AIBU about this Marriage Care roleplay?

[DillyGently]

DP and I had to attend a Marriage Care course over the weekend (because we're getting married in a Catholic chuch)
Most of the day was about how important it is to communicate to make a marriage work. At the end, 2 volunteers (both late 50's) did a little mini sketch to show us bad examples and good examples of communication in a marriage:

Husband and Wife - Husband exclaims to Wife how he loves having steak (which she cooks for him) every Friday - mimes having just finished a steak dinner - he bangs on and on about how nice it is.

Wife sighs and says she just wishes they could do something different - she's bored having steak at home every Friday

Husband argues that he really, really likes steak every Friday

Wife suggests that one time, they go out for dinner instead?

Husband says no, that would be too expensive

Wife sighs and repeats that it would be nice to do something different, like maybe go on a break somewhere hot, or do something (anything) different to their routine

Husband announces that he has already booked their holiday to the Lake District, which is where they go every year

Wife sighs again and says it always rains and she'd much prefer to go somewhere hot

Husband says they can't go abroad as it's too much money and she already has a nice pair of wellies she can wear in the Lakes.

This continued for a bit, with the wife whinging and sighing and the Husband categorically rejecting everything she says until eventually H says:
'People are getting made redundant at work so we can't go out for dinner or on a different holiday as I'm worried about money'

Wife says 'oh you didn't tell me that', and the Husband and her go and watch TV.

AND THEN the two Marriage Care people broke out of their sketch, to APPLAUSE from the room and said
'So you see, with good communication, you can get to the underlying issues in a relationship'.
AND THAT WAS IT!!!

I could feel DP growing more tense next to me - I think he was waiting for me to actually remove my bra, set fire to it and throw it at the volunteers

AIBU to think what they displayed there was like something from the 50s where the man earns the money, makes the decisions and the wife puts up and shuts up (and cooks dinner)?!!

I couldn't help it - I said (politely) I didn't think it was good communication, the Wife basically just backed down and the Husband didn't listen to her needs at all

DP (god love him) then said (also politely) that if the Husband skipped his steak every Friday for a month, they could use the money saved (as steak is expensive) and spend it on eating out somewhere

The 2 volunteers were REALLY offended and explained why they were right for 10 minutes before it got really awkward and we just nodded and edged towards the door...

Is it just us? All the other couples said nothing - maybe they are more polite than me and DP?

I would have done the same! And I'm pretty sure my husband would have been wearing the same expression of fear!

Oh PS - the reason I added that the volunteers were in their late 50s is because they had been married for 30+ years (not to each other), as had all the other volunteers.

I can't help thinking (based on the people I know who have been married for a similar amount of time) that they are difficult for people of my generation to relate to e.g. my MIL was added to my FIL's passport when they were married. Like a child.

I suppose I just find it hard to believe that someone who got married in that era can advise how to make a marriage work today, when men and women are so much more equal...

YANBU but come on....it's the Catholic church! What do you expect?

If I were you,I'd offer to do some mini roleplays for future courses....then write some which are more equal.

Catholics are meant to eat fish on Fridays.

Pronl solved

Problem!

Gloopy thank God it's not just me!

DP thought I was wonderfully restrained - he knows exactly what would happen to his steak dinner if he came home and told me where we're spending out holiday...

And that is why you and your DP are going to have a happy marriage, because not only can you both see the bigger picture about saving and making sacrifices to make each other happy, but your DP is also on your side and backed you up when you challenged this crap!

Sounds like you are made for each other

To be fair to them: I expected a lot more emphasis on making babies (there was a table of baby-making info, and posters but they didn't focus on it too much)

I get the baby-making thing though. I get the whole Catholic Church message, but the advice didn't have to be so stupid.

I just don't understand why we couldn't have a volunteer who's been married for 4 years, had problems and can speak freely and advise about it, rather than someone who's been married 40 years SIMPLY because that was the done thing and a divorce would bring shame to the family.

Best advice of the day: if Wife is having a hard time being alone all day with a new baby whilst Husband is out at work, Husband and Wife should both get part time jobs. Alrighty then...

Aw thanks Amy!

Interestingly, he is by far the more religious of the two of us - he would actually be a very good volunteer - he's kind, patient, tolerant and not a massive hypocritical douchebag like so many people I've met through the church

Why are you getting married in a Catholic church? Im assuming you're not catholic or...?
Agree it sounds a bit daft

Oddly, when I got married, 30 years ago, way back then in the 1980s, I was the equal of my husband. Earned the same as he did, had lived independently for number of years, voted in my own name, was highly politically active, Greenham Common, CND, again all in my own name, even after I got married - by the way, no bras were burned, that was made up by the male journalists of the time to titillate and scare (pun wholly intended then as now).

