AIBU help with baby- MIL

[Chesneysmole]

A quick context: my PIL
live 3 hours away and are retired; my parents are 1 1/2 hours away but on holiday (booked before knew I was pregnant) I'm expecting baby number 2 any day now. We never ask for help, no weekend babysitting etc. we always have to travel to PIL. This time I need someone to look after DD1 whilst DH and I at hospital so MIL offered to come up- i'm having planned c-section so no middle of night journeys/panics. So far so good except DH called her earlier about something else and she said she's only staying a few days now, (won't be specific, said "playing it by ear"), not fortnight she originally said. Doesn't think we need to know how long she might stay. No reason given. I'm sure we can cope but I'm upset as I feel like we're being an inconvenience for her and it also means she'll miss DD1's birthday which is week after c-section which she obviously knows. DD wasn't allowed to visit them at Easter as she had chicken pox- even though I said no risk to them as PIL both have had it. she has also made comments about how she doesn't like being away from home, our routine is different etc. (she lives in a small village and has set shopping days etc). When I told her I was having c-section, she's said she doesn't know anything about them and I'll have to deal with that- I've given her outline that I'll need more support etc and that i'd love for her just to be here to play with DD, DH will do housework etc. AIBU in just expecting her to be excited about arrival of grandchild and not making a fuss about helping on this one occasion? I'm tempted to just ask a friend to look after DD1 for one day, who I know wouldn't mind, but thought it would be nice if family helped. AIBU and too hormonal?

YABU. Your mil isn't doing anything wrong, she said she'd come and stay to help and that's exactly what she's planning to do. She will get to spend a bot of time with the new baby and she'll get to spend a bit of time with your older child. I'm not sure what more you can ask for really, it's not fair of you to expect to be able to dictate her levels of excitement and the length of time she's comfortable to be a houseguest in someone else's home.

Yabu. I would just be thinking how kind she is coming to help- in the same way as if your MIL needed you and you left everything your end to help her, be it a day or a fortnight.

Yabu I'm afraid. She's coming for the main event, the thing you need her for. She's putting herself out for that. She doesn't need to stay for 2 weeks. It's a shame she's missing your eldests birthday but I'm sure she'll make up for it in the time she's there.

Maybe she feels she will be in the way for 2 weeks. Not all people feel able to get stuck in and just get on with stuff, she probably won't want to tread on your toes.

Your MIL is coming for the most important period - to care for dd when you and dh are in hospital. Any extra is a bonus

Staying at yours for a fortnight is a bonkers idea!

Overall I think you're being unreasonable. Two weeks is too long and I think your mil is being quite sensible.
Believe me, come the time you will be glad she cut it short.

YABU.

My MIL hasn't visited us in over 6 years. She only lives 1.5 hours away. No reason other than can't be arsed. I am due in 6 weeks and would love for someone to come and help but it's not going to happen. I think you should be incredibly grateful she is coming at all!

YABU!
You don't even need her there for longer, from a practical point of view.
She's allowed to just not want to.

YABU, but only because my MIL has booked to come for 2 weeks when DC2 is born (without asking) and I can't think of anything worse! I'm dreading it. We had such a lovely time in those first 2 weeks when DD was born and I don't want anyone else encroaching on our space this time.
It sounds like 'playing it by ear' is probably the best thing to do, you might find you don't actually want her there for 2 weeks.

It's not at all clear why you think you require your MIL to be around once you get home as your DH will be there.
MIL is coming when she is needed, ie when you are in hospital and for a few days afterwards. That sounds fine.
You can't control her life and demand she stays for two weeks for no apparent reason.

Yanbu.... Yes, she's helping but with a heavy heart it seems. It all sounds a bit like she'll do what she has to do but begrudgingly. I can see why you might be a little upset.

Thank you. I can see her point too. In my original post I said that she suggested a fortnight originally, which of course I'd be more than grateful for- we have no other family nearby. I would never ask her to stay that long as I know she gets anxious. I guess she's just realised what it would mean and is trying to say she doesn't want to stay. I think we only need help for day of delivery and any after is a bonus, she just has form for suddenly changing things and denying she ever said anything different before.

I have a back-up plan with neighbours if baby arrives spontaneously but she said she doesn't like sound of DD not being with family so I'm stuck in hard place there too!

going to take a few deep breaths and count down until I can have glass of wine again

I know what you mean op....you want people to want to help you rather than feeling like it's a hassle for them iyswim. Unfortunately sometimes we have to realise people don't always meet our expectations.

With the pox- DD was at end of infectious stage and not whingey at all with it. I was more at risk being pregnant, but hey ho, some people just don't like illness.

agreed, but you couldn't really avoid contact with your own child, so it's different. Dd1 had cp when I was preg with dd2 so I've also been there and am personally a bit about cp panic, but everyone's different....

I don't think YABU at all. Why would she not want to help you? She is being very unreasonable.

You say she gets anxious. What's all that about?

I would hate to stay in someones house for a fortnight and would hate having my mum or mil stay for more than a few days.

I would gratefully accept this offer to stay a few days. She is putting herself out here. Yabu

YABU. It sounds like she's worried two weeks will be too long for you and she's giving you a police opt-out.

*polite

My MIL sounds as 'helpful' as yours. Her friends are going on holiday for a couple of weeks after my baby is due so kept asking me over and over when would be best to join them for a few days. I said during the early part as DH will still be on pat leave (I'm also having planned c-section) she said 'oh other people are going then'. Right. So I said over a weekend as DH will be at home 2 of the days. Nope she's booked the second week Mon-Fri. Now I couldn't give a shit about her being around because I've built up a network of people who could help but why ask so many many times then ignore both suggestions??

It sounds like you have a similar MIL who suits herself under the pretext of being 'helpful'. I get why you need to know if it's a few days or two weeks so her being flaky is unnerving in the run up to a big deal you want to go as smoothly as possible. Good luck!

Some people find being away from home and staying in someone else's house a huge strain. The idea of a fortnight might be intimidating to her and she'd prefer to take it day by day and assess when she can reasonably return home without leaving you in the lurch. I can see why you might be a bit upset at her apparent indifferent attitude, but it just sounds as if she's a homebird who's quite set in her ways.

Blimey op I love my dil but wouldn't want to stop with them for 2 weeks! That's a long time.

Also you can have chicken pox twice as I caught it the second time from a shingles patient.

You can't get it the other way round.

But 2 weeks??? Far too long your dh will he there.

Sorry with your mil on this one and I would think it was imposing on the new family unit to be around that long.

Still being mumsnet half with agree with me and the other half will think she's a selfish narcassistic bitch.