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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not invite stepfather to my wedding?

37 replies

ItsAFineLife · 24/05/2015 21:50

My parents divorced when I was 17 when my mum left my dad for another man. Me and stepfather have never gotten along, and my relationship with my mum was incredibly strained for a long time. Only in the last year have we really started to begin to repair our relationship. I really don't want to have to invite my stepfather to my wedding, we don't get along, I really dislike him and I don't want him to ruin my day. Am I just being incredibly selfish or do I have to right to invite who I want?

OP posts:

Alisvolatpropiis · 25/05/2015 10:37

It is totally your choice, you may have to prepare yourself for your mum saying she won't come though. Which is of course, totally her choice.

I think, given the circumstances in which your parents marriage ended and the relationship you have with your step father, that it is understandable why you don't want him present.

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 25/05/2015 11:14

My dad's new partner was not invited to my wedding, but it actually didn't even cross my mind to invite her as my parents 32 year marriage break up was still relatively fresh (within the two years prior to my wedding) and at that point I hadn't yet met her. However, my sibling got married four years after me (by which time dad was married to the 'ow') and felt obliged to invite her. It was very awkward as all my parents mutual friends (who were mostly all at siblings wedding) were on my mums 'side' so dad was a bit of a pariah for the day!

PlummyBrummy · 25/05/2015 13:18

I didn't invite mine. I wouldn't want to feed and water someone who had made me feel so awful in my own family house and genuinely didn't wish me or DH well. There's no reason on earth you should have to either. It's a special day for you and id hope your mum could spare a few hours out of his company to confirm that with you. Good luck whichever course you choose.

Tryharder · 25/05/2015 13:25

Depends on:

A)Whether you dislike him for genuine reasons or just because you perceive that he broke up your parents' marriage

B)How much time has lapsed since said break up

C) Whether or not him being there would upset your Dad

And

D) Whether not inviting him would destroy your relationship with your Mum

however · 25/05/2015 13:29

I invited mine.

Had I been stronger, I wouldn't have. Thankfully he didn't come. To be honest, I had a 'destination' wedding mostly because I knew if I did, he'd probably decline. I was right. But had I not invited him it would have been awful for mum. He was a cunt. Still is, probably.

StaceyAndTracey · 25/05/2015 13:33

What woudl you say to a paremt who didn't invite their adults childs spouse to a family celebration becaue they didn't like them ?

You'd probably say " suck it up for the sake of your child "

Lots of people don't like the partner of every single family member , they put up with them unless their behaviour is intolerable . Do you have any reason to think he woudl behave badly at your wedding ? If not, you shoudl invite him .

riverboat1 · 25/05/2015 13:49

I agree with TryHarder - can't say YABU or YANBU as there is too much missing information. Particularly whether you just don't get along with your step dad but he's not really a nasty/bad man, or whether you think he is actually a horrible person who would actively cause disruption at your wedding.

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 25/05/2015 14:02

Is your dad coming? How does he feel about spending the day with the OM?

Corygal · 25/05/2015 14:15

It's your wedding and you deserve a lovely day to remember. So invite him, barely say hello, and get the day you want without creating a 'situation' which will worsen the family rift. Long term, that's better for you.

If the stepfather was any decent sort of person he wouldn't come, but we assume he isn't, so expect the brute to turn up and get a couple of people you know and trust to spend time with him so you don't have to.

Gem124 · 25/05/2015 19:35

I'm not inviting my dad's wife but my step dad is coming to ours despite both parents being remarried for 17 years thus year (3 weeks apart). Hate her so no way would I want her involved.

HeyManIJustWantSomeMuesli · 25/05/2015 20:14

I think, like PPs have said it depends why you don't want him there. If you just don't get on then it might be worth sucking it up, if there has been some kind of active nastiness/disagreement etc then hopefully your mum will understand if you just invite her anyway.

My step-daughter didn't invite me to her wedding and had refused to even meet me until a few weeks beforehand as she disapproved of the age gap between me and her father. We had been together about five years by then, married for two (she was invited, didn't come). Things are fine between all of us now but I can't ever really forget it, it will colour how we think of her/feel about her for a very long time. Maybe always.

KittyOShea · 25/05/2015 20:26

Like previous posters I reckon it depends on the reasons for your dislike. If he was in anyway abusive to you or your mum or prevented her from seeing you of course YWNBU.

However, if that is not the case you are asking your mum to participate in celebrating your relationship. I think it would be unfair to ask her to choose between hers and your big day b

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