Hopefully this will work from my phone...

To wonder if parents keep an eye on their kids Instagram use?

QOD · 31/05/2015 14:07

Aha! Off to test!

QOD · 31/05/2015 14:10

Yippee! Thanks

TheFirstOfHerName · 31/05/2015 14:11

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