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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed with DSD's DM about DSD's rotting teeth.

65 replies

Getsomenuts · 28/05/2015 09:28

DSD (4) was dropped off by her DM yesterday after a trip to the dentist. When asked how the appointment had gone DSD's DM said the the dentist wanted to give DSD three fillings (she hasn't lost any of her baby teeth yet).

DP and I have noticed for a while that DSD's teeth (top, front ones) have been going "brown" at the top for a while and we offered to take DSD to the dentist. The dentist said that it was "enamel erosion" probably due to lack of brushing. We were a bit stumped as she is here Friday night through to Sunday night and then Wednesday night and we have always made sure that she has her teeth brushed religiously morning and night and sweet treats were always very occasional, although it was difficult at times as she often resisted having her teeth brushed. DP asked ex about DSD's teeth brushing habits and she said "oh she doesn't like it so I don't brush them a great deal." We bought her an electric toothbrush (at exes request - we suggested she bought one for DSD herself but she refused) that she could use at home and bought one for DSD's use here too.

Last Wednesday night DSD was in tears saying that her teeth were hurting.
After dropping DSD off at school I phoned her DM, told her about DSD's teeth and asked if she would like me to arrange an appointment or if she would do it herself. She said that she was due a dentist check up herself so she would book an appointent for both of them which turned out to be yesterday.

Anyway, DSD's DM came to our door and said "oh she just needs three fillings so she'll have to go backs me get them done, but it doesn't matter because her adult teeth will be coming through soon." (Now the reason I'm so angry) Cue DSD walking round the corner, chocolate bar and family sized cake (still in its wrapper) in hand and a bottle of fanta in the other!! I tried to hide my anger best I could but what the actual fuck is this mentality!??

I'm 25 years old and have never had a filling in my life and poor DSD is crying in agony because the poor child has rotten teeth at 4 years old.

A while ago we had specifically asked that (if DP's ex was dropping DSD off at ours before tea time) she knocked the packet of crisps and chocolate + fizzy drink in the car on the 4 mile journey to our house on the head because she wasn't eating her evening meal when she got to ours. AIBU? We've tried our best but likeDP says were up against it a bit and we can't dictate to his ex how to feed/brush her child's teeth. I thought yesterday would be a wake up call but obviously not.

OP posts:

Pantone363 · 28/05/2015 13:42

Primary custody because the kid needs three fillings?

Fuck me head explodes

blacktreaclecat · 28/05/2015 13:50

YANBU
This is neglect and can be a safeguarding issue. If the decayed teeth are molars they won't be lost until age 10-12. At 4 multiple fillings/ extractions often require a GA as cooperation is an issue.
Poor child :(

Alexandpea · 28/05/2015 13:54

Just a suggestion but I think you can get some sort of fluoride wash put over children's teeth every 6 months if they are at particular risk from decay. Might be worth exploring?

You sound like a really caring DSM, I hope you & your DP manage to get things on track.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 28/05/2015 14:03

I'd get your DP to speak to school. If he explains early decay and then asks that she leaves a toothbrush at school to brush after lunch. At least she'd be getting one good brush a day that way.

Faithless · 28/05/2015 14:24

Fluoride on the teeth (or via fluoridated water or milk) prevents decay, brushing helps to keep gums healthy.
So the dentist is right, the most important thing is to get the toothpaste on the teeth and for as long and as often as possible. Absolute minimal rinsing too.
You could also ask about getting high fluoride toothpaste (only available via prescription).

Hissy · 28/05/2015 14:36

is your DP doing 50/50 care? if not, he needs to be. AND he needs to tell his EXw that he will take her to the doctor, dentist as and when needed, as he is her equal parent and the responsibility is as much his as it is hers. that he will let her know in the interests of communication, but he will not ask permission. if she threatens to withhold contact over this, he will seek legal advice.

the Dsd mum ought to address the sugary drinks, and at the very least encourage DSD to use a straw to save the enamel. - could DP suggest?

