To intervene when worried for friends' children's safety? (and expect the parents to step up a bit too)

[QueenOfTheCrop]

Might be a bit long sorry...

We are friends with a family, good friends to the extent that we have had weekends away etc. Mum and Dad of the family spilt up last year, two children (pre-schoolers) live with the mum nearby and go to dad on weekends, there are also two teenage children from a previous relationship who live with dad.

There was a lot of stress and occasional violence within the relationship when the parents were together. Since they've spilt up it's been a nightmare, though we've tried to stay friends with both sides. My daughter is now going out with one of the older boys so I've tried to keep things harmonious, despite the fact that I get both the mum and dad constantly slagging the other off to me.

The last few months the situation in the dad's house seems to have been getting progressively worse, extremely violent arguments and on one occasion the elder son has been punched in his face by the father. (the father openly admitted this to me) I have told the father repeatedly he needs to get help and if he is not careful social services will be involved. His response to me was that it would be easier if the eldest child went into care in any case! The mum has said to me that she wouldn't send the pre-schoolers to the dad on weekends as she doesn't trust his state of mind 'but she needs a break'.

I was away at the weekend when DD contacted me in a panic with screenshots of messages sent to her by the eldest boy in which he said he thought his dad might snap, that he had already hit both the pre-schoolers. They were quite upsetting and I actually felt a bit shaky and worried for the littler kids. I decided to call the mother as I thought if something happened and I hadn't done anything I would never forgive myself. All this was whilst I was away with friends. Called the mum who is away with boyfriend and she agrees to get a friend to check up on the family.

Later in the day I get messages from the dad berating the mum, saying he had got angry because the house was a mess, making excuses and saying I only intervened because he is a bloke and it's ok for women to get mad at the kids (what???) BUT...at no point does he mention hitting the children either to confirm or deny. He was pissed off DD had contacted me and that I had intervened. I told him I knew he had hit his son previously and I was genuinely concerned for the kids, and that so far as I was concerned neither I nor DD had done anything wrong.

The mum comes back two days later, after ignoring several of my texts asking if all was ok- she said she had no reception on her phone- in the meantime I've been getting bonkers messages from the dad and son for intervening, including a public Facebook status (to which I said no problem, next time you won't hear from me, I'll just call the police instead) and the son is having a go at DD and both of us are mad as hell about it all now!!! No thanks from the mum for spending time trying to protect her kids even though I was on a rare weekend off and she never thought of cutting her own break short!

I'm furious with them all as I write this, and also worried for the kids, so AIBU????

Op, you are in a horrible position, I agree, but it is everyone's duty to protect children from abuse, if we don't then we are culpable.
Please do something to protect these children.

I would contact SS but I would also contact the children's schools. It is likely that they're already on the radar anyway and by telling the school what you know, you're adding to their file on the children, which will assist them in getting help, particularly if SS don't do much (which was the case at our school where a girl was being emotionally abused by mums boyfriends but SS refused to intervene until school called the police)

Good luck OP, you're doing the right thing by those kids

It's highly unlikely ss would put them in care. The parents sound shit and would hopefully be offered some support . Please report this xx

Of course report and detach your dd and yourself from this family today.

Especially your dd from this boy and his df.

Report then distance yourself from the family. Defriend them from Facebook and suggest to your DD that she only sees her boyfriend at your house. You need to stop being so involved in all the goings on. Don't discuss it with them (or anyone else!)

Please contact SS. Sorry it's so horrible for everyone.

My initial thoughts..get your daughter out if this situation! Her boyfriend lives with a violent bully & they both minimise abuse. There is a good chance that at some point, your daughter will be hurt, or get caught up in the violence.

Other thoughts, why haven't you reported this before now? Children are being hit in the face, little defenceless children are being hit.

You sound like you would rather keep the friendship than rock it, so have buried the fact that you know abuse is going on...except when your daughter got caught up in it & now you are concerned...

because when I called the mum is assumed she would cut her break short ... (and I suppose I wanted to give her the chance to step in first and take control if that makes sense?) What? When she knowingly sends them to a violent household so she can 'have a break'!!! She doesn't give a shit op...neither do you or the father. You only care now because your daughter is getting grief, and even now you are minimising & making excuses!

Bloody hell...

It is obvious that a third party needs to be involved to protect the children, call SS and detach.

You need to call ss. I don't know what else to say.

Let as SS decide what help/support/changes are needed for the children to be safe. Their involvement might be enough to improve things substantially

The boy sounds like his dad. Awful.

OP put the children first. Be the responsible adult.

The father clearly isn't coping, Where is the mother of the older children?

You know you have to call SS, good luck

Go on your local council website and type in spa team. This is who the school nursery gp hv would report concerns to. The team will build a picture if anyone else has shared concerns about the children and decide what to do from there. It also helps build a bigger picture. Good luck op reporting is the right thing to do although not the easiest

If you are going to speak to school/nursery, ask to speak to the person responsible for Safeguarding - there will be one.

I hope you do decide to ring SS, and if you do, where I live you can do what they call a "no names consultation". As long as you don't name any names, you can tell them what you know and they will then tell you what the next steps would be if you were to make it official. It's very helpful.

Good luck.