Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

AIBU to feel a bit hurt by this?

41 replies

loveareadingthanks · 17/05/2015 19:02

So, friend A, been friends for 15 years or so, pretty close but we live an hour away from each other and so don't see as much of each other as we used to. I feel as though A has pulled away from me somewhat in last couple of years but when we get together it's good fun, just doesn't happen as often now and it's usually (but not always) at my instigation. We are both busy people so I'm not sure if it's all accidental or if she has deliberately cut down our friendship a bit. It's pretty much always me travelling to her, not her to me, these days (was more shared in the past).

Person B - a friend of A, but we've seen each other around for years and years at A's things. A while ago person B moved to my home town and now lives a few streets away. When she moved, I made a few invitations to her to socialise but these were rejected with excuses and I got the message. Fine to see me around at other things (she's always very friendly) but not interested in starting a real friendship. Ok, fair enough.

It was Person B's birthday this weekend and I see from Facebook that A and her husband have been up to celebrate with B, photos of meal out, drinks out etc. It's obvious A and husband are staying with B for the weekend.

I don't have any problem with not being invited along. But I'm feeling awkward that A hasn't said anything to me about being in my town or suggested meeting up even for an hour on the Sunday afterwards. It seems strange to be a couple of streets away and not. I spoke to A a couple of weeks ago and we were saying we must meet up but we were both tied up at weekends now for a couple of months. She didn't mention coming to my home town though.

So ...when I next speak to her, do I just not mention it and pretend I don't know she was here? Or do I say something like 'Oh I see you were in 'hometown' this weekend, would have loved to have seen you, give me a call next time'. If she mentions it, should I say something about wishing I'd seen her, or not.

I'm feeling a bit hurt and cut out to be honest. Not about the birthday, that's not down to A who is invited or not, but A being here and not even dropping in for a coffee or anything before they leave.

I can accept getting a down grade on the friendship, she has lots of friends to keep up with, but I don't want this visit to my home town to become the elephant in the room, if you see what I mean.

OP posts:

minesapintofwine · 17/05/2015 20:11

I think you need to stop looking at Facebook right now! Go have a cup of tea, glass of wine, watch telly, take a walk etc. Step away from the internet! Completely forget about it. Then, and only when you are calm, see if you are still as bothered and make a sensible plan (that could involve doing nothing). You may find you are not as worried.

TwiceAsNiceAsIceAndaSlice · 17/05/2015 20:22

What DoJo said.

eddielizzard · 17/05/2015 20:59

i would back right off personally. wait for her to contact you.

MrsToddsShortcut · 17/05/2015 21:49

I empathise but do think you are overthinking this a bit.

I have a very old friend (best friend all through school since the age of 8). Our lives drifted in different directions in our late twenties but now, in our 40's, we are still great friends. But she lives an hour away and I don't see her often.

Like you, constant promises on both sides to get together etc. I found out that she had come down for the weekend to see her parents who live 5 minutes from me.

I felt hurt for a short while, before realising that some people are very good at compartmentalising. I live in one box, her family in another, her local friends/work friends in another etc. and she doesn't mix them up.

It wouldn't have occurred to her to visit me that weekend as to her, it was a 'family box' weekend. It had nothing to do with how she sees me or our friendship, and everything to do with how she divides up her time.

I doubt she was avoiding you; it's far more likely that she values your friendship but that you are just in a different 'box'. Hope that makes sense...

Alanna1 · 17/05/2015 21:52

She was probably just flat-out busy. Like I am most of the time!

AlessandraLuna · 17/05/2015 22:18

Even a flat out busy person will make time to see someone that they want to see though.

It doesn't sound as though the OP's friend values her as much as the OP values the friend :(

MuddlingMackem · 17/05/2015 22:36

I think you're probably NBU, but there's not a whole heck of a lot you can do about it, except taking a step back and see if A initiates getting together.

In your friend's situation, if I was visiting someone (A) who was nearish to someone else (B), I would contact B and say something along the lines of 'Going to visit A whenever, might be passing yours on way there / way back, are you around that weekend? Might not make it to yours as I don't know how things will pan out, but would like to pop by if I get the chance. Will text you either way.'