Whilst I agree that the role play you saw was utter shite I just had to point out that you seem to think that people in there 50s were born in the 50s. We weren't. We were born into one of the more liberated decades, as in we were amongst the first to try out/normalise many of the lifestyle stuff you take for granted these days!

Controversially, we may have been more equal in some ways. I am sometimes gobsmacked by the actions of women these days... did I really march, chant, get ridiculed and spat at so that some silly girl can glue fake gems to her labia in order to be deemed attractive?

at our pre-marriage guidance, the minister said "right, we need to talk about sex and divorce" and proceeded to give us an hour long discourse on divorce and why it's sometimes necessary. He never did tell us about sex .

ARealPipperoo - it was exactly like Shirley Valentine!!

I'm not questioning marrying into RC Church - I've been through Catholic education, confirmation etc... but was lucky enough to have a mother who divorced my violent, abusive father so I always had a pretty unique outlook, as opposed to the more sheltered opinions of my RC friends.

Plus, I think they need more people like me sitting in the back, throwing the odd flaming bra into the mix if they ever hope to move with the times

Oh my goodness, you're better behaved than me! I probably wouldn't have argued but I can guarantee I would've got the giggles and ended up being thrown out!! Well done for saying something though, surely you can't be the only person to see through all that crap?

Can't get over the old fashioned views at that church! Surely they can't all be the same? I mean.....is there some sort of 'marriage curriculum' that has to be taught?

I can just imagine that scenario in my house, and it would be completely different. For a start, it would probably be:

DH: this steak tastes shit, let's order a pizza
Me: but I like Chinese
DH: cool, let's order both!

I just don't understand why we couldn't have a volunteer who's been married for 4 years, had problems and can speak freely and advise about it, rather than someone who's been married 40 years SIMPLY because that was the done thing and a divorce would bring shame to the family.

Presumably you get whoever volunteers! If they are giving up their own time in an attempt to make life easier (as they see if) for newly married couples, then they will model the relationship that has worked for them. I agree that this is not my idea of good communication, but it clearly does work for them and might work for others, so perhaps the fact that you and your husband-to-be agree on why it wasn't a good example is the lesson that you can take away from this class.

That is shite, and as you say sets up the man making all the decisions and the woman backing down.

We had to go to one of those courses in Denmark, though not Catholic. My Danish wasn't great, so 4 days later the crazy priest showed up on my doorstep with the marriage course dvds in English. Could you get hold of them? They're much more sensible, and actually about communication rather than outdated unequal gender norms.

So how did the volunteers explain that they were right ?

DH and I wanted to get married in our local church but were told we had to do the Alpha Course before we could do so. We declined and got married in the next Parish over.

Honestly, they really do struggle for volunteers. They're not turning away enthusiastic young people by the bucketload.

My mum is a marriage care volunteer. I think she understands that most of the couples on the course are there to tick a box and they take it all with a pinch of salt. I wasn't massively impressed when I went on my course. My husband, a committed atheist, LOVED it.

LazyLou - my grandma burned her bras. She then refused to wear one for years until she had kids and had boobs on her knees
My great grandma was mortified about it

You're right though, I may have misjudged the volunteers' DOBs - the two were married 40 years each. Assuming they got married when they were 16, I guessed 56 so 60s, not 50s.

I know there will be people who have been happily married for that long.
But I also know that the stigma of divorce for a lot of people was a big part of what made their marriage last.

I know several men of that era who sleep in separate beds to their wives, treat their wives as no more than skivvies and who they openly speak to like dirt but would tell you they would never get a divorce as they're 'too proud'

Maybe I'm misjudging them though. Maybe the wives all have secret vajazzles and don't mind skivvying all day as their husbands are fantastic in bed?

That sounds terrible! I'm not RC but DH is and we went on the marriage prep course.

It was fairly good actually at getting us talking about things, but was a hilarious video with a man and woman coming home after work and it went something like this*

Woman: You said you'd do the dishes

Man : Well, I didn't

Man: Anyway I hate your mother

*there may have been more to it but that's how I remember it anyway. Even the volunteers found it funny.

Can't get my head around eating steak on a Friday

They both sound like weirdos

Lets be honest as someone only a bit younger than the "volunteers":

1. I book the holidays after a discussion with DH.
2. If we did the same thing all the time I would go mad - thats the kind of thing my FIL did when he was 70+.
3. If steak and holidays are all you have to argue about then you have a pretty easy life.
4. I'm actually horrified by how backward a lot of young couples are, and how attitudes seem to have reversed - lots of my age didn't change name on marriage, certainly didn't become Mrs Husbandfirstname Husbandsurname.

Friends of mine run marriage courses in the C of E, and they are nothing like this...