to handle my child's tantrum like this..

[adrianna22]

Ok.

So I have a DS who is 5 and he does have autism and verbal dyspraxia. All in all he gets very frustrated.

In public, DS cries when he doesn't get what he wants. This is no moaning sort of crying. He can get really high-pitched to the point passing people cover their ears.

Usually, if DS points to something e.g. sweets, I don't tend to say "no" outright, I'll try to say "DS, I understand, but you can't have sweets". Ofcourse, in the end he cries as he knows he is not getting what he wants. So when the full blown tantrums begin, I'll put a blank expression on my face, ignore DS and escort him back home. I don't say anything, I don't even look at him.

I do this for a number of reasons. DS will cry even more if I try to talk to him, I also find myself getting worked up and upset etc.

Though a lot of members from the public tell me that I should talk to DS, they intervene and try to hand DS a sweet, which makes it even worse.

Truthfully, I am finding it hard. It also doesn't help that I'm 21 and look two years younger and people judge and comment on my parenting.

I am also aware that DS gets very frustrated due to the lack of speech and the rigidity of his thought down to the ASD (e.g. I have to have that sweet!).

I am using visual timetables to support this, it's not working to effect. Though I think it all boils down to me giving in, which I have been working on and trying not to care what other people think of me.

So, is ignoring your child through a tantrum the best way (of course over something trivial like not getting what he wants, or being told off)?

In very impressed. I'd quite like to have you over and you can show me how to deal with dd 2.8yo tantrums.

Sounds like you know your child and knows what will and what won't work for him. Sod everyone else

I think if you haven't got a child with asd then it is hard to understand. The public are often horrible, but as mine has got older I have just developed a thick skin and don't care for their ignorant opinions.

yanbu. You've found way that works for you.

My 6yo DD has spectacular tantrums in public sometimes, I only feel sympathy towards another parent trying to deal with their own dc's tantrum.

I don't think that there is one universal way to handle tantrums- each child is different, whether they have SN or not. Children use tantrums in different ways, for different reasons, and they respond differently to different stimuli.

OP, you clearly know your son very well, and know what the best course of action is when he has a tantrum. When I taught children with ASD, we had printed cards to hand out which explained a little about ASD and gave the school's contact details. As a parent, I'd want to hand out cards to judgemental members of the public clearly printed with 'fuck off'

you need rhino hide and a look that says don't even bother criticsising. an air of confidence that you are doing the right thing. developed by sitting in the middle of the library watching ds doing laps, running away, knowing you are being judged but also knowing waiting for him to come to me rather than chasing will be a better way of keeping all the books on the shelves and bookcases upright this will come with time.

sounds like you are doing a great job of keeping calm.

I've just remembered something a mother that I worked with said to me many years ago. Her child was 5 years old, with ASD, and I was his full time classroom assistant. She said that she felt judged whenever he kicked off in public, because people couldn't see he had autism. She had been in an abusive relationship with his father, and her self esteem was pretty low. She wasn't particularly a young mum, but she felt people judged her because of her social class (sadly, I'm sure she was right about that).

Fast forward ten years, and she has done a degree and is now a social worker (after her experience of the system, she had a sort of missionary zeal for this. Her son did incredibly well in his gcses and is a truly fantastic young man All those people who judged were so wrong about her and her son!!!

BishopBrennan... I was thinking of doing that once, but I every time I told a complete stranger about DS, they often seem uninterested and don't know what the disorder is.

DoraGora Places like the cinema, I evacuate from the premises immediately.

But thanks everyone for the encouraging words, I'll keep on doing what I've been doing.

I stood like you once and was ignoring. Some woman said I was weak and parently badly. She stood next to me going what you going to do? over and over. I just said stay here until she calms down as I can't get her in buggy like this.

The woman tried to take over and I felt smug when she couldn't do it with two of us doing it. Stupid woman

adrianna if you ever need a rant then the goose and carrot threads in the SN boards are a good place for listening ears!

Mumtoalexa, that's horrible!

I sat through a forty minute tantrum in toysrus once (the last one ds1 ever threw in public, and his brother was 3 weeks old in a sling so I couldn't carry them both out of there) and about 15 separate people offered to help with getting my shopping to the car (I would have accepted, but I had no car and was waiting until ds1 was calm enough to walk). Many more came over to sympathise and tell me I was doing the right thing - including two wearing sure start children's centre t shirts.

I'll say this again, op. You are handling this really well.

Well done, you do what works for you, and it obviously does. You know your ds, members of the public do not, just carry on what you are doing. My dd has ASD and I wish I was as restrained as you when she used to tantrum.

