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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if parents keep an eye on their kids Instagram use?

75 replies

Bambambini · 31/05/2015 00:30

My 12 yr old son uses Instagram. I don't particularly like it and worry about kids abusing this kind of social media etc but don't want to heavy handedly ban it. We do keep an eye on his account and posts though. I am surprised at the amount of young girls who post pouty, selfies and pics of themselves. Often with tight clothing or somewhat sexy and revealing. Often wanting others to rate their hotness.

If I had a daughter (these girls are 12/13) I'd be quite concerned. I guess I'm just wondering if parents are actually monitoring or aware of this. Is it just me that finds it all a bit worrying (I do already worry but so far the boys seem to post a lot less and it's more silly stuff like football and cartoons or such).

OP posts:

TheFirstOfHerName · 31/05/2015 08:17

The most worrying thing I have seen was an argument between some children in DD's class in a direct message. Some of the language from two of them was Thankfully DD didn't see it.

Katniramal · 31/05/2015 08:17

My 12 year old DD had it. I did all the usual things...I was her friend, only people she knew could go on her followers list, no swearing or provocative pics, etc. I thought we'd got it sussed.

Nope! I found out she'd set up an alternative account behind my back doing whatever the hell she wanted. She had over 400 followers before I found it!! She'd also been going on Omeegle

She doesn't have Instagram anymore, or a phone with internet access, or access to a computer out of my sight. That's the way I'm keeping it for now.

TheFirstOfHerName · 31/05/2015 08:19

which seem to be how his friends communicate in that one person will ask who's going to the park and others will join in

This is the main reason I let my younger two (Y6) join. All social meet-ups are arranged by direct message. Their friends go to the local park sometimes after school.

IvyBean · 31/05/2015 08:20

Dd was bullied by text just to add.I was shocked at the viciousness and piling in that would never happen in real life.The anonymity clearly has an impact.

Thankfully dd knows the drill.Handed the IPod over and didn't engage back.I'm currently monitoring it and biding my time before I print the exchange off for school if needs be.Bully ring leader posted an apology over the weekend.Dd's silence and refusing to engage helped defuse it.Kids need support to do that.

Thankfully due to our internet safety drilling dd understands all the above and it hasn't bothered her.

Do check everything.The texts I read would have really upset a weaker child.

Pagwatch · 31/05/2015 08:20

Ivy, I would be concerned if loads of DDs friends, at age 12, as Fairylea said, were posting sexualised photos with older men telling them they look 'hot'.

Dd is perfectly ordinary. Her friends are not doing that. If lots of them were I would be worrying about things like the parental control of her friends. As well as the 'look at me I'm hot' thing. Most of them want to look nice but it's not a preoccupation. Variations of 'OMG you are so pretty' ad nauseum seems to be their thing.

I know it will start but it hasn't yet and pouty, provocative would bother me if it was lots of them.
Most of DDs picture are her and her dog or her and swimming medals.

IvyBean · 31/05/2015 08:23

YY to Thefirst re arguing.

Parents don't seem to realise it's there for all to see.You can print it off,screen save,invite others to the text conversation.And it's not like a general conversation that can float away,it's there in black and white forever on phones/iPods all over for all parents/ teachers to see.

karbonfootprint · 31/05/2015 08:24

How do you monitor instagram and snapchat?

Pagwatch · 31/05/2015 08:26

Yes. Absolutely re screen shots etc.

Pagwatch · 31/05/2015 08:29

DDs not allowed snap chat.
Instagram, I follow her and/or take her phone and look at it. Often when she's using it.

She was also lucky (although it didn't feel like it) to be involved in an email based ruckus. She witness the fall out from emails being printed out and private arguments being put in front of school and parents. It was a few years ago but she is really careful now.

IvyBean · 31/05/2015 08:34

Yes parents will go into school with gadgets to show teachers.

Parents and children need to know that.

They think they're anonymous but they aren't really.Some seriously set themselves up.

dembloodybells · 31/05/2015 08:35

Please can someone talk me through instagram.

Specifically, how do you arrange it so DCs messages come up on your phone? how can you have been looking at your DCs friends accounts? and how strangers can look at your DCs accounts (or more accurately, how can you stop strangers seeing your DCs photos)?

I think these are the things that are worrying me, 1) that I want to see what she is doing and 2) that strangers cant see her photos.

We dont have iphones or ipads etc, just android and winds phones.
thanks

Pagwatch · 31/05/2015 08:40

Yes Ivy,
I think most children/young adults will end up having some fall out which will make them realise that the Internet is like standing up and shouting stuff to a room full of people.

It's luck really when it happens and how bad it is.

IvyBean · 31/05/2015 08:44

I'm seriously no expert,not even on Instagram.Hopefully somebody on it will come along however this is what I do.

Basically I think they have followers on their account they invite?D bil is on Dd's.He asked her I think after a gentle nudge from us I think.Then when they post anything it pops up onto each other's account.Dbil periodically tells me via dsis what she has posted( pics of animals mostly). I also grab said devise whilst in use periodically. All Dd's friends pics are on her account and the pics I find more worrying.

