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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite stepfather to my wedding?

37 replies

ItsAFineLife · 24/05/2015 21:50

My parents divorced when I was 17 when my mum left my dad for another man. Me and stepfather have never gotten along, and my relationship with my mum was incredibly strained for a long time. Only in the last year have we really started to begin to repair our relationship. I really don't want to have to invite my stepfather to my wedding, we don't get along, I really dislike him and I don't want him to ruin my day. Am I just being incredibly selfish or do I have to right to invite who I want?

OP posts:
mrsfuzzy · 24/05/2015 21:52

you have every right not to include him but it might cause strain wit dm, but it is your day so don't be bullied by anyone.

pictish · 24/05/2015 21:53

I don't know. Is it a simple clash of personalities or has he been actively bad to you?

Charlotte3333 · 24/05/2015 21:53

Your wedding, your choice. Unless your Mum is offering to pay for the entire day, then I get the feeling you sort of have to kow-tow to her wants and needs (which is why we refused anyone's offers of help aside from my Dad's, because he doesn't give a shit about anything and would cringe and possibly play dead if I'd attempted any wedding talk with him).

Seriously, it should be a day entirely about you, celebrating your love for your DP. If the best way you can do that is without your Mum's husband being, there, that's his tough luck.

mrsfuzzy · 24/05/2015 21:53

sorry for misspell. dm made her choice you make yours.

CrystalCove · 24/05/2015 21:54

It's ypur right to invite whoever you want of course, but if he's still with your Mum be prepared for maybe not coming either.

Quitelikely · 24/05/2015 21:55

I think by not inviting him you are making a massive statement.

I get you do not like him but couldn't you do it just for your mothers sake more than anything.....

steff13 · 24/05/2015 21:59

It's up to you who you invite. However, if you don't invite him it may set back any strides you've made in the relationship with your mother.

Is there a chance he'll actually do something to ruin your wedding, or do you not want him there because you don't like him? If it's the latter, I think I'd suck it up and invite him, for the sake of the relationship with your mother.

ollieplimsoles · 24/05/2015 22:08

Will your dad be at the wedding? Your mum made her choice, you have the right to make yours.

BarbarianMum · 24/05/2015 22:10

Unless he is intentionally unpleasant to you and you worry that he might ruin the day, then invite him. Not inviting him would be a massive slap in the face for both him and your mother. Not sure how you'd get past that.

championnibbler · 24/05/2015 22:14

don't invite him,
i wouldn't if i were you.

ImperialBlether · 24/05/2015 22:15

I wouldn't have him there but I think you'd risk your mum saying she wasn't coming either. It's up to you, then, whether you cave in. I wouldn't - I couldn't be married with someone I really disliked in the room.

ollieplimsoles · 24/05/2015 22:20

Your mum knows you two don't get on presumably? She should put you and your day first, I think it would be pretty crappy of your mum not to go to her daughters wedding because he's not invited.

SanityClause · 24/05/2015 22:22

I think that if you don't invite him, it is possible that your mother will refuse to come.

How will your stepfather ruin the day? Just by his presence, or is he likely to behave badly (maybe getting drunk and loud)?

It really isn't cut and dried. There isn't enough information in your OP to give a meaningful opinion.

Mehitabel6 · 24/05/2015 22:27

It depends if you want to continue repairing the relationship with your mother.

mrsfuzzy · 24/05/2015 22:31

mum should suck it up for the sake of her dd, it's op day and if she does not want her step father there it's her choice.

BarbarianMum · 24/05/2015 22:38

It is totally the OP's choice but of course her mother doesn't have to 'suck it up', she can politely decline or cause a huge fuss There's no imperative for mothers to choose their adult children over their spouse if the former are behaving irrationally and we don't have enough info from the OP to judge.

crustsaway · 24/05/2015 22:42

If you don't like him im not sure why you would want to repair anything in the first place? secondly why on earth would you have him at the wedding. He was a man that your mother married and nothing really to do with you, it was your mothers choice to bring him into your world.

You really don't have to repair anything nor invite him to your wedding.

bensam · 25/05/2015 07:37

It's a difficult one op. I didn't invite a cousin to mine as he'd been awful to my parents but because he'd apologised my mum wanted him there. Dh and I felt uncomfortable about the thought of his presence so we stuck to our guns but years later and my dm still says how upset she was about it!
It's your special day and you shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable. Have you tried talking to your dm about how you feel?

anon33 · 25/05/2015 07:51

I was in completely the same situation OP. Not inviting would have caused a big fallout, so I went and got married on our own. My brother is getting married and I have given him the advice "Your day, choice". This is one day in your life when it is about you; you don't want him there, don't invite him. Do be prepared though for your DM to say she is not going.

FishWithABicycle · 25/05/2015 07:54

Is your mum married to him now?
You can invite whoever you like but only inviting half of a married couple is a bit off. If you don't invite her husband your DM would be entirely reasonable to politely decline your kind invitation to herself.

LazyLouLou · 25/05/2015 08:20

It depends on whether you want to use your wedding day to make a big statement!

If you refuse to invite him you will be opening up a big can of worms and making your wedding day an emotional battle ground. Your mum will probably be the only person to get truly hurt. Is that what you want your wedding to be remembered for?

Just remember to ask the photographer for 2 family shots, one with and one without him. We did that with our much despised SFIL, everyone was happy that way.

ThatSmirkingWhore · 25/05/2015 10:06

Of course you have every right not to invite him, your wedding, your choice of guests, however, if you don't invite him, don't expect everything to be all peachy.

My parents divorced before I was 2, and my stepmother came along not long after, and she made no secret about how she felt about me over the years.
I got married last year, aged 28 and after we had booked the wedding I told my dad she wasn't invited.
He told me he would still be there etc. Said he understood.
He never turned up. We haven't spoken since... *
To be honest, life is easier now. We fell out before and it was easier then too, life with him in it was always difficult and stressful.
I was hurt when he didn't turn up at my wedding, but not at all surprised.

*Other than a very brief conversation on the phone after I found out on facebook that my brother had died, but that's a whole other story!

ThatSmirkingWhore · 25/05/2015 10:08

My situation is slightly different though, with 25 years of emotional abuse, and nastiness. My stepmother is truly not a very nice person.

Fatmomma99 · 25/05/2015 10:15

Is your birth dad around, OP? Because that might make a difference. Is he coming?

turningvioletviolet · 25/05/2015 10:21

I didn't invite the woman who my df left my DM for to my wedding. I didn't like the woman but it was more because her being there would have upset my DM. Whose feelings I cared a darn sight more about. My dad still came.

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