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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by colleagues comments?

63 replies

rubyroux · 26/05/2015 20:45

A male colleague of mine has always had an unhealthy interest in my appearance. Since I've worked there he's asked how much do I weigh, what clothes size am I, what shoe size am I, what my height is... Etc. If I dare eat fruit he asks if I'm on a diet/ trying to lose weight Hmm.

This morning he asked if I was booked in at the hairdressers any time soon and when I said 'no why?' He said my hair looked like 'it needed doing'. I washed it last night and let it dry naturally so it's slightly more frizzy curly than usual but I was a bit annoyed that he thought my natural hair looked shit. Didn't think anymore of it though.

Then this afternoon I stretched and my top came up a bit (was wearing high waisted trousers so belly wasn't actually out) and he pointed at my belly and went 'what's that, are you pregnant?!'. I was mortified, I work with all men and looked over at one of the other guys who was sat there like Shock. I just said 'you can't say that!!'.

I'm really angry about his comment though. I'm aware of the fact I have a sticky out stomach and I'm actively trying to get rid of it. It's bloated and I don't know why, I'm trying to work out if I'm intolerant to certain foods and drinking mint tea by the pint. I thought I'd managed to hide it but his comment has made me so self conscious. Why does he think it's okay to comment on my appearance Angry

OP posts:
Inertia · 26/05/2015 21:44

I would tell him -once, and in front of witnesses- that you find his comments about your appearance to be sexist, insulting, and to constitute harassment; you are giving him the opportunity to stop before you escalate the situation, but further comments will be reported to HR. Then do as Justmyview suggests, and make a note of every single incident.

ilovesooty · 26/05/2015 21:45

Report him. That's absolutely unacceptable.

hotfuzzra · 26/05/2015 21:49

Ask him how he'd feel if his wife came home telling him stories about the same man all the time commenting about her figure/appearance and if he would find it acceptable.
I was also going to suggest what justmyview said. He needs to understand this is not acceptable and that you're upset by it. If you normally laugh it off (understandably) to diffuse any tension, perhaps try staring Shock at him, until he backs down or apologises.
I'd also ask my other colleagues why they weren't telling him to STFU instead of sitting like slack jawed yokels. Useless pricks.
I work with a lot of men too and they usually have their own lines of banter between each other and a more respectful level of banter towards women. Maybe he needs his recalibrating (taken down a peg or two until he knows his place again!)

lomega · 26/05/2015 21:51

Maybe he thinks you're both closer than you actually are so feels he can weigh in on your appearance "with friend honesty" or something? Clutching at straws here.

Either way he needs telling that his comments are not appreciated, and he should mind his own beeswax.

Nettletheelf · 26/05/2015 21:51

Don't go running to your manager (yet). Just do as some of the other girls have suggested and pull him up every time he makes one of his remarks. He'll soon give up if you shame him.

What a twat! I am furious on your behalf. I've worked with gits like this.

Focusing on your appearance is a way of putting you down. Because, you know, you're a woman and your job is to be decorative and submissive. Not to be working alongside big men like him. He'll undoubtedly know that snide comments about your appearance upsets you. That's a truer barometer of your relationship than having a bit of banter at work.

In my 20s I would put up with stuff like this because I wasn't as confident as I am now, and I was insecure about the way I looked. Don't be like that. Challenge this old tosser. Good luck.

(Keep reporting him to your manager as a remedy of last resort.)

Original poster
rubyroux · 26/05/2015 21:58

Thank you for all your replies!! I'm going to try pull him up on his behaviour and if it continues take it to my manager. I'm having a few problems with said manager for reasons I won't go into depth here, but he is also of the mindset that I'm doing a man's job so I would much rather sort it out myself than go running to him.

hotfuzz I just Grin at recalibrating because that's something we do often lol.

Nettle hit the nail on the head, I'm in my 20s and not confident with how I look. Especially with recent bloating issues which I'm self conscious about Angry

OP posts:
Nettletheelf · 26/05/2015 22:51

You'll be well out of his league! Just keep telling yourself that you're a lovely young woman who doesn't have to put up with this sort of thing from middle aged men.

OVienna · 26/05/2015 22:52

HR

AlternativeTentacles · 26/05/2015 23:03

How about each time he makes one of those comments, you make a show of writing them down. If he asks why, you could say that you don't want to cause trouble, but are taking notes in case you decide to report it to HR in future

No, you say 'i have been advised to record every incdent of harassment' and no more. Record the words, the time and date, the location and all witnesses.

BessieBumptious · 26/05/2015 23:15

This may be way off, but is there any chance that this man could be a cross-dresser? The comments are just so odd, particularly if they are meant to be 'put downs' and the eyelash comments and asking you what size you are could be him trying to find out what size womens clothes he takes? It just sounds so... well... peculiar, really.

I've had a vat of the red stuff tonight so I may be completely barking!

