To do a job that I'm over qualified for?

[Turquoisegreenshining]

Much more to it than the title so please don't assume it's a stealth boast.

In my area of expertise that I hold a professional qualification in, I come across ambitious, attractive and confident women who are good at their jobs but also have strong relationships, property, come from wealthy backgrounds, are successful in every area of their lives.

I unfortunately am not conventionally attractive. Outside of work my life is dysfunctional and chaotic. I always feel scruffy and messy as opposed to groomed and sleek.

In short, my working day (so obviously a significant amount of time) is spent disliking myself and comparing myself to these people.

So - wibu I resign? I have the opportunity to do a paid role in a capacity I have volunteered for in the past although it isn't as much money.

I'm quite attractive but certainly have never nor will ever have loads of money and being quite attractive never got me anywhere.

I'm a MH professional and was used to thinking that criminal offenders/people reliant on benefits/people in hospital thought I was doing better than them (i knew my life wasn't great so it wasn't true). But because I was brilliant at my job, gave a good and supportive service and seemed to be everything they wanted to be - they thought I was lovely but 'different' to them and in terms of income, the Police etc I was.

But like you; I spent most of my time feeling like I was a fraud and if everyone just knew what an utter twat I was, they'd change their mind.

And now I work in an area of MH which is specialised and niche and I still see the offenders, those on benefits etc.

But I also see the stunningly beautiful lawyers/CEO/business owners etc etc. And I covet their beautiful clothes, handbags and six or seven figure salaries. And I used to feel so intimidated by these amazingly gorgeous and successful women who earn more in a month than my annual salary.

Till I realised that sitting there in my primark clothes and being 10 years older than them they were admiring me for my knowledge, my experience and my advice. I've heard them say 'I wish I was like you'.

They have no idea about my life or what I've gone through. It's all about how people perceive you through your words and your deeds. Not how you look or how much you earn.

It's really about the person you are and how that comes across. You have no idea how your colleagues perceive you - you might be surprised if you knew.

So you want to leave your job because you're surrounded by successful people. You're even willing to take a pay cut and start over again. Sorry, but that is a crap reason to leave your job. What do you hope to find- a job with people you deem lowly enough so you can feel better about yourself?!

Focus on yourself and things that make you feel good. Build your self esteem and the rest will follow.

It's rather difficult to understand-you say it's like working with a load of people who all earn £100,000 yet you earn £20,000. Then you say

"Yes, we earn around the same but there are huge differences."

I can't really conceive of a situation where that makes sense?! Is there perhaps a better analagy you can give us?

I certainly wouldn't go and take a massive pay cut in your shoes though!

Ps. It sounds to me like you do need 'fixing' because it doesn't sound like you like yourself. It's not them, it's you. And you can't escape yourself by going to another job, you have to 'fix' yourself. You managed to get this job and you've managed to lose a stone! Sounds like you've done the difficult things. Now get yourself some clothes that compliment your figure, get some good make up advice, a great hair cut and flirt with everyone- and I mean everyone!

I'm going to say YABU. Really though, this is only because I can't imagine quitting a job because I felt I wasn't up to the aesthetics of other women in the industry .

Quit if you want, but if your underlying belief is that you will never measure up because of how you look then a new job won't fix that.

(Unless you're a model in which case I'd say if you're being booked then your look is fine!)

You express yourself very eloquently OP, but you do appear to have low self-esteem even if you think you don't.

Is it possible for you to draw a parallel with a similar career? or describe your situation in more detail. Because if you just happened to work in an office full of rich super models and would be happy working in a different office that's one thing but to walk away from a profession, a career that your good at because you don't feel 'good enough' is another, actually have you ever heard of impostor syndrome?

Is there anything you'd like to achieve that would give you more confidence?

E.g. I get recommendations on the style & beauty board and recently had my colours done and feel so much happier with my clothes now, some of which are from ebay so I haven't spent lots of money but it's given me a tad more confidence.

I can recognise some of this, but felt differently about it. When I first moved into my current profession, I came from a low status low pay role. My new colleagues were lovely, but I felt a bit alien initially - the assumptions about money just seemed so different.

Have also worked in all male environments where I felt like an alien from another planet - I dealt with that by making sure I went to events, evening classes, whatever where I spent more time with other women. The relief of "phew, I am normal" carries you through a fair few weeks. Is this an option for you OP?

The women are similar where I work and sometimes the comparison does get me down. But I try to think that it's only work, a part of my life, and leaving wouldn't change who I am. Except that I'd be poorer and less able to do things that I want to do as less cash!!

