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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to bring baby to see friends when one has recently miscarried?

42 replies

SazMcStan · 18/05/2015 16:36

I need a bit of advice...I am due to meet up with friends from work one evening this week but my partner is working so I have to take baby along. It has been planned for a couple of weeks and they know that I have to bring my LO. One of the girls going has recently had a miscarriage but hasn't actually told me. I think that she would have done if we were still working together but we've only spoke over text a few times since I've gone off on mat leave.

I also had a miscarriage a couple of years ago and couldn't be around babies for months after, I even quit my job working with children to work in an office because it was so hard for me.

I really don't want to upset her by turning up with him but also don't want to cancel seeing everybody as its taken a couple of months to finally arrange a night we're all free.

OP posts:
Tequilashotsfor1 · 18/05/2015 16:39

I wouldn't take the baby, it's Probally still very raw for her.

I don't take dd out with me on lunch dates as it changes the tone of the meet up and dd ends up dominating the topic of conversation.

I wouldn't want to do that to one of my friends that had just miscarriaged

Nanny0gg · 18/05/2015 16:46

You know how you felt (and I'm sorry for your loss), so I'm not sure why you're asking really.

Don't go.

jimijack · 18/05/2015 16:46

I agree with Tequila, is there no one that can watch baby for a couple of hours?
I wouldn't take baby with me for the reasons given, not least because it's traumatic as you described how you felt after your mc.

Theycallmemellowjello · 18/05/2015 16:46

I think you should make sure she knows you'll be there with baby and she can make her own decision.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 18/05/2015 16:46

I'd argue that you're not free anymore, you're looking after your baby. I think you have to cancel and explain why. If she'd be ok with you bringing the baby then she can say so.

pocketsized · 18/05/2015 16:50

I think that as long as she knows well on advance that you will have LO with you she can make her own decision. I have m
Had a number of mc's and I wouldn't have wanted someone to have assumed that I didn't want to see them. Whilst I found babies tricky for a while, I still was happy for my friends and wouldn't have wanted the meet up cancelled on my account.

WorraLiberty · 18/05/2015 16:54

Could you ask whoever told you about the miscarriage, to check with her and see if she'll be ok?

Original poster
SazMcStan · 18/05/2015 16:55

Thank you :)
The friend who told me what happened is taking her daughter along, as are some of the others but I'm the only one with a 'baby' baby. She seems to think it's ok that we come along as the majority of us will have our kids there. I should have said that it's one of those pubs with a play area in where we're meeting up.

I've text the friend and asked her how things are to see if she would say anything but she hasn't mentioned it and just said that she's looking forward to seeing me without a huge bump as I've not had the chance to get up and see everyone since having the baby. We get along well and were really close before I took on a new role which meant I moved to a different floor. She was the first person I told in work about me being pregnant (I literally peed on the stick, called my partner and walked back in to our office and showed her!) I think she's keeping quiet because she knows I wouldn't want to upset her!

It's an hour and half drive from where I live so leaving the baby at home isn't really an option even if his dad was at home. I'm still breastfeeding but have just started to express. Even if we managed to arrange another get together in the next month or so I'd still probably have to bring him along.

OP posts:
Breadrocks · 18/05/2015 17:04

I've had a mc in the past and it didn't bother me in the slightest being around other peoples babies. You're trying to be sensitive, but a lot of assumptions are being made about how she feels about it.
Personally, if it was me I would be pissed off that you knew without me telling you (not your fault I realise), and that I was being patronised by you staying away from a meet up because of my perceived trauma.

Just my opinion, but I think she's a grown woman, if she knows children and babies are going, leave it up to her to decide whether she wants to go or not.

But yanbu to consider her feelings, you're obviously a nice person trying to do the right thing

Floggingmolly · 18/05/2015 17:11

No, don't. Let her visit you when she feels able. And don't put her on the spot by asking if it's ok; she probably won't feel she can say no with any dignity.

hotdogsandmustard · 18/05/2015 17:12

I think you should take the lead from her

He is expecting to see your baby and hasn't said anything

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 18/05/2015 17:13

I had a FT SB and, actually, I still wanted to be around babies, as I had always loved them. Other people were odd about it, though, which made me uncomfortable. Personally, I preferred it when someone asked whether or not I minded, rather than making assumptions on my behalf.

