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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to live life to the full?

68 replies

AlmondAmy · 22/05/2015 23:31

DP is very sensible and likes to live life by the rules. I prefer to live day to day and make the most of each one. For example: last year he was here when we got the first snow of the year just before bedtime. The dc were super excited but he told them to calm down and go to bed. This year when the snow first came just before bedtime he wasn't here and the kids and I put our wellies over our pj's and had a fab time.

This week it's been sunny here so I've ignored the ironing and the dc and I have been out playing all day everyday. Yesterday we finished dinner and he started telling them to calm down etc but it was a lovely evening so I suggested the park so they could run off some steam. He huffed and puffed and it was like he was the tired grumpy toddler of the bunch.

I like the kids having great days everyday but he says he finds it too exhausting and pretty much said I make him sick because I always have time/energy for them. I also have time for him but he falls asleep by 10 despite doing about a tenth of what I do during the day. Aibu to want to live life without constraints?

OP posts:

hettie · 23/05/2015 00:01

Did he want kids? Did you discuss it? Did he really understand what it would be like and did he sign up for that?

Original poster

AlmondAmy · 23/05/2015 00:01

Exactly, Dowser. Anything could happen to any of us at any time and none of us will be laying on our death bed fondly recalling that early night we had when we could've been out having fun.

He loves his job but it isn't particularly tiring. He wasn't this way before kids - he always had energy to go out/drink together/stay up having sex.

OP posts:

26Point2Miles · 23/05/2015 00:06

Yeah but I know from your previous posts there's a hell of a lot going on with ex's and stepchildren and SN diagnosis etc etc.... Sounds like he could be struggling with it all. And here you are dismissing him as boring?

Original poster

AlmondAmy · 23/05/2015 00:07

Yes he wanted kids but he has different ideas about parenting. He had 2 dc before we met whom he was happy to put to bed with crisps, fizzy drink in a baby bottle and a film up to 3/4 yrs old and so on. I parented my daughter pretty much the polar opposite way which he saidhe admired but now ddoesn't seem so keen now he's living it with our dc.

OP posts:

Original poster

AlmondAmy · 23/05/2015 00:09

He doesn't deal with any of that though 26.

OP posts:

AuntyMag10 · 23/05/2015 00:09

So you knew he was like this before you had kids with him and still went ahead and now complaining?

MargoReadbetter · 23/05/2015 00:16

Sounds like he was the 'fun' guy once (crisps, TV) and not sensible and playing by the rules as in your first post. What happened in-between? I wager he's tired or has things on his mind he's worried about.

Plumpeduppillows · 23/05/2015 00:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TummyButtonFluff · 23/05/2015 00:30

He sounds tired. Some people are. You're not - great, dobyour stuff without being competitive.

TummyButtonFluff · 23/05/2015 00:31

*do your

Fatmomma99 · 23/05/2015 00:37

Ok. Not to be judgy. (FIRMLY tucking judgy pants between my buttocks) But you post kind-of says "hey, don't you all agree with me... look at how GREAT I am? And at the same time, "let's flame him..."
So I agree with the PP (plump?) who said your post was quite biased.

However, I DO get it. I am that parent that does things (often spontaneously) with DD, whilst when DH is in charge they watch a film. He is a GREAT parent, and DD adores him - which is super. But in the meantime, she does around 12 extra curricular activities a week, and he doesn't drive, so I facilitate them all. And HIS idea of childcare is to sit on his arse, and MINE is to give and facilitate opportunities. (I'm fine about it, until he boasts to the entire family about the ONE activity he meets her from and cycles home with her - because I'm at my exercise class, having got her there in the first place with her bloody bike in the back of the car, and he told friends that her activities were 50/50 facilitated and when I said "REALLY????" (not wanting to make a fuss in front of friends) he said "well, you do lift shares with other mums" Oh, so that doesn't count, then!!! (insert emoticon for outraged face!)

But I think it MAKES childhood to grab things (i.e. It's snowing... do you know what a 'snow angle is? let's go and make one' (which is a thing we did).

Your DC will remember what you gave them, so don't stop doing that.

I'm a bit of a believer in not trying to change people, but accepting who they are, so let your DP be who he is, and trust there is enough balance between you to give your DC a rounded childhood.

Good luck (p.s. I don't think YARU!)

Feminine · 23/05/2015 06:41

Have you considered that your 'energy' is wearing him out?
I must confess just reading your posts made me tired!
Is there is also the possibility that you are an extrovert, him introvert?
You will both need to recharge differently in that case. The fact (l think) you said it makes him "sick" illustrates it further.
You sound a really fun mum, but l would suggest that children don't need to be on the move 24 hrs a day.
Down, peaceful time is also wonderful for making memories. :)

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 23/05/2015 06:47

This alone doesnt make him a bed person though OP. I wouldnt fancy stripping to myunderwear and playing in fountains but DH would so theyd all do that and id be on the side watching or fetching the blankeys from the car (that I remembered to pack nit dh!)

