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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel a bit hurt by this?

41 replies

loveareadingthanks · 17/05/2015 19:02

So, friend A, been friends for 15 years or so, pretty close but we live an hour away from each other and so don't see as much of each other as we used to. I feel as though A has pulled away from me somewhat in last couple of years but when we get together it's good fun, just doesn't happen as often now and it's usually (but not always) at my instigation. We are both busy people so I'm not sure if it's all accidental or if she has deliberately cut down our friendship a bit. It's pretty much always me travelling to her, not her to me, these days (was more shared in the past).

Person B - a friend of A, but we've seen each other around for years and years at A's things. A while ago person B moved to my home town and now lives a few streets away. When she moved, I made a few invitations to her to socialise but these were rejected with excuses and I got the message. Fine to see me around at other things (she's always very friendly) but not interested in starting a real friendship. Ok, fair enough.

It was Person B's birthday this weekend and I see from Facebook that A and her husband have been up to celebrate with B, photos of meal out, drinks out etc. It's obvious A and husband are staying with B for the weekend.

I don't have any problem with not being invited along. But I'm feeling awkward that A hasn't said anything to me about being in my town or suggested meeting up even for an hour on the Sunday afterwards. It seems strange to be a couple of streets away and not. I spoke to A a couple of weeks ago and we were saying we must meet up but we were both tied up at weekends now for a couple of months. She didn't mention coming to my home town though.

So ...when I next speak to her, do I just not mention it and pretend I don't know she was here? Or do I say something like 'Oh I see you were in 'hometown' this weekend, would have loved to have seen you, give me a call next time'. If she mentions it, should I say something about wishing I'd seen her, or not.

I'm feeling a bit hurt and cut out to be honest. Not about the birthday, that's not down to A who is invited or not, but A being here and not even dropping in for a coffee or anything before they leave.

I can accept getting a down grade on the friendship, she has lots of friends to keep up with, but I don't want this visit to my home town to become the elephant in the room, if you see what I mean.

OP posts:

WipsGlitter · 17/05/2015 19:05

Like the photos and a passive aggressive "would love to meet up next time you are here" message?

Original poster

loveareadingthanks · 17/05/2015 19:07

Oh Yeah, that's occurred to me (a lot!) but I've resisted the urge as I don't think it's the right thing really.

OP posts:

gatlinout · 17/05/2015 19:11

Honestly? I'd ignore it and pretend I never saw it.

Maybe she was just really busy and couldn't fit in a visit to you as well.

I saw one of my oldest friends a couple of weeks ago as I was at a funeral about 5 miles from where she lives. I didn't tell her in advance that I'd be around as I didn't know how the day was going to go/what time things would be finished etc.

As it happened, I had time to pop in for a cup of tea on the way home so literally called half an hour before that. But if I hadn't have had time I doubt I'd have mentioned it to her and that's no reflection on our relationship at all.

Quitelikely · 17/05/2015 19:12

Is there truly any point in challenging this?

The bottom line is she didn't ask to see you because she didn't want to or couldn't.

Nothing is going to change that.

She has obviously moved on.

gatlinout · 17/05/2015 19:13

Also, if she's staying at B's for the weekend wouldn't it be a bit rude to excuse herself from her hosts to come and have a coffee with you when she's only there for the weekend?

Gabilan · 17/05/2015 19:17

I have several friends in London. I live a good 3-4 hour journey away but sometimes when I go I just spend the weekend with one friend and do not do a whirlwind trip around the others. It would be knackering and would mean spending a little time with a lot of people when I'd rather spend a lot of time with a few people.

It's in no way a reflection on my friends or how much I do or don't want to see the others. I just cannot see all of them at once. True London is a big city so it may be a bit of a different situation but might it just be that?

Perhaps back off the friendship a bit and see if A gets in touch. If not, you've got your answer.

AuntyMag10 · 17/05/2015 19:17

If she was invited and staying with B then it would have been rude for her to slip out and do something else if they had plans for the weekend?

Original poster

loveareadingthanks · 17/05/2015 19:17

Well I've just seen something else and it wasn't the whole weekend, just to Sunday morning, so plenty of time to say a quick hi if they'd wanted to.

I guess they just didn't want to.

She used to be one of my best friends. I guess I wan't being paranoid - she has given me a big downgrade.

OP posts:

ByTheWishingWell · 17/05/2015 19:17

Is Friend A originally from your hometown?

I only ask because I am sometimes aware of offending old friends when I visit my hometown. If I'm only in town for a couple of nights I don't have time to travel across the town catching up with family and different groups of friends. One or two have commented in the past when they see I've been back and didn't get in touch, but it's never been a deliberate slight, there's just too many to see in a weekend!

Original poster

loveareadingthanks · 17/05/2015 19:19

No, she's never lived here.

