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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be on benefits

49 replies

AnyRailway · 20/05/2015 22:54

I have read so much benefits bashing on mumsnet recently. It has made me very sad, and I feel ashamed that I am not looking for a job at the moment.

I'll name change after this... My husband left in January after domestic violence. I was a childminder, but Ofsted have told me I must resign my registration because I was foolish enough to allow domestic violence in my home. My oldest child gets middle rate Disability Living Allowance (Women's Aid told me we could claim this) and my youngest child is only two years old.

We didn't claim any benefits before, but now we live on income support, carers allowance and child tax credit. I did worry that we would lose the house, but exH is paying child maintenance which means I can just abut pay the mortgage.

There was a job in a school that I could have applied for, but it would have been so difficult for my boys to go into childcare, after all they have been through in the last few months, especially given my eldest son's additional needs. I considered it very carefully, but decided my boys need me right now. My long term plan is to return to childminding, so that I can look after them at the same time as working. I am a good childminder, though I say so myself, and Ofsted are wrong about me not being able to safeguard children. I had a call from social services yesterday to say they are satisfied I have done everything possible to safeguard my own children.

This means that I need to claim benefits for at least a few months more. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Aermingers · 20/05/2015 23:45

What? HE hit YOU, he is gone but you are not allowed to continue to be a childminder because of something someone who no longer lives with you did? What sort of fucked up logic is that? That's awful.

emmelinelucas · 20/05/2015 23:52

Did someone call me a harpy ?
Been called worse.

SommerenAldrigKommer · 20/05/2015 23:55

It's important to be kind to yourself after an abusive relationship. People say that and it's hard to know exactly what it means, I used to wonder at the time. But being kind to yourself could include not squaring up to put yourself in to the line of fire like this. Don't invite people to criticise you! It is a form of self-flagellation that is very typical following an abusive relationship.

Arsenic · 20/05/2015 23:55

YANBU

SommerenAldrigKommer · 20/05/2015 23:57

I know everybody has been kind to you thank goodness, on this thread, but I have also read some shocking views on mumsnet. Just tune them out. Don't waste your energy going on a mission to prove that you are reasonable to be on benefits (You are, you know it. That's enough).

I hope you understand me

Original poster

AnyRailway · 21/05/2015 00:04

Thank you all for what you have said, and I'm gutted that so many of you are in the same position and feeling judged.

Yes, I think that a civilised society should look after the most vulnerable, and I tell myself that I can't feel guilty because I would do anything to keep my children safe and housed.

Still, I do feel guilty... Maybe this is all part of the aftermath of abuse.

Maybe I shouldn't read mumsnet... There is so much benefit bashing on here. Not you lovely folk, but the ones on other threads who say that we should all get jobs even if we are in situations like mine, where the children need us, and the financial rewards are minimal in the short term.

I don't want to sit on a till in asda just to keep my hand in. That might be good for gdp in the short term, but would be very bad for my family. I want to return to the job I am good at, and that means claiming benefits for a bit.

Thank you all so much for telling me I am not being unreasonable. I really needed to hear that tonight

OP posts:

hobNong · 21/05/2015 00:08

Of course yanbu.

I can't believe that Ofsted are punishing you because of your violent ex husband! If he still lived with you I suppose I could understand why they have to be careful, but he's gone. That's really disgraceful!

Original poster

AnyRailway · 21/05/2015 00:14

Emmeline, please don't think anyone was calling you a harpy. That was a referenice to another thread.

Simmered, I hear what you are saying, and you are absolutely right! I shall go to bed and put this all behind me.

Bless you all a thousand times for being nice to me...

OP posts:

Original poster

AnyRailway · 21/05/2015 00:16

Sommeren..

OP posts:

emmelinelucas · 21/05/2015 00:20

I didn't mean to upset anyone (and I enjoy a good debate/bunfight). But AIBU well..it just didn't fit, because OP you knew you were not.

HelenaDove · 21/05/2015 00:30

OP You have nothing to feel guilty about. Re, the Ofsted thing. That is disgusting and one of the most outrageous yo instances of victim blaming i have ever heard of.

