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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about this Marriage Care roleplay?

58 replies

DillyGently · 20/05/2015 09:45

DP and I had to attend a Marriage Care course over the weekend (because we're getting married in a Catholic chuch)
Most of the day was about how important it is to communicate to make a marriage work. At the end, 2 volunteers (both late 50's) did a little mini sketch to show us bad examples and good examples of communication in a marriage:

Husband and Wife - Husband exclaims to Wife how he loves having steak (which she cooks for him) every Friday - mimes having just finished a steak dinner - he bangs on and on about how nice it is.

Wife sighs and says she just wishes they could do something different - she's bored having steak at home every Friday

Husband argues that he really, really likes steak every Friday

Wife suggests that one time, they go out for dinner instead?

Husband says no, that would be too expensive

Wife sighs and repeats that it would be nice to do something different, like maybe go on a break somewhere hot, or do something (anything) different to their routine

Husband announces that he has already booked their holiday to the Lake District, which is where they go every year

Wife sighs again and says it always rains and she'd much prefer to go somewhere hot

Husband says they can't go abroad as it's too much money and she already has a nice pair of wellies she can wear in the Lakes.

This continued for a bit, with the wife whinging and sighing and the Husband categorically rejecting everything she says until eventually H says:
'People are getting made redundant at work so we can't go out for dinner or on a different holiday as I'm worried about money'

Wife says 'oh you didn't tell me that', and the Husband and her go and watch TV.

AND THEN the two Marriage Care people broke out of their sketch, to APPLAUSE from the room and said
'So you see, with good communication, you can get to the underlying issues in a relationship'.
AND THAT WAS IT!!! Angry Shock

I could feel DP growing more tense next to me - I think he was waiting for me to actually remove my bra, set fire to it and throw it at the volunteers Grin

AIBU to think what they displayed there was like something from the 50s where the man earns the money, makes the decisions and the wife puts up and shuts up (and cooks dinner)?!!

I couldn't help it - I said (politely) I didn't think it was good communication, the Wife basically just backed down and the Husband didn't listen to her needs at all

DP (god love him) then said (also politely) that if the Husband skipped his steak every Friday for a month, they could use the money saved (as steak is expensive) and spend it on eating out somewhere

The 2 volunteers were REALLY offended and explained why they were right for 10 minutes before it got really awkward and we just nodded and edged towards the door...

Is it just us? All the other couples said nothing - maybe they are more polite than me and DP? Grin

OP posts:
FlaviaAlbia · 20/05/2015 10:23

Uh, I should clarify, it was funny because it the over acting was terrible, not because of the fighting!

silveracorn · 20/05/2015 10:25

YANBU.
TraceyBarlow - did your DH love it for all the wrong reasons? Like the wonderful ante-natal classes where they put massive emphasis on making some sandwiches for your DP as soon as your contractions start and 'popping them in the freezer' so he'll have something to eat while you're pushing.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 20/05/2015 10:26

I'd expect that from the Catholic church. It's not that long ago they removed 'obey' from the woman's part of the marriage vows.

DoctorDonnaNoble · 20/05/2015 10:27

Marriage Care was awful! We giggled our way through. DH is a trained negotiator!

Original poster
DillyGently · 20/05/2015 10:28

domino they said that it was the underlying issue of the husband being worried about being made redundant which was why he said no to the meal out and the holiday and that, had the wife not relentlessly talked to him about being bored, he would not have told her, so it was good that they communicated.

I don't think they actually got where I was coming from at all!

OP posts:
LadyCatherineDeTurd · 20/05/2015 10:34

Yanbu, it sounds like a bag of shite. Nothing wrong with saying something!

It certainly isn't because the Marriage Care course is Catholic either. I'm from what sounds like a similar Catholic background to you OP, that is cultural and non-believing, and when we did the course the better part of a decade ago there was nothing as backward as that. I remember feeling it was more progressive than I'd expected, in fact.

cosysocks · 20/05/2015 10:35

When we went on out marriage care course we both loved it. The volunteers were both very open and a lot of the content was on love. They got us to really think about why we're getting married. DH and I were a bit Hmm about attending however as DH said it made him feel more in love.
I would have also like you not have been able to stay quiet at that rubbish.

Original poster
DillyGently · 20/05/2015 10:38

mummy I honestly didn't mean to generalise that everyone of a certain age has that kind of marriage, obviously that's not the case.

It just grated on me that, the assumption was, if you've been married a long time, you've got a good marriage.

Especially as I believe what constitutes a 'good marriage' has certainly changed a lot over the years.

OP posts:
Icimoi · 20/05/2015 10:38

I can't help thinking (based on the people I know who have been married for a similar amount of time) that they are difficult for people of my generation to relate to e.g. my MIL was added to my FIL's passport when they were married. Like a child. I suppose I just find it hard to believe that someone who got married in that era can advise how to make a marriage work today, when men and women are so much more equal...

ODFOD. Do you seriously believe that people who got married in the 70s and 80s had no idea about equality? These were people who had gone through the age of tuning in and dropping out in the 60s, who were out on the picket lines supporting the miners, camping out at Greenham Common, with women busy becoming doctors, lawyers, accountants, business entrepreneurs etc all over the place. For goodness sake, my parents who got married in the late 1940s would never have behaved like the couple in this scenario, and my mother certainly wasn't on my father's passport.

