to exclude my mothers boyfriend - long sorry

[mileend2bermondsey]

Last year my mum started an affair with her now boyfriend, lets call him 'S'. S was also married. My mum broke up with her lovely boyfriend of 7 years ('L'). She then gave S an ultimatum of to leave his wife and be with her or end the affair which he did. I was not happy with this as I did not agree with the way they had started their relationship and that my mother had been so callous to L after everything he had done for her (which is a lot) I feel like she just used him until someone she liked better came along. I didn't speak to my mum for about 2 months because I didn't feel ok with the situation. Then I thought 'lifes too short' so got in touch with her. My mum took that as a green light to ram their realtionship down my throat 24/7.

Its as if she cannot do anything without him or his permission. Just before xmas she quit her job and moved in with him (as soon as his wife left) and rented out her house, my childhood home, without telling me, which upset me but I think I'm deff. being UR about that. Her house, her choice. My grandparents and mum were supposed to be coming to my house for xmas and she asked if he could come too, which I found rude and basically said she was taking the piss, she knew I wasn't okay with the relationship but gave them and inch and now she wants to take a mile. Anyway he didn't come.

Last week I went to stay with them as I was coming home for my birthday (I live 250 miles away). I was staying in his house which I found awkward and uncomfortable but tried to make the best of it. He kept making snide comments about using their wifi and spending to long in the shower and generally making me feel as if I shouldn't be there. He is very rude and cuts people off if they aren't talking about a subject he finds interesting or interrupts to start telling his own story. He just acts like a rude teenager rolling his eyes and sulking if the focus is not on him. I also noticed he treats my mum basically like a slave ordering her about and won't lift a finger but she says she enjoys looking after him, again her decision.

Things came to a head when we went out for my birthday meal, me my mum and S, me again trying to be nice for my mum and spending time with them both. I picked a restaurant to have a meal in, note I work in hospitality and my biggest passion is food and drink, trying new places, whereas my mum and S are more 'Red Hot World Buffet' types. It doesn't matter how bad the food/service/ambience is as long as it's cheap and the portions are big. So we sit down and S instantly starts complaining that they don't have 'normal' drinks only 'fancy shit that no one likes' (artisan beers). Looks at the food menu and complains several times that it looks rubbish and they don't have anything he likes (it was simple British food with stuff like leg of lamb, seabass, steak and chips, something to suit everyone really). Then spots they prices which were obviously more than he wanted to pay but nothing outrageous - it was a pub fgs. Starts making loud exaggerated comments (HOWMUCH??!! I CANTBELIEVEIT!!) ad announces he's not paying these prices. I lost my rag and said fine lets go somewhere else left the table and went outside to wait for them.

S comes outside starts screaming at me in the middle of the car park about how rude I am, swearing at me (we don't swear in my family - I do privately though). I was just flabbergasted thinking omg who the hell does this bloke think he is shouting at me as if he is my dad. We went home and I started packing my things up and went to stay with my grandparents. S rang them and said I'd stormed off because he had said it was too expensive. I was annoyed at that because it wasn't the reason. It was because he was rude, couldn't be bothered to make an effort and thought he had the right to dictate where my mother and I spend MY birthday dinner. Its got nowt to do with him, he should have just tried to make an effort to have a nice time like I was doing with him.

I left to go home early as there was supposed to be a dinner at my grandparents he was invited to and I didn't want to be around him. Am I blowing things out of proportion. I really dislike him and don't want to be around him. My mum still isn't taking the hint and texts me updates everyday 'S is decorating the office' 'S has gone to the pub'. Honestly I don't give a fuck, I don't want to hear about him. I don't know what to do for the best. I want to accept him for my mums sake but I honestly cannot stand the guy.

Well he sounds a right wanker...a wanker your mum has inexplicably chosen and helped break up two relationships for.
I don't know what to advise here really. Just wanted you to know I had read your post.

Yanbu to dislike him...but your mum seems to be enamoured with this brute who ruins your birthday.

I don't know what to say.

I would feel exactly the same as you. And would be far more upset about family home than you. Very easy for someone on the outside to be objective and say it's your mum's life but when it's you, and your mum and your old family home...