But that's because my non-local friends are very scattered, and I don't like to pass up rare opportunities to see them. :)

MrsHathaway · 17/05/2015 22:46

I have three lovely, very valued friends who live in/around city N, which is several hours away from us.

The last time I visited city N was to be godmother at friend 1's son's christening. We didn't tell friend 2 or friend 3 because we genuinely wouldn't have had time to see them. We saw friend 2 the time before, and friend 3 the time before that, and we have only once managed to combine a visit to more than one of them and it was absolutely exhausting.

When we are leaving, we are packing multiple children into the car with too much luggage and probably a headache. We are all tired because we've not been sleeping in our own beds. The fact that there are hours left in the day doesn't mean we necessarily want to spend them socialising, no matter how lovely friends 2 and 3 are.

I don't think it's a deliberate snub. I think she's the kind of friend who wants to give a person her complete attention, rather than saying "HEY I'M IN TOWN - WHO WANTS TO PARTY?"

CrapBag · 17/05/2015 22:49

I'd stop bothering with her. I've got no time for one sided friendships. If someone can't be arsed with me ever then I stop bothering with them. Life is too short.

Btw I would probably like and comment along the lines of "oh didn't realise you were coming here, would have been great to see you" just to see what response I got. The response would have determined what I did next.

youmakemydreams · 17/05/2015 22:58

I am in the position of your friend sometimes and it really isn't a snub ony part anyway.
I don't know what is happening but for such a long time it has been feeling like we have not had a weekend at home lounging. I'm exhausted, dc are exhausted so is dp. We were away on what is a reasonably regular trip to a town I used to live in for something. As it is semi regular I usually pop in to see a good friend for an hour before we head on the 2-3 hour journey home. This time I didn't. Once our duty visit to the event was done we went to the hotel relaxed then came home sharp the next day.

Sometimes when life has been really busy you just want to be in your own house wearing an elasticated waist.
Your friend was down to visit B you have said you are both busy. She only lives an hour away. These things combined say to me that she doesn't have to feel obliged to visit. Had she come from abroad or the other side of the country is be more inclined to be pissed off.

Lipsync · 17/05/2015 23:04

There's no reason to think it's a deliberate snub. She's not to know you are slightly obsessed with being 'downgraded', and following her movements on FB - and no matter how much she values the friendship, honestly, she doesn't 'owe' you a visit because she's passing. I was recently visiting my hometown (not UK) and didn't tell my oldest friend I was there. I just didn't want to - I was tired, and not inclined for company, and didn't feel like making up excuses. Maybe she'd just had enough socialising? Would you really want her to feel obligated to see you if she didn't feel up to it, for whatever reason? There's no reason at all for her visit to your town to be any kind of 'elephant in the room', unless you turn it into one!

MrsHathaway · 17/05/2015 23:07

Sometimes when life has been really busy you just want to be in your own house wearing an elasticated waist.

That's a meme waiting to happen.

MrsHathaway · 17/05/2015 23:09

imgflip.com/i/lmws1

Ahem.

UsedtobeFeckless · 17/05/2015 23:10

Oh dear OP

I was in your shoes the other week ... I saw something on FB that made me think a friend had blown me out in favour of another friend and because it all came at the end of a long, bad day I got into a right tizz about it - fortunately the MN vipers all told me to get over myself before I posted anything stupid in reply, which was lucky as I only had half the story and would have looked like a paranoid loon.

Be chilled about the whole thing. If you and A have fun when you meet up don't torment yourself with who else she has fun with - that way lies madness! I compartmentalise friendships too ... If I'd spent the weekend with one mate it wouldn't occure to me to drop in on another on the way home, it would feel a bit off, actually, as if they weren't worth a whole visit - if you see what I mean ...

Aeroflotgirl · 17/05/2015 23:39

Tbh even before, it certainly sounds as though friend A is distancing from you, she does not sound that into you. I would distance myself, delete her off FB and move on.

youmakemydreams · 18/05/2015 07:29

MrsHathaway did you do that?? I'm feeling very flattered now

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread