AIBU to tell my HV to fuck off

[cricketqueen]

Every single time I see my HV she goes on about me needing to go to baby groups and meet other mums.
I keep telling her that I have mum friends but their babies are a few months older but this doesn't seem to compute. The latest thing is she wants me to consider a parenting class to meet mums with babies the same age as my dd and to get support as my parents live 2 hours away. I have friends and as a 25 year old functioning adult I can make decisions for myself but she is constantly hassling me.
She is now starting on my breastfeeding, I have started adding formula due to medical issues of my own that make me feel more comfortable having my dd starting on formula. She won't listen to me and just keeps pushing continuing ebf. I bf through a week in hospital with jaundice and severe pain and I can't do that again.
I have to see her tomorrow can I just tell her where to stick her helpful advice?

I do honestly think you might be over reacting. You had a tiny baby and you have health problems. You're rejecting (as of course you have every right to do) one of the things that many of us found a great help during the early months. And if your current "baby friends" all have older babies, there might well come a time when their babies are all doing things yours can't yet, and you might find that a bit isolating- that might well be why she's suggesting establishing a few other contacts. It does sound as if she's a bit worried about you. And nobody on here- particularly the "tell her to fuck off" brigade- can know whether she's right or wrong to be worried. And is a leaflet in the post or a message every 10 day or so so very intrusive? A big smile when you see her and a thank you is going to do more to reassure her that you're OK than asking to change when she hasn't done anything wrong!

With DC 1 We used to go to a baby clinic for weigh-ins and you only saw the HV if you requested to. The actual weigh-in was done by someone else.

We go to my GP now (they run a weekly clinic) and it's a similar set up but the HV is in the room luckily she is quite hands off unless you specified you wanted to see her

My HV with my first was forever bugging me about socialising with other mothers. It did my head in. I didn't want to, and I still don't feel the need for it. So I just stopped going to clinic. I think I had my last baby weighed about 4 times.

Just tell her how you feel - that her high level of intervention feels intrusive to you and is causing you to back off from her service. I'd also mention that its giving you cause for concern that she feels there is something wrong with your set up that she isn't discussing with you. It sounds as though you are disengaging because her interventions are too full on and she, not rrealising the reason is trying to get you to re engage by throwing everything she's got at you.

I imagine her repeated phone alls and offers of baby yoga etc are coming from a good place. Is she worried that you seem a little down? Might it be that she is so annoying that you come across as low/stressed when she sees you which then makes her concerned and consequently more annoying?!

You're totally within your rights not to engage with them but I do think she's probably just an irritating person trying to do her job rather than anything worse

She is trying to get you to baby groups to meet other mums as a preventative measure to stop you getting pnd. Other mums simply dont remember every stage or what they did. Quite rightly she is trying to stop you being isolated. So yes telling her to fuck off would be vu. You could say i know where they are if i need them, but its not really very me.

As for the breastfeeding, shes just following the world health organisations guidelines. The uk has a very low level of ebf by 6 months. You can just say this works better for us.

They put loads of pressure on for groups because if nobody attends the funding gets cut and people lose jobs, I was told this by MIL who managed a children's centre. I never went to any because every time I went to the children's centre I was made to feel so unwelcome and I just wanted to enjoy the time I had with my baby without feeling forced to go to groups. After the pressure that was put on I ended up feeling so guilty like I was doing my baby a disservice, looking back I think what baby ACTUALLY needs to socialise with other babies at 3 months old? It's a load of rubbish.

And as for my HV she effed up so badly that my baby didn't get his 1 year check up until he was 18 months because she kept sending me appointments a day before they were due. Couldn't arrange one on the phone. She was terrible.

Mine kept telling me to go to the local playgroups until I pointed out there weren't any. Literally nothing for babies or toddlers in my area. She also tried to tell me my toddler was missing out by being cared for by family and not at nursery. I just ignored them and kept on doing my own thing. Most their advice was outdated and ill informed anyway.

YABU, I used to be a HV. You won't be the in,y one being offered groups etc, she probably had to invite all first time parents to them.

Your baby was prem so likelihood is your HV has to keep an eye on her, I used to have to see all prem babies twice a month for the first three to six months....that was policy of our Trust...unless the parent declined.

As for the breastfeeding....she is following WHO guidelines. She has to advise you that once you introduce formula then your breastmile supply will decrease. She wouldn't be doing her job properly if she didn't. Take a look at some of the crap advise offered by some HVs on the feeding boards.....yours at least sounds up to date,

When the next thing/advice is offered just smile and say thank you but you have your own friends and are happy with then way you are feeding. Expect to continue to receive invites to groups though.

Royalsighness most of the baby groups that my HV suggested were either parent led, run in village halls etc ( self funding) or privately run. So I'm not sure about your funding ideas.
I know that they are not everyone's cup of tea, but I found these groups a godsend- some of the Mums I met continued to be frionds as our childern started playgroup, school etc.
Some of the women I met are still my friends even though are kids are at secondary school.

I would echo changing HV though. I wouln't even inform the old HV though- I would simpy make an appointment with a new one. All the records can be accessed electronically - so a switch would be easy.