Has worked always played a big part in your life? I wonder if you felt more fulfilled by your life outside of work, hobbies, groups, pub outings and a full social life with people you choose to spend time with, that you'd realise you don't need to seek some sense of validation from work colleagues.

OP i agree with you.
I ' sure there is research i remember reading about it saying that people who are friends with much wealthier people or live in a very rich areas are unhappy and their self esteem is low.
It is a bit like being the poor child in a private posh school.
Imo we need people who have similar problems to us.

I was talking to my neighbour earlier. She asked me for a ladder to fix the gutter, she had to glue it as there is no money to replace it or to bring the proffessionals. I can relate to that.
If she was complaing about her 500ph builder then i wouldnt be able to relate. It is normal i think. We fanction better with people who have similar lifestyle to us.
Also we support each other better.

If you can afford the pay cut i don't think it is a bad idea to take the other job.

All I know is that at work I don't feel great: away from work, I do.

Some have concluded this is down to low self esteem. Perhaps but then I do think this is natural. I'm sure if any of you were suddenly forced into an environment where you were deemed a bit of a joke, you'd start to feel similar.

I'll leave this thread now. Some useful comments - thanks. I'll have a think. I'm a bit irrationally upset by people implying I am an idiot because I'm unhappy in one job. It isn't because of the 'aesthetics of my colleagues'.

You dont sound like an idiot:-(
You are working with people who have difderent lifestyle to yours and who are very well groomed, it is natural imo to feel a bit out of place. Better to be with people you can share the same interests, problems, dilemmas.
I wish you all the best whatever you decide (flowers)

Well - I have an interview on Friday. Fingers crossed! :)

It's about developing a strong identity Turquoise and being comfortable in your own skin regardless of who you are surrounded with. I've always struggled with this, I blame my own insecurities on having low self esteem and lacking confidence and the bloody older I'm getting the worse I seem to be feeling. But no matter how uncomfortable I have felt in certain workplaces, I have never resigned, mostly because I've always been financially dependent upon the job. I hope you reach the right decision and good luck in your interview.

Good luck Turquoise!

Hi Turquoise!

I wanted to weigh in on this if you don't mind! I totally understand what you mean. The majority of the colleagues I worked with were all the very wealthy upbringings, manicures and Gucci types. In comparison I'm from a very rural, impoverished background and wouldn't know where to start with a bottle of nail varnish. I got my qualifications and therefore job (which is pretty much exclusively worked by the social class above me) through bursaries and A LOT of determination and hard work.

I felt like an alien in comparison to the other women who ribbed me for how I talked and comments on how brave I was to attend "important" meetings with "important" people without makeup on. I tried for a while to fit in but quickly realised it wasn't me and decided I was much better focusing my time and effort on my job rather than comparing myself to my colleagues (who are very good at theirs and nice people btw).

And you know what, it was the best thing ever. I don't care if people mock that I say "aff" instead of "off" or tay instead of tea. Service users and staff routinely request the "plain" or "down to earth" manager and my staff retention numbers are incomparable mainly because I'm not that good looking or fancy tongued anyone's going to be intimidated by me -that's why I probably got my last promotion-

If you are assured enough in yourself, then what the rest wear or what they do at the weekend or how they speak won't bother you a hoot. Give yourself a break OP

Hi Turquoise,

You have obviously thought hard about this and have worked out that you can afford to live on less money. When it comes down to happiness you are more likely to be healthy if you are happy in your job - expensive bags and face creams cannot make you feel as happy as a job you look forward to.

Good luck with your change and be happy.

I think you've hit the nail on the head with comparative wealth. I think that is very true.

Good luck with you job interview. It is always nice to work with people who have things in common with yourself. But...
Try to have confidence in yourself. I know I am no better and no worse than anybody else. You should believe the same about yourself.

Honestly, everyone else is worrying about themselves and not you. They won't be thinking what you're thinking. At some point you might be in your 60s working with all 20 or 30 year olds. What happens then? It's all about valuing yourself for you. I've been that 20 year old working with 60 year olds and they were great - joined in, had a laugh, were the mother figure, always kind, full of great advice. I suppose it's being happy in your own skin but I would say again most people have their own hang ups, even the immaculate ones, and they're not even thinking anything negative about you. How are they towards you? Warm, friendly or cold, snobby?

I've read your posts but not all of the advice. What you do, precisely, isn't that important imo.

