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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH 'claimed' a room as his office and filled it with utter shit. AIBU to blitz it?

85 replies

Flingmoo · 28/05/2015 14:21

We moved into a new house a year ago and we allocated one bedroom as our master bedroom, one as our baby's room, one as a guest room and the fourth one was going to be 'an office'. However, 'an office' became 'his office' as he literally stuck a sign with his name on the door.

From day 1 it's been full of boxes of his crap which I eventually persuaded him to unpack onto two IKEA Billy bookcases. Now 1 year down the line it is what I would refer to as a shithole. Think teenage boys bedroom mess multiplied by 10. Bearing in mind this is/was a lovely new build house.

The bookcases, are overflowing with junk.
The desk is piled with papers and dirty plates and cups.
The windowsill is lined with papers and dirty plates and cups.
The carpet is home to an overflowing bin, and is littered with papers, nik naks, and you guessed it, dirty plates and cups. Not much carpet visible actually.

It's a fire hazard as well as a horrible room to be in. I want to have a place to sit and work occasionally but I can't work in there because it's 'his' disgusting man cave of crap.

I offered to declutter and organise for him but he won't let me and gets quite angry at the suggestion, even when I promise not to actually throw away anything but just box the junk up for him to sort through at his convenience.

AIBU to completely blitz it (drastically declutter and organise the whole lot) when he's out one day and put all the junk in boxes for the garage, even though he's told me not to? Blush I'd say the stuff needs to be reduced by about 80% for it to be a decent place to work in.

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 28/05/2015 20:08

I think this issue is really a power struggle, the op has two spare rooms, why should nt her husband have one room that's his, as sone one has said she could turn the guest room into another office.

FunnyHowThingsWorkOut · 28/05/2015 20:11

This thread is actually making my heart pound with anxiety. This whole question of whose stuff and whose standards and who has to do all the work is where all of my tension lies. Gah.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 28/05/2015 20:17

I'm the messy one so all I'm gonna say is that I second the rat idea. Grin

TidyDancer · 28/05/2015 20:29

I understand where you're coming from OP but I have slob tendencies and if someone decided to tidy up for me I would hate it. Really really hate it. And I would resent anyone meddling with my stuff even if they personally think it's shit. I wouldn't be grateful, I would be upset.

I think if his stuff/shit isn't growing into the rest of the house it really honestly wouldn't bother me. I need to have my junk area where I don't feel under pressure to keep it up to standard. Luckily my DP understands this and has his own junk area of the house too. OP I would commandeer an area of the house just for you and let DH get on with his mess.

(I do acknowledge that I am far more laid back than the majority of people though, and although my house is clean, I am not bothered by a bit of untidiness)

Flisspaps · 28/05/2015 20:30

The idea of a 'man cave' is utter bullshit.

Why does he get a special room with his name on the door? Does he have a special throne in there too?

I'd be pointing out to him that the house is half yours, and you will be making use of the office too. Then go in, and get him to remove his manly plates and cups or stick them in the bin. And take his bloody name plate down.

Marmite27 · 28/05/2015 20:31

DH is currently sorting out his man cave, because come October the baby's going in there!

Desk is being relocated to the spare room and will be kept tidy as we'll both need to work from home. I'm secretly overjoyed as the mess has been annoying me for 5 years.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 28/05/2015 20:35

Name on the door??? wtaf?
I missed that.

OP that is ridiculous and embarrassing. take it off

kickassangel · 28/05/2015 20:44

Even if you do this, he will just mess it up again.

I think it's fair enough to expect anyone who lives in a shared space to keep it to a certain level of tidiness, just out of consideration for others. But it sounds like he won't even do that.

Is there anywhere else in the house where you could put a desk and create an office corner? Even if you get this place pinterest worthy, he will just leave crap all over it again, and you still won't be able to work there.

btw - how much crockery do you have? Surely you've run out of plates by now!

Momagain1 · 28/05/2015 20:49

it wasnt meant to be HIS office, just an office. It became his came later when he got cute with the name sign and started leaving it in such a mess she didnt want to use it. If he wants a mancave to pile junk in, he should use the garage or get a shed, not waste an actual room.

Besides, I bet you a great deal of the paperwork tossed all over has to do with the jointly owned house, the joint bank accounts, the bills, the car, and the children. The dishes certailnly dont belong to him alone. OP has every right to go in there deal with the bits that arent his alone. It's a fire hazard and will eventually attract vermin.

SeraOfeliaFalfurrias · 28/05/2015 20:51

Those of you saying the OP should just leave her DH to it if he wants to make a whole room of their shared house uninhabitable - why on earth do you think it's okay for this man to claim an entire room to himself? Where is the OP's room? If they had enough rooms for one study each, fair enough, but they don't. It is a shared space, which she would also like to use.

