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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be on benefits

49 replies

AnyRailway · 20/05/2015 22:54

I have read so much benefits bashing on mumsnet recently. It has made me very sad, and I feel ashamed that I am not looking for a job at the moment.

I'll name change after this... My husband left in January after domestic violence. I was a childminder, but Ofsted have told me I must resign my registration because I was foolish enough to allow domestic violence in my home. My oldest child gets middle rate Disability Living Allowance (Women's Aid told me we could claim this) and my youngest child is only two years old.

We didn't claim any benefits before, but now we live on income support, carers allowance and child tax credit. I did worry that we would lose the house, but exH is paying child maintenance which means I can just abut pay the mortgage.

There was a job in a school that I could have applied for, but it would have been so difficult for my boys to go into childcare, after all they have been through in the last few months, especially given my eldest son's additional needs. I considered it very carefully, but decided my boys need me right now. My long term plan is to return to childminding, so that I can look after them at the same time as working. I am a good childminder, though I say so myself, and Ofsted are wrong about me not being able to safeguard children. I had a call from social services yesterday to say they are satisfied I have done everything possible to safeguard my own children.

This means that I need to claim benefits for at least a few months more. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
velocitykate · 20/05/2015 22:57

No. YANBU. Don't listen to Olivia whatever her name is

DoJo · 20/05/2015 23:00

YANBU - benefits are for when you need them, and providing security for them is the most important thing at the moment. It's not as though you are 'playing the system' - I'm sure you'd rather not be reliant on the state to support you - but there is no way you could have predicted that your circumstances would change so dramatically, and you need to do what you can to get back on your feet before you consider another upheaval in your sons' lives.

DoJo · 20/05/2015 23:02

'providing security for your children' is what I meant!

VanitasVanitatum · 20/05/2015 23:06

YANBU. At all. That's exactly what they're there for. You need a safety net right now and you shouldn't feel guilty for it. That's what society is about.

emmelinelucas · 20/05/2015 23:07

You know YANBU.
So why post here ? Do you want someone to offer an alternative viewpoint ?
Genuinely puzzled Confused

FloatIsRechargedNow · 20/05/2015 23:13

Of course you are not BU, feel no shame and feel no guilt. Focus on your dc and you as well as you have all been through a very difficult time. But keep sight of returning to childminding and don't resign as Ofsted insists but get some advice (I'm not sure where from but is there a local childminder group/source?) first about your position. Can you get support and references from your existing and recent clients?
I suggest this not because the alternative is benefits but because you enjoyed being a childminder and you were good at it so it seems a shame that you have to give up that positive side of your life

Anyway, it's hard and you have got it a bit harder than many, but you will make it through.

emilyharrymum · 20/05/2015 23:13

You're doing the right thing. They need their mum.The worrying thing about recent benefit caps/ cuts and also all these benefit tv shows is that it may put women in desperate situations off leaving their relationship. There's more shame associated with benefit s now, and it's by no means the financial safety net it once was. I bet a lot of women are putting up with abusive partners because llife on benefits is just too shot to contemplate under the Tories regime.

Original poster
AnyRailway · 20/05/2015 23:16

Emmeline, yes I do know I'm not being unreasonable. I suppose my motives for posting here are a bit confused. I want all those benefit bashers to realise that we are not all scroungers and just playing the system. I live in a neighbourhood where lots of people are on benefits, and I don't know even one scrounger.

And I want to know that mumsnet in general doesn't think I am a waste of space. I feel so crap when I read threads that tell me I shouldn't have had my children of I didn't know I was going to be able to support them myself.

OP posts:
MrsNextDoor · 20/05/2015 23:18

Emmeline Why shouldn't she post on here?? Because it makes people uncomfortable to see the realities of life on benefits and why people end up there?

MrsNextDoor · 20/05/2015 23:20

OP YANBU.

I work part time and if my DH were to leave me, I'd be on benefits. I couldn;t afford to make ends meet on my income. There's NOTHING wrong with your lifestyle at all....I hope you're all feeling ok.

PeggyCarter · 20/05/2015 23:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

26Point2Miles · 20/05/2015 23:27

When will you be moved onto JSA? Is it when youngest turns 3?

SommerenAldrigKommer · 20/05/2015 23:31

No you are not being unreasonable, and do not allow people who can't put themselves in others' shoes to judge you. Nobody with any emotional intelligence or empathy would judge you. If they do, they lack those two traits.

