To be annoyed by colleagues comments?

[rubyroux]

A male colleague of mine has always had an unhealthy interest in my appearance. Since I've worked there he's asked how much do I weigh, what clothes size am I, what shoe size am I, what my height is... Etc. If I dare eat fruit he asks if I'm on a diet/ trying to lose weight .

This morning he asked if I was booked in at the hairdressers any time soon and when I said 'no why?' He said my hair looked like 'it needed doing'. I washed it last night and let it dry naturally so it's slightly more frizzy curly than usual but I was a bit annoyed that he thought my natural hair looked shit. Didn't think anymore of it though.

Then this afternoon I stretched and my top came up a bit (was wearing high waisted trousers so belly wasn't actually out) and he pointed at my belly and went 'what's that, are you pregnant?!'. I was mortified, I work with all men and looked over at one of the other guys who was sat there like . I just said 'you can't say that!!'.

I'm really angry about his comment though. I'm aware of the fact I have a sticky out stomach and I'm actively trying to get rid of it. It's bloated and I don't know why, I'm trying to work out if I'm intolerant to certain foods and drinking mint tea by the pint. I thought I'd managed to hide it but his comment has made me so self conscious. Why does he think it's okay to comment on my appearance

I think all of the comments about ostentatiously writing down his comments are likely to be quite difficult to actually do.

When you said to him "you can't say that" after the stomach comment, what did he say?

Could you try instead replying "why did you ask me that?"

You may be right Golf but it does give you something to do, a reason to turn away and gather yourself.

Notebook idea definitely!

Vivacia's idea - brilliant! Hope you have the nerve to do this!

Personally u suspect he realises how inappropriate hes being and rather enjoy in the power he's having!

I suspect he IS interested in you... Sorry!

Also I would he tempted the next time he makes any comment is :

State loudly and calmly :

'your comments about my appearance stop now.... These disgust/offend/whatever me'... Then say nothing and return to your work.

If he starts with comments re only a joke/time of the month... Smile to yourself and calmly write in your notebook whilst checking time/date..

Again, thanks for the extra replies. Golf he just kind of laughed and left the room, then came back a few mins later and saw my face and breezily said 'oh Ruby you know when I say stuff like that I'm only kidding'. I can't remember what I said to that, probably just smiled weakly. I was still mortified!! When he said it I felt my face go all hot so knew I would have blushed.

What do your colleagues say about his comments?

I've been the only woman in an office and had a similar sort of thing, but I felt most of my colleagues were 'on my side' which made it easier to deal with...

Do not let him get away with the 'only just kidding'. I think everytime he makes a personal comment you need to tell him you do not wnat personal comments.

I think you may have to have a word with your manager, I bet he doesn't target anyone else with comments

The 'only kidding' and 'just banter' lines are what abusers trot out to downplay what they are doing.

On the other hand, ssome people are jerks, not abusers. If you have been responding as if he is joking around acceptably, or just been silent, then making your actual opinion known seems the place to start. Tell him you appreciate a friendly working environment, but he seems to be mistaking that for being actual friends and having some sort of permission to make intimate comments and observations about your body. He is a coworker and must stop this sort of 'kidding' as it is inappropriate. From this point forward, you will record be keeping a record in order to judge if the comments were just kidding or purposeful harassment meant to embarras you and disrupt your work. Tell him you are beginning by recording the fact you have informed him.

He sounds like my mother

So I think from his response he thinks he is making a funny joke.

I have successfully dealt with a similar situation by responding with "I don't find it funny when you say that, it makes me feel really awkward" and it stopped. I completely appreciate the awkwardness of a small department, and this solved it without drama, for me.

i'd be seeing HR and if they wont help then a solicitor to make a formal complaint of harrassment.

In front of the whole office, you pause, look puzzled and say, " why are you commenting on my appearance?"

And the next time, "why are you commenting on my appearance again?"

And the next time, "you're still commenting on my appearance. It's a very odd thing to do, why do you do it?"

And when you get the only kidding line, "kidding? You don't think that constantly commenting on someone's appearance is a bit...strange?"

Every time. Every single time. Pull him up on it. In front of others. You need to politely and innocently make out you, and the civilised world think it's a really peculiar thing to do. Not funny, not joking...weird. Because he may love being the office letch but he won't want to be the office weirdo.

Yep, I agree with PPs. I probably wouldn't say anything about my feelings, though (if I were you). I'd just say, 'No personal comments please'. And then, when he said he was 'just kidding' I'd say, 'well it wasn't funny'. Try to be as emotionless as possible -- he'd love to think he was embarrassing or upsetting you.

I agree this is harassment and he needs to stop - but it's better before you complain to the manager or HR that you have attempted to address it yourself.

I've had a few situations like this.

One guy used to call me 'love' all the time. OK, I am aware that some people don't mind this, but for me it's not something I want to be called at work. I am quite senior and he was technically less senior than me and it felt really patronising - and anyway, I shouldn't have to be called something I don't like even if other people don't mind it. So I said "please stop calling me love" and he said [dripping with sarcastic tone of voice] "why, is it sexist, is it harassment, is it NON PC!?" and I said "no, I just don't like it, how would you like it if I called you Pig Face?".
He stopped.

Just a few days ago I was happily stuffing a Waitrose chocolate florentine in my gob when the Director who sits opposite me said "are you sure you should be eating that?". I said "why would you say something like that.....think very carefully before you answer....." - he turned a bit red (obviously the implication being that I am fat and shouldn't eat sweets, but I'm not fat in fact) and the bloke next to me started laughing and saying how he'd been caught out, so it was OK then.

So, just calmly address it.

Say "I don't like these comments you keep making, please stop" and don't enter into any further discussion over it.

I think do keep notes in case it goes on. There is a risk he could get worse once he knows you really don't like it, so the notes will be useful. There's no need to be showy about this, just keep them as an actual record, not as a way to make it look like you're going to do something - you ARE going to do something if he doesn't take your advice.

I also reckon that once you've made it clear you're not into it (banter - where the hell did that term suddenly spring up from to make nasty remarks 'OK' anyway?) and other people hear this then you'll have them on your side and they may even say something to him as well. Currently they are probably shocked but think you're OK with it as you're not really doing anything.

Good on you for wanting to address it. In my 20's I'd never have had the guts and I can even now recall some pretty vile sexist remarks I had to put up with at work.