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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm probably being very unreasonable...

49 replies

bethatasitmay · 16/05/2015 09:52

I've got a friend who I used to be very close to when we're teens. I moved a long way away in my late teens but always regarded her as one of my best friends - she was in my wedding party etc.

I go home once a year for about a week and it's often quite difficult to meet up with all the different groups of old friends along with spending quality time with my family. I also admit that I'm not the best at keeping in touch while I'm away! But in recent years when I've been back this friend has clearly been pissed off at me. It started with her insisting that she wouldn't meet me with other friends unless we went to hers - she "didn't like that bar" or "it's too far away" etc. Another friend in the group got a bit miffed at her and felt that she was being awkward on purpose, but we went along with it. Then a couple of years ago, I asked her if she wanted to meet up, and her answer was a straightforward "no", without any explanation. Last year we had our DD, and excitedly asked her if she wanted to meet (DD's name) when we visited when DD was three months old. She clearly knew that we had her because of social media, mutual friends etc, but just said "who's DD's name?" She might have been mad because we didn't tell her personally that I was pregnant - but I wasn't really announcing it, just kind of waiting for people to find out as we went along. I'm not for big social media gestures or announcements. Anyway she agreed to meet but texted on the day when we were already at the venue cancelling, saying she had chores to do.

My DH has had enough of her and says we shouldn't bother anymore, because it's upsetting me and there's only so much I can do. I still wish her happy birthday etc over email but never get anything back. I can't help but feel it's my fault that things deteriorated so badly - she's always been angry at me when I've had other friend groups etc that she felt were more important to me than she was - I should have preempted it and made sure I stayed in touch/told her I was going home in advance rather than ask her out that week.

This week I've discovered that she's actually in my part of the world (quite by chance, she didn't tell me). I'm guessing she doesn't want to see me which is why she didn't say anything, but AIBU to say something to her? I want to ask her if she wanted to meet while she's here but don't want to seem stalkerish or inappropriate considering she's ignored my past few messages...

OP posts:

EepMeep · 16/05/2015 10:17

Her sneering back "who's (daughter)?" Sounds really rude. Dump her and move on.

Original poster

bethatasitmay · 16/05/2015 10:18

Yeah I can totally see why the pregnancy would have rubbed her the wrong way. Honestly though we weren't really telling anybody unless we saw them - we're quite shy and private as people generally and emailing someone saying "hey we're pregnant!!!" just felt wrong to me. Maybe we were just being ridiculous...

OP posts:

googoodolly · 16/05/2015 10:21

It's tough from both sides. My friend came home because her parents were here, and obviously I get that parents take priority, but it hurt when I found out she was literally 5 minutes away and hadn't bothered to say "I'll be in the area in 2 weeks, fancy a coffee?" until the last minute. It was like she only messaged me because she was bored or had a few spare hours, otherwise she wasn't interested, if you see what I mean?

I'm still friends with her in a casual sense - we text occasionally and speak on our birthdays but I'm not fussed if I don't see her when she visits. We were best friends for years but I think we've mostly grown apart. It stung at first but accepting it is far less painful than dwelling on it.

for you, don't take it too personally. Life gets in the way sometimes!

Original poster

bethatasitmay · 16/05/2015 10:23

Well thanks anyway - it's good to hear what other people think. DH is pretty adamant that it's not my fault and that she's passive aggressive, but I knew deep down it was my doing, so now that people have agreed, at least I can face that part and accept things and move on with sadness and regret, not anger or frustration. Thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

bethatasitmay · 16/05/2015 10:25

Yeah googoo I see what you mean. It's probably exactly how I came across! :(

Sigh.

OP posts:

redskybynight · 16/05/2015 10:26

So neither of you make any attempt to contact each other most of the time, but you want to meet up once a year? I don't think meeting up once a year makes a friendship, so she's obviously not that important to you (or you to her). If you really wanted to stay close friends, you would correspond frequently, you would have told her you were pregnant and when your daughter was born (you don't wait for your nearest and dearest to find out via social media and mutual friends). Your friend obviously feels she doesn't want to keep meeting up based on only on the fact you used to be good friends - not sure why you do tbh?

