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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I an ungrateful bitch...

38 replies

Bingoismynamo · 29/05/2015 16:36

So I'm pretty sure I am being out of order and ungrateful here. Just need to vent!!!!

My mum has come to stay at mine for a week. I'm a 24 year old woman, independent yadda yadda and this is the first time she has come to stay at my place. I live in a touristy place so the idea is that we can explore together and she can have a break etc.

Anyway. Today I had longstanding plans so we agreed that she would explore the city on her own which she was very happy about. She has been great while she's been here and cleaned the house etc (it was clean but still v kind of her, and a major help obviously).

I've just come back and it turns out that she has done me a huge favour and taken all my clothes out my wardrobe, washed them, put them away etc etc. I realise this is very kindly meant but I just wish she wouldn't!!!!! We're very close but I'm not that comfortable with her going through my drawers and cupboards when I'm away! I know she's my mum but I just feel I need some privacy and this has been a long running issue since when I lived at home!

I probably sound like an ungrateful bitch but I told her that I wished she had spent the day out sightseeing as planned rather than "helping" me - not only do I feel bad that she's doing this on her holiday but I just wish my private space could - well - be my private space! Feel like a fifteen year old again. I'm a terrible daughter aren't I

OP posts:

tootiredtoknow · 29/05/2015 16:53

If my clothes were crumpled in piles, I'd be grateful to my mum for washing and hanging them back up. I think you are being a little unreasonable but I don't see my clothes as private space so maybe I just don't see where you are coming from. On another note, she can come to mine if you need to send her away. There's at least three loads to do here.

Purplepixiedust · 29/05/2015 16:56

I remember my ex mil saying on the phone to my ex that she had done the washing and ironing for us while we were on holiday. My ex said something jokey about there being more in the airing cupboard if she got bored and she rewashed and ironed the lot! She had to fetch hangers from home there was so much and I was mortified (although it was a lovely thing to do)!

Anydrinkwilldo · 29/05/2015 16:56

Huge over step, if you had asked her to stick a wash on or something then I can understand but no, YANBU at all. Although it's hard for DM to see you as an adult now.

luckyjazz · 29/05/2015 16:57

YaNbu, I would hate this, it's an invasion of your privacy, I've read about it quite a lot on here, my MIL does it with my sil and it's not about helping at all it's so she can snoop, my DM wouldn't even think about doing this, she once sat in my house all day without a cuppa as she didn't want to go through my cupboards looking for the tbags, bit then she has never had any problems seeing me as an independent adult, This could be the issue, she still sees you as a child and is picking up after you, or she's nosy and was snooping

NoIsNotACompleteSentence · 29/05/2015 17:03

Her intentions were good, but it is still an invasion of privacy.

Could be worse. My mum once offered to iron DH's (who was just a boyfriend at the time) jeans before he went out, to which he was very grateful. Until she handed them back and she had ironed big creases down the front of his jeans, "I put a nice line in for you so they look like they've been ironed". DH didn't want to hurt her feelings so thanked her and actually wore them. (I remember it well as I remember at the time thinking he was a keeper as he was thoughtful)

They usually mean well...

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 29/05/2015 17:09

Hmm I don't think you're ungrateful. Last time my mil came around, she did some 'helpful' things, such as wash up (didn't ask, but was very appreciated). However, my partner told me he had to put his foot down as she was wanting to do similar, help do/sort our washing and such in our room. I think it's overstepping a boundary, there is something inherently private about a bedroom, even though someone is just being genuinely helpful, there's a point where parents have to respect there's a line.

wowfudge · 29/05/2015 17:09

Send round here OP - there's a stack of stuff I need help with . Seriously she's overstepping the mark.

bladibla · 29/05/2015 17:15

I invested in a locking cabinet where I can lock away anything 'private' when she comes. You'll just have to remind her nicely that she is going a bit too far. Still have to have the chat with mine and I am much older than you!

RB68 · 29/05/2015 17:22

Its Mums wanting to Mother - mine still itches when she comes round and I am 47 and the eldest of 6 of us!!! I get my pan cupboards and food cupboards cleaned out and she doesn't even do her own!! See it as her need to feel needed now you have grown up and set the boundaries and just say if you need to put a wash on there are a few things in the wash bin but everything else is clean so please don't wash it Mum.

Poor Mum will feel like she is being put on the naughty chair!
Poor you having personal stuff gone through

Its a fine line and I am sure we all go too far sometimes for the best of reasons

MrsTattoo · 29/05/2015 17:25

OP are you my sister? That sounds exactly like my mum, she will pop round for a coffee and still manage to find something to clean. I just ignore it now and let her clean my windows or wipe the worktops while she chats, clearly I am a crappy housewife who can't clean her own house

I would ignore it, say thanks and just enjoy your mums company, one day she wont be around and you will wish she was there to do something completely bizarre like washing your entire wardrobe

ScorpioMermaid · 29/05/2015 19:12

bit strange imo. my mum went to have a look in mine yesterday. (my DH made us a built in one using a random alcove in our room.) I said "ok, excuse our mess" then then thought shit, hope she doesn't see anything that might require brain bleaching afterwards

Totality22 · 29/05/2015 19:30

So she didn't go out exploring on her own then

Why not?

Maybe she got bored so decided to do something she thought would be helpful? (although there are a million other chores I'd find more helpful to be honest!) or maybe she just wanted a good nose.

Most importantly how did she manage to wash and dry a whole wardrobe of clothes in a day??

EverythingButTheKitchenSink · 29/05/2015 19:34

I'm 24 and my mum died when I was 19, I'm super judgemental of people who are ungrateful of their mums and take their help for granted but I really don't think you're being unreasonable. I'd be furious and weirded out. I guess it depends on whether you've let her do a lot of things for you in the past.

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