To do a job that I'm over qualified for?

[Turquoisegreenshining]

Much more to it than the title so please don't assume it's a stealth boast.

In my area of expertise that I hold a professional qualification in, I come across ambitious, attractive and confident women who are good at their jobs but also have strong relationships, property, come from wealthy backgrounds, are successful in every area of their lives.

I unfortunately am not conventionally attractive. Outside of work my life is dysfunctional and chaotic. I always feel scruffy and messy as opposed to groomed and sleek.

In short, my working day (so obviously a significant amount of time) is spent disliking myself and comparing myself to these people.

So - wibu I resign? I have the opportunity to do a paid role in a capacity I have volunteered for in the past although it isn't as much money.

This reminds me of the movie The Devil Wears Prada.

Why do you co-workers earn so much more than you? Are they actual supermodels?

As far as the "scruffiness" goes, could you go to a department store and take advantage of a personal shopper and a free makeover? The personal shopper would direct you to what clothes best suit you, and lots of times stores offer them for free.

Do you enjoy your current work?

I don't know if it would make me feel the way you do, to be honest. I think it would make me incredibly proud that I'd achieved the same as them despite all my "weaknesses".

Do you not feel proud for making it? I guess that's what other posters mean by changing from the inside. I'm not sure changing jobs will make you happy. Will you not just feel that you've failed again? Or that you gave up too easily?

Have a good think before you throw away what sounds like a great achievement xx

Apologies, my post was misleading. It was intended to be metaphorical not literal.

What I was trying to explain is that it's easier to feel happier with your 'own people', not those who are vastly different to you. Yes, we earn around the same but there are huge differences.

Cream, my career isn't anything all that special.

Nor was I hugely disadvantaged in life: I'm just an 'ordinary' person and went to an 'ordinary' actually dog rough secondary school - where bizarrely I was one of the better off students - I haven't come through the Bronx or anything :)

But I am working with well to do, attractive, confident women. This honestly isn't about me and how I see myself though I concede it looks that way.

It's about trying to immerse myself into a world I patently don't belong in. A world where women get their nails done weekly. I've never had a manicure in my life. A world where designer handbags are bought and discarded. A world where moisturiser for £30 is about the norm.

We are not in an especially well paid field - though it certainly isn't badly paid. The point is, my colleagues fund this life largely through their families and partners. Unfortunately, I can't keep up!

So it's about you feeling less attractive and 'not the same?' and not that they're earning more or more successful?.

Then it is all about you and how you feel and feel about the world around you.

Work on you and don't give up your job.

Can you manage financially with the lower paid job?

You say you used to volunteer there, so would the new job make you feel you are doing something worthwhile with life?

I still volunteer there.

Financially yes: one can always manage I find.

As much as I agree with everyone who's saying that the problem is with your self perception not your job, if you will:

a) be happier away from all these rich, glamorous types
b) be able to manage financially
c) enjoy the other job

then I think I would take it. Knowing the problem is with your self esteem isn't going to magically make it go away and the longer you are with these women the worse you feel - not because you should feel bad and compare yourself but because that's something you can't help struggling with.

I've never had a manicure either. Nail bars are quite an alien concept to me, so is having someone messing with my eyebrows. I have a perfectly good pair of tweezers so I do my own now and then as well as my chin hairs.

I don't the handbag thing either.
To be honest I would struggle having colleagues like yours.

Well yes this is it only i would politely disagree it's my self esteem. To put it another way of I had posted 'Aibu to move from expensive neighbourhood to cheaper one as we don't fit in and can't access the activities as we can't affair them and it makes us feel poor and down about ourselves' people might understand!

I think it is difficult to connect with people who have such different values.
My idea of a good day out is a walk in the country.
A day at a spa would be horrible.

I don't think you have low self esteem, I think you have different values to the glamorous well groomed women.

I think working with people who have the same values as you would be far better.
I have never aspired to be well groomed and never look with envy at women who are.

That's true turquoise , that does sound a lot more reasonable.

But surely you can't be the only one receiving £20000 while all the others get £100000. There must be pay scales?

There are very few people, no matter how wealthy or attractive, who have success in every area of their lives all of the time. I do think this is a skewed perception. Just because you think it, doesn't mean it is necessarily true.

Even wealthy, attractive, successful people experience bereavement, betrayal, abuse, depression, trauma etc, I think if you scratched beneath the surface, your colleagues would have tales to tell like we all do. We are all flawed in some way.

There will be people in the business looking at you and thinking that you are a successful woman and feeling bad that they've never met their own ambition. They don't know that your esteem is rock bottom, as they would be working on perception too.