Fatmomma99 · 27/05/2015 00:21

Fantastic advice here. Every single piece of advice I was thinking of posting has been said by others (damn you all - stopping me being brilliant!)

The bit I don't agree with is rushing to report without doing something more positive yourself to stop it.
Whether that is saying "I don't like these personal comments" or several of the other suggestions up-thread. I think you HAVE to actually say "I don't like this" or "what has this got to do with work?" or "I consider this inappropriate" before you rush to report, or you may be accused of telling tales.

I'm in favour of making a point (have a pad with a different cover, so it's obvious) of recording in writing what is said, date, time and witnesses.

To be very, very clear - YANBU. He is out of order. His comments have nothing to do with your job or how you are working and this is not how he speaks to other - male - colleagues.
Therefore, what he is doing is illegal and he is facing a sackable offense. Even if you were rubbish at your job and totally incompetent, he should be focaussing on THAT rather than you stretching and your top riding up!

Keep strong. Keep assertive. Be polite. Be very, very clear that he is out of order and good luck!

Fatmomma99 · 27/05/2015 00:22

sorry for the typos!

SycamoreMum · 27/05/2015 00:31

Yes! Exactly what Bessie said. That was my first thought maybe he's interested on a personal level. Its very odd. The bitchiest men like that at my work place were the gay guys, but they didn't insult they were more catty remarks, this guy sounds...dare I say jealous?! Blush

lljkk · 27/05/2015 03:45

Are you sure he doesn't say odd things to other people?

Original poster
rubyroux · 27/05/2015 08:39

Thank you everyone for the additional comments Grin. And lljkk I'm not aware of him saying odd things to other colleagues, he certainly doesn't comment on their appearances etc like he does with mine.

OP posts:
Icimoi · 27/05/2015 08:45

When he asks you personal questions, how about asking whether he's asked your male colleagues the same questions and, if not, why not.

BeCool · 27/05/2015 08:49

You are being sexually harassed and bullied at work by an utter prick.

I really think you must report him. Make notes of specific incidents with dates and times. Write them down and let someone know.

You really shouldn't be going through this. Very very horrible.

lljkk · 27/05/2015 09:04

I knew an autistic bloke who would say and do weird stuff like this. Had poor social filter. Most women who met him thought he was a total lech, until they learnt about the autism and then the pieces fell into place because no lech would be as unsubtle as he was and plenty of the stuff he said was just odd rather than pervy. Men didn't notice, maybe because he didn't try so hard to talk to them (more afraid of them?).

laurierf · 27/05/2015 09:12

I have been through this a couple of times. Both times significantly older men. In the end I just flipped with the first one (so was all prepared when I encountered it the second time and stopped him in his tracks immediately). I pointed out that he was not commenting on my colleagues' appearance and that he obviously had some sort of issue going on with me, presumably because I was female. I said I found it quite astonishing that a man who was hardly Brad Pitt himself would see fit to make comment on my appearance, but if he wanted I could certainly provide him with a list of faults about his physical appearance if that would help him. Of course he got all "oohh time of the month is it?" etc. but it did die down. He made one or two more comments and I retaliated with a comment about his appearance and he laughed as if he didn't care but it definitely stopped. Not the most mature way of handling things but it worked and I was just too angry by that stage.

He does fancy you by the way. The guy I have described here subsequently got pissed at a work do and made a drunken but sincere declaration to me. Hmm

Viviennemary · 27/05/2015 09:15

You can either report it as it is certainly harrassment. Or say cut out the personal remarks. But it can't go on.

Viviennemary · 27/05/2015 09:16

And on second thoughts he's the type that if you do nothing and he goes on to do this to some other woman he'll say oh but x never complained.

zzzzz · 27/05/2015 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HagOtheNorth · 27/05/2015 09:24

'I knew an autistic bloke who would say and do weird stuff like this. Had poor social filter. '

As the parent of an adult man with AS, I'd say that it's important that inappropriate behaviour is specifically pointed out and why it's inappropriate addressed. Sometimes DS doeasn't know when he's being an arse, so we point it out to him. It's a life skill that he's learning, the boundaries between compliment, banter and 'Oi, that's not appropriate'
My DD is in her 20s and this sort of behaviour is unfortunately common in older men being dicks to younger women. She finds being confident and direct often puts a stop to it, but then she's had a lot of practise with her brother. It's often seen as roguish and flirty, rather than the unacceptable personal attack that it is.

Theoretician · 27/05/2015 09:33

he's married and about 30 years older than me so don't think he fancies me.

Neither of those two facts have any bearing on whether he fancies you. (They ought to have some bearing on whether he does anything about it though.)

Vivacia · 27/05/2015 09:39

I think the idea of taking out a notebook and writing these comments down can be useful.

Alternatively you could put up a huge piece of flip chart paper, with names of colleagues along the top and a record of wanker's comments underneath.

Make absolutely no comment or reference about doing it. At most evasively mutter, "Oh, that? It's just a thing...".

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