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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get upset that my OH hasnt proposed...

51 replies

catladywithnocats · 27/05/2015 14:09

Ok, so we are pretty young - in my eyes anyway - at 23 and 24, to get married. Not sure we're 'There' yet you know? But I do dream of our big day and have loads of ideas and stuff and he knows all that. He always said that he wasn't ready yet which is fine as we're young, and that he may change his mind as he gets older. (He see's it as a bit expensive and considering we don't own our own home yet its not top of priorities - which I agree with)
AND I did say don't propose until i'm at my goal weight - which ISNT happening as of yet.... :(
But now his bestest friend in the whole world is proposing to his GF of 2 years (We've been together 6). He used to be a bit of a 'LAD' so just never saw him beating us to it....
Was absolutely chuffed of course, its super exciting and we all love his GF and they are perfect together blah blah...
BUT, I cant help but feel a little sad.... Not sure if its Jealousy, as I'm genuinely happy for them. But just a little sad its not us, and sad that we're not 'There' yet.... Every things going in slow mo for us - I still don't have a 'Proper' job so cant really save for our house. Stuck renting and STILL haven't got any closer to this bloody goal weight of mine...
I had a flicker of a thought, that what if, it isn't meant to be....
That might be what made me sad...
Can you be utterly in love with someone, and want to spend the rest of your lives together but life just isn't on your side somehow?
Someone please reassure me......???

OP posts:

mumtoaninja · 27/05/2015 16:46

I was with my DH 8 years (and had 2 kids) before he proposed.
We didn't want a ridiculously long engagement so he waited until we knew we could pay for a wedding. He proposed on his 30th bday and we married 23 months later.

fufulina · 27/05/2015 16:47

Be very careful what you wish for!

OTheHugeManatee · 27/05/2015 17:05

I'm afraid I'm with SGB on this.

The point of getting married is to be married. It's brilliant if and when you do it with the right person. But if you're asking your boyfriend not to propose yet because you believe you're currently too fat for the wedding photos then I'm afraid you've got it all arse over tit.

In the nicest possible way, OP, concentrate on developing your career. That will do more to make you happy in the long term than all the lace and frills and birdcage table settings and glittery shit in the world.

mrstweefromtweesville · 27/05/2015 17:11

Oh dear. 'Yes' to all to all the people who have been saying you sound a bit immature (they're saying 'young' but chronological age isn't the point).

It might be that your 'OH's 'bestest friend in the whole world' loves his partner in a more 'marriage-friendly' way than yours loves you. You've had six years with this man and you're only 23? Time to put thoughts of a big wedding out of your head and really think hard about your relationship. If you're sure he's the man you want for life, are you sure you're the woman he wants for life, and not just the 'will do for now woman'? Sometimes that's the reason why men don't propose.

If you are absolutely sure that this is what you both want, make a plan together about how and when it is all going to happen. If marriage is what you want, you can do it without fuss and it won't cost a great deal. If what you really care about is the big dress and the party, the sooner you get to it, the better you'll look on the photos.

Just looking at what Whiteshirt said above - all seems very sensible.

I'm sorry, you're looking for reassurance and I can't give it. But I think the messages you've had here will help you look at things in a more realistic way.

ImperialBlether · 27/05/2015 17:15

You have three things you want here:

a) a job

b) to lose weight

c) to have a proposal

You are still really young (I'm jealous!) Really, you should be focusing on the first two on the list, particularly the first one. You might find if you lose weight you'll gain confidence which will help you in your job search. But really, wouldn't it be so much nicer to have a good job and bought a house maybe before you get married? Otherwise you'll be back at the flat after the wedding, still no job, still overweight and realising that actually the wedding doesn't make that much difference at all.

Are you trained for anything? If not, now's the time to start looking at college courses and apprenticeships. What kind of job would you like?

thewavesofthesea · 27/05/2015 17:17

Agree....although don't agree the reason is because they met and are too young!! It sounds as if you just aren't ready; yet. You might be in the future. Think about the marriage, not the wedding. If you can do that, then you are ready.

(BTW I met my husband when I was 17 and we married aged 23. We are still very much in love and v happy 7 years of marriage later; age in number really doesn't matter!)

RedKite1985 · 27/05/2015 17:25

You're jealous.

You were fine until your friends got engaged and now you feel sick to the stomach with jealousy because that's what you want

WanderingAboutRandomly · 27/05/2015 17:31

We were together for years before we got married - it's much better to wait until you are ready in all respects. There is no rush, you are planning on spending your whole life together so waiting a few years until you can afford it and are a bit older is a good idea.

It's a bit to care that your friends have beaten you to it. They sound immature to be racing into it like that.

Momagain1 · 27/05/2015 17:42

you want an awful lot of things to suddenly be different and better just because his friend is proposing to his girlfriend. which has nothing at all to do with your weight, your job, your housing arrangements or your relationship.

Are what you really saying is you are tired of floating along somewhere between childhood and "real" adulthood, and want to move on to accomplishing some goals? I would say "good on you" except you seem to be focussed on the goal that requires the least effort on your part: becoming engaged.

after which, you would become involved in the planning and organising of your wedding, all other goals set aside. possibly for good if someone else has a baby and you suddenly feel the need to have that goal satisfied.

apply your wedding planning energy to the job or weight issues. the renting vs. buying will best be resolved through improving the job anyway. Sort out things that you would want or need to sort if you didn't have a boyfriend. Be an adult, for real. then worry about getting married.