...and yes ask to change HV if you want to, you don't have to have this one.

gratefulhead When we constantly hear how pressed NHS services are is it really impossible for somebody like an HV to note the mother's wishes and then drop it. Surely that would give the HV more time to prioritise serious issues and babies at risk. Mine was like a broken record who didn't listen, could only read the leaflet and did not want to consider any information other than the latest mantra. Starting a phone call with "is it a convenient time right now" would help with relationships, as would making mutually convenient appointments in advance rather than the day before as someone else has said.

If I had issues with my children that concerned me I found it much better to read a book and go to the GP if necessary and if I felt my children needed to be referred to a clinical specialist. If I'd asked my HV those questions they would have referred me to the doctor anyway because they wouldn't have known. You know things like breathing, dropping two centiles due to bronchiolitis, blephritis, severe and multiple ear infections, etc.

I really didn't need an HV to tell me how to look after my baby or weigh my baby regularly (little babies grow and fill up their babygros and get heavier in your arms - it's easy to see and feel). Most of all I didn't need to deal with people who were patronising and didn't respect my time which funnily enough was as valuable as theirs.

If they wanted my baby weighed all they had to do was make an appointment because I wasn't going to go to a GP surgery and queue with a new baby amongst all the people with diseases and also an appointment helped me to plan my time because I'm not the sort of person who just trundles along to anything - I like structure.

Most importantly my HV couldn't tell me what her role was - all I got was waffle and I don't deal with people who waffle and are imprecise.

The role of the HV is to provide an optional service for families with children under five in relation to child development. The key word is optional. They are statutorily obliged to offer the service, parents are not obliged to receive it and it needs to be far more up front. An HV cannot refer to social services with significant grounds to do and neither can ss intervene without significant grounds and a court order. The foundation of the service is built on fear and present and this needs to change to being a foundation of mutual and effective support so that mothers use the service willingly because it provides something honest, constructive and helpful.

Smile and nod OP. Smile and nod and providing you and just stop going. If you need support for medical issues then refer to your GP who is qualified to help you, to refer and to prescribe.

I would not advise just to stop.

If your HV thinks you need help and accepting it then there may be concerns flagged about te welfare of your baby.
I would find another HV instread.

Find another health visitor. There are some HV out there who struggle with their role. I had one who really seemed to think I was one of the great unwashed. Tried to tell me I shouldn't be going back to work it was bad for baby. Then she had a red face when she turned up at a professionals meeting some many months later and there was I in my professional capacity in a senior position. She was so embarrassed and I really hope she moved In her thinking. As it turned out I found out later that many people had been complaining about her attitude. It is a role that lends itself to people offering opinions rather than advice when done badly.

I do wish people wouldn't just tell people to stop going to see HCPs- we have no idea of the other side of any story we read on here. Of course anyone has a right not to, but it is perfectly possible that we are giving "permission" for somebody who really needs support to refuse it. As others have said, the NHS is stretched to breaking point. I woild imagine any HV who could decide that a newish mother was absolutly fine and could be filed under "sorted" woild breathe a sigh of relief and move on to the next one. The OP is a youngish, apparantly unsupported woman with health problems and is the mother of a premature baby. And who was posting at midnight and 4.00. It really isn't a good idea to encourage her to tell the HV to fuck off, however politely.

I wonder if she is a bit concerned about your mood so she trying to encourage you to get extra support? Sounds like she isn't going about it the correct way but I think she is trying to ensure that you stay well.

Can't you just go to another clinic? I haven't seen 'my' hv since the 16 week check (think it was 16). You can turn up to any weighing baby clinic in the country with your red book. There are loads. Just go to a different one.

It does seem a bit odd the level of contact she has with you. I would politely ask her to tone it down and if she doesn't then put in a complaint. It sounds really quite over bearing.

No need to be rude. I wonder why she seems so interested in you?

My HV was the same OP. Would you like me to sign you up for parenting class? No. You will meet other Mums? No thanks. She mumbled "you're not very sociable are you?" No.
She was put out, I wasn't going to be pushed into something that I didnt want to do.

you would be very unreasonable to swear at her, but you would not be unreasonable to request a different health visitor or simply to refuse to see her again.

I just wanted to add my experience - whilst it is great that you have friends with older babies, don't rule out trying to meet some with babies the same age. I have found having people going through the same development stages at the same time really beneficial. Easier than speaking to friends with older babies who inevitably make the "just you wait" comments or have the slightly blasé attitudes of people who have been there and done that and aren't as ridiculously excited/PFB as me about it

Maybe do it on your owns terms? I tried a few different groups till I found one that suited and have made friends.

Also - speak to your HV. Tell her how you feel and ask why, when you have told her you are not interested, she keeps pushing? It may be she is clumsily trying to address a concern that she would be better talking bluntly to you about.

I haven't seen a HV since DD2 was 6 weeks, she's now 18 months. My experiences with HV have been awful with them threatening SS if I didn't FF due to low birth weight. DD1's paediatrician soon put them straight on that one.

They cocked up the weighing of DD2 and started the same threats so I reminded them they are a non compulsory service and one which I no longer needed.