AIBU to tell my HV to fuck off

[cricketqueen]

Every single time I see my HV she goes on about me needing to go to baby groups and meet other mums.
I keep telling her that I have mum friends but their babies are a few months older but this doesn't seem to compute. The latest thing is she wants me to consider a parenting class to meet mums with babies the same age as my dd and to get support as my parents live 2 hours away. I have friends and as a 25 year old functioning adult I can make decisions for myself but she is constantly hassling me.
She is now starting on my breastfeeding, I have started adding formula due to medical issues of my own that make me feel more comfortable having my dd starting on formula. She won't listen to me and just keeps pushing continuing ebf. I bf through a week in hospital with jaundice and severe pain and I can't do that again.
I have to see her tomorrow can I just tell her where to stick her helpful advice?

All accepted beaufort but fact is there are certain things a HV has to do as part of her job. Personally I was always so busy that I scarecely had time to send out leaflets etc, the clerk did all of that and I wonder if this is what's happening here. Most of my actual work was with the child protection caseload which is draining and part of the reason I left.

I still think though that this HV is just doing what she has been asked to do by her Trust. See prem babies regularly, check that the parent doesn't get isolated and give up to date advice regarding infant feeding. I doubt she has time to remember anything more than general details if a parent is generally okay.

I wouldn't go back to health visiting personally, there are some crap health visitors out there and I had the dubious pleasure of working with one or two. However there are some good ones too who DO give up to date advice and keep parents informed. The OP sounds like she has one of those .....and she's moaning about it. Even the better health visitors cannot win on here it seems.

OP, write a letter addressed to the Community Matron (Health Visiting), list your concerns for what they are and ask for a change. They will allocate a different health visitor who might be a "can't be bothered" type and leave you alone.

OP remember that your HV is not a mind reader. Have you actually specifically asked her NOT to send out leaflets, NOT to contact you or offer classes etc. Unless you specifically request to be removed from the mailing lists you will get them along with other people in a similar position.

Thanks for the replies. I will go to the clinic and talk to one of the other hv. I am willing to ask for help and advice if I need it like I did when dd had thrush but atm these baby groups are not for me.
And just to clear a few things up dd wasn't prem just small 5lbs 6oz but is now a 10 lbs 5oz so is gaining well
. I also understand what people are saying about pnd but I scored low on the questionnaire and honestly feel fine. My hv seemed to take an interest when she found out we weren't from the area so I think maybe she felt I didn't have support or something but I have lived here for 5 years so have friends etc.
From now on if I see her at clinics I will just nod and smile I think.

...and agree that nobody should be advising a stranger they dont know to avoid seeing a HCP. You only have the OP's side of the story which may well be correct and she would be within her rights not see this HV or any other if she doesn't want to. On the other hand I worked with a mum once whose baby was not gaining weight and who I visited weekly on the advice of the paediatrician for weight checks. I wasn't happy with the weight gain and pushed for admission to hospital where the baby was found to have an underlying heart condition not picked up initially. The baby had immediate corrective surgery and i felt relived that I had been so sure the baby needed seeing again. Note that the GP did not agree with me and the hospital were reluctant to admit the baby.

Six months later the local nursery contacted me as Mum had been in about older child's behaviour. They suggested talking to the health visitor and got the response "oh no, she's useless". Yeah right love, your youngest child is only alive because I pushed for readmission to hospital and a more detailed examination. And during those visits she had not once ever mentioned the older child beyond "yes she's fine".

So yes, always two sides to every story.

Same as all those Mums who bottle feed or wean early and say "the health visitor said I could". Not great when you are the only HV in town and you know that you bloody well did not say "it's okay to wean at 14 weeks".

Anyway I am hijacking the OP's thread which isn't rignt.

Will hide thread now and leave you all to it.

Good decision OP.

Glad you have found a way forward. Your baby sounds like she has done fantastically well.

She is only trying to help. I certainly think it's very rude to tell her to F off.

If you did that to me I would ask to have you removed from the surgery. And from the practice list.

Aggression shouldn't have to be tolerated by HV trying to do their job.

You don't have to see a hv at all if you don't want to. It sounds like you're doing fine. I just wouldn't go.

What advice had the paediatrician given to the mother gratefulhead? In that mother's shoes I'd have insisted on a referral to a specialist paediatrician much earlier. I'd be ashamed of myself if a school had to refer my children fir health related matters. I am more than capable of identfyibg issues and getting them resolved. Even so the HV I saw twice was both rude and patronising and unable to answer questions relating to breastfeeding and immunisation. Therefore there was no point at all in me continuing to see her.

You sound great but imo fir every great hv there's one who's a horror and I didn't have time to mess about with a variable system.

