Personal questions about money...

[MuffinToppedTrousers]

On Friday I got news that I have been offered a new job and I told my mum and dad today when I popped around for a coffee.

My dad asked what the salary would be and how that would stack up with our finances (plans to pay off mortgage, plans to retire etc.). I told him.

My mum was shocked and appalled that (1) my dad asked about the salary and our finances in general and (2) that I answered openly and honestly.

I told her she was BU and if I didn't want my dad to know I'd have told him to mind his own business. But she's adamant that I'm BU to even consider discussing finances with anyone but DH and even went as far as to say that I was being 'disrespectful' of DH by talking about it.

She's now in a massive huff with me- she's usually very rational and sane and lovely.

Please reassure me that I'm not BU am I? Or is it a massive faux pas to talk about finances? Mum and dad are still my family, it's not like I announced it in the pub over the karaoke machine or anthing.

Sorry this is a really shit AIBU but it's really knocked me sideways that my mum's really pissed off with me.

Someone give me a grip!

Not unreasonable. Your Mum has something on her mind, I'm guessing, and it's playing out here.
It felt Ok for you to do it.

YANBU. I am in a similar situation where I'm starting a new job soon. I have discussed the salary with my parents and don't see anything wrong with it. I have noticed there are a lot of people who don't like discussing money though.

I don't think you are being U

We openly talk finances/salaries with our adult children.

I can't see what you have done wrong?
If you're comfortable discussing it with your DF then that's fine.
YANBU

I'm with you - I wouldn't discuss it with anyone outside the family but would with my in-laws if DH was comfortable. I don't discuss it with my parents bu that's due to the (crap) relationship I have with them...

Neither is unreasonable in their thoughts, but you have your thoughts and opinions on discussing money so although your Mum could say she would not she should not tell you what to do or get in a pissy about it.
My Dad- never asks about money would not tell you what he was paid etc, Mum has no problem and nor do I.
We all just respect each others choices.

I only discuss finance with my OH. No-one else.

I reckon it's hit a nerve with your mum for other reasons. Fwiw I think it's crass to ask and crass to self proffer the info - but not to respond openly if you choose. And parents are still family in my book so don't count!
Get your mum some flowers - something else is going on

Maybe this has hit a nerve - perhaps your Mum is worried your DF might start telling other people or comparing you with your siblings or something, or has money issues of his own. Or maybe she is just in a bad mood!

I don't tend to discuss our finances except with DH, apart from in very general terms.

parents are family in my book too. My parents know how i'm doing but they wouldn't tell their friends any exact figures.

Strange reaction from your mum there. YOU and your dad were happy to discuss it so it's not for her to tell either of you that you were wrong.

Thanks for all your comments. Glad I wasn't BU. I'm going to call her tomorrow and see what's going on.

Having pondered on it, I suspect slightly that it might be that I earn significantly more than my brother who is my mum's favourite. And he's a man, which obviously means he should rightly, in the natural order of things, earn more than me .

ah! right. Or was he ''the clever one" and you were "the funny one" or something like that. And if a woman CAN earn more than a man, does that bring in to question her role? does it make it less certain that she made the right choices?

I honestly think part of the reason we're so inept at managing our finances is due to the fact that it's a tabu subject in our families. My parents' financial experience (good or bad) would have been an invaluable lesson, if only I wasn't repeatedly told to mind my own business.
The boys, however, got much more guidance.
It might be that crap again, with the girls not needing to fill their silly pretty little heads with financial savviness.
OP, I think you might be right, she's comparing the golden boy with 'the girl'

It's not all that long ago that husbands routinely didn't tell their wives how much they earned, and just handed over the housekeeping money once a week. It just wasn't the done thing to discuss it at all, and definitely not in 'polite company'.

Many older people might still think that earnings are highly personal and shouldn't be discussed (a bit like the 'never ask a woman her age' thing).

Agree with Taxi, OP it sounds like a generational thing, does that sound feasible for your mum?

YANBU - I have told my parents in the past when they have asked - I don't have a problem with that at all. I wouldn't just tell anyone - depends on their motives really. I didn't tell my nosey uncle nor DH's friend when they asked - not after they were rude to us. Funny enough, I didn't disclose to my MIL either since she made some scathing remarks too.

That does sound a bit odd.

I've been known to discuss finances with my parents. I guess I might not if we were in a very different financial circumstance iyswim.

How odd. My parents ask me about my wages and if we manage financially (mostly because they still think I'm 12 and need help from mummy and daddy), I never had a problem answering honestly. Why should I? They are my parents and we are close.

I don't think your dad was wrong to ask, and you weren't wrong to tell him, if you didn't mind. But, people are funny about money.

I would happily talk to my dad about finances and money, and I do.

He then without fail, when we are discussing something several days/weeks later, will revise my salary/property value/savings amount upwards...

My dad, my brother, my OH and his parents all know about our financial situation, if you don't mind telling, it's not anyone elses problem.

Goodness. My dad had a big hand in managing my money when I got my first job out of business school. He told me what percent to contribute to my 401K, did my taxes, told me what to do with my employee stock plan, etc.

He had a lifetime of experience and was looking out for my best interests. Why not?

How odd.

My family is open about finances but my ILs are very secretive. If they're buying a new car they won't tell anyone, and when they sold their house and moved to a bungalow twice the size and price of their old one they didn't tell a soul that they were moving, people only found out when they handed out change of address cards! Their reasoning is 'we don't want people thinking we have money'

Allgunsblazing My parents would not discuss how much they earned, ever. This was considered private. It wasn't a boy/girl thing, just not the sort of information one would share. Now I can manage my money OK, but I think I might have been more 'savvy' about financial expectations if earnings had been a topic open for discussion. My DM was shocked that we knew how much our friends had paid for their homes, even that was taboo.