Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not attend her hen party?

28 replies

crumblybiscuits · 17/05/2015 18:40

I have a close friend's hen do coming up in two weeks. I lost my daughter at 16 weeks a fortnight ago. Close friend is also pregnant but a few weeks behind where I was and we had been so excited about going through pregnancy together until now. This would have been my second daughter and her first child after a miscarriage a year ago. I am really trying my hardest to be positive about close friend's pregnancy but I am finding it really hard to cope with the baby talk and thinking about everything I should be looking forward to and celebrating with her. Would I damage the friendship by declining attending her hen do? There will be many other girls there who do not know I suffered a loss recently and as it's a sober event it will undoubtedly be baby focused and I would feel selfish asking her to not talk about her pregnancy because I was there after suffering a loss. Do I suck it up for a night or just politely decline?

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 17/05/2015 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 17/05/2015 18:42

I am sorry for your loss

I would decline, explain why, and if she is any sort of friend she will totally understand

Justusemyname · 17/05/2015 18:44

YANBU and anyone who thinks you are needs a word with themselves.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

wheretoyougonow · 17/05/2015 18:44

Sorry for your loss Thanks. Decline. If she's a good friend she will completely understand. Look after yourself.

AuntyMag10 · 17/05/2015 18:46

Yanbu, so sorry about your loss. You need to take care of yourself right now. A good friend will understand this.

Haggismcbaggis · 17/05/2015 18:50

I would just write her a nice note or email saying that you think it's all a little too raw right now, that you are worried that it would spoil her night and that you are sure she will understand. I am very sorry for your loss.

Haggismcbaggis · 17/05/2015 18:50

I would just write her a nice note or email saying that you think it's all a little too raw right now, that you are worried that it would spoil her night and that you are sure she will understand. I am very sorry for your loss.

RB68 · 17/05/2015 18:53

You are in a difficult situation, personally I would pop along for a bit, then leave so show a face, leave a pressie or something or other and then go maybe having a prior engagement elsewhere or something. But knowing how hard that might be you have to decide and I am sure she will understand having been in a similar situation herself.

VelvetRose · 17/05/2015 18:56

If you feel up to it maybe stop by for a drink or something but I don't think you should feel at all bad for not going. I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

Rafflesway · 17/05/2015 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeladionInch · 17/05/2015 19:02

Decline. Reasons for not attending mine include: last minute cheap flights to visit family, husband won't babysit (Hmm) and not ready to leave 5mo baby for a couple of hours. Yours is "better" than any of those and I think no less of those who've declined mine as friends. My condolences on your loss Flowers

Original poster
crumblybiscuits · 17/05/2015 19:12

I am upset at the idea of missing it as it is such an important time of her life and I want to be able to share it with her but I'm worried it will get too much and I will end up leaving the party upset and ruining her evening. I will definitely buy her a little present whether I attend or not, I just feel guilty being a downer when she deserves to enjoy every second after her loss last year. Thank you all for reassuring me now. I will try to make it for a drink as I really don't want her to think I am flaking out but I have awful social anxiety so I'm sure I will undoubtedly beat myself up internally no matter what I do.

OP posts:
knackered69 · 17/05/2015 19:17

Am so sorry for your loss x I would write her a note. You need and deserve to take care of yourself right now x

MacGotFat · 17/05/2015 19:23

I've been there- 2 miscarriages and close friends being pregnant at the time. It's horrible. Take care of yourself. Flowers
I would definitely decline and I'm sure she will understand (have I read your OP right that she had a miscarriage herself last year?).
Can you arrange to see her separately another time instead, and focus on talking about wedding plans rather than baby?

honeyroar · 17/05/2015 19:26

You sound like a lovely friend who really cares about her. I'm sure she does about you too.. She'd understand if you only went for a drink or didn't go at all, I'm sure, especially if she went through it herself last year. If you'd feel better not going at all don't go. Send her a card wishing her a wonderful night and saying you are just feeling a bit down and don't want to spoil her night?

DragonWithAGirlTattoo · 17/05/2015 19:55

She will be fine with you missing her hen night, just be honest with her and maybe arrange for a catch up before/after the wedding and go for afternoon tea somewhere nice, just the 2 of you xx

Sorry for your lose xx sending love and hugs

DragonWithAGirlTattoo · 17/05/2015 19:55

loss! not lose! sorry

ThursdayLast · 17/05/2015 20:00

Yes, what everyone else has said.

When all is said and done, a hen do is not an important life event. I would be astounded if she didn't understand if you explained to her.

chinam · 17/05/2015 20:00

Definitely decline. Now is about you and what you need. Your friend will understand.

wheresthelight · 17/05/2015 20:01

I am so sorry for your loss! Thanks

if she is any kind of friend she will completely understand! could you maybe arrange to have a nice afternoon tea out somewhere together just the two of you instead?

GERTI · 17/05/2015 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gointothewoods · 17/05/2015 20:07

Yanbu
You need to deal with your own grief first. Then worry about your friend. If you feel up to it on the night then maybe you could join for a while.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 17/05/2015 20:09

No YNBU, to decline. You say you can't face the baby talk. That is completely understandable but I can't help thinking g your friend is being a tad insensitive going on about her pregnancy when yours has been taken away.
I get she's excited and yes entitled to be and indeed we know it's not her fault but there's a time and a place for baby talk and it's certainly not around a women who hasn't 2 pregnancies.
Plus in a physical not just emotional sense you're not fit for a night out your body and indeed mind has suffered the most awful trauma.
Look after yourself.
I'm so sorry for your loss x

bigbumtheory · 18/05/2015 07:34

Yanbu, decline.

Im so sorry for your loss, it's so horrible and unfair to lose a much loved baby. This stress is the last thing you need right now, just look after yourself. Your friend will understand and not want you feeling any extra pain and stress.

Mermaidhair · 18/05/2015 09:32

Yanbu, two weeks is so recent. I went through something similar, miscarriage while friend and I were expecting. Just explain to her as you have done here. It is going to be hard for you, watching your friend. You will be happy for her, but a little jealous and it will hurt big time. Just accept that it is meant to hurt. Much love to youFlowersplease be very gentle with yourself. X

Swipe left for the next trending thread