It's not acceptable or normal for kids to have teeth rotting out of their mouths like this unless there is a valid medical reason (no enamel in the first place, as some of my DS friends have)

RandomMess · 28/05/2015 14:41

Brushing your teeth too soon after acidic drinks such as fruit juice/eating fruit and eating dried fruit such as raisins can also destroy teeth. It's not just fizzy drinks and sweets.

We always had the rule of no snacks and eat all their sweets/rubbish as part of a meal and finish of with a yoghurt/fromage frais type of thing.

x2boys · 28/05/2015 15:00

You can alexandpea ds has had to have some teeth removed due to decay nothing to do with neglect he is severely autistic and won't let me near his mouth to brush ,them we went to the dental hygienist last week and they painted his teeth with a high fluoride paste.

RB68 · 28/05/2015 15:04

Using a straw is even worse!!! She really does not need sugary drinks - there are so many options these days. Some kids do have teeth that are more susceptible to decay - my DD does have sweets and when we are out to dinner only fizzy pop/sugary drinks but is happy with water - we have one filling. A friends lad same age never drinks sugared drinks, very restricted sweets etc, wholefood type diet - 4 extractions aged 6 so sometimes it is the teeth and not the diet.

You can only do what you can do - so keep up with your brushing and care - give her stuff to take home if necessary, show her how to do it properly and educate her on the fact that her teeth are vulnerable and what she needs to do - even at that age they can be taught responsibility for their own dental health

DisappointedOne · 28/05/2015 15:25

finish of with a yoghurt/fromage frais type of thing. Most of which are also packed with (various kinds of) sugar. Better off with a piece of good cheese.

DisappointedOne · 28/05/2015 15:27

DD (4) saw a picture of me aged about 6 with completely brown teeth. Not through diet - the medicine I had to take as a child was suspended in a sugar syrup to disguise the foul taste. Helped my condition but destroyed my teeth and weakened the enamel on my adult teeth. Having the conversation about that means we never need to nag her about looking after her teeth - she motivates herself!

Chattymummyhere · 28/05/2015 15:54

Sometimes kids are brushing and still getting bad teeth.

As a child I had 8 baby teeth removed at the back and I brushed twice a day was not allowed loads of crap. My son has had the same issue back baby ones needing to be removed. However my daughters are perfectly fine dispite them both eating/drinking the same and being taught the same brushing habits. Both get new tooth brushes every 2 months sometimes every couple of weeks as they spot a new one they like and age relevant toothpaste.

While my husband treats his teeth like crap and has only ever had a couple of fillings his whole life.

Husband and both children have used inhalers.

prettybird · 28/05/2015 16:19

Advice I was given to use a straw was from a dentist (who was also a friend). Not that he condoned sugary drinks but if you are going to have them, in order of preference, they should be drunk: a) with a proper long straw, because then the liquid is drawn up behind your teeth, b) out of a glass and very much last c) out of a can.

The other bit of advice he gave was not to brush teeth within half an hour of having an acidic drink (eg even orange juice for breakfast) as the enamel is still soft and will be susceptible to being worn away. So make sure to have breakfast early enough to have half an hour before leaving, if that is when you brush your teeth in the morning.

Either that or brush your teeth before breakfast but then OJ tastes horrible

Having said all of that, I agree that some people have weaker teeth than others. My current dentist says some of it is genetic. Ds (age 14) has no fillings. I know I have a tendency to "re-mineralise", ie my saliva deposits calcium (a previous dentist commented that a proto-bit of erosion had disappeared and I put 2 and 2 together because I had to replace my contact lenses frequently 'cos they grew calcium spots very quickly I now wear daily disposables )

Original poster

Getsomenuts · 28/05/2015 16:20

pantone she is at ours THREE nights a week read the post before commenting!! And not implying anything these are FACTS!!

She doesn't have an inhaler so it can't be that, but the fact that she came back from the dentist after being told that she needed three fillings with fizzy pop, cake and chocolate speaks volumes!!

DP has sat her down and explained but she doesn't seem to get it! Maybe she does carry on for sweets and fizzy drinks at her DM's like I said unthread, I don't really know whether or not she does but it's a possibility and whichever way you look at it her DM is still feeding her the crap!! We're doing all we can!

OP posts:

RandomMess · 28/05/2015 16:39

Yes yoghurt etc. full of sugars but it's a sugar that is less damaging for the teeth. Cheese ideal if your dc like it.

I have rubbish teeth and really suffer, so far my dds have been genetically lucky.

mayfridaycomequickly · 28/05/2015 16:56

yanbu - my niece's mother is neglectful about teeth brushing (and washing in general)

Niece brushes her teeth when with us / her dad / my parents etc but she's often 'unkept' at drop off. We've all spoken to her Mum and things improve for a little while but then she's back to them being dirty.

I felt awful when she was about 5/6 - it was obvious that she wasn't having them brushed regularly and I said that Santa was watching and that his elves would tell me... cue lots of tears etc. She said that her toothbrush at her Mam's was lost and that they sometimes didn't have toothpaste. I honestly felt horrendous and went and bought toothbrushes and paste for her and her brothers, sisters and mam and boyfriend.

Mam wasn't happy but it's that or nothing. I still replace my niece's every couple of months by sending a new one in her bag - she's 11 now.

DisappointedOne · 28/05/2015 17:11

Yes yoghurt etc. full of sugars but it's a sugar that is less damaging for the teeth.

The added sugar (fructose/glucose) isn't!

ouryve · 28/05/2015 17:17

She probably does carry on at her DM's, but not yours, because she knows her DM will give her it. You've never been in the habit of giving lots of sugary treats, so she has no expectations in that respect.

It is neglect, though, if her DM is not cleaning her teeth because she doesn't like it and given her DM's reaction to the doctor's visit, I think your DH needs to get it officially recognised that he is at least as responsible for medical appointments etc as she is. The DM can have all the hissy fits she likes. It's about the welfare of a child, not her pride.

LittleIda · 28/05/2015 17:21

Worra

wootle · 28/05/2015 17:38

It's a difficult situation when one parent has primary care - if the other parent is only seeing them evenings or alternate weekends it is difficult to impose good dental hygiene or to take them to dental appts. I can think of a couple of children I know who have never been to a dentist despite being of school age. Their mother doesn't think it's important...

sashh · 28/05/2015 17:48

She doesn't have an inhaler so it can't be that, but the fact that she came back from the dentist after being told that she needed three fillings with fizzy pop, cake and chocolate speaks volumes!!

What does she drink at yours? Fruit juice can be just as bad.

There are things you can do, daddy could call his dd and ask if she has brushed her teeth, you could take her to the dentist and ask for advice. It seems like you have her almost 50% of the time and when it is a child's health yes you can dictate to her mother what should happen, not in a, "I'm telling you what to do" way but in a, "this is what is best for our child" way.

MayPolist · 28/05/2015 17:56

I think good dental health is down to luck s much as anything.I didn't need a filling til my 30s and that definitely is not down to a good diet and fastidious dental regime (especially as a kid!!)

Original poster

Getsomenuts · 28/05/2015 18:13

She drinks water and occasionally Robinsons Orange but well diluted. I'm aware of the fact that fruit juice is packed with sugar so I avoid it.

Sashh that's a good idea, I will suggest it to DP. ouryve I think you're probably spot on there. We've always stood firm on this sort of thing. We don't deny her anything but everything has to be in moderation.

OP posts:

Diamond23 · 28/05/2015 18:13

I think the gums are the real problem though aren't they? You only get one set and that's where the plaque gathers which causes decay.

The dentist should really be applying sealant at the first sign of decay- or isn't she seeing the dentist regularly?

prettybird · 28/05/2015 18:14

sashhh - the OP had said in an earlier post that her dsd only has water when she's with them.

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