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 16/05/2015 10:27

I can't see that it's your behaviour either. She has been trying to push you away for years. The cancelling the meet up on the day is crap.

Clearly, you are expected to pick up on the hints rather than her say outright what bothers her.

But I do agree that this friendship has run its course and trying to hold it together will only hurt more. I agree with your DH.

grapejuicerocks · 16/05/2015 10:34

I think making specific arrangements to meet up once a year (I do that with one group of friends and it is like we've never been apart) is different to going home to parents and then, by default seeing people sometimes, especially with no advance warning.
The first is making an effort to keep in touch, the second is making no effort at all.

SteveBrucesNose · 16/05/2015 10:35

The sad thing is, moving away shows you who your real friends are.

When we moved, I was shocked at who stayed in touch and who didn't. The people I regarded as my closest friends, who I saw week in, week out, I haven't seen since my first visit back 7 years ago. For the first 2-3 years I sent cards, presents, emailed them weekly with the odd email back. I would always let them know when I was back a few weeks in advance of it, and always accepted that being back for a week meant that not everyone could fit me into their schedule. When it came to my (big number) birthday and I zero from them, to be honest I stopped even thinking of them as friends.

It's terribly sad to realise that these things have happened. One of these 'friends' of mine was my bridesmaid and I've not actually spoken a word to her since I moved, she just stopped contacting me.

It sucks, but you're not being unreasonable at all. It sucks when you find out they're close by.

Original poster

bethatasitmay · 16/05/2015 10:40

I do try and give a couple of weeks notice. With my other group of friends we always meet up and it's just like I never left. I guess different friends have different needs and I should have considered that.

Maybe redsky is right though - maybe she's not angry, just not particularly bothered.

OP posts:

InfiniteJest · 16/05/2015 10:54

I actually agree with your DH, I don't think this is your fault. You didn't make a huge effort to keep in touch, but neither did she. Why should the fault rest with you, just because you were the one who moved?

It's true that different friends have different needs, but you shouldn't always be the one considering their needs and not having yours considered. I think there seems to be bitterness on her part because she was used to being in a position where you always made an effort, and she got angry when you didn't. Well, too bad. You don't get to resent someone who adopts your very own policy of not making enough effort. It would be different if she'd been reaching out to you and you'd been ignoring her, but that's not the case, right?

Truly, this sounds like the natural demise of a friendship through distance and time. Not your fault at all.

19lottie82 · 16/05/2015 11:10

TBH its a bit presumptuous to send her a text saying do you want to meet babys name without even announcing you were pregant or had given birth. If someone I was supposedly friends with had done that to me I'd be pretty miffed.

There are a few pointers why I can understand why you're cheesed off with her but picking up some snippets from your OP I'd imagine if we asked for her side of the story she might feel the same way.

As others have suggested it sounds like the two of you have grown apart so either speak to her about it or give up on this friendship.

19lottie82 · 16/05/2015 11:11

Her sneering back "who's (daughter)?" Sounds really rude.

But she never told her she was pregnant or had given birth?

Original poster

bethatasitmay · 16/05/2015 11:16

I understand your points and I do agree. Just to be clear though, I'm not pissed off with her, I just wondered if it would be unreasonable to continue mithering her if she didn't want to see me...

And I did announce the birth, just not the pregnancy!

OP posts:

Sparklepup · 16/05/2015 11:23

I wouldn't bother. It sounds like you've actually made a lot of effort to see her when you've been back, her late cancelling, asking who your daughter is and ignoring your emails are rude and awful things to do - and are not done by true friends who want to keep in touch.

If anyone's caused the breakdown of the friendship I think it is her and her attitude, I wouldn't continue to contact her and write it off as a lucky escape. Life's too short to be treated like that by people.

MissDuke · 16/05/2015 13:06

I honestly don't think you are in the wrong here! She has been very rude to you. I had similar once with a friend who seemed deeply upset that I hadn't kept in touch with her - but she never contacted me either. Some people just seem to think the effort should always be made by others, and cannot see error on their own part. Sadly my friendship with these person then came to an end but I guess that is life.

