Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really annoyed by this managers comment?

30 replies

orangutanhihio · 18/05/2015 17:59

I was at my desk at work last week when a senior manager came into the office. It was early so not many other people around. We were speaking briefly and my pregnancy came up, he was surprised I hadn't changed my surname. I replied that I'm not married. He said 'oh, so you're just knocking out bastard children' (this is dc2).

I was annoyed and told him I chose not to be married, to which he replied 'oh well could be a millionaire but I chose not to be'. There was no humour in this conversation.

Aibu to think he's really rude? He's not British and I know in his culture unmarried parents are frowned upon, but I'm alarmed that someone in a position of power feels it's ok to spout these views. My friend said to go to HR but I suspect he'd only get a slap on the wrist and I'd be the one to suffer a reputation for complaining.

OP posts:
tobysmum77 · 18/05/2015 18:01

Shock you're absolutely sure he want joking?

Alexandpea · 18/05/2015 18:03

Technically he's right, but not exactly charming to say it to your face.

VixxFace · 18/05/2015 18:04

I definitely complain. How dare he call your children bastards

Stealthpolarbear · 18/05/2015 18:05

really rude and worrying

Hippymama1 · 18/05/2015 18:05

I would definatley go to HR - you have to complain... that's disgusting.

foraret · 18/05/2015 18:07

wow. That is outrageous

In my country the term "illegitimate" was removed from the constitution in 1986, so nearly 30 years ago, so, I give out to people for referring to children as illegitimate. I would definitely complain about bastard children. That's horrendous.

foraret · 18/05/2015 18:08

No Alex and pea, he is not technically right.

Hmm Confused
SolasEile · 18/05/2015 18:09

Definitely complain to HR, if you have a HR team. He shouldn't be making comments to you like that. Who gives a fuck what the mores are in his country? He doesn't live there, he lives in Britain so he needs to learn to get in line with local norms or at the very least keep his opinions to himself.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 18/05/2015 18:10

"Bastard children" aren't loved or treated any different to those with married parents. Report the dickhead. People always assume I'm married because I have a child and am currently pregnant it does my head in

Izzy24 · 18/05/2015 18:10

Blatant discrimination here.

And therefore will get a great deal more than a slap on the wrist for this. Definitely report.

PintOfJohnSmiths · 18/05/2015 18:10

Wow, id definitely be complaining! How fucking rude to say something like that Angry

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 18/05/2015 18:11

Straight to HR. That is abuse. He may still have outdated views but he should not be airing them.
All or if not most of the children I know including my own where all conceived out of wed lock.
Shock horror for him I'm ttc again. Not married no intentions.
And the baby will have my name.
Oh congratulations.

Original poster
orangutanhihio · 18/05/2015 18:15

He wasn't joking. I'm reluctant to go to HR as he'll get sent on a diversity course or something but I'll suffer repercussions I'm sure, he's well connected. I wish I'd had a better retort at the time.

OP posts:
JammyGeorge · 18/05/2015 18:15

He's a cheeky bastard that's for sure.

Did anyone else hear him say it? I've worked with some idiots over the years but my jaw is on the floor.

Homemadeapplepie · 18/05/2015 18:18

Wow what a charmer. I would speak to HR-he clearly thinks it is acceptable to say things like that and needs to be put straight.

spillyobeans · 18/05/2015 18:23

If ur hr doesnt take you seriously you can go to citizens advice or a tribunal as that is sexual descrimination and pregnancy related descrimination. Plus your hr should have a formal way of dealing with things like this such as a grievance meeting (where you are entitled to have an unbiast person acompany you). Hes way out of line and im actually shocked he said that to you

GERTI · 18/05/2015 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foraret · 18/05/2015 18:29

He needs to go on a course.

Even Pea's views annoy me intensely, saying "technically he is correct". That is wrong. Unless a there is a title to pass on, an unmarried father passes on property and assets in the same way. divorced fathers don't have to pay a higher percentage of their net income towards their children's maintenance than fathers who weren't married.

Original poster
orangutanhihio · 18/05/2015 19:03

Thanks. HR are very weak and I don't trust that I'd get any benefit from reporting him, only repercussions. I feel sorry for his wife, being married to such a prick!

I'd like to return to my job after maternity leave, so I think I'll make a note of any further comments he makes, I'm case he gets worse.

OP posts:
Jackieharris · 18/05/2015 19:09

Why an arse!

I'd normally say complain but you are in a precarious situation about to go on mat leave. So many women lose their jobs on/after mat leave so if I were you I'd be careful.

Take note of it for later reference but say nothing now.

Jackieharris · 18/05/2015 19:10

What obv not why

nornironrock · 18/05/2015 20:15

+1 here for a visit to hr... I'm a pretty traditional guy, so it's marriage then kids for me, but I also think you're spot on doing things the way you want.

Get this utter prick put in his place.

Andrewofgg · 18/05/2015 20:25

It's probably not "discrimination" in the legal sense - but it's crap management on the grand scale. Complain, of course. I can't get my head round what makes anyone say anything so crass - I'd have to guess he is in the wrong century (the nineteenth) and needs to be woken up.

Foraret Which country? The law in England and Wales was changed in 1987 so that the term "illegitimate" is no longer used - obviously it still is in ordinary language by a dwindling minority including Mr Tosser the Manager here.

Joshua Rozenberg remarked on the radio that he hoped Shakespeare would not be modernised because God stand up for persons whose parents were not married to each other at the time of their conception or birth did not have quite the same ring as God stand up for bastards!

JustAScreenName · 18/05/2015 20:38

Are you in a Union?

The "knocking out" comment makes me wonder if this is your second mat leave with this company, and whether they resent it. If you have any concerns at all about the security of your position there as you go on maternity leave, I think you absolutely should report to HR and make sure there is a written record of his comments on file.

They might think twice about trying to do you out of your position, if there is an official record that a senior manager has already behaved like such a sexist, judgemental, ignorant prick. Having such a record could keep you in the job until you leave on your own terms, or could come in very handy if there are 'repercussions' and you decide to take a claim.

Readingwritingandarithmetic · 18/05/2015 20:47

Bloody hell.....he needs a talking to on basic social skills.....

Swipe left for the next trending thread