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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask why I'm being excluded?

44 replies

notbread · 23/05/2015 15:59

I was part of a group of 4 friends in school. 3 women and 1 man. For the purposes of this thread it's Me, Peppa, Susie and George.

Obviously people drift apart over the years and people move away. So at various times over the past 15 years, our relationships have varied. At this point in time, me peppa and susie live near each other and I see them pretty much every week. George lives away but visits maybe every couple of months. Thing is, I've never been invited. Usually I find out after the fact and it's always been brushed off by Peppa and Susie as bad timing/schedules clashing.

This week, I saw Peppa and Susie and they starting talking about how they were meeting with George today. I wasn't directly involved in the conversation as I was busy with someone else but I overheard them and when I rejoined the conversation they changed the subject.

I'm seeing them tonight so they know I would have been free to meet up and obviously they would have had the chance to invite me when I saw them earlier in the week. In my mind there's no ambiguity any more and I'm being deliberately excluded.

Wibu to ask Peppa and Susie why I'm excluded from these meetings with George? And any tips on how to ask without sounding petty?

OP posts:

legoholic · 23/05/2015 16:10

The answer must lie in your relationship with George. Either he doesn't want you around or something in the dynamic between the three of them changes when you are there.

If P and S are you good friends I think you could make an offhand comment what a shame it is that George never invites you along, as you used to be close, but hey, never mind, these things happen. Make it non-recriminatory and gently upbeat.

AuntyMag10 · 23/05/2015 16:14

I too think the problem lies with George. Pepper and Susie are happy to meet with you all the time, it's only when George is around that's when things become funny.

Summerisle1 · 23/05/2015 16:15

Is there any reason why you couldn't send George a message to say that you'd like to catch up sometime when he next visits? Only the exclusion is either occurring because your two friends wish to leave you out or because George has no great desire to see you. There's not much you can do without coming across as somewhat needy but sometimes it helps to know where the problem lies.

legoholic · 23/05/2015 16:21

You will have to coax it out of them - they probably find it all very awkward.

I would try to use a tone that expressed curiosity rather than hurt, i.e. you're curious as to why but don't want to embarrass them, or him. If they really don't want to say, you understand.

Strip the emotion away and they will probably spill.

Nb: Refrain from bursting into tears if you don't like their answer .

SaucyJack · 23/05/2015 16:34

When did you last see George?

Maybe there isn't a problem at all. Just that the friendship group has naturally divided, and they don't realise you actually want to see George still.

Original poster

notbread · 23/05/2015 16:42

Yes, I do suspect that George is the problem. Or potentially I'm the problem as far as George is concerned. There's no reason why I can't ask him except that it would be awkward and needy. Even more so than asking Susie and Peppa.

Refrain from bursting into tears if you don't like their answer

That would be awkward!

OP posts:

HeyDuggee · 23/05/2015 16:42

George doesn't want to see you. He has no issue reaching out to your other two friends, so he would have reached out to you independently of them, if they kept telling him you're busy and trying to exclude you.

Maybe Susie and Peppa keep in touch with him weekly by email/phone and you don't, so he's not keen spending his time with you when visiting if you can't be bothered to keep in touch by email/phone?

RoseTheHat · 23/05/2015 16:44

George is secretly in love with you?

cuntycowfacemonkey · 23/05/2015 16:46

Well does sound like george is the problem and for whatever reason doesn't want you there. Do you have any contact with George yourself? If not then tbh I would say let it go and accept that he is just someone your friends socialise with occasionally. If they aren't excluding you from other get togethers when george isn't around then I don't think they are being purposefully mean.

Original poster

notbread · 23/05/2015 16:48

I saw him about 18 months ago, before I moved to the same town as Susie and Peppa.

OP posts:

FindoGask · 23/05/2015 16:49

We don't know! We've only got your side of the story. We can only make exactly the same suppositions as you have, because we're going on the information you are giving us. I never understand these types of threads.

SaucyJack · 23/05/2015 16:52

Hmmm.

Well then, either George has taken against you in the interim..... or they're Up To Something and they don't want you spoiling the fun.

Original poster

notbread · 23/05/2015 16:55

findogask, I'm not asking you why I'm being excluded. I'm asking would it be unreasonable to ask my friends why I'm being excluded? And what would be the least awkward/petty way to do that. Reading it back, maybe my title is confusing.

I have spoken to George since I last saw him, mainly to congratule on life events. New jobs, babies etc.

OP posts:

Summerisle1 · 23/05/2015 16:56

If you haven't seen him for 18 months despite opportunities presenting themselves then I think you have to assume that he isn't that bothered about keeping in touch. Only even if Peppa and Susie had deliberately left you out of their arrangements, he could have taken the initiative himself and arranged to meet up with you separately.

ltk · 23/05/2015 16:57

Just ask your 2 friends what's up. It is strange and uncomfortable and you want to know, so just ask. You are not in secondary school anymore. It is okay to admit you have emotions and that you feel excluded and want to know why. You are all supposed to be adults now.

Summerisle1 · 23/05/2015 17:02

But if you want a definite answer, rather than supposition, I guess you also have to ask Peppa and Susie if there's any reason they haven't included you in their plans to meet George. That's not actually unreasonable but you may have to accept that you may not like their answer and that this may have an impact on your friendship.

I guess it depends on just how much you need to know -v- the consequences of actually knowing.

bigbumtheory · 23/05/2015 17:21

Definitely sounds like George doesn't want to see you for some reason but the reasons could range from just doesn't like you for no reason to you've offended/upset him, he has feelings for you etc. Best bet is to be forward with your friends: It's obvious that you don't want me to meet up with you all on X (whatever the date is to meet George) date which happens every time George and you meet, since we all have good times together I can only guess that George doesn't want me there. Can you just tell me why so I can put my friendship with him in the past where he obviously wants to keep it.

HeyDuggee · 23/05/2015 18:10

If yo really must know, email George. ask when he's in town. Suggest meeting up, etc

Please don't confront your other two friends if you suspect they don't have an issue with you but George does. They welcomed you back into their little group (assume it was just the two of them meeting up as they lived locally) and they may have been regularly meeting up with George every time he was in town. Maybe George doesn't want to spoil the dynamic for whatever reason. Take it up with him, if you can't accept it.

Original poster

notbread · 23/05/2015 18:19

I guess it depends on just how much you need to know -v- the consequences of actually knowing.

I really want to know! I think if they bring it up this evening, I'll ask them directly.

ltk, you seem very mature and sensible. I need more friends like you!

OP posts:

DoItTooJulia · 23/05/2015 18:23

Just ask them. Nice and direct but not confrontational, just say something like: how come when you guys meet up with george Its without me? Is there something up?

Wierd though and not a very nice feeling

Lucy61 · 23/05/2015 18:27

Yup, just ask. If you really want to see George, you invite him and set up a meet. You don't have to wait to be invited of you want to see someone.

Lucy61 · 23/05/2015 18:27

If not of

madreloco · 23/05/2015 18:27

George doesn't want you to join them. Thats up to him, he doesn't have to want you.
You can ask, sure, but if the other women haven't already brought it up they clearly don't want to volunteer any information. You run the risk of causing a problem with the 2 that do want to meet up with you.

Original poster

notbread · 23/05/2015 23:41

So I spoke to Susie and it turns out Peppa isn't going to meet up with George now. Apparently Peppa told Susie it would be awkward. I have no idea what is going on, will try and speak to Peppa tomorrow.

OP posts:

MokunMokun · 23/05/2015 23:46

How weird. I'm sort of curious now too.

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