I have a nearly 8 year old with ASD who still has massive strops in public all the time.

I've found people more sympathetic with toddler tantrums, but less so when it's a big gangly 8 year old who looks old enough to know better.

If it helps...my DS is 5, no special needs but a shit when told no. He has had some massive tantrums in shops when I've told him no. I ignore, ignore, ignore and yes I get embarrassed by the stares but I preempt the stupid comments by 'I've told him no and he doesn't like it, please ignore him'

I'm 42 and get the same looks you do, in fact I probably get worse. I expect some of your looks are admiration for not giving in to him like so many others would.

Sounds like you are doing a great job in difficult times.

6 year nt child here and I totally ignore tantrums.
In public or at home.
you are doing the right thing.
Good luck x

Yes should have said I'm 42 and still get looks.
I guess the difference is at my age I really don't give a shit

Could you get some advice from the autistic society or local support worker? I agree de escalating and diverting is a great idea which may or may not work with the rigid thinking.

basically do whatever works without giving in but like all things pick your battles. Avoid the sweet section, that sort of thing. I've no doubt you and DS get very upset by these outbursts. They are not naughty behaviours as you know, but an inability to control his emotions so I would add avoidance to diverting. Other people are trying to help but very few people understand autism so don't be too hard on them, I am sure the vast majority are not judging you.

there may be better ways of managing the tantrums which you could learn. Turning round and going home is fine for now when he is small enough to handle, but a strapping 10 year old is a different matter.

To me you are doing an amazing job.

Alternative the OP has already found what works. For children with ASD this may often appear unusual to some people.

But it isn't always working...or else there wouldn't always be full blown tantrums. Many people have experience or other ways of dealing with it [for example, diversion or de-escalating and never saying 'no' as I previously said] but just carte blanche saying 'please take no notice of anyone else. ever.' is utterly ridiculous.

Oh for heavens sake I was talking about the people judging or giving her looks or making comments.

I was saying take no notice of them.

I ignore tantrums, but this is because this is what is best for my (NT) younger son. With my (also NT) older son I tend to not ignore tantrums as they are unusual and usually mean there is a real problem. I tend to hug him and hold him.

The point is, I respond differently to tantrums in two different children. You have worked out the best way to respond to your child's tantrums and sounds like you do an awesome job. :-)

You know your child best so you're probably managing it the best way for your child.

DS has Aspergers. If he gets annoyed I give a quick explanation about why I'm not happy with his behaviour and then blank him. For my DS intervening does not lessen the tantrum. I want him to learn that a tantrum gets him nowhere.

Distraction also works great with my DS.

I remember my DS having a massive tantrum in the supermarket..I stod there while he tantrumed away..I can tell you I got a combination of looks, those who thought I should have my child controlled, those saying thank god its not mine- this time , and those who were generally supportive. I was late 30's so age is immaterial..

If it is working stick with it

OMG, you are amazing, amazing, amazing. Like the pp (name - something about terning... there was T in it I think) whose idea was to pre-warn (you'll be passing sweets, the answer is no). I have the opposite idea, which may also work... Yes, you can choose a sweet and have it later, after dinner, if you eat a good dinner.
But, actually, don't think you need advice, think you need a bloody good cheer, because sounds like you're doing brilliantly (cheers and does Mexican Wave!)

Oh dear, I am in a minority here - I don't ignore tantrums - I true to diffuse it within seconds of it happening - I look at the trigger, try to diffuse the trigger, negotiate and compromise. Shame on me!

If it's a full on tantrum situation, I always offer a cuddle. DS also has verbal Dyspraxia, he is now 8 years old and I have made lots of allowances for him. You have to remember, it's not his fault.

strictly, good for you, and I'm glad it works. I still think that adrianna is doing brilliantly.

AnyRailway, OP did ask for opinions. What would be the point in asking if everyone had the same answer - and that we all agreed with her?

Children with Dyspraxia / verbal Dyspraxia really struggle with sequencing and develop their sense of 'what happens next' much later than other children. They really struggle with 'if I am good now I will have a treat later'. It's a brain development disorder. I am not saying that the op should give in, but she should have a plan of action and a) write down what are the triggers of the tantrum; b) look at the causes and c) think about how to nip it in the bud.

Together with Speech therapists, I have spent hours with DS trying to work on consequences, through repetitive play, reading specially designed books, and specific two-pages cartoons trying to help DS 'reason' through 'what will happen next'. For example, on one card you would have a cartoon of a boy playing football in a garden, and on the next card he would kick the ball hard through a window and break the window. There are specific sets of therapy cards (for toddlers and young children) to encourage the child to 'predict' what will happen next as it's unfortunately part of the condition.