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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed at DH's ex yet again

32 replies

zeezeek · 23/05/2015 22:08

To cut a long story short....DH had a fairly short relationship with a woman in between marriages (his first one and then ours). Had a child with that woman, but kind of left her for me (all very messy and 26 years ago). He has always been involved with his DD from that relationship and so have I. She's just had a baby and, because we have always been close, has asked me to be god-mother. I'm not particularly religious, but her DP was brought up in that environment and they both want their DS to be christened, so I said yes and, besides, it is a great honour to be asked and I love the LO and my DSD.

However, her mother (who has previously abused and stalked me) is now refusing to attend the christening if a) I am god-mother and b) if I even turn up.

What's really pissing me off is that despite the close relationship I have with my DSD and her DP and my step-DGS (my DH is currently acting as his child-minder as well so he's around ours a lot) the actual ceremony is being held at my family's property (stealth boast alert....my family used to have a stately home, now turned over to EH but they allow us to use the chapel on occasion).

Obviously DSD wants her mother - the child's grandmother to be there, along with her father and also her step-sisters (my two who are v v excited by the whole thing). And she also wants me there and wants me to be god-mother, otherwise she wouldn't have asked.

Seems to be stalemate at the moment with DH completely on my side (against her for a change) and saying to ignore her - but I know she will make a scene if she doesn't get her own way and ruin it for everyone else.

Should I go, or should I stay away?

OP posts:
ChuffinAda · 23/05/2015 22:10

Majority of people want you there

One is being a stroppy old mare who is cutting her nose off to spite her face

Bit of a no brainer to me

AlpacaMyBags · 23/05/2015 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FenellaFellorick · 23/05/2015 22:11

Do what your step daughter wants you to do.

TheNameIWantedIsTaken · 23/05/2015 22:11

Ask your DSD what she would like and be supportive of her choice, you'll always be a part of her life whereas her mother is alienating herself

Sn00p4d · 23/05/2015 22:12

What does your dsd want? If she wants you to go knowing her mother may well kick off then that's what you do. If she does kick off and ruin the day then I imagine your dsd will be less than impressed, surely she wouldn't risk it, I'd assume it's all talk but if she does cause a scene she's only going to make herself look bad

ReginaBlitz · 23/05/2015 22:12

The ex is always going to hate you, her husband left her and her baby for you. Step aside and leave her too it.

6LittleOnes · 23/05/2015 22:12

Let dsd decide.

RubyMay82 · 23/05/2015 22:21

Step aside ?
26 years later...
I think it's the ex that either needs to wise up or step aside here.
It's obvious the rest of you all have a good relationship & it's not about her (or the original poster...)
Imagine putting her poor daughter on the spot like that.

Original poster
zeezeek · 23/05/2015 22:24

My DSD wants me there. Her relationship with her mother is very strained, but she feels responsible for her.

I didn't actually know he was with her when we got together and neither of us knew about the baby to be honest, but right from the start, DH has been part of her life.

All my other step-children (from his first marriage) are also due to attend, so it's kind of also like a family reunion and no, I don't want to miss it just because this woman might kick off.

OP posts:
Thisismyfirsttime · 23/05/2015 22:28

If your dsd has asked you to be Godmother and used your place surely she knew her dm might kick off? What does she want because she must know her dm best and if she knew the mum would be unhappy and still ask you to be Godmother and to use your facilities she must know that's what she wants?

Pollyputthekettleon45 · 23/05/2015 22:29

Have you posted before?
About when your DSD found out she was pregnant and her mother flipped?
and she was stalking you?!

Either way, YANBU.

Thisismyfirsttime · 23/05/2015 22:29

X posted!

Original poster
zeezeek · 23/05/2015 22:37

Pollyputthekettleon45 - yeah. That was me. She's flipped a lot over the years.

