Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To intervene when worried for friends' children's safety? (and expect the parents to step up a bit too)

40 replies

QueenOfTheCrop · 26/05/2015 14:50

Might be a bit long sorry...

We are friends with a family, good friends to the extent that we have had weekends away etc. Mum and Dad of the family spilt up last year, two children (pre-schoolers) live with the mum nearby and go to dad on weekends, there are also two teenage children from a previous relationship who live with dad.

There was a lot of stress and occasional violence within the relationship when the parents were together. Since they've spilt up it's been a nightmare, though we've tried to stay friends with both sides. My daughter is now going out with one of the older boys so I've tried to keep things harmonious, despite the fact that I get both the mum and dad constantly slagging the other off to me.

The last few months the situation in the dad's house seems to have been getting progressively worse, extremely violent arguments and on one occasion the elder son has been punched in his face by the father. (the father openly admitted this to me) I have told the father repeatedly he needs to get help and if he is not careful social services will be involved. His response to me was that it would be easier if the eldest child went into care in any case! The mum has said to me that she wouldn't send the pre-schoolers to the dad on weekends as she doesn't trust his state of mind 'but she needs a break'.

I was away at the weekend when DD contacted me in a panic with screenshots of messages sent to her by the eldest boy in which he said he thought his dad might snap, that he had already hit both the pre-schoolers. They were quite upsetting and I actually felt a bit shaky and worried for the littler kids. I decided to call the mother as I thought if something happened and I hadn't done anything I would never forgive myself. All this was whilst I was away with friends. Called the mum who is away with boyfriend and she agrees to get a friend to check up on the family.

Later in the day I get messages from the dad berating the mum, saying he had got angry because the house was a mess, making excuses and saying I only intervened because he is a bloke and it's ok for women to get mad at the kids (what???) BUT...at no point does he mention hitting the children either to confirm or deny. He was pissed off DD had contacted me and that I had intervened. I told him I knew he had hit his son previously and I was genuinely concerned for the kids, and that so far as I was concerned neither I nor DD had done anything wrong.

The mum comes back two days later, after ignoring several of my texts asking if all was ok- she said she had no reception on her phone- in the meantime I've been getting bonkers messages from the dad and son for intervening, including a public Facebook status (to which I said no problem, next time you won't hear from me, I'll just call the police instead) and the son is having a go at DD and both of us are mad as hell about it all now!!! No thanks from the mum for spending time trying to protect her kids even though I was on a rare weekend off and she never thought of cutting her own break short!

I'm furious with them all as I write this, and also worried for the kids, so AIBU????

OP posts:
ChampagneTastes · 26/05/2015 14:55

You need to contact Social Services. The father has openly admitted physically assaulting one of his children. You have a responsibility to pass on what you to know to help protect the children.

flora717 · 26/05/2015 14:58

They both seem disinterested in these children to some degree. Report the facts to Social Services.

BarbarianMum · 26/05/2015 14:58

Never mind thanks, I'm afraid you'll not get any (except from the children at a later date). But please call SS.

Original poster
QueenOfTheCrop · 26/05/2015 14:59

Champagne I agonised over whether to contact ss when he told me. But there is no family who could step in and the son would end up in care

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenOfTheCrop · 26/05/2015 15:01

Will Ss intervene given the age of the boys? The older boys are nearly 15 and 16, the previous schoolers presumably would just stay with the mum

OP posts:
WickleWockle · 26/05/2015 15:03

Call SS

PeppermintCrayon · 26/05/2015 15:03

Call SS and police. I cannot fathom why you have not already done so.

Original poster
QueenOfTheCrop · 26/05/2015 15:05

peppermint because when I called the mum is assumed she would cut her break short and come straight home and get the children , I am staggered that she could have stayed away after another night and day after what I had told her

OP posts:
1Morewineplease · 26/05/2015 15:06

You must call SS... It sounds as though the situation could spiral out of control... If anything more serious happens ( Heaven forbid) you'd feel gutted and guilty for not intervening. Please have the courage .

PotOfYoghurt · 26/05/2015 15:06

If that is in fact what happens, and it may not be, would staying in a home where they are violently assaulted really be better? They're still children.

Original poster
QueenOfTheCrop · 26/05/2015 15:07

(and I suppose I wanted to give her the chance to step in first and take control if that makes sense?)

OP posts:
PeppermintCrayon · 26/05/2015 15:10

It makes sense but given the stellar job she's done so far it's not the right thing. Please report this.