I have declined the Health Visitor service with both my third and fourth children and wish I'd had the confidence to do so with my first and second. It has not ' set alarm bells ringing' or caused any concern. It is an optional service.

BertrandRussell

It doesn't actually matter whether the OP needs support or not, because she isn't getting it from her Health Visitor to be frank.

I think it's fine for people to choose not to engage with an optional service they don't find helpful personally.

baby groups - 'thanks for giving me so much info on these groups. I'm not looking to join a group right now as I have a really good supportive circle of friends and a pretty busy social life, but it's handy to have the leaflets if I ever need them, so thanks.'

feeding - 'I've done my research and this it what works best for me and my family at the moment.'

repeat as necessary

p.s. I'm pregnant at the moment and I am already frustrated at the fact that, as soon as you get up the duff, you are assumed to be a simple-minded eejit. I'm a professional woman in her late 20s, I'm capable of doing my own research/organising my own social life/making decisions about my body.

Of course offering advice is fine - but to keep doing after it's been politely and reasonably declined is just patronizing and annoying.

Some HVs get bees in their bonnet. My HV kept trying to give me helpful advice about shops that had special rooms where you could breastfeed in private (including one in a town a few miles away). The thing is, I never had any qualms about breastfeeding in public so it was completely irrelevant.

Who knows, maybe she's getting a kickback from the local mother-and-baby groups.

You can politely disengage from the service if you wish to, or ask to see someone else.

However, your op says she's constantly hassling you but your later posts say you've had no recent contact and that she sent you leaflets in the post. You're probably receiving standard invites to post natal groups and you only have to decline them. It doesn't sound hugely intrusive to me at all, and fairly easy to decline.

When I did my training my practice teacher used to bang on to parents about going to baby groups. She even made me arrange to meet one of the mums at one so she wouldn't get out of it. This is because she was a teenage mother,

My best friend recently had her second dd.
Hv has her panicking whenever she's coming, manic cleaning etc as they're a very messy household and dare I say it, a bit grubby.
Hv expressed some concerns over the house and asked to see where baby slept. Friend equated this to Hv wanting a nose around upstairs!

This is the way they live, are happy and will never change but the Hv is now someone to be feared in her eyes, I don't agree with the state of the house but her dc are well looked after.

Hv has possibly got a social responsibility bigger than her actual job spec, for example safeguarding issues.

I told my friend to ask for a new Hv if she wanted to but undoubtedly the next one will probably raise the same issues. Dc "slip through the net" and she's there to ensure the wellbeing of both baby and mum/dad.

"I think it's fine for people to choose not to engage with an optional service they don't find helpful personally."

Absolutely. Of course. So do I. My concern is a whole lot of mumsnetter's piling on to tell a total stranger that HVs are useless and never to darken their doors agan when we have no idea about the other side of the story

I think you're missing my point somewhat Bertrand Russell.

It doesn't matter how helpful HVs are in general. It doesn't matter if the OP is someone who has been identified as in need of extra support.

The simple fact is that this particular HV is not someone who is being helpful or supportive to the particular OP.

Bad/irritating/prejudiced HVs do more harm than good to the people they're supposed to be helping IMO.

I wonder if you live in Wales and whether you are you in a Flying Start area?

If yes, then HVs are obliged to positively promote social activities, baby massage, exclusive breastfeeding, etc to families because child outcomes in these areas are statistically much poorer than other areas in Wales....that's not to say they expect this of all families in these areas. They are only trying to do their job to help improve child outcomes.

If no, then ignore me!!

I do live in Wales but as far as I'm aware it's not a flying start area. University city, nice area etc. Well I'm going to the clinic and then going out for lunch so I'll just have to wait and see how she is today.

My HV with my second was a nightmare - baby was prem and I had weekly hospital appointments for the first 8 weeks - weighed, checked by consultant paediatrician etc. She was really annoyed when I said I didn't think it was worth bringing him separately to the local GPs clinic when it was already all being checked and recorded in my book for all to see - I said I would bring him as soon as the hospital appts stopped.
She then took to ringing me constantly and always seemed to be waking me (and DS2) up and implied I was on some sort of high risk register but wouldn't give me any actual details of what exactly. In the end I was very firm with her and she backed off but it was all really unnecessary.

Mine go on and on about groups too. I laugh and carry on as normal.

Our HV was a bit like this about groups. Neither of us found them at all helpful and after going to a couple just stopped going. After a couple of HV visits DW and I were happy with everything so we just stopped seeing her.

She phoned once or twice but we were just polite and said 'oh, everything's going great thanks so much. We don't think we need to take up your valuable time but if we have any concerns we'll call you.'

If you're hostile, stroppy or in any way come across as nice and normal it is a red flag and it can (as happened to a friend of ours), end up with them being all interfering and annoying. Just make sure you're all nicey nice, calm and together when dealing with them.