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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have called my mother ignorant and uneducated?

83 replies

NomiMalone · 22/05/2015 10:52

And have told her that her offensive views are not welcome in my home?

They only arrived this morning FFS.

Subject came up of the bakery in N.I. (where we're from) that refused to make a cake that had a pro-gay marriage slogan.

According to my mother the bakery were in the right. Being gay is a choice, most gay people are just saying they are for attention and it's completely unnatural.

WIBU to lose it with her?

OP posts:

MitzyLeFrouf · 22/05/2015 11:28

'Wagon' is a Dublin thing.

OpheliaBitz · 22/05/2015 11:30

peggy, a pub can refuse to serve a customer if they are intoxicated or disruptive. I don't think they'd get very far if they tried to refuse a man who ordered a Bacardi and coke... (Not that I think for a second that all gay men drink Bacardi and coke, but I have Little Britain running through my head at the mo)

Hippymama1 · 22/05/2015 11:30

YANBU.

MrsHathaway · 22/05/2015 11:38

Being gay is a choice, most gay people are just saying they are for attention

This argument baffles me. Given the attention that homosexuality tends to attract, WHY THE FUCK would you make that choice?

OP, if you were able to say calmly that you support the legal judgement and cannot tolerate homophobia or other (illegal) discrimination in your house, then YANBU.

Even in extreme cases I'm cringing at the idea of calling my mother ignorant or uneducated even where it would be accurate. It's more likely to happen with FIL because he believes the Daily Mail but there's still a level of respect between us that would prevent an all-out slanging match.

Original poster

NomiMalone · 22/05/2015 11:42

It wasn't a slanging match.

I firmly told her she was wrong and that if she genuinely believed that being gay was a choice then she was truly ignorant and uneducated.

I totally stand by what I said. I don't want a fight but I cannot sit quietly while such dangerous nonsense is being peddled in front of my DS.

OP posts:

Theknacktoflying · 22/05/2015 11:48

It is an odd one - I would take my kids up shoukd they spout opinions that I think are offensive, racist or homophobic. However, my MIL is incredibly bad and yet I never woukd dream of telling her off - why?? I don't know if it is just because I don't really care for her but I do care for my kids or if it is just a case of picking battles...

Also - it is a azing just how accepting our parents generation have come .... They may not like it, but it has happened.

Perhaps a conversation and a chat with a parent rather than going off on one - nicey, nicey ...

Mamus · 22/05/2015 11:48

YANBU, I'd have been much much harsher. 'Shut the fuck up or fuck the fuck off' springs to mind (although truthfully I can't actually imagine saying that to my mum... Mind you she doesn't spout hatred and bigotry.)

BerryMood · 22/05/2015 11:51

YABU. My mum is the same as yours re her views on gay people and even age. And we had this conversation about gays. I would never say she is ignorant/uneducated out of respect for her. She is my mum and sacrificed a lot for me and always has my best interests at heart so whatever her views on whatever subject I will always treat her with respect. I simply agree to disagree.

blueskydrinking79 · 22/05/2015 11:54

God, are we sisters? My mum just visited and dh and I were constantly biting our tongues. Pretty sure she's voting no today. I found it very sad to notice the change in her, I don't remember her being so intolerant and narrow minded.

I'm reminded how much I love the term wagon. Must bring it back into my vocab. That and Langer.

MrsHathaway · 22/05/2015 12:08

I firmly told her she was wrong and that if she genuinely believed that being gay was a choice then she was truly ignorant and uneducated.

Then YANBU and a better person than I am!

BerryMood · 22/05/2015 12:10

It's important to remember that our parents are the product of their generation and invironment (as we all are) and as the years pass people become less flexible and less likely to change their views so we need to be a bit more tolerant towards them. Plus if the children more educated/knowledgable than their parents it's a good thing, it's called progress. No need to insult your mum.

PrivatePike · 22/05/2015 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

NomiMalone · 22/05/2015 12:12

As I've already explained Berry my mum isn't old and isn't part of the generation of people who traditionally think like that.

Age is no excuse for bigotry and, imo, we should always challenge unacceptable beliefs.

OP posts:

MitzyLeFrouf · 22/05/2015 12:13

What rubbish Berry. As though bigoted beliefs are things that are set in stone. No one is ever too old to open their mind.

Many older people voting Yes in the Irish referendum have admitted that as recently as ten years ago they would have more than likely voted No to gay marriage.

coolaschmoola · 22/05/2015 12:20

If she's always held these views then obviously it's not an age thing. My mum isn't bigoted towards any group but her tact is declining as her years increase.

Theknacktoflying · 22/05/2015 12:22

Berry - I agree with you!

Yes all well and good to question everything and let nothing pass that you find offensive or bigotted. However in the 1960s ideas were changing too. I think calling your mother ignorant and uneducated was harsh.

You obviously are looking for vindication for being an arse to your mum.

MitzyLeFrouf · 22/05/2015 12:25

Her mother is 59 years old. 59 is not old.

Clearly it's her mother who is the arse.

OnlyLovers · 22/05/2015 12:26

You obviously are looking for vindication for being an arse to your mum.

What rubbish.

OhNoNotMyBaby · 22/05/2015 12:27

Berry well said. My eldest has just upset me massively and long-term by calling me toxic and more stuff I won't go into here. I now feel permanently distanced from her and her lack of respect, love and tolerance is devastating.

Can we have a little understanding and tolerance? She's your mum OP. OK she might not be as educated as you but there's no need to rub her face in it.

MrsHathaway · 22/05/2015 12:28

My mother is a little older than OP's. She is very cool with others' sexuality, including spending months telling me about knitting for a friend's bump and only after weeks of this I realised the pregnant woman is married to another woman.

But nonetheless she holds some very old-fashioned views on mental health.

People can have blind spots regardless of age and upbringing. I wonder what mine is?

Theknacktoflying · 22/05/2015 12:32

why does the term 'pyrrhic victory' come to mind?

I doubt being shouted at by her daughter is going to change her mind
She has come for a visit and told she is thick and ignorant and an arse by a bunch of faces on an internet forum

But at least she isn't old ....

PrivatePike · 22/05/2015 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

NomiMalone · 22/05/2015 12:33

Why should someone get a free pass on being a bigot just because they're a mother?

I'm struggling to understand that. My mum is my mum. I'm thankful to her for bringing me up. But she is just as accountable for her words and actions as anyone else.

All of you saying I should let her away with it, would it be the same if she called my asian neighbours the 'p' word? Or my black neighbours the 'n' word?

Is that ok just because she's my mum and I should respect her?

I'd respect her a hell of a lot more if she didn't spout such unpleasant bollocks.

OP posts:

MitzyLeFrouf · 22/05/2015 12:33

She has come for a visit and told she is thick and ignorant and an arse by a bunch of faces on an internet forum

The poor lamb.

EllenWheels · 22/05/2015 12:35

Slightly off topic

Icimoi, did they refuse to serve because the customer was gay, or because of the design of the cake? Presumably they would have refused to make the same cake for a straight person (though how one would know if the customer was straight or gay is beyond me) and would be happy to make a "normal" cake for a gay person, so are they discriminating against the customer or against the cake? (I know they have been found against, so this is all semantics).

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