I was a ''scrounger'' for years too. I'm so relieved that the state looked after us when my children's father refused to. A civilised society will look after its vulnerable.

There are always going to be sun reader types who stand on the side lines bitching. Tune them out. Never defend yourself. Never explain. Never justify.

SommerenAldrigKommer · 20/05/2015 23:31

No you are not being unreasonable, and do not allow people who can't put themselves in others' shoes to judge you. Nobody with any emotional intelligence or empathy would judge you. If they do, they lack those two traits.

I was a ''scrounger'' for years too. I'm so relieved that the state looked after us when my children's father refused to. A civilised society will look after its vulnerable.

There are always going to be sun reader types who stand on the side lines bitching. Tune them out. Never defend yourself. Never explain. Never justify.

FannyPlant · 20/05/2015 23:32

YANBU. Fuck what other people think.

emmelinelucas · 20/05/2015 23:33

because, OP you are not a scrounger, or whatever people are called.
YANBU, by any means.
It is more of a CHAT or something. Tis all.

arethereanyleftatall · 20/05/2015 23:33

Yanbu x

SoozeyHoozey · 20/05/2015 23:34

Why does it matter what people think? The security blanket is there, you shouldn't be concerned with seeking validation /approval.

WalterMittyish · 20/05/2015 23:36

OP, you are most definitely not BU.

Please, please, please ignore every single syllable that ignorant, arrogant harpy posted. Not a clue, that one. Not. A. Clue. Flowers

stargazer2030 · 20/05/2015 23:36

Of course YANBU. Your main entitlement to benefit is as a carer for your child who receives DLA. You dont have to look for work as you are being paid as a carer (although you would probably do these things anyway) these benefits are there for a reason so don't ever feel guilty.

Original poster
AnyRailway · 20/05/2015 23:38

I won't be moved onto jsa while I am still a carer, and DS1's disability living allowance will be re-assessed in September next year. Hopefully by that time I should be working again, but will still be heavily dependent on top-ups I should think.

It scares me. I don't want to be the "undeserving poor ". What's more, living in the neighbourhood I am in, I know that the "undeserving poor" is pretty much a myth. Every family I know is working hard to do the best for their children. I don't know one single family who wants to rely on benefits, only families who have got trapped into it for various reasons, and are trying hard to get their own kids out of that cycle.

OP posts:
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 20/05/2015 23:38

You're not being unreasonable. People do what they have to in order to survive. No benefit bashing from me to you or anyone unfortunate to be put in the predicament of claiming benefits. Most people such as yourself have a bigger story than I couldn't be bothered !
You do not need to explain yourself to anyone. Certainly not closed minded judgemental benefits bashers who if karma has her beady eye on them (And she's got plenty of other smug folk) may have to succumb to benefits themselves one day!
You're not going to let your children starve just because people don't approve of benefit claimants. They'll have to like it or lump it.!!!!!!.
Worry about yourself and your children.!!!!!

SommerenAldrigKommer · 20/05/2015 23:40

""Why does it matter what people think? The security blanket is there, you shouldn't be concerned with seeking validation /approval."

True, but I think after an abusive relationship, people are particularly vulnerable to feeling judged. There can be a legacy of feeling like you're on trial. I had that for years after I left.

The truth is though that whilst I may have been judged by some I really, really doubt that those same people could have earned enough to run a household and paid for childcare all on their own. Not with a young child(ren).

Your financial circumstances, remember, in light of the fact that you're recently out of an abusive relationship it's particularly important to remember that you're not on trial and you don't owe full disclosure to anybody!

ouryve · 20/05/2015 23:40

Oh, good grief, of course, YANBU!

Ladymoods · 20/05/2015 23:44

This is the horrible reality of those of us who do genuinely claim benefits. I left my EA husband after 15 years and I now live with my two dc who he no longer sees, I work part time and I am also studying so that I can improve myself and hopefully become more self sufficient in the long run. But right now, I need some financial help. I have always worked and paid tax since I was 17 and I see benefits as a temporary measure.

Yet I have been called a scrounger, been told that I should work more hours (despite not having a huge support network to help with the kids) and am basically made to feel ashamed of my situation every single day either via media/social media or by the ignorant people who are sadly in my life.

OP, you don't have to explain yourself to anyone, it's people like you that the system is there for. You are putting your children first after what has been a difficult time for all of you. And you know what? If people don't like that, fuck 'em. X