ARealPipperoo · 20/05/2015 10:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Icimoi · 20/05/2015 10:42

I just wonder why, if the husband was that bothered about money, he couldn't meet his wife half way about the sodding steak and agree to a different menu. And, indeed, why the wife didn't suggest that he could have asked her before booking the Lake District, and point out that, even if they couldn't go abroad, there are other holiday destinations in the UK.

WannabeLaraCroft · 20/05/2015 10:42

Silver - WHAAAAAT? Shock

Original poster
DillyGently · 20/05/2015 10:43

Lady - I was surprised too.

There was some symbolic candle lighting, which I'm not a huge fan of, but given some of the utter rubbish I've heard from FIL and others in the past (in the name of being a good Catholic), I was very pleasantly surprised with the course as a whole, and the volunteers, apart from the role play obvs.

I always think that religion is a very personal thing - you can quietly ignore the bits that are complete bollocks if the overall message is one you believe in Grin

Appalled, by the way, at the freezing a sandwich nonsense silveracorn - did they actually tell you that?!

OP posts:
lunalovegood84 · 20/05/2015 10:49

I'd expect that from the Catholic church. It's not that long ago they removed 'obey' from the woman's part of the marriage vows.

That's completely incorrect. Obey has never been part of the Catholic wedding vows. Unlike CofE where as far as I know it's in them unless you opt out?

Original poster
DillyGently · 20/05/2015 10:52

Icimoi - no, I don't for a second believe that they had no idea about equality (I don't believe I said that anywhere...)

But I do think that times have changed and whilst there will be some people who have had 40 years of absolute blissful marriage and will be a brilliant resource to someone who's just about to get married, it's a bit much to have 5 people of the same age, having been married for the same amount of time, giving out such awful advice, whilst boasting that they've been married for 40 years.

Again, not generalising - my grandma is amazing - she ran the house, incl. all DIY, laying patios, converting stables etc... whilst my grandpa worked but she was by no means the 'little woman'

That said, she has also told my brother's GF (who has recently had their little boy) that, in her day, Bro's DF would have been sent to a facility discreetly as an unmarried pregnant woman, to have her baby away from prying eyes.

Grandparents also sent 3 daughters to state school and their only son to a private school which nearly bankrupted them, because he was 'the boy'

Just saying - times have been different in the past and what was often seen as 'the done thing' is now seen by many to be unacceptable.

OP posts:
mummytime · 20/05/2015 10:55

My favourite quote from a pregnancy book was about "not needing to leap out of bed to make husband's breakfast" when you had morning sickness.

CMOTDibbler · 20/05/2015 11:00

My parents were married in 1968 - for all their working years my mum was the higher earner (she did have a couple of years not working when my brother and I were born as no maternity leave at that time, but went back as soon as she could get childcare), did all the finances, decorated, and was certainly never subservient.

Anyway, the roleplay thing was rubbish. Friends went on a christian 'make your marriage stronger' weekend course, which appeared to be all about squashing your own feelings and needs, not about the basic of 'talk, talk, and then talk some more to your partner'.
In the given role play it should be 'I'm really worried about the redundancies at work' 'That must really be stressful, what can I do to help' 'I'd feel better if we did some budget cutting to have a little more savings' 'Ok, lets do the figures eh'

Icimoi · 20/05/2015 11:01

OP, you did say that in the 70s and 80s men and women were much less equal than they are today and therefore couldn't advise now about how to make a marriage last. But, absolutely, the advice being given in this role play was indeed awful.

lunalovegood84 · 20/05/2015 11:03

I used to read my mum's pregnancy books from the 80s. My favourite tip on time-saving with a new baby was "if your husband agrees, iron only the parts of his shirt that show". I don't know what's worse, the total omission of suggesting that the husband might be capable of ironing his own shirts, especially if he "disagrees", or the ridiculousness of the tip in the first place.

HemlockStarglimmer · 20/05/2015 11:12

To the best of my knowledge "obey" wasn't in the Catholic marriage vows. Years ago I asked my mother if she promised to obey my father when they got married and she said she didn't as they are Catholic. They've been married for 55 years.

LazyLouLou · 20/05/2015 11:16

womenshistory.about.com/od/mythsofwomenshistory/a/bra_burning.htm

Many women threw their bras away, especially in the 70s.

Honest.... I was there/then... it really did not happen!

And as I said, those much maligned 50 somethings were probably the very people who normalised today's 'done things'... all those years ago!

Original poster
DillyGently · 20/05/2015 11:17

Icimoi I didn't mention the 70s/80s (think that was someone else) but you're right - I am a terrible generaliser Grin

But then, lots of us are guilty of that (I have never had, nor do I know anyone who has a vajazzle, despite being of the TOWIE generation)

FWIW, I would have reacted in precisely the same way if that role play was performed by a couple who were my age.

I am interested about MIL being added to FIL's passport though - would like to know when that stopped being a thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
DillyGently · 20/05/2015 11:20

Lazy I'm not sure you can vouch for what did/did not happen all over the world to every single woman's bra at a certain time and the reasons behind it Hmm

OP posts:
LazyLouLou · 20/05/2015 11:24

That was me, and you did, you said the role players were in their 50s, married for abut 30 years.... so that would mean they were born in the 60s, married in the late 70s into the 80s!

Passport thing might have been because she was under 18/21 and could not travel on her own... that may only have gone in 50s/60s...

LazyLouLou · 20/05/2015 11:26

Dilly - you cannot ignore the writings of very many feminists and historians. The mass bra burning did not happen. Your nan may have chosen to burn hers, but not in the way you initially posted it - as a womens rights gesture as that gesture did not exist.

Marching, starvation, picketing yes, bra burning, no!