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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm probably being very unreasonable...

49 replies

bethatasitmay · 16/05/2015 09:52

I've got a friend who I used to be very close to when we're teens. I moved a long way away in my late teens but always regarded her as one of my best friends - she was in my wedding party etc.

I go home once a year for about a week and it's often quite difficult to meet up with all the different groups of old friends along with spending quality time with my family. I also admit that I'm not the best at keeping in touch while I'm away! But in recent years when I've been back this friend has clearly been pissed off at me. It started with her insisting that she wouldn't meet me with other friends unless we went to hers - she "didn't like that bar" or "it's too far away" etc. Another friend in the group got a bit miffed at her and felt that she was being awkward on purpose, but we went along with it. Then a couple of years ago, I asked her if she wanted to meet up, and her answer was a straightforward "no", without any explanation. Last year we had our DD, and excitedly asked her if she wanted to meet (DD's name) when we visited when DD was three months old. She clearly knew that we had her because of social media, mutual friends etc, but just said "who's DD's name?" She might have been mad because we didn't tell her personally that I was pregnant - but I wasn't really announcing it, just kind of waiting for people to find out as we went along. I'm not for big social media gestures or announcements. Anyway she agreed to meet but texted on the day when we were already at the venue cancelling, saying she had chores to do.

My DH has had enough of her and says we shouldn't bother anymore, because it's upsetting me and there's only so much I can do. I still wish her happy birthday etc over email but never get anything back. I can't help but feel it's my fault that things deteriorated so badly - she's always been angry at me when I've had other friend groups etc that she felt were more important to me than she was - I should have preempted it and made sure I stayed in touch/told her I was going home in advance rather than ask her out that week.

This week I've discovered that she's actually in my part of the world (quite by chance, she didn't tell me). I'm guessing she doesn't want to see me which is why she didn't say anything, but AIBU to say something to her? I want to ask her if she wanted to meet while she's here but don't want to seem stalkerish or inappropriate considering she's ignored my past few messages...

OP posts:
Original poster
bethatasitmay · 16/05/2015 09:53

were teens. Stupid autocorrect.

OP posts:
chocolatelife · 16/05/2015 09:55

i wouldnt say anything. or if you do - extend an olive branch but dont mention she was in your part of the country. she knows she was.

Jackieharris · 16/05/2015 09:56

You've grown apart.

I don't think it's worth trying anymore.

Henbur1702 · 16/05/2015 09:56

I think it's time to let go and move on tbh!

grapejuicerocks · 16/05/2015 09:58

I think this particular ship has sailed. I think you haven't made any effort with her, and can't really blame her for thinking you are not much of a friend.

Original poster
bethatasitmay · 16/05/2015 09:58

Hi Jackie - you're probably right, but if it was just us drifting apart I don't think I'd feel so gutted about it. I just can't help but feel that there's a lot of resentment there, and it just feels so... unresolved, if you know what I mean. I'd hate to think of her half a world away hating me for something I could have fixed...

OP posts:
CrystalCove · 16/05/2015 09:59

It's sad but some people just grow apart, and I think you should just leave it.

rockybalboa · 16/05/2015 10:01

Yup, chalk it down to life having changed and move on. This happens sometimes.

Original poster
bethatasitmay · 16/05/2015 10:01

Hi grape - you're probably right in that I haven't made enough of an effort. :( It's kind of sad though because she never asked me out/called me or kept in touch either! I always had to be the one getting in touch, and she would be angry if I failed to... My DH doesn't see why I should be the one to make the effort the whole time, but it's just always been the way she's been.

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 16/05/2015 10:01

It's extremely hard to maintain friendships with once a year contact. I think you've both outgrown the friendship.

OwlinaTree · 16/05/2015 10:02

I agree with grape juice sorry. You don't even send her a birthday card?

NighteyesLovesGingerbread · 16/05/2015 10:03

have you actually asked her outright whats going on? the way I see it you have 2 choices:

1 - just accept that the friendship has drifted apart and let it go.

2 - call her/email her and ask outright - look, it seems of late that we've drifted apart and that isn't what I want. I know life is busy and sometimes it feels like a long time between visits/calls but I wanted you to know that I really value your friendship. if I've done something to upset you I would really rather you just told me so we can sort it out. - something along those lines. the ball is then in her court I'm afraid and if you get no reply you will have to accept that for whatever reason she feels the friendship is over.

mrsallergy · 16/05/2015 10:03

Well, it does sound as if she might be a bit resentful for you not keeping in touch much. How would you feel if she turned round and said this to you?

