AIBU to think my baby beating herself black and blue is harming her?

[Pseudo341]

DD is 18m. She started ages ago banging her head against the cot sometimes when she was tired and couldn't get to sleep. Asked docs and nursery staff who assured me it was pretty common and she wouldn't harm herself.

A couple of months ago she started really bashing her head against hard objects in a rage. She'll get on all fours and smack her forehead on a hard tiled floor, or stand up in her cot and hang onto the top rail bashing her head against that. She'll move off carpet onto hard floor or deliberately seek out something hard. I do my best to stop her, I can end up physically restraining her for an hour or more at a time but sometimes I have to do something else. I am currently working on making some kind of secure playpen out of soft play equipment so I'll have somewhere safe to put her. She can get out of her pushchair straps so at the moment it's not possible for me to put her down without her being able to hurt herself. I have a 4 year old who needs my attention too, I had to bath her and dry her this afternoon with the baby held under my arm going nuts.

My eldest is very distressed by her baby sister's behaviour and often ends up crying hysterically too, frankly I feel like joining her. I've seen the GP who's diagnosed strong personality! The HV just says try to distract her as does the consultant paediatrician (she's under paediatric care for other issues, unrelated). Everyone just keeps telling me it's pretty normal and she'll grow out of it. Basically, as long as she isn't showing signs of autism (she isn't) no one gives a shit and keeps insisting she won't hurt herself. She keeps giving herself massive bruises on her head, she looks like she's been in a car crash all the time. How does that not count as hurting herself? Why won't they bloody well help?

Please be gentle with me, I'm nearly in tears here.

Okay

Can you film her to show someone?

Don't cry sweetheart

My son did this but stopped at about 20 months, we have a very hard coffee table that he used to do it off also and it was awful, he still occasionally does it but I either ignore it or quickly put a hand/foot between his head and the hard surface, I know that's not possible most of the time but it helped a bit.

There's a difference between them doing it to self soothe and doing it in a rage and temper, sometimes after my son would break his heart as he has really hurt himself banging his head. The soft play area is a good idea.

Oh god, that sounds hideously upsetting and stressful. You poor thing. I wonder if she has sensory overload of some kind and is doing it as a reaction or self soothing act (odd though that sounds!)

Other than keeping her contained wherever possible, covering any corners and sharp surfaces, which I'm sure you are doing, I don't know what to suggest.

I think I'd contact the paediatrician to say it's getting worse and you need urgent advice. It must feel as if it's going against all your maternal instincts to protect her when she's doing this.

That sounds tough.

Has anybody medical actually seen her doing it? If not, perhaps you could film her to show them.

A friend's child did this. It was shocking to look at and she didn't have any diagnosis for him. He did grow out of it though.

How's her

Sorry! How's her hearing? Just wondering if could be frustration or something.

I would get referred to a child psychologist or behaviour expert. They'll have seen it lots of times and will know what to do.

Her poor little head and poor you having to witness it. Can't believe you've just been fobbed off so far.

Sorry, that must be awful for you. Have you considered a helmet? Hope someone's along with some suggestions soon. Sounds like you're doing everything you can.

I agree with filming it - when she is safe obviously.

What is the speciality of the peaditrician? If it is ongoing/worsening then maybe consider asking for a refferal to a developmental pead?

Actually, I do have a suggestion, I'd take her to a cranial osteopath. Worked wonders for ds 2 for other reasons. There might be something giving her discomfort that can be put right.

Sorry I don't have any advice but didn't want to read and run.

Someone better than me will be along soon.

I do remember my mam telling me that when I was 22 months I used to scream and bang my head off the cot so hard I sometimes stunned myself. It was after my sister was born and she said it was horrible to watch.

for you.

You could try a cranial osteopath as well, perhaps? I've heard of some children who apparently try to 'self-medicate' headaches with banging.

Wow that sounds terrible OP - have the professionals seen her at her most bruised?

I really have no idea what to suggest but can you talk it through again with your GP including the strain it is putting you and dd1 under?

Does she feel pain normally otherwise, eg falling over, scratches etc?

I know if I was you I'd be looking everywhere for a proper explanation or at least evidence that many other kids are really just the same as this and there really is no problem. I hope someone comes along here with some knowledge, but also post in development maybe?

At the very least you clearly need and deserve better explanation/answers

Along with all the good advice - can you get her some kind of soft padded head gear?

Sorry if this seems a crass suggestion. This must be awful. I'm just thinking of immediate relief.

My ds does the same. Just wanted to sympathise and also follow. But yes he gets bruised and I feel awful

I have worked in childcare for over 10 years and have seen this many, many times.
It is really so distressing for you to watch and I feel for you.
But it is quite common. The children I have known who did this liked the attention it gave them. If their mum didn't try and stop them or tried ignoring it they hit their head harder on found something more solid that.made a noise and screamed louder. It is horrible.
The solutions we found at nursery was to put them somewhere safe and secure (like the padded playpen you suggested) and wait it out. No talking to them or trying to pacify them as this made it worse or longer. We just explained that when they calmed down we could talk. At first it took forever but within a few weeks these tantrums were either very short lived or didn't happen.
Good luck it's heart wrenching to watch.

definitely film it. my DS used to run up and down the living room headbutting the wall on either side I don't know why and he grew out of it. but if you are worried then you need to be taken seriously for you and hope you get some answers soon

I used to do it as a self soothing thing to get to sleep up to about 7/8 .
You can do it surprisingly hard and still derive comfort from it.
I know it distressed my parents who removed the headboard from my bed, breaking the habit really helped.

Hope that helps you think that sometimes it can be a soothing/habit thing, no matter how distressing it appears.
But yes definitely behaviour expert to start with.

www.thudguard.com/shop

Just having a google for you OP.

Have you tried googling SPD (sensory processing disorder) and head banging? My ds has ASD and, though he hasn't hurt himself, someone recommended I read 'the out of sync child' and the book covers similar behaviours - but for older children I think. My ds (7) was not diagnosed until recently and he was a really active baby, often punching himself awake, but otherwise there were few 'typical' signs of autism at 18 months. From what Google says head banging is quite common - not that this helps when you are faced with the problem! Sorry I can't think of anything else. Both my dc have spd issues but more to do with touch. Hope you find help somewhere.

Thanks for the sympathy everyone.

I saw the paediatrician last monday and she wasn't much use so no point going back. She did say helmet is a bad idea as she'll be even more traumatized by that and I'm sure she's right. Madam can have a full blown meltdown when she suddenly decides the clothes she's been wearing for hours perfectly happily are actually completely unbearable and have to come off now, she'd definitely fight a helmet.

Maybe I will film it, I'd feel awful just watching rather than rushing to pick her up but it might be worth it to get the evidence. Nursery have seen her start to do it once but they can intervene very quickly.

Sensory overload sounds interesting, I'm reading up on it now. She doesn't want to be touched when she's upset.

Her hearing appears to be fine but her speech is slow. The GP suggested she might be frustrated about not being able to talk which sounds believable. She does make herself understood pretty well without words though.

I came on to suggest a thud guard as well. Also, did the GP check for glue ear? I think there is strong anecdotal evidence to suggest that the two can be connected. My DS had glue ear and head banged.

One of mine did it. When they were able to speak they stopped. It was just sheer bloody mindedness and frustration.

It will pass.

Sorry x-post. I see her ears have been checked.

I wouldn't right off a helmet. My other DS wore a plagiocephaly helmet and was fine with it despite having massive sensory issues (of the hour long rigid bodied screaming because of a label in the clothes kind).