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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to bring baby to see friends when one has recently miscarried?

42 replies

SazMcStan · 18/05/2015 16:36

I need a bit of advice...I am due to meet up with friends from work one evening this week but my partner is working so I have to take baby along. It has been planned for a couple of weeks and they know that I have to bring my LO. One of the girls going has recently had a miscarriage but hasn't actually told me. I think that she would have done if we were still working together but we've only spoke over text a few times since I've gone off on mat leave.

I also had a miscarriage a couple of years ago and couldn't be around babies for months after, I even quit my job working with children to work in an office because it was so hard for me.

I really don't want to upset her by turning up with him but also don't want to cancel seeing everybody as its taken a couple of months to finally arrange a night we're all free.

OP posts:
ChatEnOeuf · 18/05/2015 18:21

Yes, go. She's excited to meet him. Cuddling little tinies helped me cope with my MCs better (good job, I work with them!).

Totality22 · 18/05/2015 18:29

I had a beautiful nephew born just a few days after my (1st) miscarriage. Didn't bother me a hoot to see him. I found cuddles with him quite soothing actually BUT he is my nephew. Not sure I'd have felt the same about a "random" baby?

I would message whoever told you about the miscarriage and ask them to ask the lady directly if she is going to be upset if you bring the baby.

Slightly off topic but I think it's odd to have an evening meet up that includes kids at all to be honest - I note that another woman is taking her child as well?

Happybodybunny12 · 18/05/2015 18:30

You sound lovely op and hope you all enjoy the meet up.

I think Fat hit the nail on the head with 'she didn't envy or want anyone else's baby just her own'

Doobydoo · 18/05/2015 18:40

Tricky one op. My daughter died 2 weeks after her birth. I was really pleased when my friend brought around her dd who was 1 week older.

KPlunk · 18/05/2015 18:41

I had a MC and it didn't bother me at all to see other peoples babies. I wasn't even that upset. Everyone reacts differently

Doobydoo · 18/05/2015 18:48

Agree with Fat

Pseudo341 · 18/05/2015 18:56

I had my second consecutive mc on a Monday then went to dinner Thursday evening with a group of friends two of whom made their excited pregnancy announcements (neither knew about my mc). It was hard but I was still thrilled for them. I was expecting the announcement, we were all trying, so I'd have avoided going if I thought it would be too upsetting. It sounds like your friend has had plenty of notice and hasn't made an excuse to get out of it so I wouldn't worry. Are you close enough to ask her directly?

Pseudo341 · 18/05/2015 19:00

I had my second consecutive mc on a Monday then went to dinner Thursday evening with a group of friends two of whom made their excited pregnancy announcements (neither knew about my mc). It was hard but I was still thrilled for them. I was expecting the announcement, we were all trying, so I'd have avoided going if I thought it would be too upsetting. It sounds like your friend has had plenty of notice and hasn't made an excuse to get out of it so I wouldn't worry. Are you close enough to ask her directly?

crumblybiscuits · 18/05/2015 19:05

I lost my daughter two weeks ago, I wouldn't be ready to see a newborn. Even pictures upset me At the mo but everyone is different. I don't think you should go if she drops out because she doesn't want to see baby because she needs her friends around her right now. Definitely ask her beforehand and offer to drop out if she is uncomfortable.

Owllady · 18/05/2015 19:08

I agree with breadrocks completely :)

33goingon64 · 18/05/2015 19:08

Everyone reacts differently. I went round to see friend's newborn after mmc before it had even passed through. I felt a bit weird holding the baby knowing my dead baby was still inside me. But not awful. More like one of those 'life's rich tapestry' moments. I actually think it was a good way to get straight back on the bike, so to speak. But maybe I'm unusual?

Original poster
SazMcStan · 18/05/2015 19:20

I've just got this text off her:

I really didn't want to tell you this over a text but rather than bring it up on wed I'll just do it now. I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago and the only reason I didn't tell you was just cos you had so much going on and I thought it might put a downer on ur happy news.. Honestly can't wait to meet the little dude and get extra cuddles off him i'm so happy for you. I'm off in a couple of weeks too so we can meet up just us and have a real catch up, so much goin on one night isn't enough to fill you in! Then when you can we'll have a full on night out, if you can keep up!!! Luv ya xx

So looks like we're both going! Thank you again everyone for all the advice. And again I'm so sorry for everyone's losses. It's so rubbish how common miscarriages actually are, even though hearing this from my midwife at the time gave me no comfort at all it is (for want of a better word) nice to know that it wasn't just me and that there are people to talk to who know what I'm going through. Hopefully I'll be able to help my friend through this difficult time for her!
xxxxx

OP posts:
AuntieDee · 18/05/2015 20:06

That's great news :)

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 19/05/2015 23:47

Lovely text.

Mermaidhair · 20/05/2015 03:14

Just read the thread and I'm glad it's all worked outSmile Similar situations like this will always come up with people. Each one is unique and you need to make a decision accordingly. After my miscarriage it hurt to see babies, but I still wanted to see them. It's a weird mix between grief/happiness/envy/jealousy/love. Unfortunately it's a fact of life. Also I think it depends on the timing. The first month is hardest, but after a while you need to get back out there and feel all of the emotions that come with being a human. Congratulations on your baby op, and to anyone else who has lost a baby my condolencesFlowers It hurts big time.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 20/05/2015 07:57

Hope you all have a great time.

hellsbellsmelons · 20/05/2015 08:42

She sounds lovely.
I hope you have a great evening and then a good catch up with her one to one.

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