My DSD is lovely and just wants to do what's best for everyone. She is part of a very big and very diverse family (has 6 step-siblings, one step-mother and is also close to my DH's first wife) so has been brought up with a massive amount of liberal people on one side - and her mother on the other. Her mother would have been accepted into the extended family if it wasn't for the fact that she is still full of hatred of everyone after so long. Her and DH weren't married and they were together for less than a year. She just hasn't ever forgiven him for leaving her.

My DSD is struggling with being a new mum and, I suspect, a mild case of PND - hence why DH is helping out with the baby so much and, to be honest, is totally ignoring what's happening.

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 23/05/2015 22:40

Look, your step daughter wants you there. It's her baby. She wants you in her life. Put her first. If her mother doesn't attend then that's her choice.

Chchchchangeabout · 23/05/2015 22:45

I think yabu to be pissed at this lady given the history. However you should do what SD prefers.

madreloco · 23/05/2015 22:46

If she wants you there, go.

By the way, aren't any of your children or your DH's first wifes children also his children?

MimiSunshine · 23/05/2015 22:47

I remember your previous post when your DSD found out she was pregnant and her mother flipped.

Don't try to manage the situation. Your DSD knows exactly what her mother is like and how she was likely to react. She asked you to be god mother anyway, which indicates she wants to recognise you with a very special role in her childs life, more so than "just" step-grandma.

She has also chosen your "family home" as the venue, she didn't have to. Therefore don't ask her if she wants you to stay away for the sake of peace. She doesn't otherwise she'd have made different choices.

I suggest just taking her aside and letting her know you will be doing everything you can on the day to make it wonderful and are very honoured and looking forward to it. She may well be hoping her mum keeps her word and stats away anyway.

WalterMittyish · 23/05/2015 22:55

Your DSD presumably knows that her mum would flip out about you being a godparent ~ but she asked you anyway.

She also chose a venue with strong connections to your family ~ despite knowing how hr mum feels about you.

I'd say your DSD has made her preference very clear, and is perhaps trying to (consciously or unconsciously) send a message to her mum, particularly if her mum was less than supportive when DSD was pregnant.

If the mum can't be mature, after quarter of a century, for the sake of her daughter's feelings and for the sake of the grandchild, then it's a shame, but everyone would be better off without her there.

WalterMittyish · 23/05/2015 22:58

Oh, and YANBU to be pissed off at her ~ she's being very silly and manipulative, and deliberately creating a difficult situation for her own daughter at a time when she should be being supportive.

RusticBlush · 23/05/2015 23:03

If your DSD wants you there - go....
The fallout is not your doing or your problem.
I think its a great honour and testimony of what a fab stepmum you are for her to have asked you to be godmother Smile

Fatmomma99 · 24/05/2015 00:40

Like many PPs, I think the DSD needs to decide. It's not about you. It's not about the birth mother, it's about the little one's day. Let her mother decide, and go with whatever she decides with good grace.

It's not about the ceremony, it's about the relationship.

Morloth · 24/05/2015 01:20

Make this easy for DSD.

PtolemysNeedle · 24/05/2015 08:57

I think you need to talk to your DSD and tell her that you will be prepared to step aside if that's going to make it easier for her, although you will of course be very disappointed.

It is possible I think to be made a god parent without actually being at the christening, so it might be worth finding out about that in case you do end up having to miss the ceremony, and that way your DSD could still have you as god parent.

DixieNormas · 24/05/2015 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
zeezeek · 24/05/2015 11:23

She came over for breakfast with us this morning and said that she hasn't changed her mind and wants all our Swedish family there and her mother, but if her mother won't accept that, then that's her problem. So have promised to go.

On a selfish level I am hoping that her mother just decides to stay away rather than spoil it for everyone else - DH's children from his first marriage are coming over from Sweden as well has his first wife so it really is a big celebration....and holding it at midsummer as well.

DSD and her DP are off to see her mother now. She had calmed down a bit since the baby was born....but it was all very tentative.

Guess I'll be paying the price of her bad mood again!

OP posts:
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