It could be just as likely that wealthy, attractive people could come and work at the new job so you could end up in the same boat, just paid less.

I think you should think about doing some work on your self esteem/worth. Maybe some reading, CBT or whatever may work for you. No matter what job you are in, you need to find some inner acceptance. Very best of luck.

I do notice immensely different values.

I come from a 'mixed' background. My parents were quite well educated and lovely (of course! :)) but sadly they both died when I was very young.

On a good day I'd like to say I've had a 'bohemian' life. On a bad day I'd like to say my life is the life of a massive twat

I know comparison is the thief of joy and that's the problem. Before I worked there I was happy. I loved my little home, it never crossed my wild hippie head I should manicure my nails and bags were purely functional.

I sometimes feel it's because of losing my mum so young. I don't know 'how to be a woman.' That sounds so silly.

Well it sounds as if you've made up your mind, turquoise. Good luck and I do hope you find a happier workplace.

However I do also think you should think about some strategies for dealing with people who are in some way 'successful' as you're sure to come across them at all points in your life.

I also agree that people rarely think themselves to be as perfect as you paint these colleagues and that you should try to remember that they have their own insecurities and problems.

Finally I don't agree with the person who said that you necessarily have different values. I don't think you can tell anything about someone's values from their nails or handbag.

I don't think I have made up my mind at all :) I am not so naive as to think stepping away from a comparatively well paid career won't have massive repercussions - but I am unhappy at the moment.

Gosh you all type quickly! Thread has moved on a bit.

OK look, I went to a toddler group sightly out of my area due to working days, and I didn't know at the time but the group were mainly millionaires, probably similar to the women you work with (just in a few years when they are on maternity leave )

1. Married to successful business man - felt very alone because he was a workaholic, she felt ignored and unvalued, felt like a lone parent most of the time.

1. Married to successful business man - had an eating disorder because she felt she had to stay thin as her husband was working with young, ambitious attractive women.

1. Came from wealth and married a wealthy husband - lost one of her children age 3.

1. Married to a famous sportsperson - had to travel all the time following her husband's job. Her life was according to his schedule.

It would be easy to think 'I'll never be one of them' in a negative way, but once you think about the background, you may not want to be walking in their shoes either.

Having great hair and nails may be 'being a woman' to some people and that's fine. But it isn't 'being a woman' for everyone. People may see you as boho chic and envy that; you just don't know.

OK. So if this isn't about your self esteem it's still about you judging people on a superficial basis with little knowledge of their real lives.

If someone came on here and said 'I don't feel like I fit in with my colleagues because they're less attractive, less confident, don't see the importance in manicures or handbags' then that poster would be absolutely slated for being superficial, snobby and judgemental.

You're doing the same. You haven't said they're not skilled, not intelligent, rude or nasty.

You've said you feel they're too different from you and you don't fit in. And apparently that's ok because they're attractive etc but if you said you don't fit in because they're rough, scruff etc you'd be slated for it.

Leave if you want but don't attribute that to other people that you feel are different to you for superficial reasons.

I don't think I am judging them, as such. After all, I can honestly say I don't feel welcome, I do feel rather patronised and I don't care for some of the values that are expressed, although I am of course professional and polite enough to be - well, professional and polite :)

Having an expensive handbag, having regular manicures - don't make someone a bad person! Of course they don't!

I know regular studies have shown it isn't wealth as such but rather comparative wealth that leads to unhappiness. In a way, I am in a similar situation. I work with tall, leggy, slender, lovely, lovely looking women. In the 'real world' I'm an ordinary, niceish face but nothing to write home about, slightly chubby, looking woman and blend in. There, I look ugly.

I work with women who have all the material advantages in life and more besides: private education, luxurious gym membership, well connected. In the 'real' world, I am lucky because I own property. There, I'm poor.

I work with women who may have some unhappiness haunting them, but certainly don't express it: on the contrary they radiate self esteem and confidence. The fact that I do not is not their fault, but it isn't mine either - I didn't lack confidence before starting the job :)

You could run into people like this in any job, will you keep leaving them too?

Fix yourself and stop worrying about other people.

I don't need 'fixing.'

It's highly unlikely - in fact almost a guarantee I won't - run into people like this in a low paid capacity.

Oh and I don't 'keep leaving'.

I'd love to know what your job is!
I work in a school kitchen and a lot of the teachers are older than me and quite posh (not glam though), well educated too obviously. It does make me feel a bit inferior and if I had to work with them all the time I wouldn't like it, even though they are perfectly nice to me.

Can you move organisations without leaving the industry? In my field there's options which are very different in terms of character, but I fit into some much better than others.

But yanbu to change where you work.