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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I an ungrateful bitch...

38 replies

Bingoismynamo · 29/05/2015 16:36

So I'm pretty sure I am being out of order and ungrateful here. Just need to vent!!!!

My mum has come to stay at mine for a week. I'm a 24 year old woman, independent yadda yadda and this is the first time she has come to stay at my place. I live in a touristy place so the idea is that we can explore together and she can have a break etc.

Anyway. Today I had longstanding plans so we agreed that she would explore the city on her own which she was very happy about. She has been great while she's been here and cleaned the house etc (it was clean but still v kind of her, and a major help obviously).

I've just come back and it turns out that she has done me a huge favour and taken all my clothes out my wardrobe, washed them, put them away etc etc. I realise this is very kindly meant but I just wish she wouldn't!!!!! We're very close but I'm not that comfortable with her going through my drawers and cupboards when I'm away! I know she's my mum but I just feel I need some privacy and this has been a long running issue since when I lived at home!

I probably sound like an ungrateful bitch but I told her that I wished she had spent the day out sightseeing as planned rather than "helping" me - not only do I feel bad that she's doing this on her holiday but I just wish my private space could - well - be my private space! Feel like a fifteen year old again. I'm a terrible daughter aren't I

OP posts:
Original poster
Bingoismynamo · 29/05/2015 16:37

Reading that back I'm sure I am in the wrong. I know it was a lovely thing for her to do but I do just wish she would ask me before doing these grand gestures!!!

OP posts:
mileend2bermondsey · 29/05/2015 16:38

She washed clothes from your wardrobe? Wouldn't they already be clean?Confused

GooodMythicalMorning · 29/05/2015 16:38

I know how you feel. Privacy is good. I think I'd be a little annoyed at this too. (Anf worried about what she might find)

Original poster
Bingoismynamo · 29/05/2015 16:39

Yes! They were! But typically they were in a pile, crumpled etc and she was trying to be a lovely mum about it :) I just wish she had saved herself the trouble!

OP posts:
Jackie0 · 29/05/2015 16:39

No you're not a terrible daughter or an ungrateful bitch , not at all.
Your dm is overstepping the line and invading your privacy.
Who the heck would do that to someone's wardrobe?
I don't know how you should go about fixing it though , especially if this behaviour has been her normal for years.

MagicMojito · 29/05/2015 16:41

Yes, in a little confused too Hmm
I mean, why would she do that?!Confused

raffle · 29/05/2015 16:41

Why did she wash your clothes that are already clean?
That's not helpful in the slightest Confused

Gumnast2014 · 29/05/2015 16:41

I think this is also over stepping the boundaries and would annoy me.

But then so is cleaning the house

AnyRailway · 29/05/2015 16:42

She took clean clothes out of the wardrobe, washed them and put them back?

That's seriously weird!

Has she always been this odd? I really can understand that you feel your boundaries have been overstepped.

No wonder you don't live with her any more!

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 29/05/2015 16:42

Yes and no. She shouldn't have gone through your stuff, but she meant to do soemthing nice and helpful for you.
It can be hard to remember sometimes that your children don't need you to do things like their washing, when you spent so many years being expected to do just that.
Simply say thank you for the thought but please don't do that again. And enjoy your visit. Smile

KurriKurri · 29/05/2015 16:42

I've got a 25 yr old daughter and I wouldn't do that without asking her unless she specifically asked me to. I'd consider it an invasion of her privacy,
its a bit of a difficult line - I would do washing dishes, ironing, hoovering and cooking (making stiff to put in her freezer baking a cake etc.) without asking, but I wouldn't go through her cupboard and her stuff.

But as you say it was obviously kindly meant, it does cross a boundary though IMO. Not sure what you can do about it though without upsetting her.

ConfusedInBath · 29/05/2015 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mileend2bermondsey · 29/05/2015 16:43

Hhmmm, in that case then I would say you are both BU. She shouldn't be rifling through your closets, but she's just trying to help you. You should be appreciative of the help, but understandably youre annoyed too. I would say just say cheers mum and leave it at that. No point making an issue out of it if shes only with you for a week.

Original poster
Bingoismynamo · 29/05/2015 16:43

I do think she was trying to be kind but I went a bit crazy :( I was a student before this so I think she does still regard me as an overgrown child in many respects! She just can't see it from my pov though and I have a hard time being logical and rational about it

OP posts:
WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 29/05/2015 16:44

You know though that loads of people are going to pile in here and call your ma lots of horrible things, like she's a crazy mad bitch with no boundaries and you should throw her out/never speak to her again/set her on fire? Wink

Apricota · 29/05/2015 16:44

No, would hate that also. Strange. And all the things that would be 'found'....

PeppermintCrayon · 29/05/2015 16:44

If the relationship is otherwise good I think you are overreacting and should let it go.

Is it though?

Original poster
Bingoismynamo · 29/05/2015 16:44

Yeah bath you are right.

I know I know I'm being ungrateful :( it's just I was out for the day anyway and I just wish she had asked me! It just feels like she went behind my back? Why wait for me to be out for the day!

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 29/05/2015 16:46

I've had to have this conversation with my mum. It kind of went
'I love you and I know you do it out of kindness. But it makes me feel awkward and a gift is only a gift if the other person wants it. When you keep doing it, it stops being nice. If you can't stop I'll just stop inviting you because it ruins your visit for me'

She thought my previous 'no no, please don't' meant I didn't want to put her to any trouble. I had to be clear that I simply didn't like it.

She then admitted that she feels she needs to be 'useful' and explained that, after decades of being a mum (as she saw it), if she wasn't helping out then she was just a burden.

Being able to talk about it meant we now have agreed boundaries so are both happy.

foxinsocks · 29/05/2015 16:46

she's only there for a week :)

next time, don't wash or iron anything for a month and leave it in a MASSIVE pile then let her get on with it

then have a big glass of wine

bet you'll miss her when she leaves!

Original poster
Bingoismynamo · 29/05/2015 16:46

Ha yeah winter it is good and I love her a lot. She does have a tendency to do helpful things without consulting me and I just can't seem to make her see how I feel! So it's a minor thing but she doesn't get it! But I do love her and we do have a good relationship, it's just a niggle

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 29/05/2015 16:46

You should be appreciative of the help

No she shouldn't! Don't be so ridiculous. you don't go round rifling through other people's wardrobes and washing their clothes for them - not once they are an adult.

OP - you need to stamp on this now and tell her straight.

KurriKurri · 29/05/2015 16:47

I would always ask - if I saw my DD's clothes in a crumpled heap I might say 'do you want me to sort your washing' I wouldn't just do it.(Actually I might not even ask because I know she would say no, she'd hate someone going through her stuff)

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 29/05/2015 16:50

I'm like Pag - I had to have the "I'm a grown up now" chat several times with my mum.

ElkTheory · 29/05/2015 16:52

It can be quite difficult for parents of adult children to know exactly where the line should be drawn. I think that in some ways my mother still sees me as a 17-year-old girl (the age I was when I went off to university). Grin

It sounds as though your mother's actions were kindly meant, if a bit bonkers. (Washing clean clothes?) She wanted to do something nice for you and probably didn't think twice about going through your clothes. I wouldn't make a huge issue of it.