He sounds like an arse too.

Yanbu - he sounds awful but your Mum sounds as though she is a bit
Can you invite your Mum up to see you without her BF?

If not then can you just go and stay with your Grandparents and see your Mum for very short visits.

Ultimately, as you say yourself, it's up to your Mum.

He sounds like a dick :( sorry not sure what else to say but hopefully your mum can spend time with you without dickhead in tow. Xx

Thanks for the replies, glad to know I'm not totally UR. I've told my mum I won't be at any events he is attending and she said thats fine its my decision etc but that he will still be going. I've inivted her down in a few months to stay with me and I could stay with my grandparents when I go home, but I feel as if there is this huge unspoken issue/awkwardness in our relationship.

He's a control freak.

Phoning your grandparents to get his side of the story in...

He is an arse. He will always try to make you into the bad nasty one as you are direct competition for your mother's affection.
Obviously the older brother of manipulating Rob from the Archers.

I don't think you can much except step back and hopefully when your mother sees sense be there for her.

Are you my sister op?
Honestly my mum's partner is a disgusting scrote of a human who she met in almost identical circumstances.

I don't have anything to do with him now, if my mum wants to see me or DD we do something without him.

As an adult you get to decide who is part of your life, don't humour this prick just to keep the peace.

YANBU. They both sound awful. I'd cut them both right out again.

I'm so sorry, mileend. That's horrible. And such a shame about your birthday. I don't have anything to add or any advice, but and sorry there's not an emoticon for hugs.

YANbU at all, he sounds awful, your mum is just sucked in. I woukd have nothing to do with him, invite your mum only. I woukd gave also stayed in a hotel and not with him.

Your mum sounds awful too, but understand she is your mum and you want to have a relationship with her.

He sounds like a bit of a prick, however, I think YABU in your judgement and attitude towards their relationship.

He is obviously aware of your feelings and seems to be responding in kind.

I wouldn't put up with this. Id be having a word with your mum. You shouldn't be made to feel like this.

You're not a 22 year old lad are you Toasty ? haha. My brother also dislikes him but is the sort of put up and shut up type. He works on the cruise ships thought so is currently away for 10 months and doesn't have to deal with any of it. His previous step sons (of the woman he cheated on with my mum) hated him and cut him off after he kicked off at a family bbq and they had a huge fist fight (can't remember why my mum told me this). He also has 2 of his own grown children who don't have anything to do with him. Not of this rings alarms bells to my mum though? In her eyes he can do no wrong.

YANBU

He sounds very unpleasant. As an adult, you can choose who to have in your life and who you don't. Can you still see your DM without him? If so, I'd just try to stick to that.

She sounds a bit odd too, though- I would not be happy if my DP behaved like that towards my daughter. The fact it was your birthday just makes it worse.

Is your mum really insecure OP? By giving up her job she maybe feels like she's fully committing herself to him but she's made herself quite vulnerable if he's as controlling as he sounds.

I'd also be upset at her insistence that he'll still be attending family events. Funny how, whatever age we are, when it comes to our parents we revert back to being children. And I don't mean that as a criticism. I mean even though we're adults, the same things that would have hurt us as children (favouritism, abandonment etc), still hurt as adults.

We're better equipped to deal with it as adults, but still upsetting. Maybe she can't see that.

Think I'm your sister too OP!

I have no contact with either my m or her vile h. She chose this revolting creature over me, lets him treat me abysmally and somehow it's my fault. When they turned up unannounced at my house, and he started throwing his weight around and then refusing to leave, I had to call the police :(

Do what suits you op, bugger the pair of them. You can't change them

Its so upsetting. I said to my mum I was upset she let the house without telling me and she literally laughed at me and said it doesn't matter as I don't live there. I said I felt as if she cared more about S than me* and her response was 'do you know how childish you sound?' That makes her sound really horrible but she is actually a nice person but time to time says nasty things without realising the impact.

*I know this does actually sound childish but in context I don't think it was. I said she should have been asked S to apologise to me for shouting at me and spoiling my birthday. Her response was that S is an adult and she can't make him do anything. She said that S feels I should apologise to him for 'being rude' but she can't make me do that. I just think if someone did that to MY daughter I'd be pissed, but she doesn't seem to have an opinion.

