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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU with DH

52 replies

rebbles · 29/05/2015 09:01

Yesterday DH went out all day and said he would be home at 7pm.

I haven't been feeling well and am 16+5 weeks pregnant.

I stupidly text saying enjoy yourself and stay out a bit later if you want and he said he would be home at
11pminstead, which would have been fine.

So queue 11pm, I called him to see if he wants me to pick him up from the station and he didn't answer his phone.

So naturally I panic as keep calling him. Anyway it took 15 calls before he answered and he was pissed out of his head still in London.

He said well I have had a few more beers since then and ends up getting home at 1pm.

He didn't text me once during the day (from 11am) to see how I was feeling and didn't see why I was annoyed when he got home and hadn't told me he was going to be late.

And then fact he didn't even care enough to text me once during the day, and that he didn't answer his phone.

To be fair he rarely goes out with his friends but this really annoyed me- AIBU?

OP posts:
Shinyshoes2 · 29/05/2015 09:37

I'd go absolutely batshit crazy if my DP texted and phoned me 15 times if I were on a night out unless there was something wrong with the kids ... I've never texted or called him either whilst I've been on a night out unless it was to tell him to "don't wait up I'll be late " .. It'll be the last thing on my mind to text my DP
you're not his mother and don't set rules of what you think is a reasonable time to be in
YABVU
Cut the man some slack and let him enjoy himself

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 29/05/2015 09:41

Yabu.

I don't understand "naturally, I panic". No, thats not natural. He's a grown man who can presumably keep himself alive when not with you, panicing is not at all a reasonable response. Calling him 15 times is just weird.

You don't own him. You need to chill. And being pregnant makes no difference at all.

PtolemysNeedle · 29/05/2015 09:46

YANBU to be irritated that he didn't tell you he was coming home later, but YABU to think he should have text you throughout the day.

CandyLane · 29/05/2015 09:55

My DH does this kind of thing aaaalllllll the time, it is really annoying when they say they'll be home at one time so then you wait up for them and then they get home several hours later.
Over the years I've just to not ask what time he'll be home and I just go to bed and don't bother waiting up.

ttc2015 · 29/05/2015 10:01

Yabu but you know that op so dont beat yourself up. Do you naturally panic like this or is this just since being pregnant? Because I agree with the poster above, it isn't normal or nwtural

Original poster
rebbles · 29/05/2015 10:22

I can't blame it on being pregnant I would act like that anyway Blush.

I do feel bad now but I am glad I have your perspectives as it makes me realise that I probably did overreact.

I think I should probably ask you guys in other arguments too in future as I struggle to see it from another points of view.
Hmm

OP posts:
WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 29/05/2015 10:28

Remember as well that this behaviour is only going to make him more likely to do the things that annoy you. If I knew my partner was going to freak out and call me a million times if I stayed on for another drink, I'd just turn my phone off and ignore them more. I'd rather stay out than go home to an argument about where I was, I'm a grown up and can go where I want. You're actually creating the problem you dislike.

Duckdeamon · 29/05/2015 10:33

Yabu

He was inconsiderate not to let you know he'd be late but it does sound like you were over anxious about him.

Also if you are not well and pregnant don't offer to drive him home at 11pm after a piss up!

Icimoi · 29/05/2015 10:59

If you told him it was fine with you for him to stay out late, it was reasonable for him to assume you were OK health wise and he didn't need to text you to ask. If you felt you needed to report to him on your state of health, you could have picked up the phone or texted him anyway.

pinkyredrose · 29/05/2015 11:02

Jeez you sound precious! What will you be like when the baby's born, will he be allowed anywhere at all?

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 29/05/2015 11:05

No need for that when OP has taken the advice on board and admitted to over-reacting Hmm

ByeFelicia · 29/05/2015 11:59

YABU

FlabulousChix · 29/05/2015 12:22

You are pregnant you don't have a terminal illness. Yabu

Thurlow · 29/05/2015 12:28

You know, OP, I can feel like this when DP is out late sometimes. Sometimes I'm tired and irrationally grumpy. For some reason the getting really drunk or being really late will wind me up no end.

However, I don't tell him and I don't have a go at him even when he forgets to set his phone alarm and falls asleep until the last train stop because it isn't fair. If it's only every now and again, grown adults are allowed to go out and let their hair down.

YABU. But you were tired and pregnant, so it's understandable.

Thurlow · 29/05/2015 12:30

Oh, and YY to Over the years I've just to not ask what time he'll be home and I just go to bed and don't bother waiting up.

Assuming it's not very week, you just have to accept that they are out having fun with friends and stop chasing them.

Imagine the roles reversed - would you like it if he was phoning you repeatedly and demanding to know what time you'd be home when you were out with friends?

Summerisle1 · 29/05/2015 12:31

I think it would have been considerate of your OH to text to say he'd be later than 11pm. Especially as his original ETA was 7. However, I do have to say that if my DH phoned me 15 times on a night out I'd be very inclined to turn my phone off! So for that, YABU.

It should be possible for him to know that going AWOL hours after he was expected home can be worrying and that a quick text would sort this. At the same time, you need to accept that multiple phone calls are unnecessary and desperately irritating.

Whathaveilost · 29/05/2015 13:15

Jeez, if my DH did that to me I would be really pissed with him!

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 29/05/2015 13:20

If your DH did what to you? Going out with his friends is not doing anything TO YOU.

ttc2015 · 30/05/2015 13:44

rebbles We are all unreasonable in our own ways, once we've recognised it is the most important thing. You have held your hands up to it, hope you are okay and not feeling so poorly now. Flowers

ttc2015 · 30/05/2015 13:45

Whathaveilost Why would you be pissed? This isn't a regular thing and the DH was told to stay out and enjoy himself when he said about coming home earlier. It would be sending very mixed messages to say 'yes stay out' and then get angry when he does, that's why OP has accepted she was unreasonable.

Whathaveilost · 30/05/2015 15:32

I would be pissed with someone ringing me 15 or more times.
There have been many times over the last 25 years with DH that one of us has been out and guessed we would have been home at a certain time but the night has been good and carried on.
Both of us have let the other get on with it. Most of these occasions were pre mobile phone or in the days where they were really expensive we didn't have them all the time.

I think it is a bit dramatic of the OP to bleat that ' he didn't care enough to text me in the day' She's only 16 weeks pregnant, nothing is imminent.

She said he rarely goes out and is she being UR. If he rarely goes out then yes she is, if it was every week then she would have a point.

ttc2015 · 30/05/2015 16:16

Ah right, it read like you would be pissed at your DP if he stayed out i.e. the OP was NBU, I think that's why Winter's posted like that to respond as well.

MrsTedCrilly · 30/05/2015 16:27

Well done for taking it on the chin OP Grin

TheCatsMother99 · 30/05/2015 17:42

I'm sorry to say that I think YABU.

Some people see things in black and white so when you said to stay out etc he's obviously taken you up on that. And when you're had a few bevvies saying you'll stay for one rarely happens or it takes longer than you'd expect.

If you don't want him out late it sounds like you need to tell him.

MrsBobDylan · 31/05/2015 07:17

I think you've been fab to ask if yabu and for taking the response so graciously!

Not letting stuff like that wind me up took practice for me as I was used to it from my mum growing up so I sort of continued it on. However I am now very practised at at getting on with my own thing when dh's out having fun and not worrying/getting wound up about what time he's home.

My only stipulation is he eats before he cones home as he had a habit of cooking a meal at 2am and drunk people cannot close cupboards quietly or not set the smoke alarms off ime Wink.