Theycallmemellowjello · 16/05/2015 13:19

I think that it does not sound like you are in the wrong. Being rubbish at keeping in touch is one thing, but sulkily declining opportunities to meet up is another. And most people feel that they are rubbish at keeping in touch too - it's impossible to speak to all the friends you'd like to chat with on a monthly basis when they live in far-flung places and you all have careers and families and whatnot. Meeting up with people and saying, god how did we let so long pass, is completely normal and not the sign of a failed friendship imo. Although, if she has lived in the same area all her life then she may see it differently. If emails are not working, maybe try a phone call? But if she gives you the brush off then, I'd leave it tbh.

AGirlCalledBoB · 16/05/2015 13:28

To be honest you both sound as if you could have handled things better. I can see that you have done things wrong but then so has she.

Some friendships do drift apart, I would not be pissed at her, more disappointment we are no longer close friends. Just let it go.

FastForward2 · 16/05/2015 13:47

Does she have children? Is she trying for children? There may be good reasons she does not want to see your baby, ranging from not interested in babies to just having miscarried but not made it public. Or if she has children maybe not enjoying motherhood for some other reason.
Your excitement at having child is competely understandable but dont expect others to share your excitement particularly if they are not related.
Move on, as other have said.
Enjoy your baby.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/05/2015 13:48

It's a tricky one, and one I have to deal with (sort of) year after year as well as I emigtrated, but return every year with my DSs to see my family and friends.

Every year I miss seeing someone - our visits are only 3 weeks long and it's really difficult to fit everyone into that timescale, so someone always gets left out, but I usually manage to make sure it's not the same person every year at least! But a couple of years ago I just got fed up chasing down the same people all the time - lots of people would reply to the planning email sent out a couple of months in advance, but a few wouldn't bother, and I'd end up texting/phoning them when we reached the UK - but I stopped bothering. Because if they really wanted to see me, they'd make the effort - and I had plenty of other people to see if they didn't really want to. So steadily I've lost contact with a few people - we're still FB friends, but no direct contact. And that's just the way it has been. It's a bit sad, but hey - people need to make an effort on both sides, IMO - and in your case, it looks as though neither side has made much of an effort, so just let it go.

If it had mattered that much to you, you'd have made more effort to stay in touch - and the same goes for her too.

AyeAmarok · 16/05/2015 13:52

OP I think you sound lovely and I completely get the not wanting to do a big pregnancy announcement thing. I'm with you on that. Her texting you back about your DD when she blatantly knew is really bloody rude and pissy.

I think your other friends are obviously stable and secure and less demanding, happy to meet up and just be pleased to see you.

Your other friend is high maintenance and obviously craves attention and is jealous of you. It's sad, but it's her issue, not yours. I'd just let this one go, you can do without that negative influence in your life and constantly walking on eggshells making sure she's getting the attention she demands. She sounds hard work.

Totality22 · 16/05/2015 14:01

I'd maybe send one last email along the lines of

"I know I have been crap and I sense we have drifted apart but our friendship means so very much to me and I'd love to try and rebuild it" but you have to MEAN IT. If you want to repair the friendship you need to try and find a way to do so (more regular contact, more one to one time when you are home - extend your visit by a few days?)

If no reply then you have your answer and need to move on.

I am sadly going through something similar with my best friend of half my life (and then some years). She disappeared from my life and reappears every now and then with promises "be better and keep in touch more" or at least fucking answer my texts and emails but she never does. I have 2 kids now and don't have the time for this shit in my life. It's very sad, it's like when a romantic relationship ends in some ways. You feel a loss, you grieve but ultimately you survive and move on!

19lottie82 · 16/05/2015 23:14

And I did announce the birth, just not the pregnancy!

Yes on social media, so you can only assume she knew, you didn't actually tell her?

19lottie82 · 16/05/2015 23:16

And I did announce the birth, just not the pregnancy!

You announced it on social media, which you're "assuming" she saw. You didn't tell her directly?

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