SlaggyIsland · 26/05/2015 15:12

Call SS and also advise your DD to end her relationship with the son.

Original poster
QueenOfTheCrop · 26/05/2015 15:12

I know that's true pot but it is doing hard to take that step. The older boys lost their mum when they were little, then the relationship with their step mum broke down, there has been so much turmoil in their young lives and I feel like I'll be responsible for pulling the family apart again

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenOfTheCrop · 26/05/2015 15:14

slaggy I think that is a matter of time as she is already cross with his behaviour, I won't allow her to the house at all as I don't trust the adults involved

OP posts:
Pinot4me · 26/05/2015 15:14

How horrible for you. It sounds like all rationale has gone out the window. You're caught right in the middle and are getting nowhere fast. You are absolutely right to be concerned for the welfare of the littlest children. I would pass on what you know to SS and let them decide the way forward. It's not your call now. Good luck!

Pinot4me · 26/05/2015 15:16

OP I've just read your post about being responsible for pulling the family apart, you are most definitely not responsible for that. You are, however, behaving like the responsible adult in this situation which is what the children badly need based on what you've told us

Original poster
QueenOfTheCrop · 26/05/2015 15:20

Thanks pinot deep down in know this, it is just difficult being the person who had to do it. I have asked other friends etc to check up on the family but it all seems to come back on me. There are grandparents nearby- I don't know them- and an auntie, who I do, I don't think any of them know how bad the situation is, would the children maybe be placed with the relatives if it came to that?

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenOfTheCrop · 26/05/2015 15:56

flora I think it is true they are definitely I disinterested. The mum constantly moans about how hard it is and wanting time to do her own thing. I know the single mum bit is hard- I've done it. But she doesn't work and has two days a week when the children are in nursery, every other weekend to herself and has had two full weeks away this year. It's a lot more than most of us get!!

OP posts:
Pinot4me · 26/05/2015 16:17

I'm not really sure but you really shouldn't overthink it too much. Stick to the facts and try not to get caught up in the emotion of it all. I appreciate you're in a really tough position. But the welfare of the children is paramount here. Imagine how you'd feel if you did nothing and something happened. These people are trained to deal with situations like this. Maybe, in the first instance, call the duty social worker for tour area (there will be obe or more assigned to children in your area) and discuss things anonymously. You may feel more reassured after that. A horrible position for anyone to be in but you have to do the right thing and not the easy thing. Hope that makes sense!

Pinot4me · 26/05/2015 16:19

Excuse the typos, I'm on the iPhone

silverweed · 26/05/2015 16:22

What a horrilbe situation for you OP, and one where I have no really helpful experience to add, but I wanted to observe that you might not be breaking the family up so much as the opposite - enabling them to get help before things get even worse, and the children suffer even more disruption. What if the dad ended up being prosecuted, for example - or even both the parents? ...I don't know if he might be anyway, but if things get worse, the consequences for all the children could be even more disruptive? They sound they they could do with a very big wake-up call.

Sadly I daresay you will get the opposite of thanks, at least for some years, but both of them need to get out of their own arses and face their responsibilities, and sounds like maybe professional help might be what is needed?

Original poster
QueenOfTheCrop · 26/05/2015 16:43

Thanks pinot and silver. I need to bite the bullet I know and approach ss. Texted the mum today to ask if she had got to the bottom of it, confronted the dad etc. No reply. Am I the only one that is deeply worried about these children? (except DD, who is a child herself and shouldn't have to worry about this)

OP posts:
Becles · 26/05/2015 16:51

Problem is that you are probably the only one with this level of detail about the family.

Of you don't report it to social services, who will? If you don't report it to social services and something happens to either the older or younger kids will you be willing to stand up to support the social worker who gets vilification for not being a mind reader when everyone apparently knew there was a problem, but nobody did something about it?

What if the children grow up thinking this is how family works and perpetuate this? Pick up the phone and call today. It's everyone's problem to nip these things in the bud before they escalate.

silverweed · 26/05/2015 17:02

I wish there was a way we could genuinely act collectively in a situation like this, and share the process. It must feel very lonely for you OP. Just remembered that I did once contact a local school about a child who I thought was possibly at risk, and they were able to do something (though I never pressed to discover exactly what). Do you know where the little ones are at nursery?

I salute you for being so proactive and wish I could be there with you to tell you so in person.

Swipe left for the next trending thread