Theres still a time and a place for the "boring" parent.

londonrach · 23/05/2015 07:09

What normal heathy man goes to bed same time as his children. He sounds either depressed or very tried. You say he does nothing during the day. Is he at work or sitting onhis bottom watching tv. If at work you no idea what hes doing during the day. If on his bottom he needs to see gp as he sounds depressed. Its not a competition re doing things like you suggest. Some people have more engery than others. Not sure id be up for stripping down to underwear but each to their own. Id be worried about someone seeing me in my underwear and being stupidly sensible how everyone would get dry. (Remembers jumper being used to dry little feet once who decided on cold day to jump in a wet puddle and the resulting tears and aftermath).

niceupthedance · 23/05/2015 07:15

Um, not everyone thinks playing with kids is fun.

ohtheholidays · 23/05/2015 07:40

YANBU!

That's how I parent and believe me your children will remember Our oldest son's are now 19 and 16(nearly 17)and they constantly recall things like that that I did with them when they were tiny.

We have 5DC and I'm very lucky I have an amazing relationship with them all and with all they're friends.And I am sure it's because of the way I've parented.

VelvetRose · 23/05/2015 08:03

I can see why this would be frustrating and I don't agree it's fine for him to never play with them because he finds it boring or whatever. He chose to have children and interacting with them is part of parenting. That said we are all different. I never enjoyed board games or role play with dd but love going to the park, making things, cooking, dancing and singing..

I'd have a calm, friendly talk about it with him. Say that you wondered if there was any particular activity he'd enjoy doing with the kids because you know how much they'd love it. Moaning at him for being boring (although understandable) will probably just make him dig his heels in further!

CrabbyTheCrabster · 23/05/2015 08:06

YANBU to want to live life however you like, but YABU to insist he does the same and expect him to be something he's not.

He sounds tired and lacking in energy, and like someone who doesn't enjoy over-excited children leaping around when they should be winding down for bed. I'm with him on that, I'm afraid.

VelvetRose · 23/05/2015 08:10

Having said that op, my parents were very, very boring in that respect. I can't recall a single time we did something crazy or spontaneous. We went in holiday once! But, they are the loveliest parents, supportive at all times and unbelievably kind and helpful. Plus, now that they have more time and energy they do enjoy doing more and delight in their grandchildren so it's not all about being wacky and energetic even though you and I might enjoy being so!!

ilovesooty · 23/05/2015 08:12

Having looked at your other posts there seems to be a lot of complex stuff going on. Have you sat down and had an open adult discussion about the dynamics of your family and how you're both feeling? I don't think you'll find a way forward that's positive for all of you until that happens.

BathtimeFunkster · 23/05/2015 08:18

I think you sound exhausting and like you get your ideas for "spontaneous" things from things you've seen on telly.

I would hate it if DH wanted to get the children all fired up just before bedtime on a weekend night.

I am the last person to say the person at home should be the drudge, but I don't think some sunshine is a rare enough even to slack off for days at a time when your partner is at work.

I think the best thing a parent can offer their children is stability and clear boundaries.

Doing fun things on the spur of the moment is nice, but it doesn't imply your life is fuller or more meaningful than anyone else's.

VelvetRose · 23/05/2015 08:21

That's true BathTime, does your DH support you and the kids in other ways op? Is he reliable and kind and maybe very organised?

MagelanicClouds · 23/05/2015 09:26

My parents were definitely of the 'let's be sensible' brigade and it got solo dull. We did go on holiday most summers - to the Lake District. Yes, a beautiful part of the country, but every single year and some years it was hill walking every day and nothing else. Dull. We never did anything spontaneous. We hardly ever went out at all.
I try and be a lot more spontaneous and fun with my children but I am well aware that I have a finite amount of energy and time and there are things that I have to get done regardless. We might well take a day trip on a lovely day in the week in the full knowledge that the following day we will be at home and I will expect my older child to help me catch up on some of the chores we are now behind on. I see it as a balance.
DH does some spontaneous things with the children, but I am well aware he works long hours and gets very tired in the evening so just doesn't have the energy for the more full on kinds of play.
Is there perhaps something your DH is very stressed and worried about?

Charis1 · 23/05/2015 09:52

It is impossible to tell from your posts.

maybe you are a thoughtful involved mother constructively engaging your children, or maybe you are disorganised and manic, and your children are riotous and undisciplined, and have not developed the attention span to actually appreciate and benefit from activities anyway.

Marshy · 23/05/2015 10:08

Isn't it ok to have up time and down time with children?

Fun though I'm sure it was, if every minute of the day was spent stripping off and running into fountains and the like life would be scarily unpredictable.

I don't think either of you are doing anything wrong. The issue is that you are not resolving your disagreement about this and that won't be great for the dc

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