I feel like if I gave her an ultimatum between him and me (which I would never do) she would chose him and say it was my decision so thats up to me.

I said I felt as if she cared more about S than me and her response was 'do you know how childish you sound?'*

That's exactly what I mean. She wants to see you as an adult who can take care of yourself. But in your relationship you'll always be her child and will always be hurt if it feels like she's cutting you out in favour of her new boyfriend.

Don't know what to suggest. But agree with a PP that you can't change people. You can only change your own behaviour/response or remove yourself from the situation.

So whatever you do, look after yourself, don't let your mum's behaviour affect your self-esteem, it is in no way a reflection of you.

I know how much it messed up DH when his dad let his new wife (DH's stepmum) treat DH like crap.

I wouldn't give her a ultimatum, for one reason her new BF will probably love it. But you don't have to see her with him, meet her on your own terms. Good luck!

What do your grandparents think of him OP?

What must be hard to bear is that your Mum brought you up to be the person that you are, and yet now you see her loving this man who sounds like an utter twat. It's hard to reconcile the two. .

Well I wouldn't have left the pub but told him he was welcome to leave at any time. I would also have not let him get away with swearing g at me, who the hell does he think he is?

Yanbu at all, he is an arse. I hope your mum wakes up to who he is but more than likely he will just have another affair.

Sounds somewhat like my step father and we are ten years in as they got married! It's definitely changed my relationship with my DM. He once picked an argument with my DH, who is the kindest, sweetest person in the world and we almost went no contact. He really laid into him for no reason. DH told my DM he had the measure of SF and if he carried on, he'd drive everyone away from her. I suspect this may well have been his plan... Going NC with my DM is the last thing I ever thought I'd consider. I won't let SF 'win' though and bizarrely, since having my DC, DM has been more involved with us again - she might have 'chosen' SF over me, but she doesn't want to miss out on her grandchildren. However messed up this scenario is, it has given me back some control. Thankfully my siblings are of the same opinion as me and we always back each other but it's such a crying shame. Totally agree with what Jessie said above.

YANBU OP but I wouldn't avoid family events because he's there, that's just isolating yourself from the rest ofthe family. Just go and ignore him, act like he doesn't exist.

I do think he sounds like a bit of an arse. But he's the arse your mum has chosen.

Reading between the lines a little bit - I think that you were very hostile towards their relationship from the start and that has contributed to your poor relationship with him (along with his being an arse, of course). It's kinds 6 of one, half a dozen of the other? Can you think maybe you are a little bit responsible for this situation as well as him/your mum?

1. you disapprove because it started as an affair. Yeah, I totally get that. It's also really not your business to show any disapproval, to be honest. I have a family member who's turned up with new partners twice after having affairs on the previous one. Do we, as a family approve of this behaviour? No. But that's his choice and we welcome the new person. One has now been my sister in law for 12 years and despite how it all started, she's a nice person, and a good addition to our family now.

2. YABU about your mum letting her house. It's got nothing to do with you. You shouldn't have mentioned it. She doesn't need your permission to do anything with your 'childhood home'. Most people move, sell up, rent out, do something with their houses at some stage. I know a couple who have just moved for the 14th time in around 25 years. I don't think I've ever heard of anyone asking permission or specially informing their adult children about this.

If you want to keep a relationship with your Mum, and it doesn't sound as though she is horrible or abusive to you, just stuck in the middle of two people (both adults) she loves and trying not to take sides, you may need to take the first step, because he won't, because he's an arse. Perhaps you could get together with them and say there's been fault on both sides and you want to start again with a clean slate, just forget everything that's already happened and move on, and try to have a better relationship with him as you accept he's your Mum's partner and you want her to be happy.

What next action were you going to do that required excluding him? From your birthday party?

Reverse this and imagine it's you who started passionate love affair with married man who turns out to be an arse (only you think quite a loveable arse) who always winds your mum up the wrong way. How would you feel if your mum refused to see you with him & excluded him from family events?

I think that's the only way you can tell how to proceed fairly.