Original poster
bethatasitmay · 16/05/2015 10:03

Owlina - I don't, no, but in my home culture it's not really the done thing...

OP posts:
BeCool · 16/05/2015 10:04

You have a history of friendship but you aren't friends anymore. That's perfectly reasonable and ok.

Move on. Focus on your current friendships.

Remember we have different friendships in our life - all are valuable. Some friendships are for a reason, some for a season and some for a lifetime.

NighteyesLovesGingerbread · 16/05/2015 10:05

to add, I disagree that it is hard to maintain friendships with once a year contact. I have some friends that I only physically see once or twice a year but when we meet its like we haven't been apart, chatting and laughing with ease. I also know that if I called and asked them for help for any reason they would if they could despite the sporadic contact, as I would for them.

MakeHayIsOrange · 16/05/2015 10:07

That's a bit harsh - if you are overseas, as it sounds like she is, birthday cards won't often be sent, surely? And she sends birthday wishes which are not reciprocated - I don't think blaming op for this is actually right!

OP it happens. And it's a two way thing - if she really wanted to maintain a friendship she'd have made effort too. Real friends are like stars - you don't always see them but you know they are there. It sounds very much like she no longer is, and I'm with your DH.

MakeHayIsOrange · 16/05/2015 10:08

The first bit was to Owlina! It moved on..

OwlinaTree · 16/05/2015 10:08

That's fair enough but would it be the done thing for her? Is there a possibility of her feeling she's done a lot of celebrating your life choices and then no celebration for her?

googoodolly · 16/05/2015 10:08

I wouldn't want to hang out with someone who doesn't bother to contact me or let me know they were coming to visit my area until they were actually here. It seems to me like you only arrange to see her on your terms and unless you're physically near her, you don't really give her much thought, so no wonder she's a bit reluctant to hang out.

I know you say you have to put in the effort, but you moved away and it seems like you put in effort with other groups of friends, just not with her. I had the same thing with my ex-best friend - she never spoke to me when she was away, came home and never told me, then asked to meet up at the last minute, getting upset if I didn't really fancy it. I had no desire to hang out with someone who clearly didn't give me a second thought the rest of the year, sorry.

Original poster
bethatasitmay · 16/05/2015 10:09

mrsallergy - I'm sorry, I don't understand... Said what?

I understand that she has a different life now, and it's my fault for not staying in touch when I moved away. I guess I just hoped that she would have said something if it was bothering her, not simply cut contact.

Again, she has never made the first move to contact me since I left, so I never really knew that she was upset about the lack of contact until it was apparent. But I guess it's the responsibility of the mover, not the one that stayed.

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 16/05/2015 10:11

X post with make hay you are probably right, that's just the bit that stuck out to me, op's friend had been involved in wedding but op didn't send a birthday card.

justkeeponsmiling · 16/05/2015 10:12

I get the feeling you are looking for some sort of absolution - somebody to say "it's ok, she sounded a bit hard work too, it's not just your fault".
Tbh it's hard to say why the friendship fizzled out, who was more at fault, etc. I koved away to a different country when I was in my twenties too, so I have some sympathy with you as I know how much of an effort it is to stay in touch.
However - you didn't tell her you were pregnant?? I'm sorry, that's just shit. I would be ending the friendship after that too.

MrsGrimes · 16/05/2015 10:13

Sounds to be like the friendship fizzled out a long time ago. If she would have only found out about the birth of your DD through social media or mutual friends, rather than you calling or imforming her yourself somehow, then she obviously isn't a close/important friend. I can also imagine only seeing one another once a year could cause the friendship to wane.

Let it go. Friendships fizzled out sometimes and it sounds like your friend realised this a while ago, what with refusing to meet up and cancelling at the last minute. I think you have both equally been responsible in causing the friendship to die.

Original poster
bethatasitmay · 16/05/2015 10:16

googoo - it's good to hear it from your POV. I guess it could come across that way, although I don't think I've made any more of an effort with any particular group, they just all seemed more happy to meet up and everything be like usual when we did! I guess that's part of the problem - she wanted me to make more of an effort with her than with other people, and I just didn't. Maybe I just took for granted (because everyone else seemed fine with it) that she was okay with it too, because she never tried to contact me, but all that time she could have just been waiting for me to wise up. It's so devastating.

OP posts:
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