OP posts:

Original poster

loveareadingthanks · 17/05/2015 19:21

I'm definite we are the only 2 people she knows here.

OP posts:

DeidreChambersWhatACoincidence · 17/05/2015 19:21

Maybe there wasn't time. Or she didn't want to mention it in case there wouldn't be time. Or she felt it might be awkward because of Bs birthday. Who knows?

You could go round in circles trying to figure it out. It sounds as though things have cooled though. I don't blame you for feeling a bit hurt but in the long run its better to leave it and move on.

DinosaursRoar · 17/05/2015 19:24

I think this is one of those occasions when it's best not to assume someone was being deliberately hurtful, just thoughtless. If she was spending the weekend with B, there's a good chance they had plans on Saturday and Sunday, not just for one part of the weekend an didn't think to book in seeing you, rather than thought about it and chose not to see you.

It could well have already been a busy, long weekend. Her DP/DCs might have things they needed to get back on Sunday to do.

I'd like the photos, not make any stroppy comments. Then arrange to see her soon. Don't make a big deal out of it, don't be the friend she ha to hide seeing B from.

Original poster

loveareadingthanks · 17/05/2015 19:29

Just seen something else, they went home this afternoon so weren't tied up all weekend with B. They'd have driven past where I live on the way home. :-(

OP posts:

AlessandraLuna · 17/05/2015 19:35

It's hurtful behaviour, but I would probably just use it to re-evaluate in your mind where you prioritise A and then move on from it.

AliceLidl · 17/05/2015 19:38

Perhaps they had something else on at home this afternoon or evening?

Or an early start tomorrow?

You're going to tie yourself up in knots OP, trying to work it out. I understand why you are hurt but I think the best thing to do would be to ignore the photo's and don't mention the weekend at all.

If Friend A brings up the birthday, just say "yes I saw the photo's, it looked like a great day" and change the subject. Anything else looks passive-aggressive, and with the best will in the world, nobody likes to spend time with someone who makes them feel guilty or bad.

I'm not saying that's what you do, please don't think that. But any sort of passive-aggressiveness does stand out a mile and it's not worth it.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 17/05/2015 19:39

This is the thing with Facebook though - everyone knows where everyone else is the whole time. It's not healthy! I'd feel hurt in your position, but ten years ago, it wouldn't have been an issue as you wouldn't have known. Is have been more hurt if they'd tried to hide it. They didn't, so they probably think you're grown up enough not to be jealous and there was no malicious intent.

TwiceAsNiceAsIceAndaSlice · 17/05/2015 19:41

I would just like the pics (if that is what you would usually do when either of them put similar pics up) then forget about them both and move on. Life is too short for crap friends like this.

Original poster

loveareadingthanks · 17/05/2015 19:42

OK, well this is weird, I've just seen on Saturday she sent me a Facebook private message with one of those 'forward to your 10 best friends' memes. I'd just decided that OK, she's downgrading friendship, and now I'm confused. Mind, I doubt I am one of her 10 best friends, she has tons of friends. Probably sent it out to loads of people.

Anyway, thanks, I needed to do SOMETHING as it was getting to me, so posted here, but I'm going to ignore the pics and stuff, not even like them, and not bring it up myself. If she tells me about the weekend, then I'll say it looked like a good night, and be great to see her next time she's around here. I hope she does mention it, it'll only really feel weird if she tries to keep it secret. But I can't bring it up without looking passive aggressive, and that isn't me.

OP posts:

AlessandraLuna · 17/05/2015 19:44

If she always expects you to travel to her but then travels to your town to see other friends then it doesn't look like she values your friendship much OP, I'm sorry :(

I would stop making effort with her, be unavailable, see if she makes an effort.

Original poster

loveareadingthanks · 17/05/2015 19:44

god I'm dying to go and like one of the photos, but I shouldn't, should I? Or phone her for a catch up chat and see if she says anything.

OP posts:

Theycallmemellowjello · 17/05/2015 19:46

In the nicest way, I think yabu. If you lived in a different country I'd think it was a snub if she didn't let you know when she was in town. Given that she lives one hour away, I think it would be crazy to conclude that it was.

Zzzsnatcher · 17/05/2015 19:47

It's as though she's given up on friendship in my eyes.
If I was doing what friend A had done but was still wanting to be friends with you, I'd send a quick text or said on phone that I'm going to see friend B but not going to fit you in there's too much going on. But if I wanted to end friendship I just wouldn't bother being polite.
Hope u don't feel too hurt

AlessandraLuna · 17/05/2015 19:47

No OP I honestly wouldn't do those things.

DoJo · 17/05/2015 20:07

Second-guessing whether she 'had time' to come and see you just because she wasn't with B seems like a futile exercise which can only end in frustration. Her friendship with other people doesn't really matter - if you don't like the way she is treating you, then that is the problem, not whether or not she is spending time with someone else.

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