DoJo · 27/05/2015 17:44

You say that you think he isn't ready, but you also want to have a proper job and reach your goal weight which you haven't done, so perhaps you aren't as ready as you think.

1Morewineplease · 27/05/2015 17:52

BarbarianMum was spot on.
Don't rush as you don't sound so very sure yourself... Focus on getting a sound footing in your life first. Neither of you sound ready for a lifelong commitment just yet.
All the best to you both though.

ilovemargaretatwood8931 · 27/05/2015 19:04

OP, I empathise and sympathise with you. I also agree with what the other posters write, about you getting married etc. But I want to talk to you about something else which I think is vitally important-

You say I did say don't propose until i'm at my goal weight - which ISNT happening as of yet....

Dear OP, PLEASE stop this 'putting things on hold 'til you lose the weight' thing! I'm not saying you shouldn't have goals and hopes and dreams, the opposite in fact. But if you put things off until you lose weight, you're postponing joy, possibility and happiness. What if you never get to your goal weight, or you get to it and then put weight on again, more than before? (I obviously am not saying that will/should/ought to happen, but life is full of unpredictability and the diet industry is testament to the fact that losing weight is very, very hard).

Start living NOW, don't put anything off because you're not the 'right' weight again. Very best wishes to you.

PeppermintCrayon · 27/05/2015 19:14

So you didn't want to get engaged until someone else did?

Agree with pp!

Timetoask · 27/05/2015 19:17

You are far too young. If you marry now (no offense to others who have married young) you'll be divorced as a single parent within 10years. Much better to go into a long term commitment as a confident mature person.
Work on your short term goals, growing as a person, forget the proposal.

MagentaVitus · 27/05/2015 19:19

I think you are running a very real risk of pushing him away if you keep harping on about this aged the wrong side of 26/27.

Cornettoninja · 27/05/2015 19:23

I'm sure it's already been said but learn to let go of 'deadlines' and comparisons to other people.

Your life will happen whether you like it or not. Goals are good but don't let them become so consuming they become unobtainable.

Things are rarely straight forward so you might plan a-b but it's usually a-4-small diversion through Devon-#-IhavenoideahowIendedupatDbutIloveit.

Enjoy where you are right now. In fact I'd highly recommend looking at a short term fix. Have a bit of fun, book the safari that would be impossible to do with mortgage repayments and kids, go to a festival and wear the same knickers all weekend, head up to Scotland and go wild dolphin watching

TedAndLola · 27/05/2015 19:33

Saying "no offense" doesn't stop that being a an offensive, and incorrect, thing to say. Even among people of the OP's age, divorce rates are only 47% so the marriage is more likely to succeed than not. Equally irritating is the insinuation that peopl aged 23 or 24 aren't mature or grown as people. Individuals might not be, but it isn't true of the age group in general.

Troglodad · 27/05/2015 19:58

Only 47%?!

I have to say I agree completely with SGB on this one.

When you are 100% sure you would still get married if you weren't allowed to have a ceremony or tell anyone else it had happened, then marry that person.

Kvetch15 · 27/05/2015 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldBrass · 27/05/2015 23:56

The majority of people who marry young and stay married have been raised by superstitious woman-haters. They marry young because they are desperate to have socially-sanctioned sex. They stay married even when the man is regularly beating and raping the woman because they live in backward, misogynistic communities who object to divorce and blame women for not eating enough shit when the men become abusive.

(and yeah, of course, I know: a number of people marry at 18 and stay married for 50 years or more and are happy enough, But this is a matter of luck more than anything else.)

TedAndLola · 28/05/2015 13:38

Yes, ONLY 47% because that poster informed the OP she will be a single mother within 10 years if she marries now. Actually she is more likely to still be a married woman. It was a ridiculous post.

TedAndLola · 28/05/2015 13:39

SolidGoldBrass, your post is equally ridiculous. The 53% still married are not being regularly beaten and raped and nor do they all live in backward, misogynistic communities. Are you for real? At least bother to find some evidence instead of making shit up.

ChickenLaVidaLoca · 28/05/2015 13:53

I guess it won't be ridiculous if she has some evidence for it.

Pastaface · 28/05/2015 14:47

My DP and I were together for 10 years before he proposed. We got together in our late teens and he always said when we had bought a house he would. I used to get upset as all of our friends seemed to get engaged before us but then we bought a house and he pretty much proposed straight away! (despite him telling me he would when we had bought a house it was a massive, wonderful surprise!) Looking back i'm glad he waited - its not about how long you have been together or whether all of your friends are getting engaged. It's about whether its the right time for you! Now we are in a position where we own our own house, both have good jobs, and we can afford a good wedding with all of our friends and family around us.

YsabellStoHelit · 28/05/2015 15:03

The only way to alter divorce stats is for people to MAKE SURE THEY ARE READY FOR MARRIAGE BEFORE THEY DO IT. For some people they know in weeks, some months, some years. It's not a competition it is simply WAITING until you are SURE you want the marriage and NOT just the wedding.

I know people married quickly still together years later, others divorced and vice versa. I know one couple together for years and years before marriage then divorce came just months later. Marriage is avery individual thing and BOTH people have to be ready for it. It requires a lot of work!

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