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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder what the hell i'm going to do now?

38 replies

sherbetlemonD · 23/05/2015 13:04

I'm pretty sure my life is over, and hasn't even really begun.

I had to quit my volunteering job this week. It was getting too much- I worked out I was being manipulated by someone I thought I could trust and support me- and it turned out I couldn't. Quite honestly- i'm devastated.

I made a thread on here last week about my abusive parents. My job was my escape, my way of building up my self confidence- and because I was weak and easily manipulated someone has taken advantage of that. I've had a feeling for a long time but instead i've just chosen to put up with more shit in my life

I'm pretty sure i'm not going to get a reference (she is that vindictive if I think about it..)

I thought I was going to be strong and be able to move on...but all I can see in front of me is a brick wall.

OP posts:
Akire · 23/05/2015 13:10

If you realise that someone is taking advantage and can't be trusted and you are making the very sensible decision to get hell out... That sounds very positive to me!
Ok so you will have to start again and get new voluntary place but the fact you are standing up for yourself says a lot. I don't know your circumstances and sounds like you have had rough time but compared to crumbling you can take some positives out of this.

fiveacres · 23/05/2015 13:15

Sherbert this sounds like more than the job. Could you try to run me through why you feel so bleak?

Icimoi · 23/05/2015 13:16

Use the time you now have available to look for a paying job to enable you to escape your parents.

Elllimam · 23/05/2015 13:23

I remember your last thread. This is your chance to get out! www.gumtree.com/hotel-jobs/uk/hotel+live+in+jobs go for a live in job, the Lake District one looks nice. What have you got to lose? It's not going to be worse than the awful situation you are in now.

Gabilan · 23/05/2015 13:24

Sherbet, how much positive reframing have you done? It can be annoying because in some circumstances it feels as if you're being talked into accepting a situation that's shit but sometimes it's helpful.

E.g. I got signed off work with depression. That episode of depression was triggered by and in part caused by someone at work being an absolute shit. I ended up signed off sick, the organisation was bringing a disciplinary against me whilst I brought a grievance against them and at the same time as all this was going on, my horse was badly injured. Sounds awful put like that.

Put another way, I'd had undiagnosed depression for decades. The crisis forced me to get a diagnosis and treatment and that has transformed my life. I didn't like the job I was doing, not really, and having to leave it meant (eventually) finding something much better. Being signed off sick, but being well enough to go to the stables, meant spending a lot of time with my horse at the time he needed me the most. It was the last winter I had with him and I was able to make the absolute best of it, because I was unable to work.

So, you're no longer doing a voluntary job where you were not appreciated. This frees up your time to find something where you will be appreciated. You've learned to trust your instincts - you sort of knew you weren't being supported, if that happens again you'll be able to act more quickly.

Contact your GP. I know it's hard that when you most need help, you feel least able to get it. So break things down into manageable steps. Phone the GP (Balls, it's a Bank Holiday. Phone GP on Tuesday unless things get really bad and you need an OOH appointment).

She cannot lie in your reference. Many places now just say "Yes, I can confirm that A worked for me from Y to Z date". This isn't unexpected. Also, you may find she has a reputation. I went to one interview when I was going through the grievance etc. and the interviewers asked why I wanted to leave my current position. I said something veiled (ish) but nonetheless they read between the lines and started laughing. They knew my then employers were a cunch of bunts and had a good idea of why I wanted out.

AlpacaMyBags · 23/05/2015 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TelephoneIgnoringMachine · 23/05/2015 13:42

I remember your other thread. The idea of live-in jobs sounds good, do any of those sound suitable?

Original poster
sherbetlemonD · 23/05/2015 13:44

She was supposed to be my friend and be there to support me. But its been a massive smack in the face. I'm cycling between feeling OK, upset and really pissed off.

I don't know if i'll get a job without a reference Sad surely if they write to her for one she can just choose to ignore it? :/

OP posts:
cherrytizer · 23/05/2015 13:47

It'll be tricky getting the live in job without recent references though. Is there anyone you can use prior to your volunteering job which you could use as a reference - an older job or course? If not, it's worth finding another volunteer placement or short course for the sake of a reliable reference. I have had to do it when I burned bridges with one placement, you'll probably need to commit to a few months but worth it for the longer term.

FarFromAnyRoad · 23/05/2015 13:48

So don't mention her as a reference. Acting as live in cook, housekeeper, chauffeur etc to your awful parents for all these years will be more than enough experience - just say that on your CV instead.