PicaK · 18/05/2015 17:19

Go. So long as she knows baby is coming it's fine. So long as you're not thrusting baby in her face, waxing lyrical about how having a baby has made you whole etc etc it'll be ok. You know how it is - some days are better than others. It's the unexpected stuff that takes the wind out of your sails. If you have a fit cos she drops out at last minute then yabu.

PurpleDaisies · 18/05/2015 17:23

As long as she knows in advance you will be there with the baby I don't think you need to leave the baby at home.

Everyone reacts to these things differently. I knew (and was) upset seeing friends with babies but plastered on a fake smile and tried to be normal. I would have hated people treating me differently. If she hasn't told you about the miscarriage it sounds like she wants to carry on as normal even if she is feeling sad inside.

It is really lovely you are concerned about your friend. Unless she's told you (or another friend) she doesn't want you to I'd take the baby.

AuntieDee · 18/05/2015 17:28

From a recently miscarried perspective - I've found it hurtful that pregnant friends and friends with babies have avoided me. I know they are only trying to protect my feelings but it still makes me sad...

Toofat2BtheFly · 18/05/2015 17:32

I've had TTC issues ,numerous MCs and never once have other peoples babies upset me ... I didn't want their babies , I wanted my own ! My fertility and others peoples fertilty were 2 seperate subject in my mind .

As long as the person knows you are bringing the baby , then I would leave it up to her to decide if she wants to attend .

It's lovely you are considering her feelings , your a nice friend .

hestialou · 18/05/2015 17:32

Different people act differently, I was fine seeing baby's, but not hearing other people expecting. If she has said shes looking forward to seeing you without a bump id take it as a green light to take baby.

sebsmummy1 · 18/05/2015 17:36

You may find the friend who has tragically miscarried may bail out at the last minute, so if you have been given the green light by all, go by all means.

viva100 · 18/05/2015 17:39

YANBU She knows you're bringing the baby and she can decide for herself. It's not just the two of you going, it's a group. It would be very different if you were only visiting her. And I if I were her and I were to hear that you didn't come because of me I would feel bad and maybe even a bit offended.

Alisvolatpropiis · 18/05/2015 17:42

I don't think you're unreasonable to go, she knows that you're bringing the baby?

bigbumtheory · 18/05/2015 17:45

YANBU, If she knows then she can decide for herself. I would probably make it clear in the texts that you are bringing the baby though so she's fully in the understanding.

While I couldn't see tiny babies, my friend who miscarried before me was fine with it and found comfort in her friends kids- one of which was only a few weeks old- so everyone is different.So long as she knows and it isn't a surprise then let her choose for herself. She may come or she may cancel at the last minute because the grief hits hard.

It's lovely that you are sensitive to her grief though because many are so very insensitive.

DinosaursRoar · 18/05/2015 17:57

I was fine to be round other people's babies after my MC, but everyone is different.

If she's not told you herself, then she might not be happy to talk to you about it as you have a little one, it could well be that she'll make excuses and not come along, make sure it's clear to her in advance you will be bringing your DC and there's a chance on the day she'll be 'ill'.

kilmuir · 18/05/2015 18:00

i have had numerous miscarriages. I would have loved to have met a friends new baby. i always felt that my loss should not affect others good news. I would hope they would be pleased to meet my baby when it was my turn.
Miscarriage is sadly very common, could be others there who have had a loss as well.

Original poster
SazMcStan · 18/05/2015 18:10

Thanks for your help everyone! It makes me so sad to see that so many others have been through this and I am sorry for everyone's loss.

I think I'm going to go along and hopefully see her. The friend who told me about the miscarriage just assumed I knew and then did feel awful for saying anything to me about it. It happened the week I had my baby and I think she would have told me had it not have happened when it did. She was supposed to visit a couple of weeks later but we were in hospital again so had to cancel on her. She knows that he is coming along and has just text to say she's excited to meet him. I didn't want to be patronising or offensive in thinking that I know how she feels better than she does and stay at home. We'll go and see everyone and take cues from her.

Thanks for the advice :)

OP posts:
bigbumtheory · 18/05/2015 18:12

Good luck, hopefully you'll be able to see your friend.

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