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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up trying to help my friend?

32 replies

RagingJellyBean · 27/05/2015 12:53

I'm growing more & more tired with my friend.

On a daily basis (for a running 2-3 weeks) she tells me how her OH has annoyed her, upset her, been selfish, shouted at her children, shouted at her, argued with her, controlled her, emotionally abused her.

I've tried everything. I've asked if I can help her with leaving, I've asked if she has friends/family she can stay with, I've offered her money, I've given helpful advice... But time & time again after weeks of being unhappy she just tells me she has no intentions of leaving solely for her kids sake - then she'll try and give me the impression that everything is happy & he has changed - this lasts a week, then the cycle starts again.

I fully understand this is her life - and if she doesn't want to leave she doesn't have to leave. But AIBU to find it exhausting speaking to her when she goes through a 2-3 week period of telling me every day how much he upsets her? I've tried my best but she won't listen to any of my advice and I'm slowly running out of things to reply with, but I couldn't face ignoring her because I know she really does get miserable.

Help!?

OP posts:
PeppermintCrayon · 27/05/2015 12:57

YABVU to imply that she doesn't want to leave and to assume she is able to think rationally. The cycle you refer to is the cycle of abuse.

Stop being pushy. Keep listening, if you care; or don't. But YABU.

Original poster
RagingJellyBean · 27/05/2015 12:59

I said if she doesn't want to leave. I'm not implying it, I'm saying if she doesn't want to.

I'm not being pushy - I offer up advice when she asks for it but she doesn't listen to it. I can't force her to, and I am certainly not being pushy with her.

OP posts:
Theycallmemellowjello · 27/05/2015 13:00

I don't think YABU. Supporting someone emotionally can be extremely draining and frustrating and it's fine to express that. I think though that given the situation you should make it clear you will always be there for her if she needs support leaving, and it would be good to check in regularly. But also fine to steer conversations to more neutral ground if that's possible, or limit contact (while not making her feel cut off). It's a tough situation, I feel for you.

PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 27/05/2015 13:03

She's not ready to go yet. You can either keep doing what you're doing, or start drawing away. Those are the only real options as you can't influence her behaviour, only your own.

YANBU to find it very, very wearing and frustrating to watch someone lie to themselves though. My mother was like this about her life for years (not abuse-related, just unhappy about her situation but unwilling to change it) and eventually we all struggled to care, heartless as it sounds.

Original poster
RagingJellyBean · 27/05/2015 13:03

I don't want to come across as unsympathetic, or harsh but this really has been going on a long time.

I always, always make a point of telling her if she ever did eventually leave I'd be here waiting with oodles of support.

It's just exhausting because she always expects a reply and I just run out of things to say to her to make her feel better?! I understandably have a biased view of her OH and quite frankly I hate him - which makes it harder when she tries to convince me he's actually really nice and they're getting on really good again.

OP posts:
Original poster
RagingJellyBean · 27/05/2015 13:05

Plumping, that's very much what I feel like.

I'll never abandon her but I feel like I need a way to (as Theycallmemellow said) steer the conversation a different way that doesn't involve her being so up & down with me.

OP posts:
Corygal · 27/05/2015 13:06

YANBU. She is clearly very hard work indeed. That, as the other posters have pointed out, may be because she is being abused. It may not, on the other hand.

Exhausting you with endless venting won't stop the abuse or end her bad marriage, so remember that. Be there, but look after yourself - if that means dodging a few calls, so be it.

fourchetteoff · 27/05/2015 13:07

Tell her straight.
Tell her that you can't think of any more advice to give her when she is distressed as it obviously isn't helping. Suggest counselling. But if she is determined to stay with someone she loves but can't get along with (as was the case for my really good friend and my mum) then there is nothing you can do, advice-wise. Tell her that you will listen from now on, but that if she runs on too long and it's exhausting you (as it does!! I know!!) then you'll have to change subject or go do something else.

All I'd suggest is to stop giving advice as frankly, it is a waste of your breath. Listen only and let her run herself out.

fourchetteoff · 27/05/2015 13:09

BTW - I would tell her all of that in a moment where she is not upset about her DP. Perhaps go for a walk and tell her how wrung out this torrent of emotion feels. Ask her what the solution might be.

whattheseithakasmean · 27/05/2015 13:09

She sounds like my mum - and she has been going on like this for over 20 years, so don't assume there will be an end in sight. It is worse when they are getting on well & I have to hear how fabulous he is -like I will have totally wiped his bastardly behaviour of a week ago from my memory.

Frankly, if she wasn't my mum I wouldn't bother with it any more, it is all so wearisome, self involved & pointless.

PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 27/05/2015 13:09

Maybe just don't respond when she talks about him. Say 'mmm' or something and change the subject. Or have a nuclear option of 'Friend, I love you but I don't want to talk about your OH anymore. You know how I feel about him and I honestly can't think of anything positive to say when he comes up in conversation. Please can we not talk about him?'

Maybe it'll jolt her into realising that she's in danger of losing your continued support, or she might get furious at you and stop talking to you. No way to know which I'm afraid.

PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 27/05/2015 13:11

Oh, here's a thought - keep a calendar of all the complaints. Every time he does something to her and she tells you about it, mark it on a calendar with a brief note of what it was.

Do this for a few months and present it to her - she has probably subconsciously 'forgotten' loads of it.

Original poster
RagingJellyBean · 27/05/2015 13:14

I think that might be the worst part of it - when they're getting on I have to be told that he's actually a decent human being, when I know fine well 2 weeks ago he seriously was not a decent human being.

Plumping - that's a really good idea. I might give that a go, actually. It could make things different for her seeing it in black & white.

