to handle my child's tantrum like this..

[adrianna22]

Ok.

So I have a DS who is 5 and he does have autism and verbal dyspraxia. All in all he gets very frustrated.

In public, DS cries when he doesn't get what he wants. This is no moaning sort of crying. He can get really high-pitched to the point passing people cover their ears.

Usually, if DS points to something e.g. sweets, I don't tend to say "no" outright, I'll try to say "DS, I understand, but you can't have sweets". Ofcourse, in the end he cries as he knows he is not getting what he wants. So when the full blown tantrums begin, I'll put a blank expression on my face, ignore DS and escort him back home. I don't say anything, I don't even look at him.

I do this for a number of reasons. DS will cry even more if I try to talk to him, I also find myself getting worked up and upset etc.

Though a lot of members from the public tell me that I should talk to DS, they intervene and try to hand DS a sweet, which makes it even worse.

Truthfully, I am finding it hard. It also doesn't help that I'm 21 and look two years younger and people judge and comment on my parenting.

I am also aware that DS gets very frustrated due to the lack of speech and the rigidity of his thought down to the ASD (e.g. I have to have that sweet!).

I am using visual timetables to support this, it's not working to effect. Though I think it all boils down to me giving in, which I have been working on and trying not to care what other people think of me.

So, is ignoring your child through a tantrum the best way (of course over something trivial like not getting what he wants, or being told off)?

That sounds tough but you are handling it really well ignore the sweet givers and tutters keep doing what you are doing. I used to do the same just ignore it i think trying to reason with a tantruming child is pointless i used to get old ladies tutting and sayingpoor Bairn if i was marching her away screaming

Strictly, I know, it's just that sometimes you have to deal with the tantrum first and talk about later. Those strategies are really good for preventing tantrums and for processing them afterwards, but children who are in full blown tantrum mode are unable to hear and understand that sort of thing.

I'm a speech therapist. Have you seen this?
www.5pointscale.com/curve_diagram_small.gif

By not talking to him when he is in meltdown (5), you're just giving him a chance to cool off and supporting both of you in getting through the storm. Stressful for you but you are doing a great job!

The place for distraction, using schedules, teaching self-soothing/calming/modelling child perspective (e.g. I know you want those sweets etc) is when he's much calmer as I think you're saying.

When I worked as a behavioural therapist, we used to do frustration tolerance and stress management programmes. You would prime the child before going in e.g. with a first shopping, then tv with visual icons and go in when they were at their best possible moment e.g. well fed, having slept well, good mood. Then you would reinforce calm behaviour all the way around the shop e.g. calming voice you're staying so calm, your voice is quiet, your body is quiet and initially combining it with non-sweet tangible reinforcers, and usually giving soothing toys e.g. sensory balls or squidgy stress balls etc and then fading this out.

We used to have a cosy corner for stress management too where we built up positive associations with these objects, doing relaxation with a shoe box with five tokens on and they would get these tokens for staying calm and then get a relaxing sensory reinforcer from inside the box. Again we always did stress management when they were already calm not when they were under stress already to teach the feeling of calm.

Excellent advice Duplodon. OP you're doing fantastically under very difficult circumstances. Five is still quite young but could you give your son £1 when you do the supermarket shop and allow him to choose something? It could be an opportunity to work on language: naming items, asking questions etc. I know that's not much use if he has a meltdown at the bank though.. overall tantrums are mortifying even if you've promised yourself you won't get embarrassed. Next time just assume everyone in the supermarket is a lovely, support mumsnetter :)