FarFromAnyRoad · 23/05/2015 13:49

Tricky but not impossible. It's all about how you talk it up. Doing everything she's been doing for the parents is enough and more for any role as a live in cook, housekeeper or whatever.

Gabilan · 23/05/2015 14:02

"I have had to do it when I burned bridges with one placement, you'll probably need to commit to a few months but worth it for the longer term."

Me too. As you say cherry there are work rounds. I was fortunate in being able to go back to work for a previous employer who knew me well enough not to be bothered about a reference. But whilst I was waiting for that to happen, I signed up for a temping agency. I had to explain to them something about the shitstorm caused by my previous manager stabbing me in the back. I was surprised at how understanding they were. At that point it occurred to me that employers do know that some other employers are unscrupulous and that good employees get shafted.

A good future employer will read between the lines. Those are the employers you want.

Sherbet, if it's any help, in my case my stab-in-the-back manager, who pretended to care enough to write rather sickly birthday cards, was made redundant within a year of what she did to me. I would never normally feel anything but sorry for anyone made redundant but in her case, I did a little jiggy dance of joy. Her incompetence, followed by her cowardly actions, drove me to lowest place I have ever been. She has to live with being who she is. Me? I'm so much happier now I have nothing to do with her.

Original poster
sherbetlemonD · 23/05/2015 14:07

I only have 2 though thats one of the problems- and even most voluntary jobs ask for 2. Plus i'm applying for charity work so surely they will want to know from her that I know what i'm doing?

I have her boss' number in my phone (I saved it in there a couple of weeks ago just in case when there was a bit of a shitstorm brewing) and i'm tempted to contact her. But that would be a step too far, wouldn't it?

OP posts:
ItsRainingInBaltimore · 23/05/2015 14:12

Right. Enough of this doom and gloom talk. What is the nature of your disability if you don't mind me asking? How able bodied are you, and what kind of jobs are you physically capable of getting to, and carrying out?

What sort of experience did you gain in your volunteering role? What transferrable skills do you have?

ItsRainingInBaltimore · 23/05/2015 14:14

And don't go contacting her boss. There is nothing to be gained from it I am sure.

Do you want to tell us a bit about how/why you ended up having to leave and what she did that has upset you, or would you rather not?

Original poster
sherbetlemonD · 23/05/2015 14:40

She's manipulated me for a long time. I worked in one place with her and we got on really well. She approached me after I came into work hurt after a bad night with my parents and it kind of went on from there. I tried to take a back seat but she was continuously telling me that I was her friend and she would always be there for me when other people hurt me. She would slag people off behind their backs to me, leaving me unable to trust them and then lately she would openly in front me be all over them. I'd started overhearing her saying things about how shit I am at the job and then to my face again would be all over me telling me how good I am. She manipulated me to trust her, believe she was a friend and she's hurt me. A lot. But i'm regretting throwing the book in now because I have nothing Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
sherbetlemonD · 23/05/2015 14:42

I do have lots of transferable skills, I know I do. But its the bloody references stumbling block i'll have to get over and I can't see a way around it Sad

OP posts:
ItsRainingInBaltimore · 23/05/2015 14:50

Don't let the fear of the references stop you moving forward. just don't. Cross that bridge when you come to it. There must be someone else at the last place who can be approached for a reference other than her - what about HR, or her boss?

Original poster
sherbetlemonD · 23/05/2015 14:54

That is why I was going to contact her. Not to be nasty or vindictive but to see if she would be willing to confirm that yes I did work for the charity.

OP posts:
ItsRainingInBaltimore · 23/05/2015 14:57

yes do that.

bellathebluebell · 23/05/2015 14:58

Great advice from Gabilan. Sorry to hear about your horse...

It is very upsetting when someone you thought you could trust lets you down. It's okay to feel like that. What you have to do now is pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on. You should feel pleased that you have realised what is happening and are doing something about it.

Why don't you dip your toe in several volunteering opportunities? You can then see what fits and will have the potential for a couple of references.

Things feel hard at the moment but there is always a way...

Baaaaaaaaaaaa · 23/05/2015 15:50

Well you have nothing to lose by making the contact. Go for it!

Original poster
sherbetlemonD · 23/05/2015 16:55

Thanks everyone. Do you think I've made the right decision?

OP posts:
Icimoi · 23/05/2015 17:04

Don't confine yourself to looking for charity work: it pays badly and will leave you stuck at home. Go for those live-in jobs.