OP posts:
fourchetteoff · 27/05/2015 13:14

BTW - I was a serial 'complainer' about my dad and living situation to several friends. I didn't realise, but I had a reputation for being fun, but a bit of a moaner. One friend finally had enough and didn't speak to me for 6 months. It helped to make me rein in my moany side. I wish people had reined me in sooner.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 27/05/2015 13:23

I don't think you are unreasonable op, as a previous poster said, it is emotionally draining trying to help or even listen to friends/family who seem to make no effort to change their situation (whether they can help it or not). I have a friend, although not in an abusive situation, moans constantly about their lives. In some aspects it's worse than other people's, in others they are quite lucky and refuse to acknowledge it. I advised them to keep some sort of diary, that way they could read back and evaluate their situation better. Unfortunately, it is a case of no one can really help them but themselves, they cannot use other people as an emotional doormat in a long term situation.

PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 27/05/2015 13:27

Glad to help raging! I kept an argument calendar for my parents when I was about six, unbeknownst to them. My mum saw me doing it one day and wasn't best pleased.... mind you, no-one takes relationship feedback from 6 year-olds. Your friend might hopefully take it on board if it comes from you in a different format (i.e. written).

BarbarianMum · 27/05/2015 13:33

How's the rest of the friendship? You know, the bit where she listens to your troubles, or helps you out, or where you go out/stay in and have fun together?

If that bit is still strong I'd maybe keep on with the friendship and stop giving advice when she's venting. If on the other hand your friendship just consists of you being her wailing wall then I'd start distancing myself.

Athenaviolet · 27/05/2015 13:36

Yabu

She is being abused. She is vulnerable and at risk.

Leaving an abuser isn't a quick or linear process. I think on average it takes 30odd attempts to leave an abusive relationship.

The cyclical nature of her feelings on the subject if leaving are entirely normal.

I think it might be worth you reading up a bit on domestic abuse and maybe contacting women's aid yourself so you can get your head around what's happening and what's the best way for you to act.

yolofish · 27/05/2015 13:41

barbarianmum has a very good point - what do YOU get out of this friendship? a relationship with one of my friends has just collapsed, and after a good few years of being the shoulder to cry on and/or the knight in shining armour with practical help, it is a huge relief.

Yes, your friend is stuck in a shit relationship, but she is the only one who can make any changes. You being the dumping ground is no good for you, and its probably not that good for her really.

Icimoi · 27/05/2015 13:43

Sorry if this sounds facile, but have you suggested alternatives short of leaving, e.g. assertiveness training or counselling? Or indeed talking to someone like Women's Aid about the practicalities of leaving so that it doesn't adversely affect the children?

gatewalker · 27/05/2015 14:35

Raging - I cannot imagine what your friend is going through. However, it feels like she is using you as an outlet for her feelings - and in all likelihood she will not be aware of this. So you get to feel the frustration, the pain, the anger - and also the helplessness. This is transference. It is understandable she is doing this - her situation is untenable. But you don't have to subject yourself to it, and you may need to take measures not to be the psychic recipient of what really needs to be directed within her relationship.

Feminine · 27/05/2015 14:45

There is only do much you can do, before a friendship like that totally saps you dry!
Life isn't fair for your friend, her life sounds very tricky.
But, you need to be easy on yourself too.
I don't see what more you could do?
I have had a friend like this... For the best part of 20 years, l've been a sounding board. Agony aunt.... But (as is her right) she hasn't listened to any of it.
I have no more to give now, l understand where you are coming from.
YANBU.

Instituteofstudies · 27/05/2015 15:00

You sound like you really care and want the best for your friend. But what she does/doesn't do isn't your responsibility and you don't have to wear yourself out helping her to improve/leave her relationship.

When the thought of staying is worse than the thought of leaving, maybe she'll be able to make the break then. Some people though they want to change, just can't, no matter who tries to help/be there etc. It's very sad and frustrating to witness but if someone cannot change and just seems to be going round in an endless loop of the same thing, there's little you can probably do about it other than what you've already done and do.

You do have a responsibility to yourself though and to not take on more than you are happy with. If the friendship is bogging you down and exhausting, irritating you, it might be the time to retreat.

I have a friend who was very frustrating to be around, in that she wouldn't follow the advice of professionals, wouldnt or couldn't do what they recommended and did nothing to help herself. Whenever we were together she just complained, moaned and fretted. I could feel my heart rate speeding up when I was with her and decided I had to radically cut down the time I spent in her company because it was just knackering. I now see her with a group of other friends once a week, but I don't see her one to one any more. And although I feel a bit guilty, I also feel better for it.

Debinaboat · 27/05/2015 15:02

You Anbu ,
I have a friend exactly like this,and it becomes tedious trying to come up with helpful advice ,over and over again .
I have now realised that my friend actually thrives on high drama ,and I won't be drawn in .
Hers is a weekly thing though ,her relationship goes through the cycle of argument/fight/throw him out /one last chance /everything hunky dory again ..... Till the next week .
It is exhausting to be involved in .and I now try to have very little to do with her .
I no longer have the sympathy in me ,or the energy for the drama .
Sad really ,

tidalwaves · 27/05/2015 15:12

I have a friend in the same sort of situation and I've realised that all she needs is a listening ear rather than advice now. I've already sent her links to WA, done benefits calculations for her, offered to help with housing forms, but one week I'm doing that and the next it's all looking rosy again. Tbh I think she's afraid of leaving because of the financial implications/living independently as an adult, even though I also left an abusive relationship and had to deal with benefits and the council waiting list so I've been able to give first hand advice. I had to be a stong person to leave and to deal with all of the fallout from that, and I think some women like my friend and OP's friend don't have that, no matter how much support is offered.

It's draining but I have to admit I've switched off a bit - my mind just wanders when she starts offloading on to me, and I don't even register much of what she says now, I just nod and murmer but I'm often thinking about something completely different.

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