The messaging thing is equalling troubling. You need the password to get in hence my grabbing whilst in action periodically so I can check said password and all messages. The messaging is where the bullying and foul language can happen.

It is a huge invasion of privacy but until dd is 16 if she wants gadgets the way it's going to be.

TheFirstOfHerName · 31/05/2015 08:46

how do you arrange it so DCs messages come up on your phone?
One of the conditions of them having an instagram account is that I have their current password. I use 6Tag to easily log in and switch between their accounts. I do not access the 15 year old's account but I do follow him.

how can you have been looking at your DCs friends accounts?
If my child follows them, then everything they post is visible in my child's instagram feed.

and how strangers can look at your DCs accounts
They can't. They are all set to private.

Fairylea · 31/05/2015 08:49

Dh and I use instagram. If your profile is public you don't have to invite anyone to follow you - anyone can. And if your profile is public anyone can post comments on any of your photos. Many of dds friends have their profiles public and lots of the "hot" or similar comments are from 20 something men. It really is very disturbing.

Dd is absolutely fed up with it all. She went to a party recently and said the whole lot of them (about 20 year 7 12 year olds) sat on their phones and I pads the whole time posing for selfies and checking their instagram for comments). She isn't on there and couldn't join in but was just bored by the whole thing.

Pooka · 31/05/2015 08:52

Dd has instagram. She's 12. I do monitor it. She doesn't post anything pouty or identifying (like wearing school uniform for example), no full name and so on. Others do. She also knows not to accept any requests from people she doesn't know or can't verify (so she has some friends' friends, but no random strangers). Was a bit of a fad, and She doesn't use it so much now.

I was torn about letting her. But decided monitored use ok, with lecture beforehand about safety on Internet (though her primary school had big external talk from Internet safety folk in the last week of the year). I do think that if there is a bullying situation going on, it could fuel that very easily, and I think I had it much easier when I was younger in terms of arguments or fallings out not carrying on into the evening and outside of school. But thankfully, she hasn't had any bust ups to be carried on and it's all quite moderate.

DixieNormas · 31/05/2015 08:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pooka · 31/05/2015 08:52

I have her password and her profile is private.

AllKnickersNoFurCoat · 31/05/2015 08:55

I know, I feel exactly the same. As far as I knew my dd only knew three or four people going to her new school but she informed me she has 'met' some of them on instagram. This makes her happy btw as they will be looking out for each otehr on day one. We're in Ireland so she's 12 and a half not 11. But I was taken aback. Two blows at once. "you're on instagram?" "you're chatting to strangers?".

MumSnotBU · 31/05/2015 08:59

Dds friends age 10 are on it- I really can't see the point.

AllKnickersNoFurCoat · 31/05/2015 09:00

"You have a son, you let him use it with reservation and you're more worried about the girls of the same age?"

I respect this view from the oP. Easier not to give a monkey's if somebody else's child is damaging her self-esteem having her hotness rated at zero. Boys aren't going to have their self-esteem damaged in the same way. There isn't the same pressure on them to offer themselves up to be rated. I know there is other stuff that can go that can upset them though. I have a son and I have spoken to him about htis sort of thing, in an age appropriate way. Preparation for more specific talks later.

WilburIsSomePig · 31/05/2015 09:05

YANBU all all. Yes it concerns me, yes I monitor it and yes I'm concerned about the overtly sexual content of some of the children on there. Everyone should be. A friend of mine very confidently told me that her daughter did not have an account as she had just been told no when she asked for one. I showed her that she did and she was horrified at the crop top pouting selfies on there. (I had no qualms about showing her, she's my friend). Most of the lads seem to post about meeting up and football; for the girls it seems to be all about Hollyoaks and selfies. Scares the shit out of me.

dembloodybells · 31/05/2015 09:05

Thanks, TheFirstOfHerName

Fairylea · 31/05/2015 09:09

I don't think enough parents understand how instagram works to be honest. If a profile is public and a selfie is taken and posted with hashtags such as #selfie #teen #cute whatever else (which are the tags some of dds friends are using) then they will come up in any searches of those hashtags on instagram and in the main picture feed of anyone who normally looks up those hashtags. Anyone can then "like" those photos or post comments on them.

I don't think people understand that with a public profile it is literally like posting a photo on to a Google image search page but worse because anyone can interact with the poster directly.

I'm not a big fan of social media for teens at all to be honest but I understand there is a fine line between safety and not making them feel socially excluded if everyone else is on it. I think I will let dd on Facebook with a private profile when she is 14 ish but even then I will be watching her closely.

At the moment she has a tablet with strict controls and I know her passwords and check very regularly.

Narnia72 · 31/05/2015 09:11

A friend of mine did not monitor her child's Instagram usage, her sister alerted her to the fact that there were multiple pictures of him smoking cannabis on there. He's 11 ffs.

There are problems within the family - estranged abusive dad, but she is from a nice area, he goes to school in a nice area. Turns out there were kids on the buses he was getting to school getting on and flogging drugs to the kids. If you refused you were ridiculed. Really scared me. Mine aren't old enough to be requesting these things, but there will be monitoring and rules when they are. I don't like a lot of things about the digital age, the thought of cyber bulling and online peer pressure with no means of escape really worries me.

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