SolidGoldBrass · 28/05/2015 20:55

I think everyone needs a space that's 'theirs' if there's enough room and I do second the idea of turning the guest room into your space (unless you have a lot of visitors so would get very little use out of it.)
But I would also say have a think - and then a talk - about how much either of you works at home (pursuing a hobby or studying also counts as work). And also about how much decision-making is unilateral - the fact that you thought you had agreed the office was to be shared and then he put his own name on it suggests possible problems that run deeper than a messy office - does he generally behave as though he is the only person in the household whose wishes matter?

PowderMum · 28/05/2015 21:04

DH has a man cave, allegedly it is the family study on the main floor, however the piles of cr*p masquerading as paperwork to be sorted have spread so far that I only venture in to use the printer or retrieve my files from the only neat shelf. I wanted to take a picture the other day and asked him where the camera was, his reply was in it's special place! This turns out to be under the desk on a special shelf, that is not visible due to the aforementioned piles. He is mainly in charge of the household finances and paperwork and never misses a deadline, if you ask for a document he can always find it - eventually.

Not all of the mess in the room is his. DD1 has a heap of random stuff just inside the door, this is an over spill from her teenage pit bedroom. There is also random family stuff on the shelves but I refuse to go into the room as I am not climbing over the piles and I am not going to be blamed for losing a vital document.

There are however no dirty plates or cups, its all man stuff and paperwork, the plates and bowls are all in the teenager's rooms!

My solution was to buy my own laptop and to take over the dining room table. DC now also have there own laptops too and desks in their rooms.

However the house is as much his as it is mine and he is the tidiest person in all other aspects so I couldn't or wouldn't issue him any ultimatums regarding cleaning up. The same as if I left paperwork out in the dining room I would not expect it to be moved without my permission.

PowderMum · 28/05/2015 21:06

Sorry meant to finish by saying that if I was you I would be claiming the spare room as mine and putting a sign on the door.

deste · 28/05/2015 22:31

Get some rice grains and colour them black, scatter them round the room and then point them out saying we have mice. I know this worked for a friend, she told her sister that the room was a health hazard and they cleared it. Surely he won't object to the dishes being removed.

Prole · 28/05/2015 23:03

Can I ask about the relevance of Ikea in all of this? A bookcase is a bookcase - a box is a box... unless it's from Ikea? As there's clearly a need to specify; what does it indicate? I've no idea.

I'll not even attempt to understand kids bedroom style name signs. Does it say 'Pete's Office (no girls allowed)' perchance?

MooseyMouse · 29/05/2015 06:00

It stuns me how many women put up with this. Why does the man get to claim a private space? Have some self respect!

I see it endlessly on house programmes; the man "needs" a workshop/garage/office/music room for his things. The woman? Nothing.

Stand up for yourselves.

OnIlkleyMoorBahTwat · 29/05/2015 06:19

Just be thankful he is only shitting up one room in the house, pretend it doesn't exist, and put a desk in the guest room if you want somewhere nice to work.

HapShawl · 29/05/2015 06:54

I can't get past him putting his name on the door tbh

OnlyTheDepthVaries · 29/05/2015 07:44

My DH had an office in the attic floor of our home. When he filled this with his important crap...he built an extension and made another office!!!! He also has an ever increasing pile of papers on the corner of the kitchen worksurface. I liberally shake flour etc on these when cooking and make sure that I leave a wet dishcloth on top to soak through. Will be using cress seeds and rice soon - brilliant idea.

FannyFanakapan · 29/05/2015 08:06

My DH commandeered my sewing room as his office several years ago, when he did have to work from home a lot - fair enough - and now protects it like it is a sacred space. He is away monday to friday, but heaven forbid anyone should go in his office.

loving the cress idea....!

MsAspreyDiamonds · 29/05/2015 08:17

Can you not say you saw mouse droppings so had to go in and sanitise the room? The dirty cups and plates are a perfect excuse to do this, if you haven't got mice already you will as they love messy environments to hide in.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 29/05/2015 08:19

I just cannot understand this at all. You have a room which is going to be an office, for all of you, but dh moves in and trashes it?

That is so disrespectful. Give him a week then clean it and don't let it get into that state again.

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 29/05/2015 08:45

Having dirty plates and cups everywhere is not ok. Is your baby walking yet? You can't risk having such a dirty environment with a child around (and I'm a real slob at the best of times!). You are at risk of having mice, ants, cockroaches or discovering a new type of penicillin.

Tell him that he is putting his child's health at risk.

magimedi · 29/05/2015 09:03

I'd go with the turning your bedroom into your room & putting a bed in his tip office idea.

And I wouldn't let him in for any reason until he'd cleaned up his heap.

His attitude shows so little respect for you.

rebbles · 29/05/2015 09:07

Omg exactly the same! Thought it was just my DH!

I just stuff all his crap into the drawers and wardrobes in the office so it looks tidy and it is his responsibility to organise the drawers! Which he doesn'tHmm

He only does once it starts overflowing!