I think you should value your time. No matter how much you're paid per month there are still the same number of hours in the month, and you're spending them unhappy now. I have a friend who earns a fortune and I wonder if she judges me for only working part time. But although her time is worth more to an employer, my time is worth as much to me as her time is worth to her surely as we both have only the same number of hours in a month.

So, with that in mind, focus on doing what you feel will make you happier. I wouldn't want to be surrounded by very attractive women all day long. I am not down on myself but still, it's not nice to have a conversation with somebody and then realised they're looking over your shoulder at the 25 year old standing behind you.

Stay where the money is. Feeling out of place does not change depending on circumstances - I know, I've been there and done work for which I'm very overqualified and still felt the same - so I feel like the change you need is not really the change you're currently talking about making.

I can see where you are coming from OP, and don't really agree with the posters who say you 'just' need to work on your self esteem.

It's not always that simple. When you have low self esteem, trying to build it is really hard. And sometimes the environment we are in is really damaging and takes all the energy we have.

I am from a working class background and from a very rural area. Despite conventional good looks (just averagely slim and pretty, nothing amazingly beautiful or anything) and a decent education, when I have had 'good' jobs, I have felt really out of place. Everyone else seems to be so much more polished, knows everything, speaks nicely and it leaves you feeling bad. It's like you spend so much energy just trying to not feel like a failure and trying to feel good enough that there's not much left for anything else.

I think when people say BUT YOU JUST ARE GOOD ENOUGH, their heart is in the right place, but also, they are refusing to acknowledge your feelings, because those feelings are not pleasant to confront. It is not nice to think that we live in a society where, actually, we ARE forced into little boxes, we ARE made to feel less because of our background/looks/education, and, no, not every story is a triumph over adversity.

I used to put so much pressure on myself. I used to want to reach the same standard as my peers who came from richer backgrounds, who'd lived in London/Glasgow/wherever their whole lives, and just seemed to understand everything and know everyone. And I realised that, no, career-wise, I cannot compete with them. I will never be able to.

So, I gave up my desired career in media and now I'm a teacher and I feel happier. That's all that matters. I focus on my hobbies and my friends, and yes, I would prefer to work in media, but why push push push for something that is not within my grasp?

We are fed this idea that we have to pursue our dreams, but it makes us so unhappy sometimes.

So. I get where you're coming from.

Good post, Whitecandes.

I may be in the minority here, but I would take the other job. Life is too shorts to spends s much time feeling unhappy.

I have just taken a job I am greatly "over qualified p" for - gone from a management / consultation type position (public sector so still not big bucks!) and taken a big pay cut and am working waaaay down the ladder, and I love it. I am doing what originally got me into my job before I started working my way up, and away from what I love. I always felt I wasn't good at my job, and that everyone around me was better. Now I am doing what I love and i know I am good at and it is wonderful.

I am fortunate that my husband has a job too so we can manage on the two salaries we have, it's not a fancy life, but wow I feel so much better, I look forward to going to work, I don't get those Sunday blues, I feel physically lighter.

If you can survive on the money of the other job then I say go for it. Life isn't about money.it is about finding your happiness. You deserve that, so make it happen x

REading this thread OP, you've been very patient responding to the misunderstandings. I understood (because you gave THREE examples) that your sentence, 'imagine you live in a small house on a street where every other house was huge' etc was metaphoric.

You have had to patiently explain what you meant and politely respond to the self-esteem posts.

I completely understand! A few posters have mentioned that people compare themselves to those in their immediate environment. This is true! So advice to ''stay where the money is'' is lunacy to me. I feel very average, or rather, I feel that the world would perceive me to be very average. I don't feel average but that's the outside packaging so I don't want to spend my life fighting people's perceptions. I have (like you, I think you said) got the security of my own house, and I prefer, as I said, to work only part time so that I have the free time to get my own stuff done. Some may judge me for this, but I know that ''followinng the money'' would be the wrong decision for me. I work for an organisation that helps people in difficulty and I don't want it to sound like I feed off others' bad fortune to fuel my gratitude, but it does give me perspective. I do walk around feeling grateful and that is a good starting point for contentment.

I know that if I moved to a more glamorous job, it would be more difficult to have that default starting point of feeling grateful for my lot. If I was suddenly cash-poor, older by two decades, shorter by ten cm, heavier by 10k,.......

I hear what you're saying and I think there'd be a lot less unhappiness if people were more tuned in to finding the life that would work for them , not "staying where the money is".