There is a website and campaign called everydayvictimblaming and if you wanted to you could contact them for support.

"allowing" domestic abuse in your home? This statement would not be used about any other crime. Absolutely disgusting attitude from Ofsted.

Felinealarmclock · 21/05/2015 00:40

I'm really horrified about Ofsted. You're a victim of a crime! Would they make you de-register if you were burgled?

GatoradeMeBitch · 21/05/2015 01:30

Of course YANBU

Triooooooooooo · 21/05/2015 01:40

Actually, as a carer you're classed as employed......you have your stamp paid and everyfink.

Don't be ashamed, and if people ask what you work as tell them you're a carer for young people with learning difficulties (( which is what I tell nosy parkers as it's true ))

AlpacaMyBags · 21/05/2015 02:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kiwiinkits · 21/05/2015 04:30

YANBU. That's what benefits are for.

Once your youngest is in school you should be back on your feet? I'm sure you'll do the right thing.

Nibledbyducks · 21/05/2015 06:57

You may be on benefits but you aren't unemployed, you're a carer. Carer's allowance is a very low wage bill for the tax payer compared to the cost of professional carers, You're saving the taxpayer money!

wildfox · 21/05/2015 09:18

Don't feel ashamed, you are a carer as pp have said and your son needs you at home. I've been on Carer's Allowance myself for 17 years as my DS gets highest rate DLA and I'm not ashamed - it's about being there for him and if I wasn't, it would cost a huge amount for the council to care for him. You won't have the same jobseeking pressure as other lone parents have - they can't make you undertake work related activity and you can stay on IS rather than JSA even once your youngest is at school.

The5DayChicken · 21/05/2015 10:09

YANBU. And I do think people need 'exposing' to situations like this (as in being told about them more frequently, not being put in the situation). I am also on benefits at the moment because of similar circumstances to yours (though the loss of my job came about in a different way). And I'm sick of being tarred with the scrounger brush because of views the media have carefully nurtured.

JessiePinkman · 21/05/2015 10:20

No benefits are there for people going through a hard time, they're not meant to be permanent. That's when people get cross about it, is permanently living off benefits & not even looking at other possibilities. But that's not what you are doing. Look after yourself & stop feeling guilty

NameChange30 · 21/05/2015 10:33

YANBU. As PPs have said, you're a carer, which is a very important and demanding job. You deserve the support you're getting through benefits.

I don't think you should resign or give up your licence as a childminder. Maybe Ofsted can't take your licence away and that's why they're pressuring you to give it up yourself? I think they're very wrong to do so. Is there a union for childminders that could advise you? If not you could ask ACAS or CAB.

Good luck OP. It sounds like you are doing the best for you and your children - for that you should be proud.

Dowser · 21/05/2015 11:18

I really feel for those who need to be on benefits . From where I'm looking at my relative it's certainly not a lifestyle choice. Recently widowed, son going through aggressive cancer treatment , carer for her mum and sn son I don't know how the poor woman is still standing let alone puts a smile on her face.

She jumps whenever those brown envelopes come through the door . So far they are never good news .
If I'm ever lucky enough to have a massive win on the lottery, she's the first person I would lift out of poverty .

Dowser · 21/05/2015 11:22

Quote

YANBU. And I do think people need 'exposing' to situations like this (as in being told about them more frequently, not being put in the situation). I am also on benefits at the moment because of similar circumstances to yours (though the loss of my job came about in a different way). And I'm sick of being tarred with the scrounger brush because of views the media have carefully nurtured.

It's the way we are being ppitted one against the other that upsets me.

Divide and conquer all right .. Anyone's situation can change on the turn of a sixpence.

The I'm alright Jacks need to remember this.

Signlake · 21/05/2015 11:39

Definitely not unreasonable OP. It shocks me how awful some people can be. I bet they'd be moaning more if they lost their job and suddenly benefits weren't there. It sounds like you've been through a tough time, try not to worry about what people think. Not that easy I know when benefit claimants are receiving negative press in the newspapers/TV every single day. It's disgusting

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